15.Vincenzo Devellis

"I pretty much said what I have to say," Danny had stopped looking at me completely and followed Ashton from the classroom. When the door shut behind them my legs lost all of the strength to hold me up.

I tried so hard to make him love me and he still turned his back on me! Why did he end up leaving with that piece of shit? What did that Asshole have that I didn't have to make him choose someone like him over someone like me? "He must be manipulating him, right?"

"I don't think so," Sam mumbled from behind me. I had completely forgotten that he was even in the room with me. "He looked pretty serious."

"Tell the truth," I begged him. Say that Danny's going to regret his decision and run to me willingly. Tell me that he's obviously made the wrong decision and is just trying to test me! Let me know if this entire thing was just a test to see how much I actually loved him! He couldn't possibly have the audacity to be that mad at me!

"I am telling you the truth, Vinny! You can't force a feeling that isn't there, and he told you his feelings clearly," Sam said. "No matter how you look at it, he rejected you and gave you a very reasonable explanation."

"He's going to regret it!"

"What if he doesn't?"

"I'll make him!"

"Wouldn't that just make things worse? Danny clearly made his choice, Vincenzo."

"He's not in his right mind!"

"Whatever you say man. Personally, I think if you try and interfere it'll only backfire on you. Why don't you keep some distance from him for a bit, at least until he isn't scared of you anymore." Sam said. "He should be in good hands-"

"He's not scared!" I snapped. Sam looked incredibly stunned at how desperate I sounded. He threw his hands up in defeat and left me in the drama classroom, making sure to shut the door behind him so I could have some privacy.

Danny couldn't be scared of me like he said. There's no way that made any sense! How could he be scared of me and still help me out like he did? No one in their right mind could do that unless they were they were forced too! What did I ever force him to do for me?

If he had a problem, why didn't he say anything about it? He's capable of speaking up for himself! I know that better than anyone since he's tried to stand up to me a million times! I just wasn't letting him win. What did I miss?

I only took his inhaler from him because he took his eyes off of me! He dared to show his smile to other people and ignored me, so I just made sure he couldn't do that. And it wasn't like I didn't give it back, when I was finished doing whatever I did with everyone, I returned it to him. A twinge of guilt hit me as I remembered how his face looked every time I gave him back the inhaler.

Nothing but hopelessness and misery. I felt I was justified doing this every time so it pissed me off when he would just lay there looking at me as if I had taken something important from him. So to teach him a lesson about pissing me off, I made sure he couldn't enjoy his vacation with the rest of us by making sure he was too sick to take part. When the next vacation time came, he had refused to go anywhere and just laid in the cottage in bed by himself the entire time, like I wanted him too. But when he wouldn't give me the energy he gave other people, I got pissed off and took his things again.

The last time we took a trip to the countryside, like usual, I took his inhaler from him and went off with everyone. When we had returned from a day of fun, Danny's dad had went to check up on him, but quickly returned with Danny in his arms looking limp and blue in the face. All of us rushed him to the hospital so Danny could be ventilated and we weren't allowed near him until he was stable again, which took three weeks. But even after that time, he was placed in a psychiatric ward for ten days.

I expected the police to come to me at some point, or even his dad to curse me out, but Danny had told them that he had forgotten his inhaler at home. If he was so scared then why was he protecting me even when that happened? Why would he keep his own father in the dark? He was just looking down on me, right?

He lied to them to make me feel like shit! He just wanted an apology for what happened!

From that day on, if I got close to him in or out of school, he would either run away or put on his timid act. He tried to avoid me the best he could and put distance between us. Unless it was incredibly important, he never lifted his head or tried to speak to me at all. It pissed me off to the point where I encouraged other people to bully him, just so he could come running to me for help. I made sure Martin told everyone that he might be contagious. But no matter how many times I lied about him to other people to make them bully him, he never asked me for help. He just took everything thrown at him by himself.

So why did he ask Ashton for his help?

I had been around Danny my entire life, and never once did he present himself as scared of me. To be fair, it's not like I paid much close attention to Danny. In my mind this was just me delivering his karma for pissing me off. I don't think I've ever once considered what Danny's thoughts or feelings were about anything that was happening. It was always clear to me that he probably had no feelings about it anyway.

After all, who was he to feel anything about what I did?

