Chapter Twenty Two - Love

"We are not a wealthy school," the principal shook his head and folded his hands over each other. The tactic was one I fully expected, and immediately countered.

"Oh, but of course the financial arrangements would have to be made by the individual groups themselves. We absolutely couldn't have the school pay for passion projects like this," I smiled sweetly, feeling like a retail employee deftly navigating a customer's increasingly feeble arguments about not getting a warranty.

"So…" He found himself cornered and scowled before sighing in resignation. "Well, I guess it would be all right, so long as the groups get permission from the school for the projects, pay for them on their own and didn't disrupt the others."

"Thank you, sir," I bowed slightly. "I think you've made a wonderful choice and the school will be richer and better served for it. If you'll excuse me." He nodded and I quickly backed out of the room before he could come up with yet another inane argument. I bowed once more and closed the door. I hated the fact it was all too easy.

I walked along the mostly empty halls unhurriedly. I was still not close to 100% recovered and the late afternoon sun through the windows made the garishly colored halls far warmer than the cold wind the weather outside promised. Honestly, I was a little disappointed in how easy convincing him had turned out to be. I'd expected something of a challenge but, honestly, the school was out nothing and there'd be more for the parents to see and do so he looked better for it. It was a win for all sides. I'd kind of hoped for more of a challenge. I turned the corner leading to the shoe lockers to find Aria leaning against one of the columns. I scowled in her direction.

She'd come back from her conversation in the halls with Daishi right before the bell all smiles and giggles and, honestly, it had pissed me off. For someone who seemed so opposed to talking to him she sure as hell spent enough time at lunch doing just that. She'd sent me a few texts throughout the rest of the day, but I'd not read any of them, viciously paying rapt attention to whatever Ichikawa Sensei was droning on about. In other words, I'd quickly regressed to the silent treatment.

"K-chan!" Aria exclaimed, waving excitedly as she caught sight of me. My scowl deepened and I nodded at her, deftly avoiding her hug as she lunged toward me. I wasn't recovered but I was absolutely nimbler than her.

"You should save that shit for Daishi," I muttered, opening my locker, and retrieving my shoes.

"What do you mean?" Aria asked, a pained tone in her voice.

"You know exactly what I mean," I changed out of my school shoes quickly and stuffed them back into my locker.

"No, I don't!" I finished putting my shoes on and whirled around to face her.

"Look, don't play with me, Aria," my voice came out far sharper than even I'd intended, aided most likely by my throat not cooperating properly and she shrunk back slightly in surprise. "I'm… I'm not feeling much like talking today, ok?" I spun on my heel and headed toward the entrance of the school, pulling my jacket on as I did.

"Please don't go," Aria said, grabbing my sleeve. "Please talk to me. I waited for you!"

"Did you? Or were you waiting for Daishi and I happened along first? I'm not in the mood for your weird bi-polar teasing not teasing thing today. Just go back to waiting for Captain Fuckstick and leave me alone, I'm going home."

"Let me explain! Please!" Aria stubbornly refused to let go of my sleeve and finally I spun around to face her.

"You don't owe me an explanation," I growled. "we're friends. Let me go."

"No," Aria straightened defiantly. "Not until you listen to me." I sighed at her stubbornness and finally turned back around, fixing her with what I judged to be a particularly steely glare.

"Fine," I growled. "But not here. Let's go to the bridge." Aria nodded and followed me as I made my way out of school and toward the river. Fortunately, the weather wasn't too cold, and the sun even made a brief, fitful appearance. We finally stopped walking and I leaned over the thick stone wall of the bridge, looking down at the water rushing by a couple meters below us.

"I don't know why you're mad at me," Aria began, shuffling her feet slightly.

"I'm not mad at you," I replied. "What do I have to be mad about? You can do what you want, it's none of my business."

"I love you," Aria began before I raised my hand to cut her off.

"What does that mean?" I turned and glowered at her.

"What does it mean? I…it means I love you? I-I'm not sure what you're asking, K-chan," Aria stammered.

