Before Korea

We need to go back to my early high school years... I was living in the second capital, actually, It was supposed to be the capital but didn't end being it. Anyway, my parents decided to move on the countryside. That didn't make me pretty happy. You see I have been living in a big city and we suddenly decide to move to a small little town on the south east side?! I got so mad for that. My whole future was planned by me in my town. At this time, I didn't know anything about Korea. Perhaps, didn't have a big interest. I had a small interest for China, because I was Chinese myself. You see I was raised like a caucasian, pretty white wash kinda. When I moved, I had a better education and got bullied by the others to my low life new school. They were, I guess, jealous of me. I always had the answer. I built this reputation of smart ass. That wasn't my intention, I just had the answer to the question.

At the same time that we moved, my boyfriend, that I thought was my soulmate, broke up with me. I was so shocked I forgot about some details and learnt them again when I read back my messages. He broke up with me because he had found someone better than me. I ended up hoping that we could go back together as he told me that if he had an interest again he would tell me. He started ghosting me when I tried to talk to him. It got really hard and lost trust in man. I closed myself. I didn't want to trust anyone there. I wanted to be independent. I didn't believe in man anymore. He broke my heart the rest of the year my eyes were blunt. I didn't have much emotion and tried to prevent from smiling. I don't like the attention and I was annoyed easily by the smallest thing. My trust got torn apart and I didn't feel like anyone deserved it.

My new school didn't feel right and fun. I only had fun when I was playing music. Music was my escape. I was working hard on it. I was having fun learning new songs. I had fun performing them. I was feeling myself. No solos, just having the feeling of belonging. If I didn't have this, I felt wrong and bad. I didn't feel like being alive. You know, not that I wanted to die, I just didn't feel myself enough. I just didn't wanna be alive. It's weird to explain but yes. I didn't know that's how I felt until...

Second year of high school, the taste of death got to me. I felt like dying and I didn't feel good in my skin and wanted to tear my skin apart. It was a hard time. I didn't feel like I even belonged on heart. At that time tho, I got close to someone who had an interest in animes. I got tied up with them. She had a tragic story too, you know. She told me about herself and about her experiences. She helped me a lot and I am really thankful. She got in me the interest in more asian culture. I wanted to learn about their traditions. I am thankful for my best friend. She had the same feels, she didn't feel like she had to be alive. We lived so much together. We've been through some shit together. She helped me getting through the life. She was there and she knew how I felt. I will never be as thankful towards her as anyone else. We have a bond and she is prolly my soulmate in a way.

I am thankful for the summer. This summer was great. I made new encounters. They were nice and I started working. I got better at hiding my feelings. I got better at smiling. It was a nice nice summer for me. I was happy with it. I hung out a lot with my best friend. We never got tired of each other.

Third year of high school, in between all of this I went through a break up that ended up being such a drama. It was worth a Netflix show I swear! It's fine now, we are friends and we agreed about forgetting about this hard time for both of us. This year, I tied old links with old friend and didn't want to be alive but was less bad. I got into kpop. This really saved me. I owe kpop. The whole thing got me out of it. As I watched lives and/or listened to their music and/or their games, I got better and felt better. I finally got interested in my own heritage. I finally got tied up with Korean culture and started to learn their traditions. I wanted to know more. I wanted to feel what they felt on the stage, the excitement. At that time, I got somehow lonely too. I didn't feel good. I never did. As I saw how close they were in the group, I craved for that closeness. I wanted their bond their friendship. I wanted the excitement of sharing the same passion and working toward the same dream. I started envying those people. I wanted it. There was born a passion. I wanted that so bad.

The summer I started working on my dancing and on my singing. I asked for help from people to give me feed backs. I focused on all the thing I needed and it felt good. I felt good about focusing on a dream that I knew crazy. I really enjoyed the feeling of working on something for a dream. For a secret. It felt wrong but so Still it felt like a relief and I started obsessing. This was the best of my life. The new friends I made that summer were incredible and I loved them so bad. We hung out a lot and it felt great to not being stuck at home with my parents. I was happy to have friends again. I felt a bit better. There's the time I got the idea and finally ended up sending my audition.