Grenades Are Dangerous

"Holy crap! That was the most amazing timing in the history of timing! You were like in an anime or manga or something! Amazing! How'd you get here? Where's the countess?" I was, perhaps, a bit too pumped up and trying my hardest to avoid looking or thinking about the dead bodies lying on the floor. I wasn't sure I wanted to get used to the way this world worked.

It was like those disaster movies where all of humanity is wiped out and there's some dramatic slow-motion scene toward the end where the dog is trying to get onto the boat and the audience is expected to just ignore the fact 7 billion people just got extinguished and focus on Yeobo the golden lab, the last dog on earth's fate. I mean, yes, the dog was adorable, but it seemed to pale beside the astounding body count buried under the new 10000 meters of water covering the earth. Yet here I was focusing on Yeobo myself. Perhaps it was a coping method? Something the mind conjured to deflect from the carnage you'd witnessed. I'd have to ask Eun-Ha as she struck me as the type of person who would know these sorts of things once I forgave her for trying to feed me to vampiric deer in my dreams.

"Lady mistress sir!" Sayuri rushed to the crumpled form on the floor. I was tempted to partake of the magnificent view her bending over was affording me when realization hit. That was Carrisyn? Oh, fuck!

"What happened?" I demanded. "Let me out!" I shook the bars impotently. Lyrei hurried over and unlocked the door, allowing me to rush to Carrisyn's side. Sayuri had rolled her over and I nearly fell over myself. She looked awful. Her face was gaunt and pale. Her lips had taken on a blue hue and, though I wasn't a doctor, I certainly didn't think this was good.

"She over-extended her use of magic," the caped figure replied, kneeling beside Carrisyn's still form and rummaging through a bag tied to her waist.

"She's not dead, though, right?" a hint of desperation unwittingly crawling into my voice. She was a sociopath and a sadist and a real mega bitch sometimes but the rare times she wasn't calling me "idiot" or "tool" she was actually kind of endearing in a way. Not to mention she was my ticket back home.

"I don't think so," the figure took out what looked like a nasty red weed and crushed it between her thumb and forefinger. "Hold her lips open." I stared at her dumbly.

"Uh…ok," I managed, twisting and turning my hands to try to find the right way to open her mouth. I'd seen my mom take a domino out of my sister's mouth when she was 5 but that seemed rather extreme. She'd grabbed Moon's cheeks in her fingers like a vice and shoved her fingers into her mouth while asking why she wanted to choke and die in the living room. I wasn't sure that was the right tactic to take in this instance. I ignored the frustrated look the girl in the cloak gave me.

"This shouldn't be that complicated," the girl sighed impatiently. I finally managed to slip two fingers between Carrisyn's lips (which thrilled me far more than was normal or healthy) and opened her mouth. The girl ground the weed down further with both hands and sprinkled the flakes inside.

"What's that supposed to do?" I asked, eager for some insight into whatever voodoo the girl was performing. I'd skip the sacrificial chicken and zombie bits, but the rest seemed interesting.

"It should help stabilize her and bring her back to consciousness, but that's the extent of my skill. She needs a healer badly." Pleh, I thought, disappointed. That didn't sound like voodoo at all.

"How long does it- "I began when Carrisyn's silver eyes fluttered open. "I guess not very long. Nice."

"Are you ok?" Carrisyn whispered, her voice weak and torn, like she'd just gotten home from a three-day rave. My eyes opened wide in surprise. She was…worried about me? A flush spread across my cheeks and I smiled at her and nodded. Seeing the mighty and haughty countess so weak and frail tugged at my heartstrings in a way I never thought imaginable. "God," I thought to myself. "I want to bully her so badly right now."

"How are you?" I asked instead, taking the high road.

"Been better, honestly," she moved her limbs weakly as if to rise but lacked the strength.

"Ummm," Lyrei interjected. "Not to cut this tender reunion short or anything but we have a problem." I glanced up at her curiously. I think it would be more surprising if we didn't. Problems seemed to follow me like a miserable, oily cloud. "I think the assassin might have told the Ri about your rescue."

"Why do you think that?" I cocked my head to the side. The elf put her shoulder to the door and pushed it closed with a grunt.

"Because the Ri's personal guards are coming and I can't lock the door on this side," she breathed.

"Let them come!" The giant, blue-skinned woman growled fiercely, the sword bigger than I was bursting into sapphire flame in response. I had to survive this, I thought. If for no other reason than to find out who she was and what the hell was going on and to continue to enjoy the show while it was available. I glanced over at Sayuri. Yes, I gritted my teeth in determination. The show had to go on!

"We expected to have to fight to revive the crown, I suppose," Lyrei sighed. "But we have to get out of here so I can give the signal."

"Where's my stuff?" I asked. Lyrei gestured to a ratty chest in the far corner of the room and tossed me the key. I opened the lid and began to strap my armor on. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was fight some sort of civil war to put myself on some stupid broken chair the Ri's bony old ass had been warming for however long. But we had to get Carrisyn to safety. Not to mention I'd had just about enough of the Ri and his minions. Plus, in a real way, I wanted to be queen, even if for only a second or two. I guess it was time to focus on Yeobo again.

