Chapter 109. Status

Moments after their victory, Max separated himself from Everly, resumed his human form and knelt before the defeated monster. He then ran his hands along its body, feeling around as though he were looking for something, which Everly found puzzling.

"Jackpot!" he said gleefully. "Total compatibility."

"What are you up to?" she asked him.

"Shut up for a second and I'll show you," Max replied.

Everly frowned and was about to tell him to do something obscene to himself when Max's hand began glowing with a vibrant red light which he then plunged into the creature's body. When he removed it, he held a gleaming golden orb which he then crushed in his fist.

"Got it," he said. "Shadow form. Nice."

"Shadow form?" asked Everly. "Explain yourself."

In response, Max's body became immersed in darkness, leaving a black outline standing in front of her instead of another person. Then he let himself fall backwards onto the floor, flattening against it into the shape of a shadow.

"Coooool," he said happily. Then he stretched forth and reappeared behind Everly, moving so quickly that even her keen eyes could barely follow his movements. "Very cool!" he repeated. "Instantaneous movement from shadow to shadow. What an idiot that guy was! Why come smashing in here and presenting a target when he totally could have gotten the jump on us? You really must have pissed him off or something."

"Eh, that's something I do to a lot of people," Everly said indifferently. "More importantly, did you just steal that thing's ability?"

"Uh, I would prefer that you say I inherited his ability," Max said indignantly. "I'm not a thief."

"What's the name of the ability that allows you to do that?" Everly asked him.

"…[Skill Steal]," he admitted.

"Get fucked, Max," Everly said irritably.

"Nyur-hur-hur," he chuckled. "Still, this is a pretty nice acquisition. I've always enjoyed lurking menacingly in the shadows. What better way to do that than by being a shadow? The intangibility and teleportation feel pretty sweet as well. And would you look at my character sheet? I went up five whole levels with just that one kill! Thanks, Hades!"

"You pray to the god of death?" Everly snorted. "That's pretty edgy, Max."

"Bite your tongue, I don't pray to anybody!" Max said with a scowl. He then pointed at the monster's corpse. "That's this loser's name. Can't you see his nameplate?"

"Again, what are you talking about?" Everly asked. "Nameplates? Levels? Hey, I totally get being emotionally detached from your surroundings, but you sound like you're living out a video game."

Max stared at her blankly as if in genuine surprise. "Uh, you're kidding me, right? Wait, you're not, are you? You really don't know…"

Suddenly he began laughing at her. He roared with mocking jubilation, laughing so hard that he fell over and rolled from side to side like a delighted child, so consumed with merriment that he soon began crying and gasping for breath.

He stopped when Everly took careful aim and kicked him in the face.

"Knock it off!" she yelled. "Jesus, Max, just answer the question."

"Sorry, sorry," he gasped. "It's just…I can't believe how fucking clueless you are! Wow, you're that strong, and you seem like such a know-it-all, but you're also SUCH AN IGNORANT DUMBASS! WOW!"

"Max," she said as she held up a fist. "You either start coughing up some answers or you start coughing up some blood. It's your choice, pal."

"All right, all right," he said after one more giggle. "Let's see, it's actually easier if you do it yourself than it would be to explain. Uhhh…I personally call my sheet up automatically whenever I think about it. How would I do that if I were some unknowledgeable little brat who didn't have the slightest clue how her powers worked?"

"Max—," she began to say.

"Try this," he cut in. "Clear out your mind and say, "Status."

"Why?" she asked.

"Just shut up and do it!" he snapped, this time frowning deeply at her. "You'll see why for yourself."

"Fine, but if you're wasting my time, you'll regret it," she promised him.

"Hey, stupid, we're in the abyss. All we have is free time," he replied.

God, he's so mouthy, Everly thought angrily to herself. If he thinks I can't break him of that habit of talking back, then I look forward to proving him wrong!

She would deeply enjoy the process of correcting his misconceptions about the nature of their partnership. For starters, it wasn't a partnership! She was in charge and that was the end of it! If that was a problem with him, then too bad.

He was her property now.

"Just know what's coming if you're messing with me," she said.

"Okay, drama queen. Just say what I told you, already!" said Max.

"Grrrr. Fine, status," she said after shutting her eyes. When she opened them, a large blue screen floated before her eyes. "What the actual fuck?!" she said after jumping back in surprise.

"I could never figure out if having a status screen meant that life is an elaborate hologram and we're all living in the matrix," Max said. "It seems likely, right? It's either that or the author of our existence is just a lazy gamer relying on tired old Japanese cartoon tropes to excuse his pathetic lack of personal creativity. Right, Geez?"

"Shut up. I'm trying to read this," Everly said impatiently.

Name: Everly Skolder.

Level: 18.

Class: Tyrant/Elemental Lord

Race: Human/Semideus

Alignment: Lawful Evil (Barely.)

