C44: Evangeline

I leaned my elbows on the balcony and rested my chin on the top of my hands and fixed my eyes on the rose-colored sunset that glows from the horizon. The clouds hang in the air, drifting slowly. The wind blew gently, the silence of the surroundings soothing, giving my mind peace.

Peace.

It sure is easy to say that getting some fresh air by staying at my room's balcony gave my mind peace, but the truth is, even though I feel relaxed, thinking of the recent happenings and facts that I found out are too much to handle. That night when I confronted Victor with evidence in hand didn't let me sleep for an entire night. Repeating questions flooded my mind, and gathering myself together had never been that hard. Who would've thought that after a couple of months thinking of who killed Giovanni was the person who's always by my side? It makes me feel like I trusted him easily.

Although I understand that it was the reason why he got back to his senses and realized his mistakes, it won't change the fact that a life taken would never be returned. The good side is, he realized that he should change, but the bad is, it took him years to understand that what he's doing is improper, that he shouldn't have followed the steps of the people who raised him.

Everything saddens me, and moreover, reflecting on it repeatedly shatters my heart. As much as I wanted to stop thinking about it, I couldn't get it off my head. I wanted to tell him that I'm not angry anymore because I simply can't be mad for long. Whether I admit it or not, I know that he's been sincere, but it won't change the crimes that he did in the past. He almost won my heart, but even if I feel like I was lied to, I couldn't hate him. Perhaps it's because he's important to me?

Not that I know.

My attention was shifted when I felt a soft fur rubbing my legs, which happens to be Catherine, the cat that was given by him. Dang, now I feel guilty that I wasn't even able to express my gratitude for having a cat. This breed is expensive, and yet he'll just give it like that even if there's no occasion. It's so nice of him, and somehow, it feels like this cat is his peace offering. What I'm certain of at least is the obvious effort of him doing his best to make me happy.

I swiped my phone screen, unlocked it, and browsed my contacts. I tapped his name as I found it, and as my finger is above the 'call' button, something inside me stopped me from doing so. I want to talk to him badly, but at the same time, I don't. It kills me to have two feelings at once, for it drives me crazy.

If I'll talk to him, what would I say? I might end up not saying anything at all. Or probably there is, but I want to talk to him, but I suppose I'll need to have some mental preparations? I don't want to get carried away by my emotions like yesterday, and I don't want to say anything reckless. The person wants to change – pressing his mistakes to him would make him feel worse. However, there's a consequence in every action. I'm afraid that, since the people who raised him were brought behind the bars easily, he might be the next.

Gee, I wonder about how other people deal with problems like this. Do they forgive? How do they face the person? How long does it take them to forgive? Do they trust again? Can the old friendship or relationship be brought back to how it used to after or not?

I wish I know the answers.

Surely different people have different ways, but during that time when it was all about Justin, I seem to have slammed the door shut easily. I can't imagine what I'm supposed to feel if he's here right now. The anger is gone, but I don't think it's possible to trust again or be friends at least.

Dear God, how should I deal with this?

I opened the Bible app on my phone and searched for verses about forgiveness. Among those, one of the verses that felt accurate was from Ephesians 4:31-32, which says, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

If God forgives, how can I not? Although it's easy to say that we people should forgive others, it's not as easy as it sounds, especially if the damage won't be repaired anymore. I know that forgiving can set people free, but just like what every human will say – some things are unforgivable. In my case, it's not impossible, but it'll take time to heal. I hope he'll understand.

But no.

I should work on this. If I'll keep on being angry, I'll keep on hurting myself too. The problem is, even if I know the right thing to do, I don't know where to start.

I closed my eyes to reflect, but as I do, my phone beeped and I opened the messaging app – a message from my dad.

---

Dad: Hello, my beautiful daughter. How are you doing? I have some news for you.

Me: Hi dad. I wouldn't say that I'm completely fine but I'm coping. I'll share that later. What's the news?

Dad: Your mother …

Me: What's with her? Dad, you're scaring me.

Dad: SHE'S AWAKE!

I dropped my phone as I stood up, holding my mouth with my hands, stopping myself from screaming aloud. This is certainly the last thing I'm expecting. I can't believe I already forgot about mom after being preoccupied with what happened recently. I picked up my phone and sat down, and took slow breaths to gather myself together from the shock caused by the news.

Dad: What's with the seen?

Me: I'm sorry! I screamed and dropped my phone, I was too overwhelmed with the news. I'm so happy! When did she wake up? How is she? Have you spoken to her yet?

Dad: She woke up an hour ago. It surprised me because I was talking to the doctor, and as we talk, she suddenly opened her eyes. The first thing she said was your name. She's still weak but in a good state. She's looking for you. I'm telling you this because I need you to be here. Book a flight. It's a rushed one, but it's not that hard to pay an extra amount. Just do so.

Me: I … of course. I think I need to unwind as well. I'll book a flight now, then. Thank you, dad. Please tell her that I love and miss her and that I'm happy that she's awake. I love you, dad. Stay safe. I'll be there soon.

---

Without wasting any second, I visited the three airline sites and looked for the available flights. It took me at least half an hour to find the one that will suit me perfectly, and the closest that I found would be … two days from now.

None of these feels real. It feels like yesterday, I arrived here, and now I'm leaving. Time surely flies when you're happy. Or at least I used to.

The cat rubbed herself on my leg again. She hopped on my lap and sat comfortably, expecting me to notice and play with her.

"You're adorable, aren't you? I wish we spent more time together, but you arrived when I'm about to leave. I wonder how long will I be away? When will I see you again?

When will I see him again?

Now I understand why he never created a social media account or anything that'll require him to give his personal information – his second work demands him to be a shadow, an invisible man whose existence shouldn't be known. With all that, he needed to abandon all the things that can distinguish him. I can't be wrong about that.

Even though I'm confused about everything from the things that I discovered, avoiding him would be harder. I must do something to fix this.