Innocence II

***

I awoke from a nightmare with a start, gasping for breath.

'What the hell was that?'

I didn't remember what happened but...

It was bright, and then... it all turned dark with blood.

I let out a sigh then left my bed, and went to freshen up.

In the mirror, I saw my reflection...

My usual inky eyes now emitted an intensified black hue, making them appear as unnerving and unfocused as daisies lost in a haze.

A shudder ran through my body.

I glanced down at my now trembling hands.

A vivid hallucination painted them in a grotesque coat of crimson.

The sight made my heart race, and I blinked my eyes, hoping to dispel this visual torment.

Yet, as my eyelids opened again, the hallucinated blood stubbornly remained, as if etched into my very skin.

My breath left my lips in a stutter.

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to shut out the continued nightmare that plagued my senses.

A moment of anticipation hung in the air as I took a deep breath...

When I opened my eyes again, the blood on my hands had vanished completely, as if it had never existed, bringing me a sense of relief.

But what followed after was a heavy weight that seemed to settle upon my chest, squeezing my heart and making each breath a struggle.

It was as if I were submerged in the depths of the darkest ocean, desperately gasping for air.

And suddenly, a persistent thought echoed relentlessly in my mind...

It urged me to do something that I had sworn to never consider under any circumstances.

Almost as if a switch had been flipped, compelling me with an overwhelming, irresistible force to act upon it now.

To confess everything to my family.

I shook my head and closed my eyes.

'No...'

'I'm not doing that.'

I ignored the rising urge and began to brush my teeth, an attempt to take my mind off it.

'Why?'

But then my thoughts began to spiral, storming my mind, and causing complete disarray.

'What do you mean why? If I tell them this... everything... everything will be over.'

'This isn't how things are supposed to go.'

'Are you scared? What for? It's reincarnation, a natural process of life.'

'I don't believe that.'

'Why not?'

'It doesn't matter if reincarnation is real or not, 'cause my case was never normal.' 

'See... You should do it then.'

I cupped some water from the sink's faucet and used it to wash my mouth. 

'No.'

'Do it.'

'I said no.'

'Do it.'

After gurgling I spat out the water.

'I'll never.'

'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.'

The words echoed in my mind.

Like relentless whispers.

An unyielding demand that refused to be ignored.

'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.'

A never-ending barrage of madness.

My attempts to silence the voice or rather my own thoughts were futile, and it only grew louder with each passing moment. 

'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 'Do it.' 

I clenched my fists, heart racing, and opened my eyes to look at myself in the mirror.

{Do it.}

The command was written everywhere.

On my skin like tattoos, the roof, the walls, and the mirror itself.

'I SAID DO IT!'

The voice, now a deafening scream, drowned out all other thoughts, dominating my consciousness.

I closed my eyes and left the bathroom, leaning my trembling back on the room's right wall.

'And I said no.'

My response was feeble, barely audible in the chorus.

But my actions spoke louder than my words, in the literal sense of the phrase.

A moment passed and my fist rushed to my face, in an attempt to knock myself out...

Only to stop an inch away. 

'You can't keep going like this...'

'Do it.'

I tried to move my body, yet no matter how much strength I put behind my every action... nothing happened.

'You constantly lie to them and hide things from them.'

'Do it.'

'Bottling all of this up inside you is only going to ruin you like it did yesterday.'

'Do it.'

'It's time to come clean and reveal the truth.'

'Do it.'

'They deserve to know, and it's the least you can do for them.'

'Do it!'

'What? What kind of bullshit are you... Am I on about?'

'Do it.'

'No... No. I don't care about that.'

'Do it.'

'I don't want that... this isn't me.'

'Do it.'

'I'm not the one at fault!' 

'You are! Everything is your fault! That's why you'll do it!'

'Regardless of whether they hate you because of it or not, your goal wouldn't change... so do it.'

'And it makes sense for them to hate you, they would realize that you're not their family, that you stole their chance of having a normal son, a normal brother.'

'So... do it.'

