Catfish

My husband had come home to surprise me for Thanksgiving and saw Jachin there. He trusted me so much and didn't sense any infidelity on my part, but after he saw what he had and jumped to conclusions without me clarifying the assumption, I felt so low. He'd told me several times how it was dangerous for me to distract him with thoughts of me being unfaithful---because of the line of duty he was in. He had sniper and free fall training, also he could rope climb. The Post Partum Depression made me envision him falling from the sky on the roof just to spy and see what I was doing when he would be deployed, that was one of the reasons I wanted to spend less time at home. He would order me the sex toys and have them delivered spontaneously so I could play with them while he watched, at first it was exciting to see him masturbate, but now it was dull and I wanted him, not a computer screen. I felt bad after that hug I prayed constantly while he talked to me that night asking to be forgiven; he talked about what he had left behind and said would leave Thanksgiving night. I was even sneaking and getting on my knees to make sure God heard me. We cooked together, drank the wine and listened to the old school R&B he loved while he expressed how bad he wanted sex and couldn't wait to get home. I wanted it too but mentioned a condom, it pissed him off. "We haven't used a rubber since we were teenagers, it it something u ain't tellin me?"

"No, I cannot go through another pregnancy and u know what happens when u come home, especially when u can't stay long! Please Honey."

He agreed but changed the subject after asking if he left any Brandy on the bar. No, please not the Brandy. There were signs of the PTSD even back then.

"I know u were glad to see your brother for Thanksgiving, is he coming back for dinner tomorrow? Does he have a family, I hope I can meet everybody. I can't go see Mama and Daddy, is Trudy bringin the children tonight or in the morning?"

"She took them with her for Thanksgiving Baby, I had no knowledge that she would." "Did u think I didn't wanna see my children!?"

"I didn't even know u would come! She invited me too to keep me from spending Thanksgiving alone also!" I told him where they were and he decided we could drive right then and get them. "U have been drinking, that is almost two hours away!"

"I want my children Japonica! U can't handle your responsibilities so I have to suffer because of it! CALL TRUDY!"

He was yelling at me and I prayed harder, I was a good wife and I didn't think it was my fault! I needed to make him happy, I didn't want his mad sex or the baby that came along with it. "It's a holiday, I'm sorry but Baby I came home to be with my family, do u know what I see everyday!? U will never understand the beauty of life until u see the face of death."

I texted Trudy the scenario, she met us halfway and Rod had drank entirely too much but still drove. I looked at my children all bundled up climbing from the SUV hugging Trudy in the Jimmy John's parking lot and realized as if at once I had three small babies. and almost cried. I could tell when Rod took my baby boy from Norman's arms he was upset and I didn't want them to think I had caused the confusion. I found out a few days later he had told them we didn't need them to watch the children anymore. All he brought back to the car were their clothes Trudy had taken with them on the trip. Thanksgiving Day was cheerful and we had made up but there was still a bad vibe between us. I was thankful he had made it home to his family, one more time. The sex was emotional that night and Thanksgiving morning, I was learning fear could make u insane. We went to see grandma, she could tell something was wrong and wouldn't let us leave without praying. His phone only rang once the whole time he stayed, Thanksgiving night at 10 p.m. on the dot. He sat in his uniform and had just finished telling me that they were taking the young soldier to Jena and thought it was best not to take him home on Thanksgiving day, but the day after. "I don't know if I'll make it back home every time I leave, and how do u think I feel to come and find my children gone? Maybe your brother can help u with the boys, u know how I feel about Ava, but they need to be introduced to sports and boy stuff Babe, I just can't take up my own slack right now. Why didn't he come by for dinner? Did u call him, I wanted to see him again before I left, the next best thing to a brother is a brother n law. I feel bad saying it but I hardly remember my brother Devin, maybe me and Jay could be close." "Yea, I don't know much about him yet but he's not here for long."

"Oh? Where does he live?"

"Georgia--Savannah."

"Maybe when I'm at Fort Stewart we can hook up, its not too far away."