I thought that Danny was weak and useless and pathetic. Danny was indeed not very manly, but he would always support himself and his father in anyway he could. If it were me, I couldn't couldn't even imagine how I would handle myself in Danny's circumstances. I would neither have the courage, nor the ability to do so. I remembered that i always laughed at Danny for being a sissy, but now I feel that Danny was a man who could take on a lot of responsibility.

He might not be able to provide a rich life for his family, but he would definitely spare no efforts to take care of his close ones no matter what. Even if he had to kneel on the ground and beg like a dog, he would still take on this burden to protect the people in his life.

Just like when Danny and I were getting along. Danny had no money or power, but he tried very hard to be good to me in any way he could, and he treated me wholeheartedly. Because he really fucking cared.

But what did I do?

A sudden coldness washed over me causing me to shiver. I had regarded Danny as another dispensable plaything, trampled his tenderness and admiration to nothing, took all his kindness for granted, and then squandered everything without cherishing it at all. I'd never actually considered being genuinely nice to him before, i only absorbed all his tenderness and kind feelings since we were children. When Danny helped me out, I finally came to my senses and wanted to treat him well, but Danny no longer wanted me.

He made it clear by walking away from me with Ashton.

"Yo," a voice stunned me out of my reflections. I wiped my face and looked up to see the last person I wanted to come face to face with.

"Come to rub it in my face?" I scowled at him.

"I'm only doing this for Danny because he cares about you, and I care about him. He asked you not to do anything stupid, yet you've skipped two classes already with your 'woe is me' act," Ashton sighed. "You know, Danny has been good at school since he was a child, so his learning was subsidized by the government. But after the consistent hospital visits and missing so much school time, he lost his backing. Now his father is working over time almost every day to keep up with the expenses the school demands. It's really such a pity."

"How do you know that?"

"His dad told my parents about it. How he's been working himself to death so his son could have a bright future." Ashton continued. I started to feel guilty again. "At the hospital, after Martin had beat Danny up, his father cried so loudly during testing that the nurses had to sedate him as well so he wouldn't disturb other patients. But even so Danny still refused to tell on you."

"Because he loves me!"

"Because he loves his father and wants him not to worry himself to death. I never knew Danny in the past, but it doesn't take a genius to know that he's suffered a lot. He even lost the hearing in one of his ears after you let Martin beat him up last time. The weird thing is that his ear drum had been injured before in a similar way."

When i thought about it carefully, there were indeed a few times when Danny wouldn't respond to me or Martin, and I had to shout at him really loudly. I remembered getting so angry that I cursed Danny out, asking him if he was fucking deaf.

I didn't know he was losing his hearing then! He never said a thing about it! I thought about the rough treatment Danny received in school over the years. After so many years, i had no idea who out of all the students was the culprit for this particular injury, because it could've been anyone at school. Even I had ruthlessly bullied him. I felt face a little embarrassed, and in my heart i couldn't help thinking that I did indeed slap Danny around before, but that couldn't have made him deaf, right? I felt so uneasy that I couldn't breathe – pity, guilt and regret all came down on me at once.

"He was alone and scared his entire life, because of you. The only reason he never took himself out was because of the love his father gave him, but he can't receive that love as much as he needs because his father has to work to pay off the hospital bills. I hope you can put yourself in Danny's shoes and realize what an asshole you are. You ruined a family and the person who took care of you when your parents didn't give two shits about you. You ruined his youth, his health and you traumatized him more than you'll ever be able to understand. If he had never met you, him and his dad would've been more fortunate people.

"Still, even murderers get a chance at rehabilitation in this society. Go to counseling and figure out how to control your obsession with Danny. Go figure out how to stop being so shitty to everyone around you. Go figure out how you can stop all your self destructive behavior." Ashton held out three business cards. "These therapists are the best in the city, each with ten or more years of experience in this. Go and see one of them, whoever you pick knows to charge it to me."

"Why would you want me to get help? Isn't this what you wanted?"

"I already told you that I don't care what happens to you or how you feel. Shit, I don't even care about what made you into such a piece of shit. I think you're a piece of shit crazy person and I'd rather not know you at all. But Danny wouldn't want you to do anything stupid, and I love him, so I'm offering you a chance to help yourself on my dime."

"I don't need therapy!"

