59. Chapter 59

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Despite Kate's intelligence, Erin and Jay were not fully confident that she understood exactly what had happened to her mother. After bidding Hank goodnight, Erin and Jay sat with Kate on the couch to explain events of the past day. The little girl was mostly quiet, listening intently to what her parents were saying. At the end of the conversation, she just held fast to Erin, trying to provide as much comfort as the little girl could. When they asked her if she had any questions, Kate just shook her head and continued to hold her mother gently, as if letting go would allow her to disappear into thin air.

Over the next few days, the was a marked shift in the demeanor of their household. Kate appeared slightly more nervous around her parents, quiet and more withdrawn than she had been before the miscarriage. All things considered, Erin was doing relatively okay. All she wanted was for things to get back to normal, a normal they hadn't been able to have in weeks due to the never-ending onslaught of drama.

Kate let out a yawn for the fifth time in as many minutes, "Tired, huh, kiddo?" Jay asked, glancing into the rear view mirror before pulling into the parking garage. "Are you excited to be back at school?"

She shrugged and yawned again as Jay put the car into park. "Mommy's at home?"

"Yep," Jay nodded, unbuckling the little girl from her car seat and placing her on the ground before taking her backpack off the floor, "Doctor Manning thought it would be good for Mommy to take it easy, so Grandpa Hank sent her home for a nap at lunch time."

"She's okay?" Kate looked up at her father, alarmed, "Mommy's not hurt, right?"

"Nope, totally fine," Jay assured her, taking her hand as they crossed the parking garage to the elevator, "And I think she did some cooking too, but she didn't tell me what she was making."

Kate was quiet as they rode the elevator to the third floor. "Hey babe, we're home," Jay called out, helping Kate take her coat off and hang it on the hook, "Smells amazing in here."

"I made chicken parm," Erin peered around the corner from the kitchen, "From scratch."

"No way," Jay broke out into a huge smile, "You made my one of my favorite meals?"

"Mm-hm," Erin crossed the entry way to press a kiss to her partner's lips, "How was your afternoon?"

"Uneventful," Jay informed her, wiping a stray streak of tomato sauce from her cheek, "I'm starving though."

"For something new and different," Erin rolled her eyes, "Hi baby, did you have a good day at school?"

"Uh-huh," Kate nodded, gingerly hugging her mother when Erin sank down to her level, "And I got to play with Goose while Daddy was workin'."

"Wow, that sounds like fun." Erin stood, "You wanna wash your hands, and then we can have some dinner?"

Kate nodded again and stifled a yawn before heading toward the bathroom. Erin raised her eyebrows, "She's exhausted."

Jay nodded in agreement, "She almost fell asleep in the car and has yawned more times than I can count."

"Well, it was her first day back in a week. And Platt texted me this picture." Erin held out her cell phone to Jay, showing a picture of Kate sitting beside Goose, the police dog, reading from a picture book.

Jay smiled and reached into the cupboard to set the table, "Well, she's been sleeping through the night for the past few days." He paused, "Maybe she's getting sick?"

"God, I hope not," Erin took the plates from his hands and placed them on the kitchen table, "She's just getting healthy again and she's finally back at school."

Kate emerged from the bathroom and settled into her seat at the table. "You hungry, baby?" Erin asked, sliding a piece of chicken parmesan onto the child's plate, "I know you had a busy day."

She nodded and gave a small smile as Jay helped himself to a large piece of chicken. "You know chicken parm is one of my favorite foods," he wiggled his eyebrows at his daughter, "I could eat it seven days a week."

"It's very yummy," Kate agreed, "I like it!"

"It's amazing," Jay agreed, mouth full of mozzarella and chicken, "Great job, babe."

"Okay, kiddo, I think it's time for bed," Jay stroked Kate's arm as she sat in his lap, Erin having just finished reading the third story of the evening, "It's getting late and you're exhausted."

"I'm not tired," Kate replied quickly, widening her eyes to prove a point, "I-I don't wanna go to sleep."

"I know, but you've got school in the morning, and Daddy and I have work," Erin tucked some of Kate's hair behind her small ears, "We could all use a good night's rest."

Kate frowned but nodded. She wasn't the type of child to put up a fight, so she climbed off of Jay's lap and silently headed for the bathroom to brush her teeth. "Something's up," Erin determined, looking at Jay pointedly, "Did she say anything to you?"

