He's Back

No specific word can describe how I feel. Just like jumping on a cliff not knowing how I will fall. The suspense and anxiety kicked in. I tried to compose myself to calm my nerves. Inhale. Exhale.

After four years, finally, Joaquin is here. I smiled imagining his expression the first time we meet again. Does he still have those deep, dark eyes that can make my heart pound so hard? Will I still feel captivated at his gaze? Or will the spark be gone?

"Dad, matagal pa ba?" I asked while stretching my neck. Kulang na lang ay salubungin ko sila. Halata ang pangungulila sa aking mga mata. Nakailang tanong na ako sa kaniya sa loob ng ilang minuto, pero pakiramdam ko ang bagal ng oras. Hindi ko na ata kakayaning maghintay pa.

"You can't wait, Lilliana?" he chuckled. "Patience, my dear." Nakakapanibago man pero hindi suot ni dad ang kaniyang uniporme ngayon. Hindi rin niya inabisuhan ang mga opisyal. Today, he's just like the normal parents around us, trying so hard to camoflauge. Ganoon pa man, hindi pa rin maitatago ng sibilyang damit ang kaniyang tindig. He's a general, a dangerous man, and a true Severino.

Maya-maya lang ay narinig ko na ang banda. Ito ang hudyat na parating na ang mga magtatapos ngayong araw na ito. They will be marching towards the grandstand to receive the glory that they deserve. I held my breathe and scan the crowd. Every step they take exudes pride and intelligence. With the beating of the drum comes these men, honed under pressure. They are part of the long blue line.

Pare-pareho man ang gupit, mabilis ko pa ring namataan si Joaquin. Even amidst the crowd, his presence stand out. A sour feeling rises inside of me. Finally, the long wait is over. I can't wait to be enveloped by his warmth.

For a split second, his stern eyes held mine. Para akong hinahaplos sa kung saan. Nag-aapoy na ang kapaligiran. Nilakasan ko ang loob at nginitian siya. "I am proud of you." I mouthed, hoping and praying he'll understand. Hindi ako binigo ni Joaquin. He smirked and squinted, acknowledging me.

I saw my diko and waved at him. The two of them graduated with flying colors. Nauna na si kuyang nakapagtapos noong nakaraang buwan. He's already assigned in Mindanao.

Today is their graduation. Diko and Joaquin graduated as the top of the class. Just another standard raised high for the Severinos. As if them graduating isn't enough. Clenching my hands, I yearn for my future. Good thing I caught myself before sinking into anxiety on rushing things.You're still young and you have your own timeline. Slow down, Lilliana. Paalala ko sa sarili.

Matapos ay dali-dali kaming nilapitan ni diko. He looked so tanned and healthy. Gone are the traces of his youth. What we've got is a king in the jungle in return. Pasimple akong tumakas papunta sa lalaking sabik akong mahagkan.

"Congratulations Joaquin." I grinned, not caring how silly I look with the curls around my face. I jogged to him, not minding the people around.

He pulled me into his hug. Warmth spread through me. I shiver as I bury myself in his arms. "Hello, Lilliana." his deep voice melts me. "You are here."

"Shouldn't I be?" silip ko. He pinched my chin and inched closer. I wanted to hide but his grip stopped me. A feather light kiss landed on the corner of my lips. I gripped his arms hard.

"Sino pa ba ang pupunta kung hindi ikaw?" I saw his mom and dad coming. Ngumuso ako sa direksyon nila. Kumalas siya ng kaunti at tinguan lamang ang mga ito. They smiled at me. I guess they already knew.

Early twenties, a stage in life wherein you're so determined to prove you can make it. Many are lost following the crowd not knowing that there's no predetermined road to success. You are who you are. Not what the influencers say, not what those public figures promote and certainly not what your relatives dictate. Different paths, different choices. But what I know is, since young, being a soldier is what I want. Nakatatak na ito sa aking puso at isipan.

"Aren't you rushing things Lilliana?" tanong ni diko ng makita ang mga papel na nakakalat sa aking kama. Those are the documents needed to be filed if I want to be enlisted.

I squinted my eyes at him. "We're the same age noong nag-apply ka noon. Ang pinagkaiba lang, you applied for the academy. Ako for one year lang." I stated as a matter of fact.