'Why? Why am I thinking this?'

'Let's go.'

'Have I gone insane?'

'No, you've finally grown a pair... Now you'll stop lying.'

My body moved involuntarily towards the door.

'Stop!'

'Nothing you can do will stop this, you want this, we want this.'

A sense of detachment had long since washed over me.

I grappled with conflicting thoughts for a while, feeling simultaneously in control and out of control.

It was as if my brain had been divided into two separate entities vying for dominance, with me on the losing side.

And now I couldn't control myself anymore.

The inevitable had arrived. 

With urgency in my steps, my body hurried to the kitchen, determined to reveal everything...

'I can't stop...'

The clatter of pots and the aroma of breakfast filled the room as my mother, Laura, and my sister, Lily, busily prepared the morning meal.

My body's arrival, however, captured their attention, as if an invisible force compelled them to focus on me.

'No...'

I entered the kitchen, with my face betraying the inner turmoil going on inside my head.

"Mom, Lily, I need to talk to you right now. It's really important."

Laura set down the spatula, concern etched on her face.

"What's the matter, dear? You look tired. Is everything all right?"

Lily paused as well, looking at me with curiosity, as she asked:

"I heard that line before! You breaking up with us or is it a new something something ability?"

"No, it's just something that I thought about telling you both for a while." 

'Lyra...' 

They exchanged puzzled glances, caught off guard by my unexpected declaration.

My words had seemingly emerged from the depths of my being, leaving them both anxious.

They both knew that I was hiding something and whatever it was must've been a great secret...

So that fact that I was telling them now, so 'randomly' and 'suddenly' was quite a surprise.

'Help me you useless shit!'

'She won't, she's in on it, we know this.'

Understanding that what was coming was something incredibly serious, they both gathered around the dining table, looking at me expectantly.

'I' addressed them with a tone that lacked its usual vibrancy, and a sense of detachment prevailed:

"Listen up, both of you."

Laura narrowed her eyes, concern knitting her brows.

"W-what is it, dear? You got our full attention. Please tell us what's on your mind."

Leaning forward, Lily spoke, her voice trembling with nervousness as she recalled the incident that occurred during their journey to the academy:

"Yeah, b-bro, we're here for you. Whatever it is, you can tell us."

'STOP THIS! GOD DAMMIT! WHY LYRA?!'

I inwardly screamed, feeling my inner turmoil gradually dissipate with each passing moment.

"I've been lying to you both for a long time, I'm not who you think I am you see, ever since I came into this world, I—"

Laura cut 'me' off, asking:

"Came into this world... You mean when you were born, right?"

"No, I meant what I said, Laura."

"I was reborn into this world, transmigrated, reincarnated, whatever you may call it, but at the end of it, I'm not Emir."

'I' confirmed, 'my' voice unfeeling.

Their eyes widened in surprise, with confusion and shock evident on their faces.

"What do you mean?" Laura asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I mean that the person in this body is not Emir." 

"I'm not your brother, Lily, or your son, Laura. I'm someone else."

'S-stop this, Lyra...'

'She won't.'

I struggled in my attempt to speak to her again, my fight quieting down.

"Emir... something happened to you, right?" Lily asked.

"Maybe the bullet back then almost hitting your head messed up your brain or something, never mind this, let's get you to the hospital." 

"NO!" 'I' screamed.

"Only the two of you should know this, no one else."

"Are you sure nothing is wrong with you, dear? Maybe your sister is right, and we should check on you." She said, looking at me with concern.

"No, Laura. I knew about this since I was reincarnated into this world, I took over Emir's body when he was just a newborn."

"I don't understand," Laura said, shaking her head.

"What do you mean... you took over my son's body?"

A sigh escaped my body's mouth.

"I have memories of a past life, in a world other than this one."

"So the person you see in front of you is not how Emir would've turned out to be."

"I lived another life, and by having those memories, implanted into this body's mind, I reincarnated per se, I stole Emir's body." 

"I am not who you think I am, and I concealed this truth from both of you for all this time."