33. Shadows

A/N: Apologies if you find this in lower quality. I hate writing them not getting along.

Every surgeon I know has a shadow. A dark cloud of fear and doubt that follows even the best of us into the OR. We pretend the shadow isn't there hoping that if we save more lives, master harder techniques, run faster and farther it will get tired and give up the chase but like they say... you can't outrun your shadow.

-Meredith Grey

"I forgive you. I forgive you for not calling Derek or asking about him." Emily's voicemail rang in his ear. "I forgive you, because I love you. But you do not know the whole story and you should talk to him. I love you. I'll try to talk to you soon. Bye."

.

"I performed my face transplant today. You shoulda been there. And I didn't talk to Derek. I know Big Grey did. And I don't want to talk to him. I'm sorry."

Emily responded simply, "You talk to him because he is your best friend. Also, it's petty and I will stay in Boston until you do." Hanging up, she sighed. Walking to the resident's lounge, she threw her phone into her cubby as she began to pack her bag to go home after a long surgery. As she shrugged on her cream-colored coat, her phone rang once more. Taking it, she frowned at the caller ID.

"Alex? What's up?"

"Izzie has stage four metastatic melanoma that's spread to her brain and liver. Em, it's bad. It's so bad."

Her world dropped beneath her feet.

.

It seemed as if life were moving too fast for her to comprehend. Izzie was getting cancer, Cristina was with Owen and then they broke up, and Derek was back at work, operated on Izzie and it was a success.

"I'm engaged," Meredith had informed in one of their phone calls.

Noah was teaching residents and interviewing prospective fellows, Taylor was finishing up his fellowship and Tom explained his intents to propose to Ella.

Something about her and Tom just clicked in the best way. So she had agreed to help him plan it.

"You should do something big, romantic. Ella's a romantic," she suggested and he agreed.

"Maybe singing a song? Guitar?" She hummed thoughtfully at that. "I know guitar."

"Could you teach me? I could be like your band while you sing," she joked and he laughed, bumping her with his elbow.

"Definitely. And you'll have to tell me some songs," he returned and she agreed as they brought their lunches to the table. "Band outside her window?"

"Nah. Too cheesy. She's not a cheesy romantic. That means no big rose bundles and big proposal like a flash mob. Also, no chocolates." Tom nodded. The woman was lactose intolerant. "Maybe something along the water on sunset. Go to one of the beaches, scan out a spot."

"Yeah! That's a good idea." He scribbled it down on a notepad, adding to the long list of ideas they had. "What about-"

"Shush!" she whispered and he stuffed the notepad in his pocket, schooling his face into painfully casual as her phone rang. It was Izzie calling her and she answered as Ella approached them with her own tray of food. She looked mildly suspicious as Emily pressed the answer button.

"Hey, Em!" the woman greeted cheerfully. The background was rumbling slightly and Emily tried to figure out where she was. "I'm off to my first round of I.L.-2. Alex, say hi."

"Hi," greeted the man shortly. "Whatcha up to?"

"Nothing much, waiting for the page for a donor heart," she replied with a smile. "How about you?"

"Just doing some reading."

"And, what're you reading, Iz?" she asked teasingly.

"Seattle Metropolitan Bride & Groom." Tom leaned to slurp near the speaker before taking her juicebox.

"Tom!" she scolded as Ella laughed, breaking her conversation with Matthew and Davin momentarily. The two men had joined them while she spoke to her Seattle friends.

"Oh, what was that?" the blonde on the other side inquired, a tint of disgust in her tone, and Tom poked his head towards the speaker, nearly yelling in Emily's ear to make sure Izzie on the other end heard.

"Thomas Jones, also known as the pain in her ass," he joked, winking at Emily who narrowed her eyes at him.

"Stop taking my food!" she persisted and he groaned dramatically, popping the grape in his mouth. "Sorry, Iz. He tends to be a bit of a food kleptomaniac. Anyway, here are my Boston friends." She turned her phone so the speaker faced them. They all paused at her words. "Say hi to my Boston friends." They all chorused their greetings and she flipped around her phone again, pressing it to her ear. "Continue chattering, citizens,"

"Dictator," Davin retorted before returning to his conversation that now had turned into some kind of debate over sutures or staples. Emily sent him a playfully wicked glare and spilled some grapes into her mouth. Izzie managed to stifle her giggles as the brunette finally returned her focus to her friend.

"Why're you even looking at that magazine, Iz?"

"Didn't you hear? Derek and Meredith got engaged. Damn, I thought Mer would tell you for sure."