"Love means something different to everyone, right? What does it mean to you? Is love like a game to you? Is it a way to grab more pieces for some kind of collection? You say you love me and then you tease me and say something then walk it back and, honestly, I have no idea what your 'love' means, Aria." I could see the hurt and indignation in her eyes but, honestly, I didn't care at this point. I was petty and spiteful and, honestly, quite ok with it.

"What about you?" Aria challenged me, her anger flaring. "What does your love mean?" I chuckled mirthlessly.

"I see," I shook my head in resignation. "My love means having eyes for only one person. My love means thinking about that person more than myself. My love means not imagining a future without that person beside you, taking their feelings into consideration all the time and doing your best to never hurt them. It means trust and truth and saying what you mean.

"My love means saying you're sorry but not saying it very often because you rarely do anything to be sorry for because you are always thinking about your actions in a way that frames them against how the person you love would react to them. That's what my love means, Aria. Now, what about yours?"

"Well," Aria seemed taken aback and looked down at her shoes before continuing, "that's kind of a hard speech to follow up, K-chan."

"Look," I sighed. "I think our ideas of what love is are two wholly separate things. I know a lot of people don't look at two girls dating as something real. And I also get how people think that if they're in a relationship with someone of the same sex it's ok to fuck someone else or go around with someone else since it's not real anyway. I get that. But that's not something I'm interested in. If you want some sort of side thing while you pursue everything with a dick count me out. If I'm one more in a series of female lovers to you, likewise, count me out."

"I don't think about you like that!" She protested, tears forming in the corner of her brilliant blue eyes. "I love you! Like, really love you. You're special to me!"

"I'll be honest," I shook my head. "Despite everything I told myself, I was jealous and hurt at lunch."

"I won't talk to Daishi anymore, then!" Aria exclaimed. "I don't like him anyway! He was complaining to me about all the trouble he got in with his girlfriend over me and stuff! It wasn't that big of a deal, but I won't talk to him anymore! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Kasumi!"

"It's not Daishi," I said, trying to get my thoughts in order. I didn't like guilt. That dislike was especially acute when I was feeling guilty over something so petty as being jealous over someone talking to someone else. What, actually, did I want from her? "It's my own problem. I don't know what pursuing someone romantically is supposed to be like. Especially someone of the same sex. I had an ideal in my head which was my fault, and I don't know what to think, now. Two girls can't make out in the street or snuggle and hold hands in the hall and I know that and wasn't expecting it, but I thought when someone was pursuing someone else they'd do everything to make them feel special and like they were the only person in the world. When you and Daishi walked out of class, I'm sure most people thought you two were having a lovers' quarrel or something. Honestly, it looked like you were to me, too, and that's what pissed me off."

"It's not like that!" Aria protested, grabbing the sleeve of my school jacket. "Daishi and I never went out!"

"I'm going to tell you something, Aria," I sighed, hanging my head over the stone rail of the bridge, and stared at the dark water rushing by below. "I was excited and happy you confessed to me. I'm not sure it was romantic since I don't have much experience with that sort of thing, but it was exciting. It's not been like I hoped it would be at all, though. Teasing texts and weird interactions with boys and feeling like I'm one of many, whether true or not, isn't what I hoped for."

"That's not true!" Aria grabbed my sleeve tighter in her hands. "I don't know what I'm doing either! I've never had to pursue someone else, so I don't know what's normal! I don't know what to do or say. What if I say what I really mean, and it offends you? What if I do what I really want to do, and it causes you trouble? What if I ruin my chances with you by pushing too hard or not pushing hard enough? I don't know what I'm doing! All I know is I'm doing it wrong. I'm throwing stones in the dark trying to hit something that will make you fall in love with me. I'm sorry I suck at it. I'm sorry I'm no good."

"I see," I muttered. I hadn't considered the notion it could be just as awkward and unfamiliar for her. Once again, I'd thought only of myself, something which had become a bad habit of mine.

"I never meant to hurt your feelings or confuse you or make you mad at me or any of the other bad things I've done," I glanced over at her and tears were rolling down her face, dripping from her chin. The hands holding my sleeve trembled slightly and her bottom lip quivered as she tried to hold back tears. My guilt rose to whole new levels and I felt like a total bitch.

"You don't have to throw stones in the dark to make me fall in love with you," I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "I already do."