What's in His Head

'If something so unpleasant and humiliating happened to me,' Andrzej thought 'I would be afraid that people would look at me differently, with pity, as if I were regrettable. I would be afraid that our relations would change forever, because they would look at me not through the prism of who I am but from the angle of what happened. I would be afraid to look them in the eye lest I see how poor and pathetic I am. Their pity would be torture.'

So no pity, he decided. False or true. Plain, harsh reality and truth. And if that doesn't help ...

He left, allowing Dominik a moment of privacy and sleep if he did. The actor knew where to look for him and that there was another man in the house who, if necessary, would become a buffer between him and the evil who wanted to catch him. He was hungry but had no appetite. His nerves were too troubled to swallow anything. He was not surprised Śliwiński that he did not want to eat. He sat down at the table, rested his elbows on the counter, and waited.

The soft sound of footsteps made him jump to his feet. His eyes registered the growing darkness. He turned on the light and went out to see if he had misheard.

Dominik was standing at the top of the stairs, holding onto the wall. He was breathing with effort, but his eyes were hard and determined. Andrzej was next to him in a few steps.

"You should rest. Go back to bed."

"I don't want to," he objected firmly.

There was a power in his words which indicated that Śliwiński was regaining his will to live.

"Hell, Paulina's going to kill me, but whatever," Nowicki resigned. "Come."

He took his arm and helped him down the stairs.

"Kitchen," was a silent command. "I'm hungry."

"Good," laughed Andrzej, feeling the tension drain away from him. A man who wants to eat wants to live too. Whatever bad happened in Dominik's head, it must have been all gone. Or at least it passed.

"Just not broth, I hate broth."

"Tsss, how picky. But you know you are not allowed to eat anything heavy."

"Just yogurt. I should have had some in the fridge."

Nowicki politely reached for the indicated product.

"This is the last one," he observed. "I'll have to ask Paulina to shop tomorrow on the way. Think about what else you will need. Your supplies look like they're about to get legs. "

It was a joke intended to point out how stale the items in Dominik's refrigerator were, but the joke wasn't funny. It was downright annoying because it indicated how long the actor did not look into the refrigerator and thus eat.

Andrzej was unable to understand how anyone could ever bring himself to such a state. But he could not understand by what right Marczak did not think of Śliwiński as the beautiful creature he was, and as a thing. There seemed to be a lot of things in this world that Nowicki found difficult to understand.

The photographer watched Dominik surreptitiously. The man ate reluctantly and seemed to be forcing himself to do so. It was as if one part of him wanted to escape into oblivion and nothingness, and the other understood the need to sustain life. Fortunately, something gave him strength to fight and motivated him not to become depressed. Whatever it was, Andrew was grateful for it.

"I'll put the kettle on," he offered.

Śliwiński looked at the window, behind which it was already night. Andrzej had no idea what was going on in the actor's head, but whatever it was, he was glad that something was happening at all. If he had remained in the stagnation in which he found him a few hours ago, as Paulina noticed, it would not have been possible without a specialist. Now the chance has opened that he will recover from his despondency on his own. Maybe with just a little help from friends.

"Marek said" Dominik said suddenly, drawing Nowicki's attention to him, "that it will be such a small party to show the French Polish hospitality. There were few people, most of them I didn't know. He showed me Baptiste's assistant and asked me to make a good impression on him, so they'll give me this role even without the casting. They saw my films and were satisfied, they just wanted to see what kind of person I am and whether they could work with me. The conversation was pretty nice and my French was very useful, especially when the French started hitting on me. I was not very surprised, because I had such advances before. Then the assistant told me that it was Marek who told him how good I was in bed. Marek even suggested that he try what I taste ... When I got the sense of these words, I felt sick. I don't remember getting home or ending up in my bed. All I know is that I had terrible dreams. It was only when you appeared above me, when I felt your touch, that I woke up from a nightmare.

He lowered his eyes and covered them with heavy lids.

"You were right and I didn't want to believe you. I thought…"

Cry, shout, curse - no matter, as long as you do not withdraw into yourself.

"If I had to count how many times I was an idiot…" growled Andrzej and shook his head.

Dominik's short story, closed in just a few sentences, shocked him for some reason. How could Marczak be so cruel to the man who loved him? Did he not realize that giving someone your own lover is a betrayal of that person? A betrayal of trust? Is this the behavior of someone who really loves? To hell with this whole Marczak! If only he appears before Andrzej's eyes, Andrzej will simply murder him. But to kill a cattle and go to jail as for a human ... No matter, as long as he was removed from Dominik's life!

Śliwiński did not need any disturbing thoughts now, however. He should, if possible, think of something to distract him from the memories.

"Yes, a terrible idiot," he repeated. "But not in matters of the heart. I've never been in love. "

"Never?"

"Never. It seems I'm scaring off the fair sex."

Śliwiński blinked his eyelids with exceptionally long and dark eyelashes.

"Why?"

"Don't ask me. Maybe Paulina will tell you this great secret of humanity' he smiled crookedly.

"She's a good girl. I like her."

"Mutually. She came running as soon as she found out that you were feeling unwell."

"I have to thank her."

"I'm sure she'll come by tomorrow too. As long as you are not one hundred percent able to dance, she will tire you with her concern. By the way, you really look bad. You're not going to faint here, are you?

"I'm not. But I don't want to go back to bed. I want to watch TV."

"I do not see the reason why you could not do so. Just… don't talk about it to Paulina, because she won't let me live."

"Okay," he agreed, and shuffled heavily into the living room.

He sat down on the couch, tugging his legs up to his chin, just like that night, and turned on the TV. A dull glow from the advertisements flooded the dim interior and his sad face.

Andrzej made a tea and went to the living room with two mugs. He set them on the new coffee table and went to get the blanket. He covered Dominik, whose sad eyes did not even have the strength to express gratitude, and sat down next to him. There was a colorful, English-language film on TV, to which Nowicki did not pay any attention, although he was staring at the screen all the time. He remembered sitting in the same way under very similar circumstances.

Only this time Dominik wasn't laughing. Maybe it wasn't a comedy, or maybe it wasn't his type of humor, but he didn't reach for the remote to switch channels. He stared at the image on the screen blankly, as if there was nothing there.

Colorful figures moved on the screen. Something blew up, someone was shooting at someone. Neither of them paid any attention to who to whom. They sat side by side, not too close. Their bodies did not touch each other, but they felt the presence of another human being. At least Andrzej was aware of Dominik. They didn't say anything, they just continued until Nowicki felt the actor's head on his shoulder. He heard a quiet, steady breath and when he surreptitiously glanced at him, he realized that Śliwiński fell asleep.