Chapter 4

[Madelyn]

I watch Nick from where I'm seated in front of him at the kitchen table. He's chewing on the French toast I made him just a couple of minutes ago. It's probably gone cold now.

I still haven't confronted him. I keep telling myself that maybe he was just doing something important and he will confess himself, when he's ready. But he hasn't and it's been about a week.

Lucian left in a hurry last time as soon as I got a call from Nick telling me he was on his way home. But before Lucian left, he gave me a little kiss on my hand while he held it with his warm hands. And I feel guilty for the way my stomach was making flips and the way my heart was singing in my chest when his soft lips touched the skin on the back of my hand. I don't know why I felt that way...maybe hormones?

But it's not like we did anything! We just had some wine and North-Ocean really seemed to like him. She sat in his lap for hours while he played with her, gently patting her. And after he left- I got home a delivery from Taco Bell with a big order that was pre-paid. He bought me food even though I said I didn't want it- he knew I lied.

But the emotions building up inside of me aren't guilt. I mean...when Nick got home that night Lucian was here, he only asked me once what happened to my knees. I told him that I fell down the stairs. He just told me to be more careful and that's it. No suspicions, no- anything.

I clear my throat, yet another fail to catch his attention. "North-Ocean puked in our bed." I lie and look at him but he's only frowning at the phone in his hand. Not giving seven fucks about me or my cat.

"Did you say something?" He asks, his eyes never leaving the screen. I shake my head, then just sigh. I know he's mad. At me... for not making him a son. Do I want a kid? Yes, I eventually want kids. I love kids. Just not now. And I can understand why he's mad but I have to think about myself too. I don't feel like my body could take that kind of pressure- especially after what happened last year.

"Do you hate me for not wanting kids right now?" The words just slip out of my mouth before I even get the chance to realize what I'm saying. Finally Nick looks up at me. His eyes big. His lips parted. His phone now on the table with the back facing up.

"Honey, is this what you think? About me and this marriage?" He gets up from his chair and walks over to me. I'm holding my breath when he takes my hands firmly in his, giving them a light, playful squeeze. "I love you Maddie and there is nothing that could change my feelings for you." He smiles a soft smile. But his eyes- they are holding something. Some emotion I can't name. But it feels great to have him say those words to me. And the way my chest is rising makes up for the weird feeling in my stomach.

"I- I lo-" I gulp to stop the stuttering. I've never, ever told him that I love him. I don't know why I can't. It can feel so right sometimes but at the same time like a mistake. I mean- to some people they are just empty words. To me they have great meaning. To love someone. Love. That means you would do anything for that person, you would trust them with anything. Even your own life. But when you love someone- that means you have fallen. You have fallen in love.

Falling and love are two almost harmless words. But when you put them together they are the most powerful and dangerous ones. Cause to fall in love is to fall for the great dangers of love. You stop being careful around them because you trust them more than yourself. You ignore the red flags about them because you are blind. You have fallen and you are waiting for them to fall down with you. But if they don't, you'll be down there all alone, waiting for them to help you up or fall down with you. Because if they don't- you'll have to get up on your own... and that will be the hardest thing to ever do. Because you are now blind- so falling will feel like the best thing you've ever done.