"I know that. Pero nag-uumpisa pa lang ang business mo diba?" I groaned inside. Alam ko namang normal ang hindi agad kumita sa early stage ng business but my funds are almost depleted. Paano kung hindi ko mabawi ang mga nagastos ko? Is it worth the risk?

"You know what I trully want, diko." mahinang sabi ko. Hindi kayang aminin na natatalo na ako at nagsisimulang mawalan ng pag-asa. I bit my lip and stopped a tear from falling.

"Nakakaisang taon ka pa lang. Susuko ka na ba?" I flinched as he revealed the truth. "What's wrong? Is there something I can help you with?" pagak na tawa ang umalingawngaw sa aking kwarto.

"It's a lingerie business. Do you want to be a model and promote it?" I smiled as I tease him. Gumaan kahit paano ang pakiramdam ko. Malayo sa kaninang magulong pag-iisip.

"Get out." sabay tawa. "Chill with your friends. Masyado ka lang nagpapadala sa pressure. Remember to do it your best. We, the Severinos are your backers." I tiptoed and kissed him on the cheek, shooing him away.

Maybe diko is right. I was under pressure. All of them seem to have finally stabilized their future while doing what they want. Theirs is a life worth living. Then what about me? Kaya siguro tila atat na rin akong magtagumpay.

Feeling drained, I searched for my human charger. He's at home after months of duty. I left Woofy. It's not that I'm jealous. Lagi kasing inaagaw ang atensyon ni Joaquin tuwing magkasama kami. At times like this, I want him all on my own. I'm not even willing to share him to our pet.

My body lighted up upon spotting him. Kumaripas ako patungo sa kaniya. I felt all my worries disappear. Si Joaquin lang pala ang magpapakalma sa puso at isip kong gulong gulo na.

"Here's my favorite Severino." he smirked, teasing me. I playfully pinched his toned abs. Mine. Paalala ko sa sarili. All mine. No one can take this away from me. I licked my lips.

"Aba, dapat lang naman." seeing that he's alone, I guessed that he chased his people back to Palawan. Paminsan-minsan na lang kasi siya nauuwi dito. Lalo na ngayon at madalas ay kung saan saan sila napupunta. But I never know the details. Hindi ko na rin tinatanong at naiintindihan ko naman dahil ganito rin sila kuya. We never know what exactly they are doing. All we know is they do not for the country, but for its citizen. Ina-update lang sa tuwing matatapos ang misyon nila.

"Are you free these days?" he pulled my body to him. Spreading his warmth, filling my heart. Naalala ko ang mga papel na nakakalat sa aking working area. Ang mga disenyo na hindi ko pa nagagawa. I'm running out of ideas to keep my business afloat.

I bit my lip and nodded. I'm trying so hard to appear happy and composed. "Yeah. What's the plan?" I sighed inside. Maybe I should let it go? Katatapos lang ng pep talk sa akin ni diko kanina pero heto na naman ako at nawawalan ng lakas ng loob.

He pinched my chin and faced me to him. Ang matatalim niyang mata ay nakatingin sa akin. Tila binabasa ang kung anong nasa isipan ko. Kinabahan ako ng magtagal ang titig niya. "I'm your man." mabagal na sabi niya. Awtomatikong napataas ang gilid ng aking mga labi. "You're troubled, Lilliana. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi mo masabi sa akin." I froze then I tried to relax my self. I should have known this would happen. I'm not good at lying anyway.

Umiling ako at ngumiti sa kaniya. "I can never hide anything huh? I'm still fine, Joaquin. Kaya ko pa naman." sa tingin ko, dagdag ko sa sarili. "If, and only if I'm doomed, then I'll run to you." tumango ako sa sarili dahil nagustuhan ang solusyong ito.

"As a last resort?" tipid na sabi niya. Tila hindi sang-ayon sa tinuran ko. "Maybe I can help you now."

"No. You're my trump card." mabilis na tutol ko. Ipinulupot ko ang aking kamay sa kaniyang leeg at ngumiti ng nakakaloko. I kissed the corner of his lips that earned his signature smirk. Every kiss with him feels like my first. Siguro ay dahil matagal na simula noong huling nahagkan ko siya.

We hugged for a long time before separating. He's my drug. One that keeps me going, brings me joy and comfort making me high.