Two Angsty Kisses

"Sure I can't take you to my place? Since it's cool with your brother that you're sleeping at Tommy's."

It was late, maybe around 11, and Rasmus drove her back from practice in his Subaru.

"You know, I met you yesterday", Liv stated and turned to him, smiling a bit hesitantly, "And they used to share that place."

This was the second time he had asked and the second time she apparently would have to politely decline.

"I'll just take you back to Tommy's then."

Nodding she sank back in her seat. This thing had not been bad necessarily, just weird. The calm and laid back manner in which Rasmus behaved was starting to come across as more off putting than charming.

They had met up after her training was done and he had bought her a hotdog from the local fast-food grill.

"Remember what I said yesterday about you and him being like family?", Rasmus asked and took a turn.

"Yeah?"

Her stomach knotted up.

"Sebastian's an idiot but he's receptive of moods and behaviours, still. What I'm getting at is... I didn't buy it either, not for a second."

Liv stared at him confused.

"What? Then why'd you say..."

"Well I had to help the poor man out, didn't I? He was clearly tortured beyond reason..."

She straightened up in her seat.

"Then you're both way off. Tommy doesn't care..."

"No, maybe not. But you do, don't you?", he interrupted, "It's not him we're reading, it's you."

Not letting her chime in he continued:

"No... Tommy's way too good at closing up, becoming a blank slate. His father messed him up real good like that, but you... You're like a puppy the way you act around him, everyone sees it."

Liv felt as if she had been punched in the gut and she was positive her cheeks were flaming.

"That's not true! I don't see him like that. Why would you..."

"Now please don't bother with that. I'm just excited to see what happens when Arvid comes back. When he realises his sister is so obviously pining for his best friend like a desperate..."

"Shut up! Shut up, you don't know shit."

Furiously she blinked back tears of shame. If they would not have been about to pull up outside the terrace house she would have considered leaping out the car door. Because he was right, he was right and he knew it. She had developed a crush on her brother's best friend and Thomas would never, ever see her like that and that made her feelings for him even more embarrassing.

"Judging by your reaction to my accusations I'd say I do in fact know shit."

Getting her training bag, stumbling out and slamming the car door hard she took a step towards the house but then hesitated, wanting anything but to face Thomas like this.

"Run into his arms, go ahead, tell him I was bad and mean. You still know I've said nothing but the truth."

Leaning on the side of the car he smiled triumphantly at her.

"You're feelings are so noticeable a blind man could see it, Liv. Tell me...", he laughed, "For how long? Since you were 13? 12? 10? Oh in that case it's just nasty. What was he back then, like 18?"

Liv was feeling dizzy. She did not know anything anymore, just that she wanted him to stop, really bad. To stop laughing like that, making her knees buckle under the crashing weight of her own shame. Thinking only of this and of how badly she did not want to feel like this pathetic little girl panting after her older brothers friend, she walked right up to him. They were standing close, so close she could almost feel his breath on her own face.

"It's not true", she said through her teeth.

"Prove it", he mouthed and smirked.

"Alright, I will."

Without thinking she kissed him, almost aggressively at first, and she felt him laugh against her mouth but at least he was not talking anymore. Rasmus kissed her back, teasingly biting her lower lip while pulling her closer.

"Get the fuck off her", an icy voice demanded and Liv ripped away from Rasmus immediately, spun around.

Thomas was walking up to Rasmus, looking rather murderous, but Rasmus shook his head and put up his hands.

"Easy Tommy! She kissed me, mate."

Thomas got still, quickly scanned her with his eyes.

"She's crying", he said hoarsely, "What did you do?"

"He hasn't done anything wrong", Liv cut in, "It's fine. I did... I did kiss him."

He backed off Rasmus, stared repulsed at her instead.

"I'll leave you to it", Rasmus winked at her and got back in the car, "You're a good kisser for your age, lots of potential. We should do it again sometime. Take care, pup."

Before either one of them could react or answer he rolled up the window and drove away.

"If you think you're going to stay here another night after that, pup...", Thomas spat after a couple of stunned seconds and stormed back into the house.

She followed him inside, feeling her own anger grow. He had no goddamn right or reason to look at her with that much disgust, to judge her. Not after being so cold to her yesterday.

