Sleepless night

That night, we slept comfortably, with our clean bedding and room. No squeaking sounds. With a clean room, warm, clean water, food. The luck seems like gold, if you get too much gold, someone will rob you. If you get too much luck, something with happened that will be ripped out of your luck and replace with misfortune. And like I said, nothing comes in handy in my life. I get a nightmare Not something news, I always get a nightmare when we're at the orphanage. But that night, it's a bit intense.

Dad's hanging, mom's screaming, dad's crying, my heart's bleeding. The orphanage is burning, Henry is laughing, he comes at me, people's laughing, squeaking noises, me laughing, cold and I lost in those chaotic dreams.

And since that day, I can't sleep. And I find myself, staring at my father's last letter. Unable to opened or read it.

A week has passed, and we received our first salary. As the Johnsons said, they did cut some from my salary, around £40 for the room and utilities. And food.

Who am I to complain? I am grateful. Jade received a clean wage for him, and we both saved our money for our first home.

Since we're getting embarrassed at receiving food, we keep saving the leftovers we received, most of the bread in our fridge. We refused to accept more. And the Johnson's respected our decision. Sometimes, they get mouldy but whatever, we're going to eat it anyway.

And three months have passed, my stomach started to show more. And Jade's now slimmer. He's getting taller too. His voice changed. Puberty. So Jade told me to wear his old shirt, to hide my stomach.

We worried that the Johnsons would misunderstand since they think we are siblings by blood. We are siblings, but people talk. It's a bit annoying. I'm lucky I don't have morning sickness but I do have cravings that I can't satisfy.

Jade is now working two jobs, as a newspaper boy, and at a convenience store. From five in the morning to twelve, throwing the newspaper, four in the evening to three in the morning. The cycle repeated.

Jade get around £2000 something from the convenience store, they paid twice a month, half. Four hundred in the first two weeks, and another four hundred at the end of the week. Something like that.

Which helps us save even more. And the next month, we finally were able to rent a house with Mr Xavier. Since he gave discounts. Unfurnished house, one bedroom, one bathroom and one kitchen. It's nice though.

The Johnsons helped us to move out, giving us some food, the one door fridge from the attic, the duvet and blanket. Two pillows, we refused to receive more. We were such a burden to them.

Pride. That's what they said. Both me and Jade have too much pride to receive their kindness.

But it's not pride. Sometimes, kindness is the worst thing that we ever received. And when we are used to kindness, we will start to trust people. And nothing good coming from the trust. Betrayal does.

The new house was great, the walls were thin, we could hear everything. A bit shocking, and triggering. For both of us since our neighbour next door banging each other. After a few weeks living there, we finally found out that our neighbour next door is a host at a nightclub, sometimes he brings his clients home.

The first week, it's triggering. To just listen to them, it's triggering. The second week. It's haunting. The memory. It's haunting me. The third week. My nightmare is getting worse. It's hard to breathe.

The fourth week. I can't sleep at night. At all. Jade's working the night shift most of the time. It's easier. He said. But as for me, it makes me...lonely. In the house by myself, listening to things that remind me of the past. It's triggering.

The fifth week. I'm tired of hearing them, sometimes I find myself on the bathroom floor, sleeping. Jade was shocked when he went back home at three in the morning since he couldn't find me. We have the first fight that day. I said I don't want to stay by myself at home, especially at night. But he said I have to. The night shift got paid more.

Money is everything.

The sixth week. Jade's getting overprotective, he went to the next door and banged the door, asked them to shut the fuck up. He has a bit of a hot temper now. And whenever he's home and saw me sleeping in the bathroom, he would trample our neighbour and fight. He's lucky, that our neighbour didn't file a report. He couldn't.

The seven-week. I'm too tired to even think, I can't sleep, I have no appetite to eat. Nightmare's just overwhelming. Jade's working day and night, while I only work five to four. And he worked two jobs, morning to morning. Only able to rest from twelve to three in the evening every day. Guilt started to build up. Pressure rising up. I feel like I am at the edge of the cliff. I can't move, I can't do anything.

I'm craving. And I can't even get what I want. I sat on the floor, thinking.

What am I doing right now?

I can feel my baby kicking, it's hurt. Yes, it's kicking now, I'm officially pregnant for five months and two weeks. I never knew that being pregnant can be hurtful and painful. My back is aching, I keep peeing, and when the baby kicks, it's hurt. I can only sleep on my side, it'll be easier to get up if I do so. I can't stand for too long or my feet will start to swell. I get tired, hungry, and emotionally drained easily.

I rubbed my growing belly softly. It's showing now. Khai. That's what I chose. To name the baby. In Arabic, it means the chosen one. My chosen one. My strength. I know, I used to say that I won't love the baby. I don't think I'm going to love it. But, when he the baby started to kick, I just feel...weird. There is some soul living inside me. A human being. I carried a human being. And I found it, astonishing. It's hard, to be pregnant, but it's weird too. I always find myself, rubbing my own belly, talking, humming, singing, smiling and chuckling.

I know this baby is his too. But...no matter how much I hate him, and no matter how much I hate myself, or no matter how much I hate the fact I am pregnant, the baby...it's not the baby's fault. This baby deserves love.

Love that I didn't receive. Love that I didn't get. Love that I've never experienced.

I will give this baby the most beautiful childhood, the love it deserves, no matter what gender it would be, or who the baby takes after. I will give the baby, things that I never have before.

"I'm sorry, baby. Mommy can't give you what you want now. Mommy needs to save some money so your future will be secured. But, I promised you, I will give you the best life! Your uncle will give you the best love too as mommy did. Be a little patient, just a little more."

The baby kicked as if understand what I said. I laughed. So cute!

I jumped a bit when I heard the door clicking, and Jade opened the door and locked them. Looked at me with a frown.

"They fucked again?" he asked, glancing at the wall. I shake my head and smile. Or he will make another ruckus with our neighbour. He dropped his bag and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. "You can't sleep? Craving? Perhaps?"

"Hm...I can't sleep because Khai's kicking," I said, laughing.

"A bit active, huh?" he laughed, slowly walked to me. "Did you have anything you wanted to eat? I got my salary today, I can buy you something if you want to," he asked.

"Hmm, nothing." I want some raspberries.

"I got a new job. At the shoe factory," he said, lying on the floor. I frowned. What the…another one?

"You already have jobs, Jade."

"Yeah. And we need some more for your day, For you when it's time to give birth. We need some more money."

"Your schedule is already packed, dimwit," I said, slapping his knees. "Look at you! All skinny already, Jade. Don't be too harsh on yourself."

"We need to buy a bed for you, Maddie. At least, one bed. Day by day, your fucking stomach getting bigger. Soon enough, you have to take a long leave, probably quit your job. I know what I'm doing." he said, harshly. "And just tell me what you want to eat, I'll buy it for you. Don't hold back!"

Our conversation ended there. We will turn sixteen soon, I know he's right. But I felt like I'm a burden. He fall asleep soon after, tired of all his hard work.

As for me, it was another sleepless night. Not because Khai's kicking, because of the nightmares. Again.