Strength: 225 (V)

Combat: 200

Speed: 250 (V)

Magic: 500 (V)

Charisma: 150 (V)

Intelligence: 25

Wisdom: 8

Luck: 300

Skills: Master Swordsmanship (SS+), Unarmed combat mastery (S+), Intermediate Axe Mastery (C+), Oration (A+), Elemental Mastery (SS+), Semi-divinity (S+).

Titles: Conqueror. (One who has successfully overthrown a kingdom.)

Marauder. (One who delights in crushing her opponents.)

Slayer of Hope. (One who lets her opponents think they have a chance for victory.)

Beloved Despot. (One who successfully disguises her true nature from the ignorant masses.)

Earth Mover. (The land trembles at your approach.)

Necromancer. (One who denies the natural order.)

Psychotic Reincarnater. (You had no way of knowing it would actually work. What the hell is wrong with you?)

Selfish Lover. (Once you're finished, you lose interest. Do you know how frustrating that is?)

User. (You're a horrible friend.)

Bad Boss. (Your employees are all saints for putting up with you.)

Bad Sister. (TERRIBLE Sister.)

Bad Daughter. (When was the last time you spoke to your mother?)

Daddy's little monster. (He's so proud of you. Is that a good thing?)

Lady Killer. (You know what you did. Bitch.)

"Okay, those last few titles are all bullshit," Everly frowned. "I feel so judged."

"Yeah, these systems love having their little running commentary at our expense," Max said. "Just ignore it."

"I can't believe it, though," said Everly. "Levels? Skills? My life since rebirth has been running on MMO principals and no one even told me?"

"If you never learned, then the locals on your world have probably forgotten how it works," suggested Max. "Lemme guess; there was a big empire or whatever that existed thousands of years ago, but it fell apart during a long series of wars and now stuff that used to be commonplace is now rare and wooooo?"

"Yeah, kind of," said Everly. "There was a big God-war or whatever and then a bunch of necromancers ran wild and tried to take over. It didn't sound relevant to my interests, so I didn't pay much attention."

"Fair enough," said Max.

"Wow, so I can get stronger by killing people, huh?" Everly said thoughtfully.

"You seriously didn't even know that much?" Max asked in astonishment. "Wait, are you telling me you've just been running around picking fights with everyone and everything, and assuming you'll win without so much as knowing your own level?"

"Eh, pretty much," Everly said with a shrug.

"Damn, kid," Max said with a whistle. "I bet they'd hate you down in Florida."

"Why Florida?" she asked cautiously.

"Because you're a girl with balls," Max chortled.

When Everly didn't say anything for several long moments, Max said, "See, the state government in Florida is really hostile to transgender people—"

"Stop explaining your jokes, Max," Everly told him.

"Okay, okay, yeesh," he said.

"I'm serious. You keep it up and I really might kill you," said Everly venomously.

"All right!" he said. "Man, and I thought I had a tendency to fly off the handle. You know because I'm an axe? That's an axe joke by the way—"

"MAX!" she yelled angrily.

"Sorry, Everly. I have some bad habits," he said insincerely.

"Well, break them," she said.

"Will do!" he said. "I'll chop through them like they're dried wood. You know because—"

"Don't," Everly said as she raised a warning finger.

Max's smile froze into place but quickly became strained as he struggled to keep himself from speaking. Finally, despite his mighty efforts, he quickly said, "Because I'm an aaaaaxe—AGH!"

He cried out in pain as Everly punched him in the face as hard as she could.

"Let's just get out of here," she said a few minutes later after his skull finished regenerating.

"Hey, hold on," he said after popping his neck back into place and regrowing his teeth.

"What now?" she asked impatiently.

"I just assessed you," he said as he approached her. "Heh, what the hell did you do to yourself? Your guts and what not are all twisted the fuck up."

"I'm not following," she said. "Do I really have to remind you that this isn't my real body?"

"And do I have to remind you that it's still a representative of your real body, dummy? It bears the same scars that you do in reality. And trust me when I say it's screwed up! Your mana pathways and your chi meridians—"

"Harada," she said, correcting him. "It's harada, not chi. I'm not a weeb."

"Well, whatever you want to call it, I'm fucking amazed you haven't exploded or something."

"Exploded?" she asked.

"Uhhhh, how do I put this?" Max said. "Your body is somehow supercharged. But it's out of balance. Hell, it's waaaay the fuck out of whack! Jesus, you could detonate at any minute! No, any second! Hahaha! Your being alive must be that ridiculous luck stat at play."

"I'm sick?" she asked in surprise. "That can't be right, I've never felt better in my life."

"A lot of long-distance runners probably thought the same thing before dropping dead on their feet, kid," Max said. "As far as I can tell with this insightful eye of mine, you're drawing in three different sources of power. Elemental, Divine, and honkey tonk—"

"Harada," she said impatiently.

