Let Me In

Rod and I went Christmas shopping, I bought a new phone and now everybody we passed by was giving him eye contact, I was so afraid for his life but couldn't make it seem obvious. Norman had agreed to meet us with the children at noon beside the theater and one of the movie titles stood out at me Unlovable, it was almost like an enlightenment. My hands started sweating under the leather fingerless gloves and Rod's arrogance was beginning to churn my stomach. He had complained about how slow I was moving but I knew he wanted to be the center of attention, giving the small children money and buying them toys to impress their mothers so I walked behind him in pain. He also knew it was Christmas and didn't give a fuck, like he told me on the way to the Galleria. I hadn't reacted to being affected his ritual nor had I mentioned being sore enough to kill myself, I'd better not. I just acted accordingly wishing he would leave and fly out early. I was losing my mind and I contributed it to Jachin because he had knocked over my picket fence and enticed me until I committed adultery, now I felt like I had to make him fuck me, the thought was damaging. In the journal Destiny had mentioned her daughter being born a day before Thanksgiving and Jachin hadn't mentioned it at all, I'd known him around that time hadn't I? Something would chill my bones when I thought about the possibilities and I would watch Rod's shadow now more than I watched him because he wasn't the Sky King anymore, now he was the Sky God and had been for a while, what had he done to get the promotion? I combed through every memory and compared them to dates I'd seen in the journal and this time the ties had been tight enough to leave ligature marks around my wrists but nothing compared to when he found about the job, I couldn't even button the sleeves; but he was my husband and I loved him. While watching every one watch us I was about to have a heart attack and everyone at the galleria seemed to be following us. When he suggested we take pictures beside the tree I agreed out of fear, those were things the trophy wife did while her husband squeezed her sore ass for the camera. After the picture he kissed me beside the mouth, "Cheer up Babe! It's Christmas! I hope u aren't too upset about last night, I needed to release u know it helps me cope especially this time of year, Christmas Eve is always hard." Yea, I remembered, also I remembered his best friend Paul who died along with 8 other troops, in Parvan Province, there had been a planned attack on his fellow soldiers, he and two others barely escaped alive and now he suffered from the PTSD as a result; the aggression helped. At first I was understanding. He was my husband and he was perfect. I walked in the heels and fancy pantsuit afraid to exhibit being anything else except Mrs. Japonica West, "U know my standards, u should be happy to have finer things, I remember the rags u had when we got married." So I paid high prices for the clothes and decor for the home, he didn't care if the children wore the Sesame Street shoes as long as I remained beautiful and stuck to the carb diet to keep my figure. In public we were so in love and received praise for it, and I had come from nothing. My life was grand and so was Roderick West Sr. Jachin had gone outside and left the coffee on the dining room table, I'd come out of the room barely able to move my arms, "Find the strap, I'm going outside with your brother. He's very athletic he would have been fit for the military. Does he know anything about your other brother or his father, couldn't he be your father too?" "Not possible, don't drink that." "Why not? It's still warm." "They spit in the coffee at Quik Trip." "Well another loogie won't hurt, going outside, I love u." "Love u too." I ran to the bathroom while I had a chance to cry, got in the bathtub with it filled to the rim; half were my damn tears but through all the pain I could still feel Jachin all over me, all in me and it helped me cope. Chemistry. I had watched him drink the coffee praying he didn't fall dead afterward and I dared to even seem like I didn't enjoy the session from the night before because there would be a next time and I didn't want another child. Jachin and I had to have a serious talk. My husband walked toward the door, I listened for a gunshot as soon as the door closed. After buying the phone and transferring the data from the old phone I put it in the clutch, no one called because I didn't know how to have friends anymore, only Zoshia and I was dared not to affiliate myself when her when off the clock, besides now she was mad and I didn't know why. I texted her while standing at the caramel pecan stand in front of Victoia's secret while Rod went inside and told me to stay put. I saw the man with the glasses wearing the sweat shirt and watched him walk in the store behind him; just coincidental I had concluded until I saw him a second time and then a third, all while Rod was home, the third time the children were with us. Norman arrived with my babies and I was happy they were going home. If his children weren't home and he wanted them there he would punish me because they weren't but he wasn't always that way. At times he could be seductive and passionate but when the disorder was coming on strong, I needed to allow him to feel dominant. I reached for RJ and almost cried from the pain in my arms and couldn't grab him. Rod finally reached for him because he knew why I couldn't while Ava vied for the