I was digging myself deeper and deeper and hadn't known it, dishonesty didn't exist between us that I knew of, he was faithful and so was I. We began to embrace each other and didn't stop until his sergeant arrived. I knew it would be months before I saw him again and had straddled him trying to unbuckle his belt when his ride came, then he was gone. I put the children to bed, put the food up and loaded the dishwasher before going to my room reaching on the top of the closet shelf for the toy box. Afterward I felt even worse. I went to sleep but before I looked at the notifications across my phone, there were three friend requests from people I didn't know. What Jachin had said made me look at my friends list and I knew of everyone. He was crazy anyway. I declined the new ones, someone immediately sent another one. I had to be at work at ten the following day but Trudy would still be out of town so the next morning I called several people to see if they could come and watch the children, Serenity, my pastor's daughter finally agreed to and loved Ava, she was only 16 but responsible and lived in the next circle. When she arrived I was still wet from the shower, I told the kids to pick up their toys, let her in and finished getting dressed. Instead of the polo work shirt, I put on the button down but omitted the makeup.

"Bronson didn't show up this morning so I have to work customer service," Zoshia said when I made it to the store.

"What u do for Thanksgiving? ? U brought me some pecan pie?"

"A whole one."

"I can't wait until my break, I didn't cook, I got too loaded Wednesday night, we ate tacos for Thanksgiving." Tacos? I told her Rod came home, she didn't catch my drift at first but it was obvious when she did, she bucked her eyes,"Where ole boy was!?"

"There."

"Bitch u playin with fire."

"Ain't nothin goin on between us."

I put my ID number in the register after Elaine removed her drawer and wiped the belt with Lysol spray thinking about Rod wondering if he was headed back over seas yet. He couldn't text me from the phone he carried. I was in total LaLa land when Jachin came in, I had been marking down items on aisle 3 wishing Zoshia was at her register to redeem myself, I couldn't take advice from a hoe but she was telling the truth. I put the scanner in my cart and turned to walk down the aisle but looked up and right at the man who had just shown up at my house. "U decided to show cleavage today?"

"Don't show up to my house anymore, I don't wanna have to move, ok."

"Ok, I won't if u don't want me to. I told u it was a holiday and I just wanted to talk, my sister killed herself on Thanksgiving. My mama still ain't got over it, she cry all the time so we moved here to start over and I don't know anyone yet."

"That's not my problem."

"Are u mean because u are unhappy?" "I'm not mean, get what u came for and leave." "U can't be seen talking to your brother, I came for u?"

"We have security."

"They don't even see that u make it to your car safely, what are they going to do?"

He had his hands in the pocket of the brown leather coat, the wool around the hood matched his skin tone. I noticed he had no shopping cart."

"Did u just come to get on my nerves! Stop harassing me at work ----and home!"

"Ok. Give me a hug."

"U DON'T GET IT!"

"I get it, that's why I won't leave u alone. U are soft, u don't know that do u? After so long they don't tell u that, or that u taste like honey, not even u are gorgeous because they want u to automatically assume they feel that way when it actually has the reverse effect."

"Get the fuck out."

"The store is open to the public. Let's go to my place, I'll bring u back before its time to go home."

"I CAN'T LEAVE BUT U CAN!"

"Japonica, I know u enjoyed the hug, we can just talk. I'll reimburse u for the hours, I'm sure it has to be accounted for."

"U don't know shit!"

"I know more than u think. Come on, I'll be in my car, the store is almost empty, people don't buy many groceries on black friday."

"Didn't u come in to buy something?"

"This is the only day of the year I WON'T buy anything, find out what it means. I'll be in the car, I wanna tell u about my sister. She was pretty like u."

I couldn't remember the last time Rod had said I was pretty.

