Devil's Advocate

I am so glad to hear the voice of a friend I call true.

"Faye... how's it going?" Maya asked.

"On a scale of 0 to 10? Minus 4," I said. "But you might be happy to know that I haven't touch a single stick of cigarette since I got here."

Maya chuckled. "You quit smoking?"

"I didn't quit. I just didn't get to. Honestly, in times like these, I'd rather happily puff away. But I can't, right? Not in the hospital, not at my mom's home. So... I called you. Sorry about the hours. Are you sleeping with somebody?"

"Oh geez goddamn you," Maya answered, with ,I imagine, a roll of her eyes. I smiled, having successfully triggered her to a curse. That was the best so far. Maya doesn't curse, doesn't smoke, doesn't sleep around and she got her head on her shoulders.

Funny how we are worlds apart but clicked so well. 'Divine appointment' she said before.

"Sigh...." I sighed into the phone.

"You alright, honey?"

"No... and you are right. God damned me. I am so fucking tired."

"Bet you are... how's mom?" she asked softly.

"She... erm..." I casted a loving look on mom, asleep on the hospital bed. Her chest rose and fell, rose and fell... an assurance that she is still alive. A line of saliva drooled from the corner of her mouth. I took a piece of tissue and gently dabbed it dry.

The pain in my heart is so overwhelming.

"Are you crying, honey?" Maya broke the silence. I nodded.

Even over the phone, she would know that I nodded.

"If you were me, Maya... you would know that I am hanging by a thread, at the very edge of life and death. The hopelessness and despair... it is like fighting daily but not getting anywhere, but worse!"

"Faye... hang in there. I never cease praying for mom and you... God loves mom and cares for her." Noted Maya always addressed mom as 'mom', and never 'your mom'. Even when she texted me.

"No... That's not how to show love. If you have the power to save someone, and still let them die, and turn around to tell the family that god loves, who would believe??

No... Maya, you wanna tell me about god? I'll tell you that he had abandoned me.

Or that my mom and I are not in his high priority list. He maybe good to you, but I don't think he loves everybody equal."

"Faye..." Maya interrupted softly.

"Let me finish, Maya..." I knew we are standing at the opposite end of a disagreement at this moment, but all I cared about is my mom.

"Mom's heart condition is really bad. She could die anytime. For all we know, her funeral could be next week, goddamn it!! If there is a god, he should know that I'm at my lowest now. All faith is shaken and all trust broken.

The god I prayed to? He never exists."

I paused, but Maya wasn't saying anything. So I continued.

"Look... I am not being an ass here, thinking my problems is the biggest in the world. Everybody has their sets of challenges. I am taking mine heads on and deal with it.

Just that it is tiring to fight a losing battle. What hope is there?

And if there really is a god, now is a good time to show yourself. I think you are late by many days, and sometimes, I think you think that's it is funny to torture me with these hopelessness and the prospect of losing my mom, and yes Maya you may speak now."

I kept a levelled and soft tone. If I wasn't in the ward, I might have screamed the whole way.

"I... I'm sorry," that was all she could muster.

I gave us some more time.

"Hun, I can't imagine your pain... and the tremendous exhaustion and emptiness within you..." Maya said.

"Yeah... life."

"The journey is tough, I wanna be hopeful with you. With this, I'm gonna shut up for now, honey..."

"Okay, girlfriend," and we hung up.

How easy for a person who does not know all the details to be hopeful. Naive? Faith?

I fixed my eyes on mom again and it occured to me.

Mom, are you hopeful?

Or, are you scared? Or both?

I wish I could get to know what are you feeling and what are you thinking. I googled, some websites said aphasia does not affect cognitive ability.

If I can get to know what you are feeling and thinking, I won't feel so alone.

It was getting late at night, and time passes very slowly. I do not fall asleep easily anymore.

I shifted uncomfortably in the chair meant for visitors to sit, not to sleep, hoping to find a position for my tired body.

Part of me hoped that if I did fall asleep, not waking up might be a good idea.

Oh no no no. Mom didn't raise me that way.

'As long as there's an opportunity to live on with purpose, when you have something to fight for, you live on,' mom said before.

Did she just said that again?

Did she just use telepathy to talk to me?

I lifted my head to look at mom. She is still fast asleep, but she moved her head and turned to the other side. Eyes still closed, chest still rhythmically moves up and down... up and down.

Maybe I've gone crazy.

But I'll take it as a consensus from mom that we both shall keep fighting, no matter how dire the situation is.

I'm not letting go until Death wrench you out of my grip. As for god, or the God with a capital G, whatever...

I'm losing faith.

Mom, probably one thing you did wrong, was that you named me 'Faye'.