"I agree. What you need is a jail cell. To be put down like the rabid dog you are. Take the help idiot," Ashton flipped me off before throwing the cards at my face.

I was starting to get desperate here, so I picked up the cards. This paper felt expensive, almost like a hard cloth, so there was no way to try and rip them up without looking stupid. Who did he think he was to say all that to me?

"Why should I?" I growled at him. "How about what I felt when he stabbed at my heart over and over again by trying to make more friends. I tried everything else, even isolation. I thought that as long as I was a good person, treated him well and let him know that I really love him, he'd forgive me. Then I found out the hard way, that wasn't fucking true. No matter how good I was and no matter whether he believed in the sincerity of my feelings or not, he still didn't want me anymore. He just didn't fucking want me at all. Since he left me no way out, what else was I supposed to say? He once loved me, and we were also very happy together, and he was all mine and only mine. We can be just like we were before. No, I... I will treat him a thousand times better than before. Why is that so hard for him to accept? If he gives me one more chance, he would save me and himself. I begged him to give me a second chance. He can do whatever he wants with me, except leave me!"

Ashton put his head in his hand and sighed. "You're crazy."

"You're damn right I am! And it's not a light case either! This whole betrayal from Danny wasn't ok! I guess I am very abnormal!" I snapped at him. "He belongs to me!"

"You don't even see him as a person. He's just the object of your sick obsessions. Just go for Danny's sake, like he asked you too. Get the help you need before you really end up killing him." Ashton grabbed my arms and forced me onto my feet. He then took out a his wallet and handed me $300. "Think about it, the only thing you haven't tried is healing yourself and taking full accountability. You can be a better person, before it's too late and you can't even be friends with Danny. Take a cab and go fix yourself. I'll cover for you in class."

If he expected me to thank him I wasn't going too. Not when I felt like I was being punked by this giant asshole. He felt like he was hitting every critical spot and making me question myself.

"Was I really in the wrong?" I couldn't help but ask.

"You know you were. Therapy will tell you why you acted like you did if you can't figure out why. Wipe your face and go to the clinic now. One of them is sure to give you some clarity on your situation. I'm paying for it, so your parents won't find out. You're covered on all sides, as usual." Ashton patted my shoulder almost knocking me back down in the process from the extreme force he used. Since I stopped playing football I'd become significantly weaker, but I didn't actually realize by how much until now.

Therapy?

I honestly don't think I'm crazy, but if I don't go and get better like Danny said, he's never come close to me again. And I don't think I can handle if I didn't have an important place in Danny's life. I had, no, I needed to be someone to Danny. I need him back with me instead of with Ashton.

Danny will be better with me, right?! I just can't stand the fact that someone else could even get to touch him! I barely even touched him! The time I had kissed him.....I could feel him trembling, but I thought it was just because he was cold or excited.

He couldn't have been scared, right?

That question guided me all the way to the first clinic I looked at. The inside of this place looked more like a fancy hotel than a therapy clinic. It seemed very calm here, but busy at the same time. The lobby smelled fresh and recently cleaned. The beautiful reds and golds only accented the grandiose chandeliers on the ceilings.

The people here were all rich! I know because I've been invited into this kind of atmosphere with Martin many times. I immediately became uncomfortable when I spotted the exotic art and priceless pottery placed nicely around the room. I went in line to reception and told the young extravagant looking woman with an obviously botched nose job my name.

"Dr. Mancini is waiting for you in room three." She gave me a judge mental look as she scanned over my clothes.

"Where do I pay?"

"It's already been taken care of."

Why did Ashton do this for me? Why would he think I would benefit from something like this? Only crazy people go to therapy right? "Where is it?"

"Down the hall to the left," she turned her lip up in annoyance. If she was going to be like that, why was she working here? Bitch!

I walked down the carpeted hallway and into a room with a three on it. Inside was an older man in an expensive well pressed three piece suit. I could smell the poshness from here. The old man had that look about him, the look of a life well lived, one where money took a front row seat in the challenging times and the good times.

"Vincenzo, I presume?" I had been expecting the croak of old age but his voice was more like a sergeant major, strong and distinctly upper class. I couldn't speak under the pressure. "I'm Dr.Mancini. I understand you're having trouble expressing yourself to a...Daniel Cunningham."

Ugh. "I expressed exactly what I thought."