"Where is your girlfriend, my friend Zoshia is single, go to customer service and say hi." "I'm into virtuosity not promiscuity. I'll wait for u in the car Japonica, button your shirt." I asked him to leave me alone and was serious, I needed to figure out what the hell that meant and couldn't do it with him HARASSING ME! Was he in love with his damn sister? I was not leaving with him, besides he lived with his MAMA! He stopped at customer service and stood in line, there were two ahead of him. I walked to the break room and texted Zoshia, I wanted to know what he would say to her, he had just told me he wouldn't buy anything! I watched him from where I still stood in the door and had started straightening items on the shelf, I saw Zoshia's whole demeanor change when she spotted him and recognized her flirtatious smile as she greeted him. He wrote a check, I called him a liar in my mind! I waited to see what he bought but she handed him a rain check before he walked out. "Where are the cashiers!?" the old man asked while I walked back toward the front, I pushed my cart to the side and ran to my register. Looking out the entrance doors as a customer came inside I saw Jachin's car beside mine, what did he want! He needed to just leave! After I waited on three customers in a 30 minute time frame Zoshia came and said, "It's slow, Bronson said clock out."

"WHAT? I NEED THE HOURS!"

"GIRL NO U DON'T!" I wanted to ask what Jachin bought because she didn't mention it voluntarily and it seemed like she wasn't going to. Why did she want me to go home? Oh, he was waiting on her now, I understood perfectly. I agreed to leave, went to the break room for my coat and handbag and clocked out. I walked right past the Infiniti and hadn't started my car because I didn't want him to know I was leaving. He rolled down his window, "Well I guess I'll follow u. I'm free all day, my mama still out of town." I didn't say anything, but got in my car and headed toward the police station, he followed. I pulled in the parking lot, he did too. He rolled down his window, "U leaving your car here to ride with me?" When I opened the door to get out he said, "U can do a restraining order online Japonica Mack, get in so I can do one and show u how."

"I HATE U! WHAT DO U WANT!"

"WHOA, DON'T CRY ABOUT IT, I LIKE U THAT'S ALL. I WANTED TO MEET U!"

"DOES IT MATTER THAT I'M MARRIED? DID U HEAR THE CONFUSION IN MY HUSBAND'S VOICE! U CAN'T LOVE ME LIKE HIM!"

"I PROBABLY COULD DO IT BETTER. I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET U, U ARE NOT AS STRONG AS I THOUGHT U WERE. I'LL LEAVE BUT I NEED A HUG, JUST BE MY FRIEND, IM SORRY WE GOT OFF TO BAD START!"

"I DON'T HAVE MALE FRIENDS!"

"U HAVE 1856 of them, that's not true. When can I sketch u?"

"U CAN'T SKETCH ME! I AM COLD, GOODBYE!" "I already did. U getting in or not?" I saw police officers coming and going, "U are not in danger, why are u here?"

"BECAUSE MY FATHER N LAW IS A POLICE!"

"Damn, u talk to your in-laws? Get off of your feet, sit down, we can talk right here."

"DID U HEAR ME?" The thought made me get back in my car, I drove off, he followed. When I pulled to the red light a half mile away my church member Danielle called on messenger, I answered because I knew she was rescheduling choir rehearsal but she had never called from the new profile, she had made several posts from it but always called me from the old one. "Hello?"

"Park at your job and get in the car with me."

By then I was furious, Jachin? Son of a—he had stolen her pictures and had been liking all of my posts! He had to tell me what he wanted, I had accepted that request way before I had even saw him! After pulling into Shop N Save's parking lot, I parked my car while he boldly followed me! People were already talking, someone had even told Rod my baby boy wasn't his but he knew it wasn't true! I needed to put an end to this shit, I opened his car door and got inside, "JUST DRIVE AWAY, WHO THE FUCK ARE U!" "Jachin. Put your seat belt on, u smell like sex and pecan pie. And your natural scent was on me all night, I couldn't sleep."

"NEXT TIME TAKE A SHOWER."

"Ok Japonica, next time I will. I live 6 minutes away."

"Don't say my name!"

"I'll whisper it in your ear then."

I reached for the door handle while we were in the 55 mph speed zone, "I know u would hurt me before u hurt yourself, depression makes u hurt others before yourself."

