2 : Chronic Trauma

Let me tell you a story. It's not lovely fairytale of a prince and a princess or a damsel in distress. Life is not a fairytale.

When I was a child, probably in the year of 2014, I had a certain phobia. Phobia of darkness. I was also afraid of being end up alone, so I used to try my level best to make a bunch of friends.

I made many friends all my life but niw that I am sitting on my couch and thinking all these things, a certain question aroused in my mind. Should they be really considered as my friends?

I have a disease that makes red patches of my skin. They usually stay for a few months and it is not contagious. I had a friend. We were friends for six years and when we were in our sixth grade she told me to be away from her. From her expression I knew what she was thinking at that time. She might had felt disgusted by my appearance. I had nothing to do but purse my lips and accept the reality with bleeding heart.

After that incident I tried to make new friends. They were very friendly. They used to keep their backpacks on my seat and I had to stand during the whole class. Most of the time I used to sit alone, staring at the window sill aimlessly.

By the time I was in my seventh grade, theirs bullying started increasing . Some times they used to put trash inside my water bottle while sometimes they used to put it inside my mouth forcefully. I wanted to scream but who would even listen to my pathetic voice? They even used to make fake complaints to the teachers whenever they felt like to. There was one time when they forcibly snatched my hair clip and thew it from the window because I didn't pick her pen which was fallen on the ground.

My red patches generally used to form on my legs, hands, abdomen and back and mostly during winters. So, my face was still in proper condition.

I met my my first love during my eight grade. Like those cliche dramas my heart also used to flutter whenever he was around me. It was the sweetest feeling I had in my life. And one day when he confessed his love, I felt like the happiest person in the whole world. We went into a relationship but something was incomplete. He never recognised me as his girlfriend in front of his friends. Sometimes he used to text me only once or twice a month. He never talked to me in the school and always flirted with the other girls. But I was still happy because I truly loved him.

By the end of 2018, I revolted against those friends of mine. The result was... They boycotted me. I didn't utter a single word of remorse. Empty benches, walking in the corridor aimlessly... The most difficult part was during the lunch period. Everyone had a partner with whom they used to share their tiffin and feelings. Even in a classroom of fifty students I used to feel like being alone.



                ( Pic ctto A silent voice anime)

Things were rough. It was also the time when I realised my boyfriend was tangled with another girl. I was depressed and just blocked him. During all these things I didn't loose my hope. I tried to make another friend. Her name was Aisha. I helped her in correcting her failed mathematics question paper. She promised me to contact afterwards but she never did. I used to roam around from one corner to another in my room glancing every now and then my phone. I used to cry even day and night asking god for just a friend in my life. I was desperate.

It was the year 2019. I was then in my ninth garde. After helping Aisha completely, I found a sudden change in her behavior. Afterwards I got to learn that she wanted to distance me from hers because according to her I was just a whore. A few days later I heard the news of my boyfriend proposing to one of my classmate. That day I cried like a child. I promised myself that I would never help anyone in their wrongdoing. During that time those friends who boycotted me for the past six months reconciled with me .  That happiness too did not last for long. As they boycotted me again after just a short period of time because I did not one of those friends to conceal the fact that she failed and it was due to her own fault.

At that time Nisha took my hands and introduced me to her own group. At first I felt like an unnecessary being, but slowly things started going better. In a small passage of time we became best friends. But God had some another planing in his mind. Nisha started spreading false rumours about me while another boy of that group distanced me from himself because I did not reciprocate to his feelings. At last we drifted apart. Again. I had exactly four people with whom I can talk. But at that time after all these things I was too tired. I wanted to cry and I wanted to love but all my tears had been used up. All these incidents were enough to give me a trauma to last for a life time or what I thought it would be.

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To be continued ~