A yesterday before tomorrow

Perspective : Conrad Garnier

After we prayed, the air hung heavy with a silence that spoke volumes. I simply stood there, surrounded by the somber faces of everyone around me, my lips sealed shut and my voice lost in the void.

Regina, her eyes brimming with sorrow, broke the oppressive stillness. Her voice trembled as she struggled to find words that could encapsulate her disbelief.

"Can't believe he is now dead,"

she murmured, her voice a mere whisper carried by a gust of grief. Her emotions were palpable as she continued, her voice tinged with a bittersweet nostalgia.

"I feel like it was just mere moments ago that we ate together,"

Regina revealed, her words laced with sorrow and a yearning for the familiar. The weight of time's passing pressed upon our hearts. As the reality of his absence settled upon us, Regina's tear-streaked face became a tableau of grief. "And now he is buried here,"

she managed to utter through sobs, her words intertwined with the pain of loss. Each syllable reverberated with the anguish of finality. In that very moment, a surge of self-loathing engulfed me. The rawness of the occasion was a mirror to my own internal struggle, as I always harbored a sense of disdain towards myself for this detached disposition. It was that unsettling feeling of being out of sync with the world and its emotions. Even in the face of death, I couldn't help but sense my own inadequacy and my uncanny ability to accept life's bitter truths without visible anguish.

I never had a hard time accepting that. No matter how serious of a situation it was, my mind just accepts it, It never rebels, It never tries to contradict what just happened. In this type of situation, a person that is not me would have a hard time accepting reality. Initially, they would be like,

"I don't feel like he died..... as I just spoke to him just yesterday."

Their words tinged with disbelief would mirror the disbelief of their hearts.

"How could this be?"

they would question, their thoughts struggling to grasp the enormity of the loss. They would shed genuine tears for that person, as they would really have a hard time accepting their death. And as time moves on, their wounded hearts would gradually find solace and learn how to cope with the weight of grief. I want to experience that. I want to feel how losing a person closest to me actually feels, and yet I fear that I won't feel anything, like normal my mind will just accept the facts the way it is, without resisting reality. And yet, I could do nothing about it. It was out of my control. Nothing, accept being ashamed of myself. I don't know whether it was that I didn't care or was it that the person in question didn't matter to me much. But one thing I could say was that I am a shitty person, both in heart and soul. I couldn't respect people even after they pass away, after they had done so much for me. I just couldn't. I want to, yet I couldn't. I couldn't simply cry in their grave, remembering them, hinting them that they mattered in my life. The weight of my inadequacy loomed heavy, just like that day when I stood before my grandmother's lifeless body. As everyone, including my Mother, My Father, My uncle, and My brother cried for her, I stood there in a state of internal turmoil. Wanting to cry, yet the tears were frozen inside my eyes, as the coldness in my heart had somehow frozen my emotions. It wasn't her, My Grandmother loved me. It was me, an ungrateful monster that couldn't even honor someone's passing that really mattered to him. The shame of my own shortcomings haunted me.

It wasn't that, Keira's death mattered to me that much, It was just grim scenes were reawakening long buried memories.

But, Yes It was awkward.

Thor Gild spoke as he looked to his grave, his expression distant and pensive.

"He was a dependable man,"

he uttered softly, his words carrying a mix of respect and gratitude. He continued, the memories of their shared experiences lingering in his voice.

"He saved me, I would never forget that."

The weight of indebtedness colored his tone, a recognition of the profound impact Keira had on his life. Patrick joined the conversation, a hint of nostalgia in his voice.

"Ohh...yes... He was also a great adventurer, a pretty unique one at that. Controlling golems with his Magic, gotta tell ya it was unheard of."

The marvel and admiration in his words spoke of the awe-inspiring abilities possessed by the departed. Thor Gild added, his voice heavy with a mix of admiration and remorse.

"He wanted to liberate his fellow brothers from slavery. Alas, he couldn't do it anymore."

The dreams of freedom and the unfulfilled quest for justice hung heavily in the air. The more I stayed there, the more I felt out of place. That's when Elkdrack whispered to me, a hint of mischief in his voice.

"Shissh! Conrad! Let me show you something."

His words carried a sense of intrigue, beckoning me to follow him and escape the somber atmosphere. I asked, my curiosity piqued.

"What is it?".

As I followed him inside the monastery once again, anticipation mingled with uncertainty in my voice. He said, a knowing smile playing on his lips.

"That got hella awkward, didn't it?".

His remark hinted at the awkwardness and discomfort we both experienced in the presence of others' grief and the weight of the occasion. I nodded in agreement, a shared understanding passing between us. Elkdrack recognized and empathized with the conflicting emotions I was grappling with. Then I thought, maybe he too suffers like I do, but then again, it's Elkdrack we are talking about – it's more like he doesn't really care. The doubt and skepticism crept into my thoughts, reminding me of his nonchalant nature. I told myself not to get ahead of myself, cautioning against jumping to conclusions or projecting my own emotions onto others.

Regina too followed me soon after, her presence adding an air of scrutiny to the scene. She simply stood there, her expression seemingly filled with judgment, her silence speaking volumes. "Hmmm,"

Elkdrack remarked, a hint of dismissiveness in his voice.

"Those two were pretty sappy. I mean... I barely knew the guy."

His words held a touch of Indifference . Then Elkdrack turned to Regina, his tone tinged with sarcasm and amusement.

"You too... acting sappy."