"Take a seat. Mr. Belle informed me that you two aren't on good terms at the moment, so I understand your being apprehensive. I assure you everything said here will not leave the room as our doctor-patient confidentiality is the finest in the state. This is a judgement free zone."

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"Are you prejudiced against therapy because of your roots? My mother is from Sicily, she holds those old ways of thinking as well. I assure you, therapy only brings out the best in you, no one will gossip here and you won't be shamed." Dr Mancini sat in a chair across from me and started to write something down in his notebook.

"How much do you already know?"

"You need help solving a problem between you and your childhood friend.....a Daniel Cunningham."

"I told Danny that I wanted him, then he ended up going out with someone else. I knew he had a crush on me, but he still asked that guy out." I might as well give it a shot since I already dragged myself here.

"That guy?"

"Ashton."

"Why do you think that happened?"

"He says that he's scared of me."

"Why would he be scared of you?"

This was a judgement free zone, right? I might as spill it all. I started from the beginning, when Danny and I had first met. Something about him made me feel ok with myself even though I know he didn't like me at first. I even broke his new Megazord toy.

"Why would you break his toy?"

"Because he liked that toy more than me," I said. I went on to tell him how good we were at the beginning, when he first started liking me. I just basked in the feelings, because being loved for the first time felt really good. Everything started to change when I realized that Danny was trying to make more friends, because I think he doesn't need anyone but me. My mother gave something of mine I really liked to Danny around that time. Then, when I realized that I couldn't stop him from trying to branch out, I got really angry and locked myself in my room. As soon as Danny heard, he ran right to me and begged me to come out. That's when I realized that I had a good method to tie him too my side longer and I could make him pay for taking my trading cards.

Since he cared so much about what I did, I started to act out. I made friends with someone and we started skipping school and making trouble. Especially when something from my room would go missing and end up at his house, I'd be on a warpath. Danny tried his hardest to clean up after all of the mess so I wouldn't get in trouble. He would do my homework, my schoolwork, my laundry, basically anything I asked just, whenever I asked him to do it. I knew he still liked me then, but I was just fascinated with that feeling he gave me when he did whatever I said. I liked that he belonged to me, but he didn't think the same way and he still dared to talk and smile at other people. He still dared to try and distance himself. So I told everyone in school that if they spoke to him, they'd get beat up and that his sickness was contagious. Everyone left him alone, so he tried to get close with me again. I wanted him to learn a lesson so I doubled the amount of things I called him to do for me and I said a lot of mean things to him. I meant everything I said back then, because he was the one selling information to my parents for my things.

I thought that since he was doing it to me, I should show him what would happen if he did that to other people. When some guys at school got in trouble, I lied and said that I saw Danny ratting them out to the principal. They just took my word for it and pretty soon everyone in school was blaming him for telling on them if they got in trouble for anything. No one actually hit him for fear of him dying but none of his days were peaceful.

I was going to stop the bullying if he came to me begging for help, but he never did. He just hid that it was happening from everyone, no matter how sick it made him. I wondered a lot why he never told anybody about what happened, because there was no way he didn't know that I could stop it all. Then my friend beat the shit out of him one day. I watched him desperately try to defend himself but fail. When I saw his face, I could feel my gut almost come up, because I had never seen him look that scared.

When Danny had been knocked out, I flipped out on that guy for crossing the line.

"You said that you felt that he deserved it, so isn't that what you wanted to happen?"

"I didn't want anyone to beat him up. He should've known better than to touch what was mine!"

"But aren't you the one who put Danny in the position to be beat up consistently."

"Well, because I just wanted to teach him what happens when he betrays me! I know it wasn't true now, but I didn't know that back then. Anyway, i told him that he had the beating coming while he was in the hospital. I thought after his hospital stay, he would just be the good old Danny who just wanted to be around me, but he just started to try and cut contact with me even more. But he still accepted the things from my mother! So it gave me the excuse to cause him more trouble. I never put my hands on him and neither did anyone else, but then my friend beat him up again."

"Why did he do that?"

"I never asked. I just know that I told him not to touch him again. I blacked out and fought him because he disobeyed. After I had gotten suspended my dad and I got into this huge argument. Two days later, the tension had gotten so bad that we ended up fighting. Just when I thought he was going to kill me, Danny tackled him and gave me a chance to escape.

