The broken blade. (5)

Yin Long's face felt strained. The corners of his mouth twitched due to the smile he forced onto his face, a numb sensation slowly creeping up his cheeks. But he endured it, he kept smiling even if his eyes couldn't match his lips. Reflected in his eyes was the one who would use her own hands to put a smile on his face if he couldn't do it. It was because he was looking at her that he could endure his strained smile. After all, her own smile was flimsier than his, it looked as if it could shatter should it be touched by even the gentlest breeze.

She asked him to smile. She made him smile because he couldn't. But she could not smile herself.

So Yin Long smiled. His face hurt because he didn't want to smile. His head felt heavy and muddy thanks to the foreign memories that were still swirling in his mind. His stomach churned and his chest burned thanks to the lingering emotions that came with the memories. His own identity would even feel hazy if he let his guard down and focused too much on the new memories he took from Puisha.

But even so, he smiled. It was ugly and fragile, a hollow shell at best, but he smiled. Just as she asked, he smiled. He smiled for those they'd meet in the future, he smiled for those who suffered, he smiled for himself, but above all, he smiled for her. For the one who could no longer smile herself.

"My, my, my, what's this?"

A voice rose up from the ground as Yin Long knelt there, the now-empty earthen bed at his side crumbling as it returned to the dirt. The faceless humanoid shape rose from the darkness where the bed used to be, its mid-section tilted forward so that the being could lean over Yin Long. It only had two empty holes for eyes, but Yin Long could practically feel them dig into him as the being leaned down so much that it was virtually breathing down his neck.

"My, my, my, did I not specify to not disturb the resting?"

It had no face so it could not make any expressions, but if it could then Yin Long felt like he would see a warped smile there. Cheeks would twitch as it tried to maintain its expression, its eyes flickering between probably a mixture of anger and confusion. Yes, he could see it as clear as day, the seemingly empty voice betrayed all of its intentions, at least that was what it felt like to Yin Long as his mind wandered. But before his mind could wander further, just the initial wandering being a rarity for him, the voice belonging to the warmth that surrounded him dragged him back to the present.

"You don't need to listen to him, Young Master. Giving peace and comfort to the suffering is not disturbing, it is kindness."

A soft sensation greeted Yin Long as the voice slipped into his ears, a scent drawn directly from his memories tickling his nose as Lan Yun held him close. He wanted to just close his eyes and allow his mind to sink into the darkness while he was surrounded by that familiar warmth and scent. He felt tired, weary. Was it because of his own experiences or was it due to the memories he was currently digesting, the suffering he had taken on? He couldn't tell, he was just tired.

But there was no rest to be gotten here, both because this was not the place for it and because he would not allow himself to get some here, there was still so much he had to do. He took another breath of the familiar scent, tickling his own memories while pushing aside those belonging to Puisha. He pulled back slightly, just enough for the faceless beings empty eyes to once again dig into his neck. Its gaze still lingered on him, but as it spoke it was clear that, for once, it wasn't talking to him.

"A thing like you has no right to speak of kindness and peace, so it is best if you hold your tongue lest the wind splits it. The deathless do not need death, and those with desires to give do not deserve it. To give it to either of them is disturbing, it is unnatural."

The latter half of its sentence seemed to be directed at him again, the humanoid entity returning to ignoring Lan Yun's existence. The expression it couldn't wear due to its empty face seemed all the more strained now, at least that's what it sounded like to Yin Long. Perhaps… it was confused at this scene, perhaps it had never encountered something like this before so it didn't know what to do.

Those who were put here were those who had already died in the Netherworld, they had gotten a second chance at something resembling life and then lost it. Now, all that was left for them was to lay around, never rotting, never moving, simply stagnating until every last one of their desires melted away and became fertilizer for the Netherworld. That was their role, only those who fulfilled it were allowed the final rest and reincarnation, that was simply the natural order of this hell.

But Yin Long had disturbed that natural order. He had used his law of Yin and given death to the deathless, he had taken on the suffering of the resting. But was that what startled the shade like this, a simple violation of the natural order? No. As Yin Long took in the familiar scent and used it to reclaim himself, forced away some of his weariness, he got the chance to think a bit clearer.

Desires. Those who rested here would do so until they had no more desires to give, the Netherworld only cared for their desires and nothing else. So why had this one faded away when Yin Long only took on their suffering? There should be several other desires left in them, like the desire to live or breathe or procreate, Yin Long had only taken the pain and nothing else after all. But even so, they had been released from this place. They had more to give, but they slipped from the grasp of the land that should receive it all. That, that was probably why the shade was so startled.

He held onto Lan Yun's shoulders and used them as support to stand up, his legs quivering softly beneath him. His entire body felt weak, his knees felt as if they would buckle beneath him if he tried to stand straight. Now that he was removed from the familiar scent, the memories he had been pushing away returned to gnaw at him. The pain of getting cut, the pain of your stomach screaming at you while you could do nothing but lay there, the pain of your throat cracking because of how dry it was. Puisha had given him many memories, but nearly all of them screamed of pain.

"Young Master, you look like you're about to fall over. And your smile looks really forced, more forced than when I pry open your mouth with my fingers, you're really going to have to work on it."

Lan Yun stood up alongside Yin Long, allowing him to keep using her as a support so that he could keep standing. She completely disregarded the shade at their side, Yin Long was already doing the same so there was no way she would bother with it, especially when it didn't seem like it could say anything sensible. And while she did technically mock him, her gaze was softer than silk as she looked at him and continued.

