Not Again

Crash

Kelly's looking down at the bed, but I can still see the little lines she gets on her forehead that always make my stomach clench.

"You don't have to come to my place if you don't want to. We can work at Tommy's. But Dan's approved a couple hours a day as long as you're, you know, working with us."

Why can't I read the expression on her face? I used to know all of them.

"Good idea," Tommy says, offering a fist for me to bump. "Your place would be better since my mom's around, but whatever."

"Kel? I'm serious. You can go to Tommy's. If you don't want to help me, you can still help him." There's a note of pleading in my voice that I can't quite keep out. Kelly's so pale. I can't tell what's going on her in her head. I don't like it.

"You'd prefer that," she says, still not looking up from the blankets over my feet.

"No!" I say, a little too loudly. I lower my voice. "I just meant, I'd understand if you don't want to be around. It's still a deal."

Kelly bites her lip and suddenly all I can think about is teasing that lip out from under her teeth so I can see it all plump and red.

"You heartless bastard."

I'm stunned. "What?" If I were standing, I'd take a step back. I might have anticipated fear; if Dan finds out we're lying, it's Kelly who will pay. I would have understood a reluctance to spend time together, or even awkwardness if she doesn't want to and feels bad about telling me that. Kelly is the kindest person I know.

But the sheer fury she's blazing makes me want to cover my balls.

She counts off on her fingers. "You lied to me, left me, lied to my friend so he'd dump me too, and then straight up disappeared out of my life like you never existed."

"I went on tour!"

"Uh, guys—" Tommy says.

"Oh, I know where you were. Do you have any idea what that was like?" She's still spitting whispers in case Dan's listening. "I went from seeing you every day, being a part of your world and—and having you in mine, to nothing. No one."

Tommy takes a step back. "So, I'm going to go."

"I'm sorry," I say and mean it. "I shouldn't have—"

"No, you shouldn't have," she says as Tommy disappears out the door behind her. "But I don't think you even know why."

I run a hand through my hair, massaging my aching head. "Of course I do. I was an ass. I know that." She bites her lip again and my chest aches. "Kel—"

"Now would be a really good time to shut your mouth." She puts her chin in the air."You had your say that day. It's my turn."

*****

Kelly

I square my shoulders and grip the end of Crash's bed so he won't see my fingers tremble.

"Do you have any idea what it was like?" My voice slides high at the end of the sentence. "Not only did I lose you and Tommy, but after that summer we had—I didn't even get a heads up. Zero."

"I told you it wasn't about—"

"Shut up."

He does. Still holding my gaze, he settles back on his pillows and motions for me to continue.

I plow on before I lose my nerve. "Imagine for a minute that I had dumped you—less than a day after that night." Crash closes his eyes, but I force myself to push on. "And then, I was gone. And you went back to school and had to tell everyone we'd broken up—try to explain a conversation you didn't understand to begin with. Try to answer questions you were still asking yourself—like what the hell just happened? And then, imagine how you'd feel if pictures of me with other guys showed up. Everywhere. On the news, on every corner of the internet. So no matter where you went, or what you were doing, you kept seeing my face. Not just my face—pictures of me with my arms around a different guy every few days. And right away, people look at you sideways, whispering when you walk past, laughing behind your back."

Crash drops his head into his hands. I steel myself. I will not feel sorry for him.

"And imagine after losing me, and your closest friend—with no warning—that everyone else you'd ever hung out with decided there must be something wrong with you. Because you'd been part of something good. And if I'd walked away from that—and I was getting paid lots of money and flown all over the country—then it must not be my problem, right?"

My breath catches. "Imagine that people cut out those pictures from the magazines, or print them off the internet, and put them on your locker, or in your bag. Or between the pages of books you were reading so they'd fall out when you weren't expecting it—" I want to cry, but force it back. "Imagine how it would feel to be the joke of the entire school when you didn't even know what you'd done wrong. And even your stepdad said you screwed everything up. And you didn't have any way to defend yourself. Because you had been part of something amazing. Something you thought would be there forever. And when I left, I took everyone with me. Until you were nothing. To anyone."

Crash's hands fist the blankets over his lap. His Adam's apple bobs.

"You did that to me. You left. I don't care how many songs you can write, Crash, or how good you sing. It doesn't mean that you're worth more than me—"

His head snaps up. "I never—"

"—and it doesn't mean I'm worthless when you leave." I grip the rail on the bed so hard it hurts. "And it definitely doesn't mean that when Tommy finds out what a liar you are, that you get to just walk back into my life and play the hero because you're feeling generous--or guilty.

"There's more to my life than you," I lie. "But letting you back in, where you can take the rest away if something goes down? I don't know if I can do that."

I can't look away. Having his intensity focused back on me makes me ache. So when he doesn't say anything, I huff and head for the door to Dan's room. But it only takes two steps to realize I don't want to talk to him either. So I turn again, toward the hallway.

"Kelly?"

I stop, still facing the door.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault, what happened. And the girls in those pictures? They were all set up by our publicist. It was just to sell more downloads. That's all. They were nothing."

"The problem is you made me look like nothing." I lock eyes with him. "I'll never forgive you for that."

Crash opens his mouth, then closes it and looks away, ashamed. And he should be. But I wish my first instinct wasn't to comfort him.

Am I strong enough to be the one to walk away this time?

I examine him, but in my mind I'm going back. Back to all the ways we were wonderful together. And all the ways he destroyed me.