Jay shook his head and got to his feet, "No, she's just been tired. But she's been sleeping through the night."

"Maybe we're not hearing her?" Erin glanced over Jay's shoulder to see if her little girl was emerging from the bathroom yet.

"The monitor is right by my head," Jay insisted, "She's been sleeping soundly. And when I checked on her last night, she was asleep."

Erin furrowed her brow and headed for Kate's bedroom. "Jay," she called, "Come here."

"What is it?" He leaned against the door frame to his daughter's room. Everything was in its place, from the legos in their bin to the stuffed animals lined on her bed. "She's not hiding drugs or anything right? She's too young for that."

"No, babe, she unplugged the monitor," Erin hissed so Kate wouldn't hear them, holding up the baby monitor that usually sat on Kate's bedside, "That's why we haven't heard her for the past three days."

Jay raised his eyebrows in surprise. The fact that his child was so smart that she knew to unplug the baby monitor so that her parents wouldn't hear her having nightmares simultaneously broke his heart and impressed him. "Oh, kiddo," he murmured, "So she hasn't been sleeping."

Erin nodded sadly, "I-I think it's because of me. She said the other day that she didn't want us to worry about her, and this is why. Oh, god…"

"Babe, she's going to be fine. We'll talk to her." Jay pulled Erin close to him. She rested her head on his shoulder before pulling back worriedly.

"She's been in the bathroom for a while," Erin said quickly, turning for the living room. "Kate, baby, are you ready for bed?"

The little girl emerged from the bathroom, dark circles standing out from underneath her tired hazel eyes. "Uh-huh," she mumbled, climbing onto her bed and under the covers.

"Sweetheart, you know that you can come to us for anything, right?" Erin sat down on the edge of Kate's bed, smoothing out the comforter with one hand, "If you're feeling scared, or worried, or having a nightmare, you can come get Daddy or I, you know that."

Kate nodded solemnly, biting down on her lip harshly. "And you can always be honest with us," Jay added, "We don't want you to be upset by yourself, okay?"

She nodded again, mouth still clamped shut. "Are you upset with us, baby?" Erin asked gently, "Did we do something? You're not acting like yourself."

Kate shook her head, biting down hard enough on her lip to draw blood.

"Okay, what do you think we should get for cereal?" Jay glanced down at the little girl who was holding his hand stringently, "What about some Coco Puffs?"

Kate looked up at her father in surprise. "But Erin said we gotta get Cheerios. And the crunchy one."

"Ah, yes, granola, you're right." He beamed at his daughter, pulling the box of Erin's favorite granola from the grocery store shelf, "So Cheerios it is. You sure you don't want any of the fun cereal?"

Jay had been tasked with taking Kate to the grocery store to fetch some of the essentials while Erin met up with a CI. The little girl had made them a family three weeks prior and will still warming up to spending time with just Jay. Kate's horrific experience with other men left both physical and emotional scars, as she visibly tensed up the first time Erin had left her alone with her father. Kate was more comfortable with Erin, one of the first positive female role models she ever had.

This was Jay's first time alone with the little girl, with Erin more than a few yards away. He loved spending time with his daughter, getting to know her personality, her likes and her dislikes. While Kate had initially been skeptical that Erin wouldn't be joining them at the grocery store, she seemed to slowly be warming up to the idea as they strolled through the aisles.

Kate gave a small smile, exposing her tiny teeth, "Erin told you dat those are too shug-ry for breakfast." Kate's eyes twinkled knowingly, "She said she was trustin' you to make good judge-mint."

Jay chuckled, "Well, I think good judgment would be getting this." He plucked a package of assorted sugary cereals, each one different. "We can try them, but that way if we don't like them, we won't waste too much, what do you think?"

She looked at the boxes and back up to Jay, "Erin not gonna be mad?"

"Nope!" Jay said, placing the package in their cart along with a box of multi-grain Cheerios, "And Erin loves those sugary cereals, so she's going to be glad that we got them." He gave Kate's hand a slight shake, "Plus, she doesn't get mad especially when we do all the grocery shopping."

Kate relaxed slightly and gave a wider smile, "Okay!" She looked up at Jay shyly, "Erin's gonna be back at your home, right?"

"Absolutely," Jay promised, pushing the cart with one hand and holding Kate's with the other, "And it's your home now too, Squirt."