I thought that everyone would form a search party or something, especially the people at school. After all, they all want something from me. The entire time, the only person I was thinking about was Danny. He knew everything about me so he would definitely come to my recur like he always did. But I spent nine days on the street before Danny finally came and got me. He warmed me up, fed me, then sent me home. Because of him, I found out the truth behind why my parents hated me and the next day, my parents stopped neglecting me. I found out that Danny had never betrayed me, but my parents meddling caused a huge misunderstanding between us.

I felt a lot of regret about the bullying, so I decided that I would treat him better than everyone else. I did that and I asked him to go out with me. He said he needed time to think about it, so I thought it was just shock that he was finally getting what he wanted. But then he went to someone else."

"But if he doesn't know you pulled the strings behind the bullying, and you never hit him, why is he scared of you?" Dr. Mansini asked.

"Well, the example he used was our vacations. Our families are close so went on vacation together a lot. If I saw him having fun without me or he said something I didn't like, I would take his inhaler and the medicine he needed so he wouldn't be free to move around."

"Were your intentions to harm him?"

"No! I just didn't want someone or something else making him happy! I want to be the only one that does anything good for him! I needed to teach him that no one else was allowed to be good to him but me! And if he stopped betraying me, I'd treat him the best because I love him!"

"And if he had died?" Dr. Mansini pushed up his glasses.

I felt a horrible feeling creeping up. If I had lost Danny...his blue face and limp body flashed into my mind again. If we had gotten back to the cottage any later, Danny would've passed away or have been a brain dead vegetable. If I could never see him smile again, because of what I did, I don't think I would be able to live with myself. "I didn't think about that." I admitted. "I apologized and I'm trying to make it up to him and he said he forgives me."

"Did you think that you unconsciously scared him when you decided to change you behavior?"

"Not at all! Why would he be scared of me?"

"He'd be scared, because he knows what you're capable of doing to him." Dr Mansini said. "He almost died because of the things you did, correct?"

"Yes."

"So what do you think Danny thinks?"

"That I don't really love him! If what I'm feeling isn't love, then what is it? I'm jealous because it's not me that possesses him. It's been me and him since the beginning, so why can't it be like that again." I sneered. "He's the only one who's ever loved me! He's the only one who's ever cared about me....and he's not mine! I proved I've changed so earn his love! I changed my friends, I get along with my family, I don't try and cause trouble anymore."

"These are all improvements in your life, but what about Danny's life?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, while you're making changes to your own life, you neglected to see that Danny's still receiving your punishment through school bullying."

"How would he even know that I started all this? I just know that I can't live without him."

"I think you do indeed love Danny, you may even feel a sexual attraction to him. But I don't agree that it's a romantic love that you feel."

I looked at Dr Mansini with a raised eyebrow. "You already know everything, don't you? When you said you were briefed you already knew everything, so why did you ask me?"

"Everyone experiences things differently. I indeed know Danny's feelings and how he experienced his life. But you have a completely different experience in life than everyone else, and this session is about you. I only know what you tell me."

"What did he feel?" Shit, even this doctor knew more about Danny than I did.

"That's confidential. We're talking about how you feel."

I leaned back in my chair and sighed. Might as well hear him out since I've already exposed myself. "You were saying you don't agree it's love."

"It's love, but not romantic love. Because you're mother failed to give you the love and affection necessary, you put that task on Daniel who took care of you. When he tries to let you go, you feel the abandonment you feel from your mother so to avoid that feeling, you force him back into the role you deemed most fit for him. As your figurative mother. We all tend to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable."

"I already knew that I have issues with my mother, and I don't want to have sex with her either!"

"Allow me to finish, because it could be one of a few things. My second thought is that in the absence of parental love, you tried to maintain a relationship where you are completely dependent on Danny. My third thought is obsession."

"Obsession. Explain," I demanded.

"Being obsessed is like having tunnel vision: you lose the ability to see or care about anything outside the object of your obsession. At its worst, obsession is an iron mask that permits us to gaze in only one direction at one thing—or, to use another metaphor, a giant tidal wave that crashes through our minds and washes away all other concerns. We may become obsessed with a person, a place, a goal, a subject—but obsession amounts to the same thing in all cases: addiction.