"Hey, you said you couldn't care less if I went out with him!"

"Well I didn't think you would actually...!"

Realising what he was saying he stopped abruptly. Liv's eyes narrowed and she could not help but to leer at him, a euphoric feeling spreading from her heart. He did care.

"So you lied..."

Thomas looked crestfallen. It was the first time she had ever heard him speak without thinking.

"I didn't, no I..."

"Honestly Thomas! Why are you trying to make things more complicated than they have to be?", she said in a taunting imitation of what he had said to her the previous night.

"I don't! Listen you don't...", he staggered a bit, "You don't stand outside my place necking mine and Arvid's old friends!"

Liv snorted.

"Old friends? Must be some friend for you to neck his girlfriend then..."

He paled.

"They're not together remember! Regardlessly, Rasmus won't throw away what he has with Salma for you if that's what you're thinking."

"That's not what I was thinking at all."

"Then why would you see him, why kiss him!? Are you just trying to make everyone as miserable as possible?"

Liv's eyes widened and Thomas slumped down on the steps of the staircase, his last words apparently rendering him unable to stand. She could not for her life understand why he seemed so crushed and exasperated all at the same time.

"I'm the one making people miserable!? You know what, you've always been strange but these last couple days you've just been acting un-fucking-explainably - even for you! One second you care and the next you don't. You act all nice like you used to for a while, but then suddenly you change and it's like I'm the most disgusting thing and...", her voice caught, "You're fucking me up! You're driving me crazy!"

"I am?", his voice was shaking with disbelieving laughter, "And what do you think it is you do to me?"

Thomas knew he was teetering on the edge of fatal honesty again. Still he couldn't get the nauseating image of Rasmus and Liv wrapped around each other to stop flashing before his eyes.

He sat up, feeling reproachfulness emit from his entire body.

"Arvid's gonna murder Rasmus if you keep messing around with him. Then he's gonna murder me for letting you. So I advise you never ever so much as think about doing it again."

Liv let out an exasperated moan. It was always about Arvid. Just this once she had thought at least some of Thomas's protectiveness was on behalf of himself.

"I have right to a fucking will of my own, you know. I can see him, kiss him, hell I can sleep with him if I want to. I'm not in the slightest afraid of what Arvid would do."

Thomas got to his feet. All reason left him as soon as he heard her utter those words.

"And what I would do? That doesn't scare you? Because it should."

There they were again, close, too close, she knew it too.

"What would you do?", she asked slowly.

"If he touches you again... If he fucking thinks about touching you again..."

Thomas didn't finish, just stared her down. Both their cheeks were burning and he looked deeply pained, just as pained as she felt. His eyes were anything but stoic now but instead dark, wild and filled with something that made it ache inside of her and suddenly they were kissing and tugging at each other. Thomas kissed her, held her, touched her as if someone was going to steal her away any second, his movements so very eager yet still tender. The kiss with Rasmus had been nothing in comparison, just slimy and weird, and she could not believe she ever thought he reminded her the least bit of Thomas. They were desperate, moved as if they were starved or deprived of one another but he ripped away from her regardlessly, breathing shallow quick breaths.

"No. Shit, shit, shit. This can't be happening... This really can't be happening."

Liv gathered herself a bit, straightening up awkwardly. He had put his head in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I did that. It'll never happen again. See Arvid would... God he would..."

Agonised he pulled further away, moving towards the staircase.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to confuse you. I don't know what sort of shit Rasmus said to make you kiss him but apparently I'm no better."

"No! There's no- no correlation between this and what happened outside. He was just picking me up from football. I wish... I really wish I hadn't kissed him!", she said in a most urgent manner but he did not seem to catch what she was trying to tell him.

"Yes, well in a couple of minutes you're gonna wish we didn't kiss either. It was a blunder, a second of... of pure nonsense. I fucked up. Bad. I'm sorry."

She did not confirm that she agreed but just looked away, jaw clenched.

"Liv."

When she finally turned her face to him she looked hurt, confused too, but mostly just hurt and angry. Dark brows all furrowed and a bitter glint in her narrowed, brown black eyes. They flickered over him in disbelief.

