I’m sorry

<p>My hands resting on the window sill scratch on its surface, I teeth over my bottom lip before pressing them both together. I don't wanna reckon any further, the more I do, the more I get hurt. <br/>"You don't know when he'll leave you, Inn, listen to us. Think wisely for once." my mom's voice is ringing through my ears, and, I think that was the last time she had talked to me so gently. <br/><br/> Did I think wisely? if I did I wouldn't have standing here alone, in this dark. My head is a mess, a lot is going up there, it is as if my thoughts are bouncing from one to another, giving rise to a never ending chain that I'm sure as hell, I won't get any sleep tonight. although it has always been hard to get.<br/><br/> My gaze wanders to the table in the corner again, having a mental battle about whether going to sit there or go to bed and try to get some sleep. But my body strode before I could decide, already moving the chair to sit on it. Now there is only one chair placed here, before, there had been a stool, too. For him. He had got it for him, because he liked to stay with me when I write, even though he won't look at what I'm jotting down, he'll come to sit there and do his work on his laptop or browse on his phone. <br/><br/> We sat there sometimes, not to write but to have some talkless time, to bathe in the silence with the presence of the other. There had been hard times living with him. Us being together has never been easy, even though it wasn't, it was so good to be with him, to have him as mine. The corner of my lips tucked upwards into a smile, a barely-there one. I could not help it.<br/><br/> One night we sat here, we were actually wasn't in the right state of our mind, the school had been stressing him a lot, we barely get time for each other, we barely saw each other and when we do, we fight. I was scribbling on the page when I heard the bedroom door open, he stepped in, shutting the door afterward, I didn't see but I could tell from the noise, that he was peeling the cloth off his body and tossing it on the couch before he had sat beside me. I didn't raise my head though, eyes never leaving the page. He sat there noiseless<br/><br/> And somewhere in between, I felt guilty for not acknowledging his presence, I felt as if we were making things even harder for ourselves. so I rolled my head to look at him and no, he wasn't looking at me, I waited for him to gaze at me but he never did. and then I knew he has so much going on. I had put out a hand to run it through his hair, the roots splitting and making way to my running fingers, I scooted closer to him. <br/><br/> "Hey," I whispered and it earned me a hum from his throat. The room was already so hot, it was summer <br/> The heat of our naked upper bodies was making it much heater. I had tilted my face forward to rest it on his bicep, it was smooth and he felt warm under my skin. other hand of mine traced over his shoulder, grazing his skin under my face with my lips. He felt heavenly, he has always felt like a piece of heaven, my piece of heaven. <br/><br/> "Am I being too much for you?" I looked up at his face, my voice was a mere whisper, and it stayed between us. Only for us to hear. I never heard a reply, though. And it was understandable, he crouched his head, looking down at his lap. He bit the inside of his cheeks. <br/><br/> "I should have stayed there a little bit longer, didn't have to come with you that night. now we are making it hard, isn't it?" I didn't say that because I regretted my decision to live with him, no. But we were so young, at least me. He already had his things going on and I felt like I was in a way or two, some kind of a burden, even though he has never done anything to make me feel like that.<br/><br/> My hand still grazed his shoulder. his body warmth was so comforting. I felt his hand moving to rest on my shoulders, bringing me to him even closer than possible. I tangled both my arms around his neck and nosed over there, and in no time, I had let him take me to his lap. <br/><br/> I had retracted my face from his neck looking him in his eyes. He ran both his hands through my hair and I almost closed my eyes. But I kept it open, though. because he was so beautiful. A sigh left my slightly parted lips, I felt his hands cupping the sides of my face before I heard him whispering—<br/><br/> "You're not being too much for me nor do I want you to stay there," His fingers kept tracing over my cheekbones. There was a glint in his gorgeous green orbs. "And you shouldn't have to stay there longer when you have me here, I don't wanna see you in pain." his voice sounded sharp and hoarse. He moved forward, pressing his lips on mine, I felt electricity passing through my veins. My eyes drooped in an instant. He stayed there a little longer. "I love you," he whispered on my lips before diving into a kiss, this time it was a real one, a very expressive one. I felt him through it, I heard him through it. And all this uneasy feeling that had dwelled in my chest from earlier went away. <br/><br/>He was my everything.<br/><br/> "I love you too." I had said breathlessly after his lips left mine. His droopy eyes peered at me. my hand had reached out to feel his freckles splayed across his nose and cheekbones under my fingertips, leaping it down to his reddy lips, swiping a thumb over it, I lifted my gaze to look at him before diving into a kiss again. He clucked over my lips. I could have never gotten enough of him.