"I did. I just didn't know you were planning it. So, how are Derek and Mark? Are they talking yet?"

"Yeah, no they aren't." The blonde seemed sad about that. "It has been living hell for some of the staff." Emily groaned with a roll of her eyes. Tom once again stole another grape and she relinquished the plastic container in favor for her salad. "Lexie's caught in the middle today and she's stress-eating and it's been terrible."

"Should I call?"

"Definitely. Sloan's been more of an ass than usual," said Alex and she snorted.

"Well, that could be because I threatened not to come home if he didn't apologize. He's battling his pride," she informed quietly with a sigh. "And I haven't called him. Like, at all. And I've been so busy, I- I'll try today but I have to get a heart for one of my patients." She couldn't even remember the last time she spoke to Mark that wasn't in a voicemail.

"Well, we're here," Alex said. "We've gotta go."

"Technically, we don't," Izzie protested just as Emily's pager beeped. She had to catch that helicopter to harvest the heart. Clicking it to silence the beeping, she stood. Tom continued to steal bites of her salad.

"But, now I have to. Sorry, gotta get that heart." Emily pushed her tray towards Tom, relinquishing the meal. "I'll try to call soon. Lots of love." Taking her Mass Gen jacket and folding it over her arm, she left the cafeteria in haste. Her friends said their goodbyes as well, Tom pumping his fist victoriously and digging into her meal that she had given him.

"Bye, Em!" The couple chorused and she hung up as she ran to the elevator, pocketing her phone and pulling on her thick jacket. The elevator zoomed up to the helipad as she fiddled with the hair ties on her wrist, trying to think of something to say to her boyfriend when she got the chance.

If she got the chance.

.

"How was surgery?"

"It was good. How 'bout yours?" she inquired back as Tom pulled off his scrub cap. Smoothing out his hair, he yawned. "Are you off tonight?"

"Yeah, you?" she said yes and he grinned. "Fantastic!" Sometimes he was such a kid. Rolling her eyes, she arrived at the nurse's station and opened her patient's chart. "So, we should get drinks because I need more ideas."

"Why can't we just go back to your place?"

"Because Ella'll be there, doofus!" he retorted and she groaned. "She wasn't on call today and she's been so grumpy lately."

"You know, I think you should just have sex with her," she told him frankly. "She's getting suspicious of you cheating on her. So please, get some game so we can plan more nefariously in peace."

.

After finally getting off shift, she got a call from George. "Hello?"

"God, today was invigorating," he said after a quick greeting. Then he went off, spewing about how his surgery on a suicidal patient was amazing, similar to how she gushed about Mass Gen. Giving him her time gladly, she sat down on a bench outside the hospital as he spoke about what Hunt said, saying how he's always ten steps ahead. How he was wired to do this. "Trauma is my passion, Em, I think it is."

"That's good, George," she said after he finished and she was sure he could hear her smile. "I'm really happy for you; I just wish I was there to see it."

"You will be," he said confidently, "I know it. You know how? Because you're Emily and you'll be there."

"I can't promise anything," she sighed, gazing at the Boston scenery. "I miss you a lot. I want to come home,"

"I know," he replied and they were quiet for a long time until George said something.

"What?"

"Make sure you come to the wedding. You're gonna be a bridesmaid or something and then we'll party. To us."

"To us," she echoed, kissing her phone so George could hear. "And how far we've come."

"And how far we've come," he agreed over the line. "I've gotta go check on my patient. Bye." He was quiet for a moment and she whispered a soft goodbye. "Bye, Em."

"Goodbye."

.

Izzie emailed pictures of Meredith and Derek's wedding outfits. They looked so amazingly good-looking that Emily nearly had a heart attack. And in the Lord's name, Emily was head over heels in love with Meredith's dress.

"You should definitely wear something like this." She showed Tom the picture and he agreed. They were babysitting her nephews as he strummed the guitar. Setting down her laptop, she shuffled through the sheets of music he printed for her. Ollie ran by and she scooped him up, peppering his cheeks with kisses. "Hey, bugaboo."

He slapped her cheeks back with a giggle and she settled him in her lap, bouncing her leg up and down for his amusement before reading the notes Tom had taught her. It had been hard to keep the secret from Ella who had grown suspicious of their secret meetings but it was going to be worth it. "Will! Are you done eating?" he yelled over his shoulder as Will shouted back.

"Yes, Tommy!"

