Grief

How was I going to tell them that Lily had cancer and the right time to bring up the matter just never came.

I could not feel myself anymore. I could not hear anybody's voice anymore. I was rapidly slipping into unconsciousness and it felt very refreshing.

I woke up about sixteen hours later according to Alicia.

She was sitting beside me, changing my ice bag every time it got warm.

I had a raging fever and my head was banging. I could not feel my body and when I tried to raise my hands, they felt very heavy.

'Hey you.' Alicia was looking into my eyes. She had been there, waiting for me to wake.

I tried to speak but I could not. It seemed as though she figured out I could not move or speak so she told me to rest and that food was on its way.

When Alicia left my room, I began to wonder about Lily.

How hard was her last moment?

Did she know it was the end?

Was her mum there to say her final farewell?

Was she really dead?

The lady on the phone asked me to visit whenever I could and I just could not wait to get out of my bed and see for myself that my best friend was really dead.

I just could not come to terms with it. It sounded just as impossible as it sounded possible.

I heard my phone chime but I had no idea where it was and then I remembered George.

I had left him again. He must have called a lot of times and maybe everyone was too busy making sure I was alive to answer his calls.

Just when I tried to sit up, mum came into my room.

She was holding a plate of eggs and a cup of juice. I felt hungry instantly.

She dropped the plate and cup on my table and sat beside me.

'Honey, I am so sorry about Lily. Did you also have no idea?'

Her voice was very low. I could hear the concern she had for me.

'I-'

I did not know how to tell her I did have a lot of ideas about it.

'Don't stress. Just eat and maybe later this week, we can go over to see Emily. She must be a wreck right now.'

Mum was staring into nothingness, probably imagining how Emily was coping with the news.

'I did know about Lily's cancer. I have for a while now. I just did not know when to tell you or if it was even necessary to tell you.'

My body was starting to feel less heavy but my voice was very cracked.

'Oh dear. Don't worry about it. There's nothing anyone can do now. Just eat your food and rest.'

She sounded calm. I guess she did not want me feeling any type of way or blaming myself.

'Thank you mum.' I sat up. I was getting back to normal already.

'I called a doctor to check on you when you were unconscious. He said it was as a result of shock and that you need to rest for a really long time.'

'Alicia, Mauve and I will be going to see Nate tomorrow. All you need to do is rest…'

'...but mum!' I felt left out and pitied. I did not like it at all.

'No buts Kassandra. George called and he'll be glad to keep you company while we are away. I need you to stay in this house at all times. Do that, will you?'

She was not asking a question. She was giving me an instruction. One I did not like at all.

I wanted to see Nate's reaction when he saw mum.

I wanted to be there with them but now, I had to spend my day with George looking the exact opposite of how I wanted to look around him.

'Okay.' I whispered.

I was not okay with it and I knew it was selfish of me.

I had just lost my best friend and instead of reflecting on that, I wanted to watch my brother break down in tears at the sight of my mum.

When she left my room, I went over to my table to eat.

I could not taste anything but I was too hungry to stop eating.

With every bite I took, I thought about Lily.

I was very sad and it felt really weird that it was really the end.

She had died and she was not coming back.

She was not going to call to tell me how she had her hairdresser cut her hair too short or how her mum made her ride her bike for two hours without any rest.

My phone chimed again, it was on the floor. I stood up to pick it up.

The time was twenty three minutes past twelve. Just after noon. I had spent the whole day being unconscious and somehow, I still felt really tired.

I checked my messages. There was a lot from Lily.

'Hey you. I really miss you.'

'Sigh, this doctor says I need to rest but I just cannot.'

'Is it weird that I get to choose my time of death?'

'Yeah, I got so bad and I don't think I want any of the pain anymore.'

'It's time for the injection, I love you Kassy.'

'Goodbye from Lily Haris.'

I could not move from where I stood.

She really made them do it?

Where was her mum the whole time?

She must have suffered so much and I was not there at any point in time.

I wanted to scream but I could not. The tears just kept flowing from my eyes.

I was so confused. She thought about me till the very end and I was not there for her at all.

I sucked my teeth. My body was shaking and I felt very dizzy.

I made my way to my bed and hugged my pillow. I was crying so much but I made no sounds.

Reality had just dawned on me. It was final and nothing could change it.

How was I going to cope without my ever present best friend?

I was going to refer to her with past tense and it was very disturbing for me.

I loved Lily so much. She was one of the few people who actually understood me.

I just could not let go.