"Do you have a plan?" I asked Lyrei, locking the wristbands onto my arms.

"We have to get out of the dungeons first. Unfortunately, the only way is through the royal guard." I could hear their armor creaking and clinking as they rushed down the corridor toward the door.

"Well," I sighed, pulling the hand crossbow free and nocking a bolt. "Let's get to it, then." Lyrei managed to hold the door for a moment before stepping back and drawing her blade. The giant blue demon stalked toward the door with a look of pleasure which made my blood run cold. The giant blazing sword seemed to sense her excitement and burned all the brighter.

"I don't suppose we can talk about this?!" I called as the first guard's head poked through the opening door. An arrow whistled past by his head and clattered against the stone wall close to me. I sighed and raised my crossbow. "Guess not. Can't say I didn't try, though." The guard recognized his danger far too late as the bolt buried itself between his eyes and he collapsed to the ground. Internally I shrunk back; horrified and revolted. Them or me, I thought, Ashvallen's body expertly slipping another bolt into the groove on the crossbow. Kill or be killed. Yeobo! Yeobo!

The door swung open further as the guards slammed their bodies into it. I pulled the string back in place and another guard fell. This is just insane, the rational part of my brain decided. Who just keeps coming when their friends are dying like this? I dodged expertly to the side as the archers bringing up the rear fired over their companions' heads.

Their excitement as the door finally opened all the way was short lived when the front row of ran directly into the sapphire flame of the demon's sword. With a cry of triumph and challenge she waded into their midst. One guard dropped to his knees and dodged to the side of the giantess' blade, thinking to flank her but my crossbow made short work of him.

While seemingly just laying about her with all she had, the demon never left the relative openness of the dungeon's main room, well aware, perhaps, her effectiveness in the tight confines of the corridor would be vastly diminished. At first the guards ran headlong to their doom but the rows behind began to get wise to their strategic disadvantage and began to backpedal slightly, switching from their curved swords to bows.

The arrows burst into flame and disintegrated uselessly long before they reached the blue swordswoman, however, we appeared to be at a standoff. My crossbow could take them out, but I didn't have a limitless supply of bolts and, even though their arrows couldn't penetrate the inferno of the sapphire blaze, eventually the demon would grow tired. Suddenly a figure appeared behind the demon, her long cape wrapped around her tightly.

"Watch yourself!" the girl yelled, throwing what appeared to be a piece of coal down the hall toward the guards. The flame from the demon's sword coalesced for a moment into a shimmering, fiery wall and the piece of coal exploded with the force of a stick of dynamite. Wow, I thought, my ears ringing. Grenade. Where the Ri's personal guard had been was now a mass of blood and devastation. Part of the corridor had collapsed and what few guards had survived the initial blast were staggering drunkenly, the concussion of what I could only decide was a coal grenade stunning them.

"Wow…uh," Lyrei blinked, her sword still in her hand but plainly not needed at the moment. "I…I guess we're clear."

With Sayuri princess carrying Carrisyn like she weighed nothing we hurried down the corridor, the blue demon stopping only briefly to dispatch the remaining guards with extreme prejudice. The warren definitely more than earned its nickname as we rushed along winding passages, sometimes passing bewildered elves who stared at us dumbly but made no move to help or hinder us.

"My name's Ashvallen!" I said brightly to the giant blue demon as we hurried along. "I love your horns!" Her horns, certainly, were not where my gaze was being drawn to, however.

"I'm Zelaeryn," the demon smiled at me, her bright pearly fangs glinting in the torchlight. "Your hair is lovely!" I touched my ponytail and smiled.

"Thank you! I mean, I could use a wash and deep conditioning, but that's very kind of you to say! Not to be too personal and not that I'm complaining at all! I mean…at all, at all! But aren't you cold?"

"Do I appear cold?" Zelaeryn's grin broadened. My gaze dipped to her breasts before snapping back to her face.

"Little bit," I admitted. Zelaeryn laughed long and loud in an infectious way and soon we were both chuckling as we walked.

The passages all looked the same to me, but Lyrei guided us expertly until we came upon a large, iron bound door. Lyrei pushed the door open without hesitation and we found ourselves in an expansive storeroom dominated by a table sitting between stocks of dried goods. Several elves sat around a table, their discussion low and animated. All four stood up as we pushed through the door, each reaching for their weapons in alarm.

"The time has come!" Lyrei said, her voice commanding and self-sure. "The queen is here at last!" Lyrei turned to me as if expecting me to give a rousing and heartfelt speech.

"Uhhh…hey!" I waved lamely at them.

"The end of the Ri's reign comes today!" Lyrei cried after a long, painful, awkward pause, raising her sword skyward defiantly. "The Elves march to war once again to determine our own fate!"