Feelings

The words "Can I talk to you" pounded in my head. I stood up from the bench and looked towards him. I could see his soft gaze burrow inside of me as if they were trying to tell my something. What were they telling me? I didn't know what they meant but I felt a slight pain in my chest the longer I looked at them.

He then slowy began to move his lips before he spoke.

"I like you"

What? All of a sudden? No! Not this again.I just wanted to be your friend. Please don't do this! Please say its a joke! Please say your joking!

"Oh...What do you want to do then?"

That's right I am to coward to say "NO" right away. I knew that if I said no he would cry and who am I to make him cry he was sweet,kind, funny. He was what you would say my "ideal" type but I couldn't bare myself to see him as anything other than another friend. I couldn't force my heart to accept him in all of a sudden. I figured that giving him some hope was better than cutting him off right away.

"What ever you want to do"

The way he smiled as he said that. Oh was he perfect. If only my heart reciprocated his feelings. I couldn't bare to say I didn't feel the same way and asked him for some time to think about it. He agreed and told me he would wait for when I was ready. That's when I learned why my chest hurt evertime he looked at me. His gaze had been telling me all along what he felt yet I was to foolish to catch on. I didnt know that the simple thought of me made his heart flutter. That the reason I kept seeing him so often was because no matter what way my heart turned his heart would always find a way towards mine. That just seeing me everyday made him happy. But what made me special to him? What made him feel this towards me? I was just myself towards him. Why is it that everytime I open up to people they keep me deep inside their hearts and expect me to do the same?

Three days had passed sense he shared his feelings with me. We avoided each other during those days. I was hoping he would forget about it but a part of me wanted him to ask about my decision. I didn't know why but I wanted him to ask. I wanted him to look at me with his soft gentle gaze and ask me If I felt the same. Why did I keep waiting for him ask? Unfortunately later that day as we were leaving our last period would he ask me.

"Have you thought about what I said"

I looked at him for a moment before saying anything. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I slowly looked towards him before speaking.

"Im sorry...I like someone else"

Lies! I was lying their was nobody else! I didn't hold anyone in my heart. I just couldn't bare to tell him that I wouldn't give him a chance! Why? Because I was childish that's why, because I didn't want a relationship if it meant that I didn't share the same feelings right away. Maybe if I had givin him a chance that day would I have been able to share those feelings someday.

All he said was "okay" before he walked away. He tried to hide it but I could see him in pain. I could see his eyes turn red as he held back tears and his soft hands slowly harden as if he was trying to accept what had just happened. What was it that I felt back then when I said no. I don't remember. Maybe it's good that I can't remember what I felt but my heart aches as I continue to try to remember that feeling. Moments like these are the ones that make me think "maybe...I am the problem" or "why am I like this" but the truth is these moments are punishments. Traces of regret that our hearts will leave us so that later on we suffer and pay for what we have done. Making us miserable each day we live until one day we no longer feel any emotions. Forcing us to live in the darkness waiting for the day that a star will choose us and cross above us. Shining a path for the both of us to cross. If you are lucky these stars will stay above you and shine with you until the end of the path but if your like me these stars will only cross by. Shining above us for a slight second before they decide to leave and look for another traveler lost in the darkness. I am still waiting for my star to come in this dark abiss maybe the last one I had let go was the last chance I had to continue along this dark path. Hope is something I am running out of the longer i stay in that same spot . If its the constellations will to not let another star shine above me I will accept this abbis and live with it but If another star is sent out for me. Then this time I will try to keep it with me until it slowly fades away and leaves me alone once more.