She nodded, glancing at all the jars at her eye level while they walked down the aisle. "See anything you like?" Jay asked, still acutely aware at how slight his daughter was. While he and Erin were trying to feed her a normal number of calories, the little girl was still nervous when it came to food and vocalizing if she was hungry. "How about some pickles?"

"What's that?" She asked curiously, "Like those green guys we got on hamburgers?"

"Precisely," Jay grinned, stopping the cart and gesturing to the variety of jars on the shelf. "They're delicious by themselves too. I think we should try some, what do you think?"

"Okay," Kate agreed, turning to get a better look, "Which one?"

"You wanna pick?" Jay offered, pointing out a few of the options, "What one sounds good to you?"

Kate thought for a moment, mulling over her many choices, "The little ones?" She suggested, pointing a tiny finger at the jar of smaller pickles that Jay had pointed at earlier as a good option.

"Great choice," Jay confirmed, "You wanna put them in the cart too?" He smiled widely, trying his hardest not to freak his little girl out with his enthusiasm. He couldn't help it, they were bonding.

She nodded, taking the pickles off the shelf and holding them tightly. "Can I give you a boost?" Jay asked, noting how she glanced at the height of the cart. Kate nodded and giggled as she put the pickles into the shopping cart, Jay eliciting a whoosh noise as she did. "Alrighty, onward!" He declared, taking her hand again and heading toward the check out, "Shall we head home?"

Jay looked down at the child when she didn't respond. Kate was rigid with fear and remained rooted in her place, staring intently at the large man a few feet in front of her. He was a burly gentleman, clad in old work boots and a ratty sweatshirt with a few stray bleach stains. He was unshaven and wore an angry expression as he decided between packages of beef jerky. "Kate?" Jay asked, taking note of the tears filling the child's eyes, "What's wrong, kiddo?"

She shook her head, backing into the shelf, entire body trembling and face ashen. Tears filled her eyes as she regarded the large man. "Talk to me, Squirt, please." Jay knelt down in front of his little girl, frowning as she flinched when he stroked her arm, "What's going on?"

Kate shook her head again, unable to speak, pressing her body against the metal shelf. Jay remained squatting in front of her, trying to discern what was going on in his precious child's head. "Is that man making you nervous?" Jay whispered, following her line of sight to the grumpy man who had selected a pouch of jerky and was stalking to the check out. Tears streamed down her cheeks as Jay glanced around the store, unsure of what to do.

"Do you know the man?" He asked, overcome with the realization that the person Kate was so afraid of could be someone from her past. Jay looked over to the man, who was headed out the sliding door, "Did he hurt you?"

Kate didn't move and continued to cower in the canned goods aisle, refusing to say anything. "Would you feel better if we went home? We can leave, right now." Jay offered, "I'll come back for the food later, but we can get out of here."

She shook her head, a whimper escaping her lips. Blood trickled down her chin as she continued to shake her head. "Oh, kiddo, you're bleeding." Jay reached into the cart for a box of tissues and gently wiped his daughter's chin, "You bit your lip."

Another sob broke through as Jay tenderly dabbed Kate's lower lip. He frowned again, realizing that the interior of her bottom lip was littered with tiny scars. They mostly looked healed, save for the one that was reopened and bleeding freely. Jay swallowed the lump in his throat, realizing that the child must have been biting her lip for years, out of fear, anxiety and god knows what else. "It's okay, Kate, you're safe with me, I promise. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

With that, Kate crumbled against Jay's chest and buried her face in his neck. "I've got you," Jay whispered, still crouched on the grocery story floor, his child in his arms, "You're okay."

"I'm s-s-s-orry," Kate managed, her face still pressed into his neck. The tears continued to slide down her cheeks, soaking the collar of Jay's henley, "I'm sorry."

"You're allowed to cry. It's okay to be scared, kiddo." Jay kissed the side of her head, "I love you no matter what, okay?"

"What the hell happened?" Erin hissed, taking the grocery bag from Jay's hand as he continued to cradle Kate against his chest. She had clung to him while they checked out and had continued to weep silently in her car seat as he drove them home. The poor little girl's lip continued to bleed as she clamped her mouth shut, suppressing the urge to cry loudly. "Did she fall?"

Jay shook his head, rubbing Kate's back with his hand, "There was a scary looking guy in the grocery store," he explained, heading for the couch with Kate in his arms. He sat down heavily, "We're home now, kiddo. You're safe."