He teased, highlighting what he perceived as a display of unnecessary sentimentality.

Regina retorted, her voice carrying a mix of exasperation and superiority.

"Well, that's called socializing. Something you two can benefit from."

Her words held a subtle critique, suggesting a belief that Elkdrack and I lacked social skills or understanding.

Which was kinda right, but quite offensive, yet I didn't fully disagree with her either.

Elkdrack replied, his voice filled with defiance.

"Not me... I can do without all the pretending. If I don't care... I don't care."

His words carried a sense of authenticity and a refusal to conform to societal expectations of emotional expression.

"If I don't care... I don't care,"

he continued, his words laced with a touch of gender bias.

"Acting is more a women's cup of tea. Throwing fit, being unnecessarily dramatic and all that."

His remarks suggested a stereotypical view of gender roles, implying that women were more inclined towards artificial displays of emotion.

Again which, I kinda agree.

Then he said, his tone unyielding,

"Men prefer to show what they are outside, they are the same on the inside."

His statement carried a hint of generalization, positing that men were more transparent and consistent in their true selves.

Which was true.

Regina replied, her voice betraying a mixture of offense and defiance.

"That's a pretty bold accusation against all women,"

she challenged, seeking clarification and demanding that Elkdrack retract his statement. "Are you calling all of us pretenders?"

she pressed, her tone sharp.

"That we are inherent liars?".

Her words challenged the sweeping generalization made by Elkdrack. Elkdrack replied,

unyielding in his stance.

"Yes, quite certainly."

His response showed a steadfast belief in his assertion, refusing to back down or soften his viewpoint. Regina, losing a bit of composure, fired back with anger.

"The gall... you take that back! you".

Her voice carried a mix of frustration and indignation, demanding an apology from Elkdrack. Elkdrack, undeterred, responded with defiance.

"No... All women have ever achieved is..."

as his words trailed off, his intended statement left interrupted by my hand gesture , leaving a sense of the conflict and tension that had built up in the moment. As the squabble threatened to escalate further, I interjected, diverting their attention towards me. Clearing my throat, I asked Elkdrack, attempting to steer the conversation away from the heated debate.

"Ahm... Ahm...What did you want me to see?"

Elkdrack responded, his tone dismissive and perhaps slightly annoyed.

"Yeah right...".

His reply suggested a desire to move past the conflict and return to the original purpose of our interaction.

Then we noticed Regina giggling, her laughter filling the air with lightness and joy. I asked her, curiosity piqued,

"What happened?".

Regina replied, her voice tinged with a mix of awe and amusement.

"We went through so much, survived such odds,"

"Yet here we are bickering for the most silliest of things. Isn't that astounding?".

Her words carried an underlying message, highlighting the insignificance of our current disagreements in the face of our shared journey.

I replied, a sense of realization dawning upon me.

"Yes... you are right."

I agreed recognizing the trivial nature of our arguments.

"That's just us... classic,"

Elkdrack interjected, his tone suggesting a combination of self-awareness and acceptance. His words hinted at the recurring pattern of our interactions, as it always happens.

"You know what? that tells me,"

Regina continued, her voice growing more resolute.

"No matter what happens, no matter how strong the storm is, if we three are together, we can weather it."

Her words conveyed a sense of unity and unwavering trust, emphasizing the strength of our bond.

As she said, confidence filling her voice,

"Even death would have a hard time facing us."

"Look at us, we are all together, three of us, just fine .... what are the odds".

Regina's words carried a touch of bravado, expressing her belief in our collective resilience and indomitable spirit.

I replied, offering a slightly tempered perspective,

As not to get ahead of ourselves,

"Exaggerated! but you are right."

"Just don't jinx it,"

I added, a hint of superstition in my tone. My words carried a hope-filled warning, emphasizing the delicate balance of our positive dynamic and the need to protect it.

Elkdrack, that slimy bastard, chimed in with a hint of mischief,

"Couldn't have said it better myself?".

His words held a lighthearted undertone, suggesting a desire for his share of the camaraderie and perhaps even playfully alluding to shared resources.

Then he spoke,

"You know me... If we are such great friends.... let me have a cut of your share".

Regina, a touch disappointed by Elkdrack's comment, voiced her disapproval.

"That's it. Don't overdo it."

Her tone carried a mix of frustration and a desire for him to not disrupt the sentiment of the moment.

I, expressing my disappointment to Elkdrack, said, "You ruined it. You ruined our intimate moment with your greed."

My words conveyed a sense of frustration and disappointment, highlighting Elkdrack's tendency to disrupt tender moments with his self-interest.

Regina, joining in the critique, added,

"But that's just like him, isn't it?".

Her words carried a mix of resignation and acceptance, suggesting a recognition of Elkdrack's consistent behavior.

I agreed with her, affirming her statement.

"Well said, Regina."

Then we had a moment to ourselves, amidst the haunting ambience of the "Weeping Forest," where we sought solace and distraction from the harsh truth lingering in our minds. Deep down, we couldn't ignore the unsettling possibility that not all three of us would return home safely. As the weight of our situation sank in, a realization struck me like a lightning bolt.

Elkdrack had casually mentioned a cut, but my curiosity nagged at me. A cut of what exactly? Unable to contain my intrigue, I asked,,

"You mentioned a cut...,"

hoping to unravel the mystery. Elkdrack's face transformed with a mix of surprise and temporary memory lapse, as he sheepishly admitted,

"Ohh, I forgot there for a second. That's the reason I brought you here..."