"But honestly, you look more dashing than ever before, Young Master. So don't listen to that worthless thing there, you are being kind, you are saving them, you are being you. So even if it's that forced smile you're showing right now, just keep smiling and being kind. In that way, we'll be able to make up for our past mistakes, don't you think?"

Her hand brushed against the side of his face as she comforted him, gently urged him on.How many people cried for them when they died? How many people rushed to their aid when the Province Emperor attacked? Would things have been different if they did things differently? Yin Long couldn't help but wonder. The whispers that so gently snuck into his ears and soul made it so that he had no choice but to question it. If he just thought a bit more in the past and acted slightly differently, would his friends and family still be alive?

He didn't know, he couldn't know. All he could do was his best, and right now this Lan Yun was pointing him towards a way to do his best. So he took it, because he wanted ease his own guilt, because he wanted to let this girl who could no longer smile for herself smile like she always did in his memories.

He gathered his strength and raised his leg, stepping forward and past Lan Yun. She quickly stuck close to keep pace with him, she could probably tell that his stomach was churning with each step. But he didn't lean on her as he walked, quickly arriving in front of another earthen bed. Just as it was with the others, an unfortunate man was lying on this earthen bed. His right arm was torn off and his entire lower jaw seemed to have been chewed off until even his windpipe and throat were revealed. But even so, his eyes were open, fully conscious of the surrounding world. He had desires so he was among the deathless, he had more to give so he didn't deserve death.

The faceless shade quietly followed Yin Long as he moved, but other than talking it didn't actually do anything to stop him. It originally introduced itself as just a remnant so there was a good chance that it didn't actually have much strength, and seeing as it wasn't moving to stop him then there was a good chance that this train of thought was relatively close to the truth. Whatever the case was, Yin Long would just do what he did, that was how he always lived and that was how he was going to keep living, it would just be that he would change exactly what he did from now on.

The one-armed man was looking at Yin Long, who returned the gaze, a pair of despairing eyes meeting a forced smile. His legs bent until his knees touched the cold ground, their eyes now at the same height. Yin Long's arm slowly rose, his stomach and brain twisting as they tried to revolt and dissuade him. But the soft and warm hand that rested on his shoulder, that oh-so familiar touch, meant more to him than either of those two small things. So he laid his hand on the shoulder of the one-armed man, squeezing his words out through his forced smile.

"Your suffering, would you like to share it?"

Did Yin Long want to save these people from their suffering? Did he want to smile for them? If he had to answer then he would have to say no, he personally didn't care much. But Lan Yun did. She wanted to smile for them but couldn't, she wanted their lives to be better. And so, Yin Long moved. He'd save those he didn't care about, he'd take on the pain that had nothing to do with him. If he kept doing that, perhaps he would be able to see Lan Yun smile like she was supposed to, perhaps there might even come a day where he started to enjoy and see worth in this task. But before that day came, there was this room filled with suffering people, the deathless that would get death. And for them, Yin Long spoke a prayer he didn't believe in.

"Visrama."

———

Different people lived different lives and experienced things differently, it was nigh-on impossible for two people to understand and feel something in the same way, everything was tinged by the various flavours brought about by the other aspects of their lives.

To Dao She Jui, the taste of earth on his tongue and the feeling of sand between his teeth was extremely unpleasant, a horrible memory. But he had no choice but to endure it, there was nothing else to eat in his village so he had to make do. The earth next to the river was best, the water contained some salt so if he dug up the earth and mixed it with some water, he could dry the resulting mud into a hard cake to eat. But he couldn't eat it normally, no, it had dried in the sun for almost half a day so it was too hard for that. He had to scrape it with his teeth and lick it to soften it, that way he could also make it last longer. It was disgusting at first, but as the days wore on the taste grew on him. Day in and day out, mud cakes and some boiled bark soup made from the same salty river water. Those were the tastes he was most familiar with, and they were the last tastes he would ever remember in his life.

To Puisha, starvation was the empty and cold pain she felt as she lay there helplessly in the Netherworld. But to Dao She Jui, starvation was the salty taste of earth and the pain of sand getting stuck between your teeth.

To Puisha, life was a blunt pain of repeated strikes and stabs. To Dao She Jui, life was a slow and seeping pain, the inevitable whithering of a helpless child. To Kong Hui Jo, life was a fast and blazing pain, of nerves getting fried as skin crackled and flesh cooked, of blood boiling and bursting bloodvessels. To Hao Han, life was a desperate pain of drinking salty seawater until your insides were pickled, simply because there was nothing else to drink.

To Yue Yang, life was a gut wrenching pain, a stomach twisting with every bite as you thought about where the meat you were eating came from. The neighbours had just lost their child to the famine and you had lost yours, but neither family could do what they knew they needed. So they just switched instead, they closed their eyes and switched, hoping it would ease the pain. But that pain, the churning as she ground her teeth against the dried flesh, to Yue Yang it was something that could never be eased.

To Qing Yao She, life was a series of blunt pains, subdued cracking as bones splintered. To Qui Shin, life was a searing pain, blades carving across skins in intricate patterns as they created art. To Rong Daore, life was a nauseating pain, a leg severed in the cold winter when his family had already used up the paltry savings of grain they had managed to scrounge up after the last drought. To Qing Shi Ya, life was a hollow and wet pain, a child's tears landing on her face as they cried for her to wake up, only for her to waste away as the hunger finally got the best of her.

And to Yin Long, life was now an endless mixture of pain, the suffering and misery of hundreds compounding into one man's pain, and their salvation.