"She's bleeding, Jay." Erin hurried to the bathroom and emerged with a washcloth. Sure enough, droplets of blood speckled Jay's grey shirt.

He frowned and stroked Kate's cheek, "It's okay Squirt, you don't need to bite your lip. You're hurting yourself."

"I-I-I don't wanna cry," Kate choked out, "I didn't mean to be scared."

"You're allowed to be afraid, baby," Erin cooed, running the cloth over Kate's chin. She paused her gentle movements, "Are you biting your lip because you're afraid to cry?"

The little girl nodded timidly, fresh tears spilling over her cheeks. "It's okay, let it out kiddo," Jay murmured into his daughter's hair, "We've got you."

A strangled sob escaped Kate's lips as she held fast to Jay, tiny body trembling from head to toe. "We're here, sweetheart," Erin whispered, rubbing the child's back, "We're not going anywhere. You can cry for as long as you need."

"What's wrong, baby?" Erin asked again, wiping Kate's chin with her thumb, "Talk to us."

Tears filled Kate's eyes as she looked up into her mother's concerned gaze. Erin stroked her arm gently. "I-I-I didn't wanna make you worry 'bout me," Kate whispered, looking down shamefully at her hands, "You were hurtin' and Daddy was worried and I didn't want you to gotta worry 'bout me." She glanced up at Jay, "'cause I know when I get nightmares it makes you worry."

"Kate, honey, it's our job to worry about you. You don't need to hide being scared or having nightmares from us." Jay sat down beside Erin on the bed, "We want you to come to us with anything. No matter what's going on, we're your parents and we're here for you, okay?"

"I know it's been a hard few days, but I'm okay, I promise." Erin managed a watery smile, "We're all going to be okay, and that includes you. And whenever you're not feeling safe, or if you have a nightmare, we want you to come get us." She leaned closer to Kate and whispered, "It makes us feel better too."

"You-you want me to come even when you're hurtin'?" Kate asked, wiping her cheek with her pajama sleeve, "'s not gonna upset you more?"

"Not at all. It's our job to make you feel safe." Erin pressed a kiss onto her daughter's head, "In fact, I would feel much better if you snuggled with Daddy and me tonight. Is that okay with you?"

Kate nodded, wrapped her tiny arms around her mother's neck.

"So uh, I proposed to my girlfriend," Jay started, earning a round of applause from the other veterans in the circle, "It happened like two weeks ago and we still don't know exactly when we're getting married, but she's gonna adopt our daughter formally, so…" He trailed off, glancing down at his calloused hands, "But uh, last week I didn't make it here. After uh, after that snow day, well during it rather, my girl, she um, had a miscarriage. We uh, didn't know she was pregnant but um, it was rough. I wasn't even home, my kid called in a panic and thank God she knew how to call me but… yeah. So it's been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions on my end."

Jay took a deep breath, "Our kid you know, she's so smart and it just amazes me how she just knows things. Like yesterday, she was exhausted. I mean, totally wiped. But she didn't want to sleep. And we were worried about her and I thought she was getting sick since she was actually sleeping through the night but turns out she unplugged the baby monitor because she didn't want us to worry about her."

He swallowed, "She uh, cares so much about us that she barely slept for two days and had nightmares that I couldn't comfort her though because she was trying to be strong for us. I mean…that kid has been through so much hell. And still, at the end of the day, she wants to make sure we're okay. I just," he paused, "I can't believe she's mine. How did I help create something that pure and amazing I just…" he trailed off. "I mean, there's no doubt she's my kid. She's got my nose and chin and ears, and my fiancé says she's got my eyes even though hers are green, and she bites her lip when she's nervous. I used to do it as a kid actually. Whenever I was anxious I'd bite down hard on my lip, enough to make it bleed. And when I was first getting to know my daughter, I realized that she did the same thing. But she's got scars all over the inside of her little mouth because before I got her, that was all she could do to keep herself grounded."

"And the other night, she bit her lip again. And she hadn't done it in months and I was reminded of how much my kid's been through. And I just, I never want her to have to bite her lip again." Jay exhaled, "But things are getting better. She's home with her mom, and they're making tacos. And I know that we've been through the worst of it. It's only going to get better from here." He shrugged and smiled. "I got my girls."

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