attention. Broderick hated his father. I couldn't read Norman, he was my cousin, a preacher and liable to tell Rod about Jachin not being who he thought he was but Rod had rubbed him the wrong way with the restraining order comment and he already didn't care for him because he was a bully. Like Roger West. We shopped with the children. When Jachin came in I heard them rejoicing Uncle Jays arrival with the gifts; the surprises were driving me crazy and so was the noise in the home while Rod and the kids were putting up the the tree, every now and then Ava would bring screaming RJ to the room, throw him inside and close the door; he would scream louder so I would take his screaming ass and put him back in the hall, I just wanted to sleep and hadn't the previous night. His scent was all in my bed, and it was triggering a rush that made me fantasize about him even though I was in pain. I could tell Rod was already half drunk by listening to the conversation, he bragged about being First Class Sergeant West like he always did when he needed his ego stroked. Jachin's responses were more inquiring than imperative, and he wanted to know a lot during the conversation. I was listening to the Sky God hang himself, then I heard "Is Nikki sleep?" "She might be, wake her up she needs to spend time with the children." RJ had fallen asleep on the other side of the door; on his way to my bedroom Jachin picked him up and laid him in my bed without closing the door behind him. I sat up. "What are u doing?" He put his hands under the covers from the side and laid it on my stomach, "I missed u, go home with me." "I CAN'T GO HOME WITH U! AND GIVE ME MY DAMN KEY!" I whispered to him dramatically because his game was dangerous. "I'm not leaving without u and I bought the key, u have yours." WHAT? OH MY GOD! "I HAVE MY CHILDREN! U are taking this shit too far." "Ok, they're with what's his face, come on and clean your mouth." "I CAN'T LEAVE WITH U, MY HUSBAND IS HERE! We made love last night and u know I can't be with u now!" "Well let me fix that! Why wont u let me in! Our chemistry don't need sex, let me make u better." "BAABE COME LOOK AT THE TREE! GET UP!" "Let's go now, I just want to hold u, u need it and I need u. I'll be in the car." "Wait! Jachin u know I can't leave with u, this has to stop! I can't be with u!" "JAPONICA! Let me go get your mother Ava, she'd rather sleep! JAY IS YOUR SISTER LIVING OR NOT! All she do is sleep!" I watched Rod's shadow grow tall on the wall in the hallway, it would appear and disappear while he decorated the tree. I loved my husband and what I had for Jachin was lust, my grandmother spoke about it, it was palpable and Jachin knew it. I attempted to quietly fight him off while he tried to kiss me telling me to go home with him so he could heal me, he had heard everything and I was so embarrassed. He lifted my arms and kissed both wrists but how did he know to take the strap? I wanted to read more emails. Destiny had mentioned being in exceeding pain after sex with SkyKing had she played the game too? Jachin was beginning to scare me, because he had to have been angry enough to kill all of us, like someone would come do eventually if he didn't find his target. Jasper only wanted one person, but would kill everyone until he got to the one he wanted and was the son of a gambler, a mobster who had gained a fortune and passed it on to him when he died. I had never asked Zoshia why she'd said I was playing with fire nor did she mention she knew who he was. I would have never thought she did because, Jachin wasn't from around there and if she would have told me she did I wouldn't have believed her. My faith was being tested the same way my fidelity was being tempted, "I just need to feel u, I can't sleep. Come lay beside me until I fall asleep and then leave, the kids are fine Japonica." "Are u trying to get me killed?" "Of course not but I can't sleep with u still here with him." "BABE! JAY! COME WATCH THE TREE LIGHT UP!" "LEAVE JACHIN! How can I even take u serious, u don't even carry a gun!" "O.k. I will then." Leave or carry a gun? "This is not funny, I can't do it anymore." He leaned over me, covered RJ and whispered in my ear, "I'm trying and I can't stay away, u make me dysfunctional, I can't sleep or concentrate on what I came for and I came to make my mother better because she can't cope! Your intimacy distracts me so is it a good thing? U tell me. I close my eyes to sleep and see u now instead of the visual of my dead sister without a head. Or the demon who basically killed her and delivered her to us in a trash bag. So give me what I need Japonica so I can cope, u need me too, I'm not a threat to u." I didn't know how to respond when he backed away and was scared because he wasn't taking no, I was still watching Rod's shadow move back and forth afraid he would catch Jachin's lips against my ear. "The door will be unlocked." He turned to leave out and met Rod at the door, "She was hard to wake up, must be tired from last night." Rod laughed. "Yea we didn't get much rest." Why did Jachin have such a protective nature I wondered trying to shake the urge to make up a reason to leave, I couldn't leave and he was demanding me to; yea I heard what he was saying but his desires were contagious. He couldn't have wanted sex and whatever he wanted I wanted it too. Destiny did everything to please her parents, I could tell just by the journal entries, Jachin couldn't have been as determined as she was to make them proud. I was afraid to