Chapter 16

Being here these last few days was hard, not because I didn't feel safe but because I did. I felt completely unthreatened by this intense coven of vampires and that was hard, I don't know what to do, where to put my hands, or even how to breathe. Breathing around vampires can be like eating in front of someone who isn't- awkward. I keep second-guessing everything, wondering if I breathe loud or weird and knowing every twitch of my hand is unnervingly noticed by him. Jasper doesn't stop looking at me for any long length of time, he may glance away from time to time but his eyes always find their way back. This would be creepy...if his eyes saw the same thing creeps do. Creeps see an object, a toy, Jasper sees something else in me, something confusing. I see him shake his head over and over at his siblings. Edward, though only briefly visiting each day, whispers something to him and every time Jasper brushes him off. They all hunt at different times now, Jasper no longer joins the hunting party, he always goes alone now. He stays with me, though we don't talk often, we watch movies, he'll cook for me and introduce me to different and new things. There is always the odd joke here and there but neither of us brought up our previous conversations, every topic is kept light as a feather.

Today is one such day, they have been hunting more regularly with me as a constant resident. Jasper stays behind again, it's to the point where no one asks him to go. He always hunts once everyone has returned. I could logic it away, knowing they don't want to leave me alone in my situation but I can't bring myself to believe that, even if there is no reason to doubt it.

"What would you like to do today?" Every time jasper asks this, it feels like both a challenge and a greeting. It's like he isn't with me until we are alone; it's like he wants me to ask him, to challenge this, but at the same time dreads the day I do. That one question tells both of us what our time alone together will look like, it's like the first chapter in a book. It's groundwork, it's set up and development before everything hits the fan for the main characters. Every time he asks it, he's really asking if today is that day. The day I ask questions that I don't think he even has answers too, that is the intensity that rolls in closer with every day spent alone. He's letting me set the pace of it all, what we do and when if our conversation is serious or light if we speak at all.

"I have some...questions... 'bout you." and me. I wait for his facial expression to change but when it doesn't I let out a breath of air.

"Of course, though you might not like the answer... I know we've talked about some of the basics of my life but there is much more to it. I worry that it will bring back traumatic memories for you and that you will come to hate me. That said, ask me anything."

His face was like it had never been, it was dark. He always looked so stoic, I thought it was impossible for his face to hold these shadows. His composure broke during his carefully selected warning. I clench my teeth once, a form of a promise I've learned to make, that I won't let anything he tells me to drive me to hate him.

"I think I can manage," start off slow, "how were you turned?"

" A girl named Maria turned me, I was a general in the confederate army..." He looks at me, almost like he was checking my reaction despite being able to feel that I was not appalled. " As a boy, all I knew was division and war, what was right and wrong were not really up to me. Due to where I lived, no matter how empathetic I may have been, I was expected to fight for the south. Denying the status quo back then could lead to death, my parents had expected my involvement in the war as a young and able-bodied man so I enlisted. I don't remember much detail but I had a journal I kept during my years as a soldier that I keep still, a momento of my human years if you will. I was a great fighter, I hadn't known until then. I put everything I had into training. I know I was considered to be passionate about the south but in truth, I was so disgusted by my own silence, by watching the ignorance, that I became very very skilled. I rose up the ranks when Marie found me. As a vampire, I was created for such a purpose as war. Maria was creating an army...I could feel everyone's emotions and control them at will...I theorize that, given what I know of my human life, that I was very emotionally connected to those around me, I was constantly in the crosshairs of two races in a brutal time. I cared for the slaves, I knew them by name, if they had one that is, and felt deeply for them and their horrible treatment. Yet, at the same time, I was white, my family owned slaves and I couldn't bear to see my family as evil along with everyone I was allowed to know. I was constantly torn between knowing my place in society and wanting to right a wrong when it felt I was the only one to see it. I believe this is was allowed me to have my ability and Maria loved seeking and turning those with potential abilities. I was a strong asset, I...killed a lot of vampires for her. I felt their emotions and it was sickening...I did this for a long time Konaka. I was miserable but I did not deserve to feel miserable because they could no longer feel...I hated it. I have many stories from this time but they are...irrelevant at the moment. I left after a while. I wondered. I was once again in the crosshairs, I hated hunting people, I could feel everything they felt and the guilt was crushing but every vampire I had come across didn't understand my disgust. Eventually, I found Carlisle and I was home, I was able to learn, though it took a considerably long time. I spent so many years feeding off of human blood that switching was very challenging so late in the game, as one might say. But I am controlled now, very capable of handling my thirst. So that is...how I came to be."

I smiled at him, his story is sad for so long but the way he beams when speaking of meeting the Dr. is astounding and beautiful. He had a happy ending despite all those years of torment. He may have thought his story traumatic but honestly, it feels inspiring, hopeful even. If his story can end well, anyone has a shot at happiness- even me. His eyes are intensely looking at me, I know he can feel the positivity spreading through me, hear my heartbeat loud and irregular. He's so close to me, well actually he is his normal distance away, a few feet, but right now after feeling like I can see all of his scars for the beauty marks they are...he feels close. It's like nothing I've ever known.

"Take me for a walk?" I suggest, knowing my voice is odd. He smiles beautifully at me, amusingly almost before extending his elbow to me. I take it and he directs our movement.

"What's so funny?" I ask breathlessly and with heat pounding behind my ears.

"This feeling we now share...it's a bond, trust, you didn't say anything but I can feel that you understand me... it's like meeting Carlisle all over again...but different in a way I...don't understand. And I'm not even sure if those are your strange emotions or mine...I feel lost when I'm with you but in a good way, a strange new way. I don't know why it's so euphoric to me."

I let this sink in and I like the idea of sharing with him. I smile too and it's like we are in our own world together, amused and laughing at both nothing and everything.