"Are u depressed Jachin?"

"Maybe but my cure is the cause, can u relate?" Jachin was too intriguing to not wanna know who he was, neither one of us had told Rod he was my brother and I only felt guilty for hugging him, it was still infidelity. We arrived at the big red brick home on Kemp, the house was already decorated for Christmas. "Where are your children?"

"I don't have any, only a niece, my sister's daughter; and I'm not married that's why, I'm only 27, get out lets go inside."

The home was lovely. I was curious about his sister and saw a picture of a young girl, brown skinned like myself and asked if it was her, "Yea, she was 18. That was right after she graduated high school. I miss her, her name was Destiny."

I wondered why there weren't any recent pictures of her but knew they had recently moved there, maybe they weren't finished decorating.

"U can come back here, I'm glad I got somebody to talk to." Hesitantly I followed him down the hallway to the den, "U gotta take off ya shoes, sorry."

I did and saw the hole in my sock, I tried to hide it, he laughed. I was nervous because I was in his home but innocently, I tried to relax still looking around for pictures of his sister. "What u wanna watch, sit down."

"Oh, I only watch cartoons but we need to talk, I don't want to watch t.v. right now. What do u want from me?"

"Friendship, what did u do when I left your house?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! WHY?"

"U left home, I was just wondering. Come closer to me."

He had sat beside me and flipped through the movie channels, but had seen every movie. How did he look so well off but watched movies all the time? "I only watch cartoons when my niece visits. My sister's best friend Olivia is raising her. She's been dead three years, not to the day yet but on the 28th. What do u do for fun?"

"Nothing, spend time with my children."

"We should go to the museum."

"MY CHILDREN AND I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITH U!"

"Why not, I'm their uncle."

I stood up, he grabbed me by the wrist, "Ok, no museum."

"U ARE CRAZY, TAKE ME TO MY CAR."

"U JUST GOT HERE. RELAX, IM A GOOD DUDE."

"WHY ARE U SINGLE THEN?"

"When my sister died I didn't have time for a relationship, my mama needed me more so she had to go. I had to make Mama better and I'm still trying. Let's drink."

"I don't drink."

"Yes u do, u got drunk for your 22nd birthday. Just one so u can loosen up." He left out and came back with two glasses of ice and walked to the bar, "What do u want." "A wine cooler." "They're in the kitchen, go get it from the refrigerator." That moment was when I let my guard down, I walked to the kitchen, located the Seagram's wine cooler and by the time I had consumed the whole thing Jachin seemed like a friend, he had a funny side but his words impacted me brutally, the delivery of them would make me uneasy. After another wine cooler he asked if I was ready to go, we had discussed a few different topics, but I mainly wanted to know why me.

"U different, perfect body, smart and loyal."

"Are u trying to make me disloyal?"

"No I'm trying to make u loyal to me."

He stood up, "Come on, I owe u 22 dollars for 2.3 hours of your time, but u owed me $66.10 so the way I calculated it a kiss would completely eliminate the debt. How much do u charge?"

"Im not a prostitute, Zoshia would have sold u one."

"I can't bring her to my mama's house."

Those words punched me, I got up and walked toward my shoes on the other side of the door, he followed and picked up the store sponsored slip resistant shoes and handed them to me. "My kiss, how much?" I often wonder if that was the mistake that opened my eyes, but I didn't say anything and looked at him almost giving him permission to kiss me and he took it like I had given him the green light. I hadn't expected him to part my lips with his tongue, the gin was on his breath and his lips weakened my knees, when he grabbed my head with his tongue in my mouth I tried to push him away. "Damn, I ain't kissed in so long---u ready?"

"For what? Oh! Yea."

"Now I can sleep, I haven't slept well, I felt bad about coming to your house after your husband came in. I'm confused though, why did he think I was your brother?"

"Long story, I'm ready."

"Not a good explanation but ok. Will u visit me now and accept my request, I wanna see u when I can't see u."