"When the object of the obsession tires of all the attention, pressure, and neediness and — inevitably — tries to pull back, the perpetrator's worst fears are confirmed, setting up a vicious cycle in which each side escalates in response to the other. At the extreme, the end of the relationship can lead to the end of a life."

"Please, tell me more about the obsession."

"Two personality profiles are likely to engage in serious or lethal violence after a breakup, in the case of extreme obsession. The first — the generally violent, antisocial ex — tends to have a history of impulsivity, substance abuse, and/or violent and criminal behavior inside and outside the relationship. This person was likely abusive and controlling in the relationship, using violence as a way to keep a partner in line or regain control and feel powerful. The obsessiveness displayed reflects a sense of ownership and entitlement: the 'You belong to me, and I have the right to tell you what to do'. Lethal violence is an extension of these dysfunctional relationship beliefs or 'You have disrespected me by leaving, and I can't allow that'.

"Unlike the chronic batterer, the second type of potentially lethal obession may have never laid a finger on a partner; in fact, in 20 percent of relationship homicides, the murder is the first act of violence. The personality profile of this obsessive ex is an immature and self-centered individual who, in the relationship, constantly craved or demanded attention and affection. Emotional blackmail — crying, threats of self-harm, inducing guilt — may be used to control a partner during a relationship. It is only when these no longer work that violence becomes an option.

"Stalking and other forms of unwanted pursuit may be used too. Taken to the extreme, the obsessed may explode in a murderous rage out of the mistaken impression that the very essence of who they are will be psychologically destroyed if they don't respond to the situation."

Thinking back, if Danny had told me that he was dating Ashton by himself, I would've tried to force him to change his mind the only way I know that works. Thru violence. "Which type am I?"

"We can't know for sure until we've had more sessions together,because you might not be obsessed." Dr Mancini said. "These were only a few suggestions all of which can't be solved within a day."

Was he kidding? I was obviously the first obsessive type he had described. I do feel like I own Danny and that I have the right to tell him what to do. I knew that everything I did was to get us to the point where he couldn't leave me. Where he didn't want to look at anyone but me.

"If I'm obsessed, what would I have to do not to kill him?" I asked.

"No one can accurately predict which individual will murder someone they once loved. We can, however, spot the dark clouds in a relationship that predict thunderclouds after a breakup. Whether out of insecurity and neediness, or a sense of entitlement and ownership, exes who kill their former partners attempt to manipulate and control the relationship long before it ends. Ending such a relationship safely requires planning, strategy, and help. So it's best not to do it alone."

"Danny isn't allowed to die. If he dies, it'll be next to me-"

"Are you planning to kill him?"

"No! I just think he's mine! I know what's best for him!"

"Better than him or his father? Why do you feel that way?"

"Because he's happy with me!"

"He told you that he was afraid of you, that doesn't sound like he's very happy," Dr Mancini reminded me. With this, I had no argument left, everything I did to keep Danny clearly wasn't worth it. What I though would teach him a lesson, only made him want to run away from me more.

"Shit, at first, I was going to keep treating him right, even if we had a misunderstanding. But when Martin started to catch on, I didn't know what to do. I became super concerned about how people looked at me, and I couldn't let myself be viewed as a homo, so I just distanced myself from it. It's not like I didn't know how Martin would deal with the situation, hell, I even knew that he would spread it around the school to make Danny's life harder. But that panic about my own status made me only think about my situation, so I completely stopped caring about him."

I said.

Only now did I feel that I completely realize how much damage I had started for Danny by escaping like that back then. No wonder that Danny was so hostile and wary of me when I confessed to him. I then did everything possible to make him lower his guard and get him to open up to himself by using him to get away with stuff, stupidly thinking that he would be happy to just be part of my life. And for what? Just to hurt him all over again. How could Danny ever really trust me after all of this? I felt that my hands and feet were getting cold, and my chest felt extremely tight.

I seldom regretted my actions but thinking about what I did to Danny by throwing him under the bus to Martin, I was going crazy with regret. It was because of my ignorance and frivolity back then that I used Danny just to pass the time. And after I had used him enough, I left him high and dry because of my own cowardice.

Danny used to be so bright and healthy. If it wasn't for me, maybe he would have ended up in a completely different situation right now. At least he wouldn't feel so inferior and would be able to talk to other people without being ridiculed.