leave and afraid to stay, I prayed asking God to fix it because it was out of my hands! Rod and Jachin walked away together, Rod offered brandy and mentioned he was on his third round. When Jachin agreed to drink with him I almost broke my neck with my foot wrapped in the cover getting up, I couldn't allow him to kill my husband! He said he wouldn't until I allowed him to which was dumb! Why would I do that? I wondered why he had allowed me to ride past his home the way I did! Didn't he say he wasn't coming back! I didn't know what to do and I couldn't unbrother the motherfucker now! Jachin stood at the bar pouring the brandy, I walked to where Broderick and Ava were on their knees hanging candy canes and plugged in the tree, Rod had completely gotten sidetracked; I entertained my children pretending my backside wasn't bruised because of their father for an hour trying to wait Jachin out, he needed to leave! What was he trying to do? Shifting from cheek to cheek I had watched him feed the liquor to Rod, he passed by me after consuming the 4th one Jachin had poured, stumbling—-and I knew he himself had only had one. I was already sore, and now my chest ached with fear, was this a damn joke! Why was he feeding him the liquor? I was terrified and HEARD HIM LOOKING FOR THE STRAP! "DON'T GIVE HIM ANYMORE! What the fuck are u doing!?" The drawers were sliding and I wanted to run for the bottle, I was nauseated, I needed the drink, "DO NOT GET HIM DRUNK!" "WHAT'S THAT BABY?" He watched me silently until Rod appeared behind me. The walls were closing in and I tried to steady my breathing, "One more before I go Rod?" "I'm at my limit! My wife don't like when I have too much!" He didn't even care if the kids were home he would fuck me crippled. Rod was stumbling through the living room asking about the leftover take out from earlier and I prayed to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit that he passed out! While convincing him to have one more drink Rod said, "Get ready for bed Babe, are the children sleep?" After I got up without saying a word, knees buckling, Jachin asked, "Do u ever think about dying? Suddenly?" I had made it halfway down the hall and turned around to see his eyes locked on mine. "Whoa, um wasn't expecting that one. Caught me off guard but while I'm in the line of duty I try not to think about it." "Nikki, u still nervous about Rod dying?" "Has she been talking to u about me dying?" "She mentioned it a few times." "Yea man, she's been hearing that crap about the crazy chic who killed herself back in '15 while she was in Arifjan. I told her that girl had issues, word was she let a man drive her crazy. Oh and I heard she was pregnant when she just blew her head off because he wasn't leaving his wife. Since she heard the crap she's been depressed and drinking heavy but I'm home so she has nothing worry about, I'M ALIVE AND WELL! HOW ABOUT ONE MORE JAY?" "Yea, I'll have another one, I remember hearing something about it, I never got the real story though." "NOW THIS ONE WAS A REAL CLINGY ONE THEY SAID, LITTLE SPOILED BITCH THAT COME FROM MONEY, my father is a police he told me what he knew, I think him and her father might have crossed paths a couple times but he grew up with her mother, she's from here—JAPONICA! NOW, BED!—I don't want her hearing this because it's not worth her being OBSESSED ABOUT! Chic was plain crazy!" I listened to him talk and was froze in my seat, I was crying—and didn't even know it! "SEE WHAT I MEAN! WHY THE FUCK ARE U CRYING FOR SOMEONE U DON'T KNOOW! She doesn't need to hear stuff like this! ONE MORE JAY, HOW ABOUT IT?" "Hell yea, I'll take another one, how about u Nikki, u need one?" "Her name was Destiny, Rod." "OHHH NO! See what I mean? Don't give her any, I'll never hear the end of it, besides she'll think the dead girl is in the house like the missing girl she heard about, she disappeared I think, guy showed up with roses at her dorm, took to her to Red Lobster and nobody seen her since, she let it drive her crazy!" Jachin poured the drinks and actually drunk his, then poured himself another one. "What happened to the girl who shot herself?" he asked. "People said they saw it coming because she had lost it and had seen too many casualties, just couldn't take it; she was running around playing with weapons thinking someone was spying on her, shooting when the wind blew, exchanging friendly fire and was just not fit for her duties. I heard she just walked out of the compound and shot herself in broad daylight. She may have been one of the ones I took home, wish I could remember her name, had a little too much to drink right now. Japonica just needs to get over it, it won't happen to me, I'm skilled...they have to catch me up high!" They both laughed, Jachin never broke his gaze He complained about it being hot before getting up turning off the heat, only the fireplace burned. I was froze, "DO U NEED HELP GETTING READY FOR BED JAPONICA? My wife needs help apparently so let me help her see ya in the morning Jay." "Nikki, let me in." "She needs to sleep late, call first! AND WHY THE HELL ARE U CRYING? THIS IS SO—EMBARRASSING, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS ANYMORE BABE AND WE KNOW WHO'S FAVOR THEY WILL RULE IN, U CANT TAKE CARE OF MY CHILDREN WORKING AT A GROCERY STORE! GET UP!" "No u are drunk let me GO! U can barely stand up!" Rod was trying to push me down the hall, he was so mad I could see his guilt for the first time ever. "Nikki, just let me in, please. Open the door."