"Okay, okay. Ready for dessert?" He stood up, placing the guitar back on the couch and ruffling Ollie's hair as he passed. Emily grinned at how good he was with his mentor's kids, returning her attention to Ollie. He gazed at her with big green eyes, pleading for more attention.

"Hey, baby," she cooed, lifting him high in the air. He squealed in delight before she plunged him back in the safety of her arms, cuddling him close to her chest. He rested on her sternum, eyes closing from tiredness. Smiling fondly, she got up and placed the music sheets on the table. "Tom, I'm taking Ollie to his room. He's tuckered out."

"Sure. After I get Will to brush his teeth, I'll read him his story and then we're good to go for the rest of the night."

She agreed to the plan and they proceeded to tuck the two boys back into their beds, kissing them goodnight and making sure they were comfortable. When they returned to the living room, she sat on the loveseat while he sat on the couch. Picking up the guitar, he strummed softly while singing the first few lines of the song. She listened quietly, following along in the music sheets and when he stopped, she looked up. He offered her the guitar and she took it tentatively, feeling awkward.

"I don't know all of it."

"Then I'll help. Come on," he urged and she grinned, gliding her fingers across the strings as she nodded.

She sang and although she stumbled a few times, he helped her through it all and when they finished with the last chord, something pushed up her lungs, lifting her lips into a huge smile. Tom smiled proudly, ruffling her hair. She placed the guitar on the table and cracked her knuckles. Leaning against Tom, she closed her eyes just as her phone rang. Tom moved and she groaned, sinking deeper into the couch.

"Em, it's Mark." Her eyes opened. It was like a dark shadow looming over her as she was passed her phone. Tom, obviously sensing her change of mood, frowned and placed a hand on her knee. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked quietly and she nodded. Taking her hand, she answered.

"Hi, Mark," she whispered softly and her voice cracked, whether from exhaustion or from a different kind of tired, she didn't know.

"Hey. I'm surprised I caught you," he mumbled back, obviously exhausted but not wanting to give up on a chance to catch her. "How're you?"

"I'm good." Mark was quiet for a moment and Emily swallowed audibly. "I didn't mean it. Staying in Boston. I wouldn't break up with you over this."

"I know."

"And I'm sorry I haven't called," she said. "I've been busy."

"I know. It's okay," he lied and she knew it. It wasn't okay that they barely talked anymore. There was a silence with just their breaths into the microphone when he suddenly cut in. "Em…"

"I don't want us to live like this."

"It's hard. But we can make it, you know? And I'm... I'm okay with Derek, again." She smiled slightly as he continued, "I've been on a few good surgeries. There was this girl that fell out of a tree and broke all her limbs."

"Cool."

"Are you okay?"

"I miss you," she whispered. Tom gave her a stricken look and she shook her head. He squeezed her hand once more and stood, leaving to go tend to her nephews. "I miss you and I feel half-empty without you. Like, a part of me is gone without you."

"You know, I wish we were the type of people who weren't like this. I wish we were the type of people who didn't... who weren't-" He was having trouble. She got that, she knew what he meant. "This is only temporary, though." When she didn't respond, he persisted, "It is, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if I'll ever get used to this long distance thing. And for what it's worth, I wish we weren't so fucked up too," she said because that's what he truly said. She could read his sentences, find their real meaning. He wished they weren't damaged, but then, would they have found each other as they have? "But remember? Fighting against the world?"

"Yeah, I do," he said and at last, she could hear some of the old Mark in his voice. Lighter, more energetic. "We can make this work. It'll work." She smiled at his hopeful tone and found that her cheeks stretched in such a way that it felt like she hadn't smiled in days. "Will you be off for the wedding? 'Cause then we can go together."

"You know I'll do my best to try." She kissed the speaker and heard him sigh. "Goodnight, Mark." she whispered. "I adore you."

"I adore you, too." He hung up first and she turned the screen off of her phone, placing it on the table in front of her. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she tilted back and closed her eyes. There was the sound of footsteps and she opened her eyes to see Tom's face above her as he stood behind the couch.

"I'm going to make you some hot chocolate."

"Tom."

"Yeah?" He paused at the doorway, looking back.

"I don't think hot chocolate can fix this." He nodded, returning to his perch beside her on the couch. He offered a slight smile then picked up the guitar and extended it to her.

"Got to get it perfect for the wedding, right?" he asked and she nodded. "It'll work out. You two, it'll work. You just have to get used to it, you know?" She nodded once more. "Come on. From the top…"

Tom and Emily clicked. And although Mark got her kind of silence, Tom knew how to keep her out of it.

A/N: Edited October 13, 2018

Next: The wedding.