"I apologise. What I did wrong and I take full responsibility for it. You're like my little sister and I should not have blurred the lines."

Liv flinched at that word and drew back too.

For some reason hearing him say that made something split with pain inside her chest, so she interrupted.

"Sure Tommy. Don't worry 'bout it."

He looked at her hesitantly.

"Lucky me though, right? Scoring two of my brother's mates within an hour. Some night."

"Liv... Listen here..."

She was already halfway up the stairs.

"Never you mind, Arvid. Oh sorry - Thomas."

In anticipation of his reaction she slowed down her steps and heard him draw in breath sharply.

"Really?"

"Sorry. It's hard to keep your brothers apart, you know", she said slowly, turning back around.

He was looking at her with a tortured expression, hands at his sides and his shoulders pulled slightly back, as if though there were chains around his wrists, preventing him from coming any closer to her.

"You know I kissed him to convince him I wasn't into you."

No reaction.

"Because he was accusing me of it."

Still nothing.

"Because he knows it's true", there was an almost tired note in her voice.

When he still said nothing she figured 'what the hell' and simply let herself go on throwing the hopeless pathetic truth on him.

"Because I'm into you. I'm so fucking into my brother's best friend who's too old for me and more importantly not in the least interested in me. It's exhaustingly pathetic that you're all I can think about when I know I'm nothing to you and..."

Thomas broke free of his invisible chains and took the steps up to her, his gaze vexed and dangerous and burning hot all at once.

"Stop that... Please. Were- Are you telling me you don't think of me as a brother?"

She just shook her head because she knew her voice wouldn't work properly if she were to speak.

"No? You don't think of me like Arvid?"

Instead of answering him this time she closed the last bit of distance in between them and kissed him again, even more aggressively than the last time.

Standing two steps apart they came up to about the same height. When she clung on to his body with hers he didn't pull away but instead hoisted her up, her legs coming up around his waist. Mouth wandering down the side of her neck to her shoulder he took the last steps with her wrapped around him.

"If it's true I need you to say it out loud, Liv. Just tell me, let me hear that you don't... you don't think of me like that. Like a brother, like Arvid. Please", he groaned and got surprised over how desperately demanding he sounded.

"I don't. I really fucking don't", she sighed as his mouth trailed kisses further down.

"God, if you knew... God, Liv, if you knew...", he breathed.

'Knew what?', she thought but couldn't phrase it because the way his mouth felt on her collarbones was too much. Thomas lowered her down on his bed and she pulled him down with her. He kissed her shoulders, stomach, then her legs, knees, right where her football socks came up to, making her tip back her head and get up on her elbows on the mattress.

"Why aren't you telling me to stop", he murmured in between the pecks with both marvel and frustration in his voice, "You should be stopping me, telling me I'm disgusting. Why wouldn't you..."

"Stop. Please stop", she gasped and he immediately backed off, cursed silently to himself.

"No. I didn't mean stop that. I meant stop talking like that."

Thomas did not seem to care, he breathed quickly again and shook his head.

"God. Shit. This is fucking madness. You- You can sleep here. I'll take the couch. I will drive you home first thing in the morning and we'll talk about this."

Liv looked surprised and annoyed.

"Is that why you carried me up here? To put me to bed?", she taunted.

"No. Well... Fuck, what? What did you think the plan was?"

She knew what he was insinuating and the way he said it made it sound as if the thought suddenly was disgusting to him.

"Know what, I'll take the couch", she muttered and got up from the bed, "Night, Tommy."

Her tone was icy and ironic but he did not stop her when she left the room. In fact he simply stood, fighting the urge to hyperventilate, for several minutes, the thoughts and impulses rushing around in his mind. Call Arvid. Kill Rasmus. Kill himself. Cry. Cry with happiness.

Revisiting his kisses with Liv every tenth second worked as a sort of intermission to the more brutal thoughts. Her soft gasps, how the back of her head had felt as he cupped it with his hand, how she had moaned and winced as he brushed with his lips over her stomach and legs. No. God, he was going to hell. Kill himself. Kill Rasmus. Call Arvid. Cry. That's how it went, over and over again until he was positively certain he was going to lose his mind completely.