Chapter 117: Trauma to overcome

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Looking away, I refused to answer him, but he continued nonetheless, "You aren't mad that you had to save your team, on the contrary you feel responsible. And that's why you don't want to take command."

He added, "I know what you are capable of, hell you planned our entire defence against Kumo, you already proved your commanding abilities. You aren't reluctant because you feel you aren't good enough, you are scared of sharing responsibilities.

"You don't mind throwing yourself into the fire, because you always survive. You always find a way, and even if you don't, then you have come to terms with your own mortality. But if it includes someone else, then…"

Seething inside, I growled, "Shut up."

But Shisui continued, "Back against Kumo, you fought for hours against their army on your own, taking as many of them down as possible. But once they attacked the fortress, and you came, you stopped the fight as soon as you could. You could have attacked their army first, and end with C, he wouldn't have realized his army was wiped out until too late. But you didn't. You attacked him and Yugito, because you knew this would end the battle."

Through clenched teeth, I explained myself, "I only made the most logical choice."

Shisui countered, "No, the cold logic would have been to destroy their army then and their. While sacrificing many of our soldiers, it would have essentially crippled Kumo. But you didn't, because you didn't want anyone to die because of your decision."

Shisui looked out, and said, "Same goes with your recent attack with Mikoto. Others may not have seen it, but I could feel there was something wrong with you when you were told you would go with Mikoto. And how quickly you refused any other help. You didn't want to have anyone with you."

"They would have been burdens."

Shisui shook his head, "I spoke with Mikoto, she gave a more precise account of what happened. After you wiped out the Explosion Corps, you returned to the camp with Mikoto, using tiredness as an excuse, but you fought for hours on end against Kumo. That was nothing more than an excuse, because you knew that if you fought to end Roshi, Mikoto would have come, and possibly be injured in the fight, or worse."

Shisui grabbed my hand as I stayed quiet, my gaze a little lost, and he said in his kind voice, "It's fine to be weak, Sukaina. You can't be invincible. But it is also fine to rely on others."

Both of us remained quiet after that, as realization dawned upon me. Although it pained me to admit it, I think… he is right.

After a couple of minutes of silence, I regained my voice, and asked, "But I can do it on my own, there's no need to endanger other people…"

Shisui chuckled, "You are strong, but I doubt even the First Hokage would be able to stop an entire village on his own. Besides, that's not the point. You can't deal with everything on your own, it is unhealthy. You need to learn, or re-learn, how to work with other people. Be honest, did you feel fine when you fought along with Mikoto, who is just as strong as you in a head on fight?"

I stayed quiet for a second, before revealing in a low, scared voice, "… I felt the worst dread."

Shisui smiled sadly and asked, "Do you think this is healthy? Do you think you can go on like that?"

I shook my head slowly, and Shisui's grip on my hand tightened as he said, "I understand it is not going to be easy, but I think you should go. Learn to share your burden with others, and not feel responsible for everything."

I ended up sighing, taking my hand away as I replied, "Fine. I'll try not to barge into the enemy headquarters and kill everyone there."

Shisui chuckled, "That would be preferable."

I started walking out, intending to go for my tent, but Shisui asked, "Are you going now?"

I nodded, and he asked, "Do you know where to go?"

I replied, "The border between the Land of Fire and Hot Water."

"That is a large area."

I added with a groan, "Our defences are obviously going to the eastern part of the border, and it's mainly a mountainous region, so there aren't three thousand places they could be. I'll be faster leaving now than waiting for the Hokage's official letter."

Shisui looked like he wanted to add something, but I walked out, not too keen on listening to him. He may be right, and saying all of this in my interest, but it doesn't make it less uncomfortable.

I avoided the crowd as I directly went for my tent, and gathered all my stuff. Then, without looking back, I left the camp.

As I moved as fast as possible, in under two hours I had reached my destination, not just the border with the Land of Hot Water, but the camp that was rapidly being set by the men sent here.

I did not immediately show myself, but instead observed the men. There was a vast majority of soldiers who didn't use chakra, they made up most of our force, and honestly, they were more cannon fodder than anything.

However, a sky full of arrows shot by normal men is effective in killing some of the weaker Benders/Shinobis, so they weren't completely useless.

In any case, they were being led by the Benders, who were the real soldiers. As for Shinobis, there were a few of them, but they were patrolling the area more than anything.

Well, not so effectively, since they not only failed to spot me, but also the spy hiding around fifty meters away from me. This guy should be from Kiri. His hiding skill is quite good, especially for hiding his chakra.

Once I had enough, I silently moved behind him, and looked down at him as I stood less than a meter from him, yet he had no idea I was there.

My hand went for my sword, only to be reminded by the empty space that it was broken. My hand freezing for a moment, I raised it, and chopped down strongly on the spy's neck.

I did not hold back my strength much, so he didn't get knocked out. Instead, my hand broke his spine, the shattered pieces piercing through his trachea, carotid and nerves. He fell down to the ground, his body unresponsive as he died instantly, his neck bent unnaturally.

Poor guy did not know what happened.

I can't help but wonder, whether it is better to die unsuspectingly like that, or understand before's one death that it was coming.

On the one hand, he did not suffer, but there is also a terror in the unknown, sudden death. Considering the after life exists, how puzzling and traumatizing finding oneself over there must be.

But on the other hand, seeing one's killer approach and understanding that death was coming was traumatizing in its own right.

I guess it all comes to what seems more humane, so I guess a clueless death is better. People in my old world used to say that a peaceful death was one in one's sleep, where they wouldn't feel anything.

But isn't that terrifying? If you really think about it, if you follow this logic, then every night could be your last, and there is nothing to be done about it.

I don't really care myself, I've come to terms with my mortality, but I can't help but wonder what other people feel. This is quite interesting. I should ask the next person I kill.

Hmm, no, I'm only going to waste time, I should observe silently. We'll see. For now, I got to introduce myself, and so I grabbed the corpse by the ankle, and dragged him toward the camp.