I would do no such thing, and I told him we couldn't be social media friends! He took me to my car, I went home to my babies. On the way he elaborated more on his sister, she had gone to the Military after high school, "My mama had a bad feeling when she joined but at first things were good, she got pregnant and had my niece, then shit started going downhill, she went through a lot and just couldn't take anymore. The gun she "used" to blow out her brain was a powerful one, she didn't even have a head so we had to remember her how we had seen her last a year before." No wonder he needed a friend I thought to myself, he had already experienced what I feared. She was his only sibling. Now I sympathized but his kiss had unraveled me, I had never kissed another man. As always when I felt convicted I prayed, but Grandma always said that u have to resist the devil for him to flee. I found out the more I prayed the more temptation followed me around. I saw Jachin a few nights later, he had come into the store earlier that day and Zoshia noticed how I seemed less agitated with him now. I found myself looking at him directly in the eyes while we greeted each other, I think I may have even smiled a time or two.

"I need to talk to u," Zoshia turned around and said with him standing there, "How Rod doin?"

Jachin never took his eyes off me, "What time u get off?"

"I close."

"OK."

He paid for the asparagus and left out, "I'm disgusted with u!"

"It ain't what u think Zoshia."

"Girl u showing ya teeth, u don't grin at these niggas! Please get yaself together." She was pissing me off! I wanted to clock her and clock out, but stayed. "Your pie is in the car."

"Bitch!"

We laughed. When I made it home I paid Serenity and as soon as her mother picked her up and drove away Jachin arrived. I panicked, he was taking it to too far by coming to my house! He got out and walked to the door where I still stood, the sleet had started falling and he wanted to come in, "Can we talk? I need to talk to somebody. I miss u, please don't make me wait another day to talk to u, why are u ignoring the messages but didn't report the profile?"

U can't stay long, my babies are here asleep. I knew they all had the tendency to get up in the middle of the night so I decided to go to the bedroom. He stopped at the bar, picked up Rods shot glass and poured Brandy while I waited in awe, stricken by his audacity. He came in my bedroom behind me, took off his coat before looking around, spotted Rods leather chaps hanging on the wall and laughed, I was embarrassed for my husband. Instead of sitting in the chair he sat on the bed before I did. I still stood up, "What's on ya mind Jachin?"

"U. I missed u."

He reached for me, I backed away. "Sit down."

"Look, I was about to go to bed!"

"Ok, but u ain't dressed for bed I sketched your nose too big."

"Lord Why Me!?"

"Sit down, please." I sat down, he touched me when I did, I stood back up but he did too, "I aint waitin on my hug no longer."

He grabbed my waist, and pulled me to him, I melted. His excitement scared me while his hands roamed but I couldn't push him away, he was kissing my neck and I wanted to reach for him but instead I pushed his chest. "Leave."

"U don't want me to."

He backed up and sat on my bed again, this time pulling me with him by my hips and laid back before pulling me on top of him. "I can't." He grabbed my fingers and put them in his mouth.

"U gotta leave!"

"Take the shirt off."

Jachin was pinching my nipples and I felt his erection under me, I was fucking up. I broke loose and told him he had to leave again. He covered his face with his hands and sat up before saying "Ok."

His lust was clinging to me, his ass needed to be in an asylum! When I heard movement in the kids room I got scared, "Ok, I'm leaving," he said disappointingly.

When he stood up he grabbed his coat, "One more hug, please. Damn I already gotta leave like this." He had grabbed me again and his grip on my back was tight while he pressed me against his body, "I know u wanna give it to me," he said in my ear.

"U off tomorrow, call the babysitter and come get in bed with me, the door will be unlocked." "Please leave."

"O.k. I'll be waiting. U gone walk me to the door?" I did but far behind him and said goodnight, I had let shit get out of hand. After locking the door I went back to the bedroom to immediately get in the shower and Rod had come on the screen, "BAABYYY! Where are u? I miss u! Damn, I know I was wasted, I left the shot glass beside the bed?"