Matters Of The Heart (chapter 4)

It was dusk out when Elizabeth dropped Little Jack off with Rosemary and then walked down the row of houses toward Nathan's house. She wasn't sure what she was going to say to him, but she had told Allie she would talk to him and the truth was that she missed him. She missed the crooked smile and the piercing blue eyes that could see straight through her and read her so well, but she was also angry with him for making a choice for her that she didn't want.

Yes, the thought of him being a Mountie was a scary prospect, but she knew it was useless to fight the feelings she had for him and that she wouldn't be happy settling for anything less. In time she was sure she could learn to trust again and breathe whenever he had to go out of town. It wouldn't be easy, but she was willing to follow her heart and try. She was strong enough to risk it again.

She finally reached his house and slowly climbed the steps to the door. Taking in a deep breath and releasing it slowly, she knocked. When no one answered she tried again. Still no answer. 'Well,' she thought, 'I tried,' but then she stopped when she heard a familiar noise slicing through the air. It was the faint sound of an ax hitting wood. She walked around the side of the house and peered around the corner.

Nathan was standing there, ax in hand. The sight of him took her breath away and rendered her speechless. He had removed his shirt and hung it over a fence post, suspenders hanging lazily at the side of his pants and his undershirt revealed his taught muscles as the ax was pulled back and swung over his head. It then came down, hitting its mark with amazing precision and splitting through the wood with a loud cracking noise before coming to rest in the old tree stump.

His rhythm with the ax was impeccable and then her eyes moved to his face and she couldn't help but notice his normally well-groomed hair was flying over his forehead in the wind with every swing of the ax and had taken on a life of its own, making him even more ruggedly handsome, if that was even possible. Even at that distance she could see his baby blue eyes shinning in the last light of the early evening. She watched as he ran his hands through his hair and pushed the unruly, stubborn dark hair back in an attempt to put it in its proper place.

He looked up in her direction and caught her staring at him, his eyes fixed on her. She was suddenly grateful for the early evening shadows that covered the growing heat she could feel racing up her cheeks. She was certain they were flaming red.

He was the first to speak, flashing her a halfway smirk, "spying on me, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth finally released the breath she didn't know she was holding, "Allie came to me today. She's worried about you," she paused and looked down then back up, "and so am I."

He pulled another log from the wood pile and put it on the stump, lifted the ax over his head again and came down with such force that the log split in two the first time. Without looking at her he threw both pieces to the side, "well, don't be."

She knew she needed to get him to stop chopping. It was too much of a distraction to her senses and making it hard for her to concentrate on her words. "Nathan please stop and look at me. You promised we would talk."

He threw the ax into the stump in frustration and turned to her, "All right, I have nothing to say right now so what do you want to talk about," he shrugged, throwing his hands into the hair and bringing them to rest on his hips.

His words cut through to her and the coldness of them made her shiver inside, "For starters, what happened out there that has changed you so much that you would shut me out?"

He turned and looked out over the meadow. He knew she deserved an explanation from him. The only thing about that day that had felt right was holding her in his arms, but he had seen her and Lucas talking this morning on the way to school and he knew that the memory of that one hug even through the haze of that day would have to last him a lifetime. If he closed his eyes he could almost still feel her body tucked under his, standing in that street. He shook his head of the memory.

He closed his eyes and sighed before speaking to her, but kept looking out over the meadow. He was afraid that if he looked at her he wouldn't be able to keep his distance, "It was supposed to be a routine prison transfer. When we came around a bend in the road this woman stepped out from the trees with a rifle in her hands. It turned out to be Elias' sister and she wanted us to free him. She had us throw our handguns to the side. I thought I could talk her out of doing what she was going to do and I almost did," he paused for a moment, trying to maintain his composure. He then turned to her and she could see the water forming in his eyes, "Elizabeth, I had my hand on the shotgun when it went off. If I hadn't deflected it the other Mountie would still be alive."

Her eyes widened with recognition and trepidation, "…..and you would probably be dead." The words hung in the thick air between them as Nathan slowly nodded in confirmation, "Nathan, Bill did not tell me everything, but he did say that it wasn't your fault and that the other Mountie had made a grave mistake and had picked up a hidden shotgun from under the driver's seat of the wagon."

He looked at her, sadness and anger mixed on the features of his face, "I know that, but Elizabeth, you don't get it. It could have been me, I could have left Allie an orphan and….and never have seen you again and by all accounts, it should have been me and not that young man straight from the academy. He was only 20 years old." He rubbed the tears from his eyes before they could escape and his eyebrows shot up, "it should have been me."

Elizabeth couldn't help herself she ran to him and put her arms around him, surprising him yet again. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back, relishing in the fact that he felt so safe in this moment, "Please don't say that," she muffled into his shirt.

They stood there together like that for a few seconds before he let go of her and took a step back. "Shouldn't you be on a date with Lucas on a Friday night? I can't imagine that he would be too happy if he saw the two of us right now."

She eyed him carefully and raised her eyebrows, "Nathan, about that," she carefully chose her next words, "Did you have a conversation with Lucas about me?"

She could see his body immediately stiffen, "Well…I..uh….I…."

"Nathan," she interrupted, "Did you tell him that he could have me and that you would stop pursuing me?"

He looked down at the ground, not wanting to meet her eyes and decided to go with the truth, "yes."

"Why," she questioned him with a hint of agitation in her voice.

"Elizabeth, I saw the hurt in your eyes and I know a part of you was reliving what you went through with Jack."

"Nathan…."

He threw his hands up in the air to stop her, "Elizabeth, no, let me finish. I could see the pain in your eyes when you thought I was dead. I don't ever want to see that again. I don't want to put you through the pain of losing someone else. It wouldn't be fair of me to ask that of you and I have no right to ask that of you. The truth of the matter is that my job is dangerous and I don't want you to be worried every time I have to go out of town," he swallowed before continuing, "I care about you too much and never want to put you through what you went through with Jack again."

"What right do you think you have to make that choice for me?"

He stared at her in disbelief, "I did what I thought was right. I'm just trying to protect you Elizabeth because you matter to me."

"Nathan, Lucas asked me to court him."

He turned his head and looked off in the distance, he didn't want her to read in his eyes what he was thinking. "I know and I wish you both all the best."

"I told him that I can't court him."

Nathan jerked his head back around, "Why would you do that? He can provide you with a good life and give you the things that you deserve, Elizabeth, so much more than I ever could."

She raised her voice slightly, "He can give me things, yes, but he can't give me the one thing that I want and need the most. Do you honestly think that if I have feelings for another man that I would ever be happy settling for someone else? You asked me one time what was in my heart and to let you know when I had figured it out. It took me awhile to sort it all out, but I know what's in my heart…..I know who is in my heart and it is my choice and I believe worth the risk."

The air between them was stifling, despite the constant blowing of a cool breeze. She cautiously reached her hand up and pushed a stray strand of hair back that had stubbornly fallen over his forehead. He stood there unable to breathe or move, but his eyes finally caught her eyes, "I know what's in my heart, Nathan, the question now is what's in yours?" When he didn't answer she sighed, "Why don't you let me know when you figure it out."

Nathan was speechless, there was so much he wanted to say to her, but he could barely breathe in the moment let alone speak. He needed time to think clearly first. He watched as she turned and walked out of his yard, a small sliver of hope replacing all the doubt, uncertainty, and aching sadness that had previously been in its place.