<br/><br/><br/> I must have become too hard to be with at some point for him to leave me like that, even though he knows how much it's gonna hurt me, break me. And how hard I try I can't keep a grudge against him even after he had called me a whore. Sometimes I feel like I'm too self-disrespectful. It's humiliating. <br/><br/> The chair screeches when I move it back while still sitting on it, rising to my feet, I strode over to the bed, tossing my body on it, sighing soundly. <br/><br/>...<br/><br/> "I do look like shit!" I announce, not taking my eyes off the mirror in the washroom of the uni. Philip stands beside me, laughing.<br/>"Wasn't that the first thing I told you when I saw you in the morning?" He asks. I don't bother to reply, though. Running a hand through my hair to adjust the minor knots that formed on the back of my neck. I walk straight out of the door with Philip on his toes.<br/><br/> We walk through the hallway, there are people walking by, and I see a girl ambling straight toward us, a smile plaster on her face. She looks familiar in my eyes, with that long blond hair and cherry lips, And the moment she stand in front of Philip, moving the hair behind her ear bashfully after uttering a low 'hey' to him, I knew she is one of his flings. When I look sideways at his face, his mouth is split into a wide smile. I can't help but roll my eyes at that. <br/><br/> "Umm, we'll see later," I say out loud, succeeding in snatching Philip's attention, maybe that girl's too. <br/>He looks at me- "Oh- why's that?" he asks. <br/>"Looks like you've got something to do," I say, a knowing smile on my lips. Philip laughs. <br/>I gave his shoulder a slight squeeze before strolling away from them. <br/><br/> I go straight to the back side of the uni where I used to smoke every time with Philip. To the same spot. Where my soul lays. I stand there balancing my weight on the wall and slip a hand into the pocket of my pants to find a cigarette with a lighter but only a half-finished cigarette pack came out of it. No lighter. I tongue the inside of the cheek before holding the cigarette in between my teeth. Legs bouncing on the ground impatiently. And I remember it, to check the back pockets. <br/><br/> My desperate hands go straight to my pocket and I got the fucking lighter from the left one. I lit my cigarette in no time. I take a satisfying long puff. Blowing out slowly. I see a tall figure walking toward me from the corner of my eyes. I slightly turned my head to see Deik. wow! Best time to see him. I hope he is not gonna talk to me. I don't want him to. But really that's what gonna happen. <br/><br/> Because that tall figure is standing now right before me. He looks down at me. And I feel like his eyes are trying to say something to me like they did back then.<br/>I almost forgot everything and just stare at him. I wanna walk away but stay here and hear him at the same time. I bit the side of my cheeks. looking up at him, wanting him to speak. <br/><br/> "I'm sorry." and finally the words come out of his mouth but it is nothing but a whisper. I don't say anything as I stand there, still looking into his eyes. He must have felt so ashamed that he break the gaze and turn his head away. I feel my lips stretching out into a tight-lipped smile as I looked down. Jaws clenching.<br/><br/> "I really didn't mean to say that," he says.<br/>"And what I said about saying things that you don't mean?" I ask him. He bit down on his lip, looking down before dragging his tongue over the bottom lip and raising his head to look at me. <br/> "I'm so sorry, Inn. It was- I couldn't hold it in me when I saw you two." Inn? I wanna ask but I don't because I like the way it sounds when he says it. The way it flows down from his mouth with no obstacle. God, how pathetic can I be? <br/><br/> "He kissed you." I heard him say after two minutes. he said it as if he was sure and I know he had seen it but he still wants me to uphold it. And what if he kissed me does that matter to you now when you're the very person who discarded me years ago? ain't it funny? I wanna laugh and cry at the same time.<br/><br/> "And I fucked him." I smile up at him. The words came out before I could bite my tongue to stop them. He almost looked taken aback, jaws clenching. I use my voice to hurt him for the very first time, which I had never done before. He nods. And his eyes tear up ever so slightly. Maybe it's just me.<br/><br/> "Now you're the one making me say things that I don't wanna say," he whispers, stepping closer to me. I gulp. He is stepping too close for my sanity. I will lose it. His green orbs flicker. Now I'm fully pressed against the wall. I don't know what to do. The press of his lips against mine startles me. I wanna push him away but I can't, doesn't matter how many times my brain yells at me to shove him away from me but my heart won't listen. And I don't want it to listen. <br/><br/> I don't know how I survived these past two years without feeling it. I raised my hand to hold his nape. And I touched him for the first time after what felt like a decade. It feels nice to feel him under my palm, to have his goddamn lips on mine.<br/><br/> I missed this more than I realize. It was slow, the movement of our lips, he kisses me like the Deik he is. I draw him closer by the hand on his nape. I feel his palm on my cheek. With a final tug, he leaves my lip, giving me time to fill my lungs with some air that it's striving for. <br/><br/> I look up at him when he presses a final peck on my lips as his hand leaves my cheek. He backs away, and his eyes never leave mine as he does. I have this urge to reach him and feel his lips again because this feels right, call me insane 'cause I'm insane. <br/><br/> Insane for him. <br/><br/>I see him walking away from me, fading into that turn, making me wanna run after him. But I don't. I can't. I lifted my hand, putting the cigarette back into my mouth, looking away.</p>