What had I done throughout all these years? Why, did I hurt Danny again and also trample all over his feelings when I genuinely could've turned everything around? Was this my karma?

If I went back to the old me, what should I do to get him back? Do I even still have a chance? The fear in my heart that i could neither articulate, nor swallow was stagnating and pressing at me to the point of suffocation.

"I was bad to him! I'll admit that! I didn't want to force him into some mold either! I have exhausted all my tricks at this point! And he still wouldn't even look at me! So I did what I had to do! And if I didn't, would he even be talking to me?" I rambled remembering the countless times Danny told me to stop manipulating him. Is it because I still wanted to manipulate him that he chose Ashton. Why didn't I stop?

"What do you want from Danny?" Dr Mancini had somehow remained calm through my crazy ranting. Even I was starting to realize how absolutely unhinged I was sounding.

"I don't know, I just want Danny!" I told him. "I used to treat him very badly. I was such a jerk to him on so many occasions, but from now on, I don't want to be bad to him ever again. I know that everyone looks down on him, but he's really not the kind of person they think he is. He is good to me, and he harbors no ulterior motives. He's the only genuine person I've ever met."

"Isn't the reason people look down on him because of your manipulation?" Dr. Mansini asked. I felt that awful feeling creeping up again. "Don't you think it's time to be more honest with yourself about what's been going on. If you want to stop feeling bad."

"Why do you doubt that I feel bad?"

"I never said that I doubt that you feel bad. But the reason it can be questioned is: since you've walked in here, you've made it sound like someone made you do everything you did. As if you didn't have control of yourself or your emotions. There's zero acknowledgment or accountability of what you claim to regret."

"I don't want to feel like shit."

"We often like to imagine ourselves as the good guy, the righteous guy. But in reality, that can't always be the case. One man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist," Dr Mancini.

I looked at him expectedly. "And then what?"

"We work through the feelings and figure out how to cope."

So in order to get better, I had to acknowledge everything I did. "I can be really negative, paranoid, quick to anger and jealous. These thoughts I have and my behaviors resulted in me losing someone really close to me and probably ended a lot of my old relationships too. I don't know where it stems from."

"Be more specific."

If he already knows, why should I repeat it? "I blamed him for all of the problems I had. I lied to him about everything I did and created nothing but trouble for him because of my manipulation. He had gotten bullied because I lied to everyone about the type of person he is. I almost killed him by spiking his drink and when I took his inhaler and I lied about it to cover my own ass because I wanted to avoid the shame! I was the reason he was hospitalized many times. I kept wishing death on him out loud to his face because I knew it would bother him and make him think about me. I treated him like he was an option and never stood up for him when he got bullied even though I saw everything that happened. I let him stand outside in weather I knew he would get sick in just so he couldn't do anything else. I was nice to him just so I could use him to lie to my parents and go out with some girl I didn't even like. He even got beat up by someone I called a friend multiple times just because he was trying to help me not get in any trouble at home.

"I made sure everyone tortured him because I wanted to selfishly be all he cared about. But in doing so, I ruined his life...and...I didn't mean too but I....I just wanted him to be mine! I was the one behind everything bad that happened to him! It's all my fault!" I felt the tears pouring from my eyes as I stopped being able to think clearly. Admitting the wrong doing out loud made my throat hurt. My chest felt a heavy suffocating feeling, as though an elephant was crushing my rib cage. There was an incessant throb in my heart from knowing that I didn't have to be so callous.  Most of all, I felt an extreme sense of shame the kind of guilt that made me want to cry harder than I already was. "I'm such a piece of shit! I don't want to be like this!"

"A piece of shit wouldn't try to fix himself like you are. If Danny thought that about you, he wouldn't have suggested you get help," Dr Mancini handed me a box of tissue and watched me clean up my face. I've never felt so disgusted with anything more than myself now. I fucked up so royally that there was no chance of me being with him, but the thought of someone else being able to touch him bothered me to no end. 

I'd lost Danny, and there's no one but myself  to blame for that happening! I'm so stupid! Why did I think torturing him would bring him back to me? Why did I insist that he was too stupid to see through everything I was doing?

I took everything from him! "Is there a time limit?"

"Mr. Belle booked three hours for you," Dr Mancini relaxed in his chair and looked right at me. "Now, why don't we start by exploring your relationship with your parents."