"Whatever," he shrugged. "The elemental and divine sources are huge, but your…harada is all twisted up and nasty. It's like someone tried to forcefully expand it without taking into account that it grows naturally on its own. Did someone experiment on you?"

"Nooo," lied Everly who'd done it to herself in a fit of jealousy over Carter having greater reserves of harada. "Maybe?"

"Well, whoever it was, they were an idiot," Max smirked. "Come here."

He stepped close to Everly and placed both hands on her shoulders. Before Everly could ask him what he was doing this time, she gasped as she felt something sharp piercing her on either side.

"This is a skill of mine called [Rooting]," Max explained. "I'm sending a few tendrils from my body to your meridian points to gently unwind and unclog them. By the way, this is really gonna hurt."

"But it'll be good for me?" asked Everly.

"Yeah, sure, probably," Max said indifferently. "I just like focusing on the fun part."

"Asshole," she said.

"Shut up, you love me," he grinned.

As Max promised, the restoration of her meridian points caused her considerable pain. But because they were standing face-to-face as he worked, she refused to show any discomfort or weakness, which only caused his smirk to intensify.

When he was finished, Max pulled his hands away, letting the tendrils retract back into his flesh. "How's that feel?" he asked her.

Everly closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she reached for harada. But as she felt it beginning to rise within her, she found herself dropping to her hands and knees, vomiting. A hideous black and red intermix that started sizzling when it made contact with the ground, began bubbling from her lips.

"Awww, sick!" Max laughed. "You're nasty, Everly."

"What the hell did you do to me?" she rasped as she wiped her mouth.

"Nothing! I told you; your guts were twisted up!" said Max. "This is what your body was producing. It's like toxic elemental waste. God, even my [Appraisal] skill is having some trouble identifying all the crap in it! It's all negative energy! Well, that explains why your elementals were forced into hibernation."

"How?" Everly asked as Max helped her rise to her unsteady feet.

"Because you were poisoning them!" Max chortled. "Thank about it; They're beings of thought and energy. And you were filled up with all this gunk without even realizing it. Being around you would have been like giving a baby a pacifier made from lead. That title on your status screen is right, you are a bad friend, Everly."

"Shut up," Everly said. "Just fucking drop it."

"Yeah, okay," Max said. "You being the boss and all."

Everly ignored him and took a step towards the gateway, ready to finally depart that place. To her dismay, she stumbled and fel flat on her face.

"Damn it," she muttered.

"Don't be in such a rush," Max advised. "You need time to recover from our little impromptu surgical session. Realigning your precious innards isn't something you can just walk off, y'know."

"I'll just heal myself then," Everly said stubbornly.

"How? We can't use healing magic in the abyss," he said.

"I'm not staying here another minute, Max!" she yelled.

Max stood staring at her for a short while. Then he rolled his eyes in exasperation and said, "Fiiiine. Man, you're kind of a handful yourself, do you know that, brat?"

To Everly's surprise, he then knelt to scoop her effortlessly into his arms. Then he walked with her through the gateway. And just like that, they were in another place, far from the temple that had been his prison.

"Home for the weekend at last!" he snickered.

Everly found herself blushing at her circumstances. She'd never been the object of a bridal carry before.

It was kind of nice.

"You're stronger than you look," she finally said after a few minutes had passed.

"Good thing I am since you're pretty damn heavy," he replied with a wry grin.

Asshole, she thought.

"Asshole," she said.

"I was just joking!" he replied. "Here, I'll put on some tunes."

Around them the air soon filled with the sounds of contemporary pop music that stayed with them as he walked. "How are you doing that?" she asked him.

"It's just telepathy," he said. "I can remember every little scrap of music I ever heard. By projecting it, it's the same as listening to a radio."

"Nice," Everly said appreciatively.

"Got anything in particular you want to hear?" he asked.

"Do you know Laid?" she asked him.

"Oh, how forward of you!" he said. "But if you insist…"

"The song, stupid," she said. "It's an oldie but a goodie. I love it."

"Hmm, remind me of it. Give me a lyric," he said.

"This bed is on fire, with passionate love!" Everly immediately sang. "The neighbors complain about the voices above!"

"But she only comes when she's on top!" Max cut in with another smirk. "Heh, yeah, I know that one. Give me one second."

Soon the sound of the song enveloped them both and Everly found herself bobbing her head happily to the tune. They both sang along to it in a charmingly offkey melody as they made their way further down the unknown road they walked.

When it was over, Max said, "Yeah, that song is a banger. I haven't listened to it in years. Who sang it again?"

"Uh, only my favorite English alt-pop act from the nineties," Everly said.

"Oasis?" Max asked.

"Bite your tongue!" she said with mock outrage. "Haven't you ever heard of James?"