Christian Larsen

What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? 

What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? 

I thought she-? No! I messed up! I ended everything, which hadn't even started yet. The things I hoped for, I ended it all by my stupid assumption. How could I assume she'd kiss me in the first place?

She ran from inside, hell she even had a fucking panic attack because that bastard was about to kiss her. But turned out I wasn't any less bastard either. I did what he was about to do, and I broke her heart. I broke her trust. She trusted me! Even for the tiniest moment, she saw the real me, that is not usually visible to anyone except for those who know me the best. But lately, they're not meeting him either. He's been hidden in the shadows of LGC and getting deeper and deeper, lost and more lost day by day. But she saw me. She found me and brought me back. And I should've thanked her for that, but what did I do? I betrayed her. I broke her.

I broke myself.

I should've known, the moment I saw her panicking at the fact that Luke was about to kiss her, that she hadn't had her first kiss yet. It was there, all the clues, and still, I did what she was so scared of happening tonight. I made her fear come true. I became the reason for her broken heart. I couldn't help but notice all the water suppressed in the ocean of her eyes about to flow but weren't allowed to. She was strong, shattered but strong. She wasn't crying in front of me, she was crying on the inside. I knew that and that made me die right at that moment.

My heart is pounding in my chest, and my mind is racing a mile a minute. I can't believe what just happened, and the guilt is overwhelming. I've made a terrible mistake that I can't take it back. I could still see the shock in her eyes and how she pulled away. It was clear that she wasn't expecting it, and I had crossed a line. It's her first kiss, something so personal and meaningful, and I took that away from her without her consent. 

The guilt is like a heavy weight on my chest, suffocating me. I never wanted to hurt her, especially not like this. I should have been more aware and considerate of her feelings and boundaries. I should have communicated my emotions in a better way, maybe even just told her how I felt instead of attempting that ill-fated kiss. For a year and a half, I've harbored these secret feelings for her, and now, I fear I've ruined everything with a single, thoughtless act.

I've admired her from afar, silently watching her smile, her laughter, and her every move. I've longed for the day when I could gather the courage to confess my feelings, but I was always too afraid. And tonight, when she was staring directly into my soul, it all seemed so right. The stars aligned, and the atmosphere between us was charged with an unspoken connection. I can't help but feel like I've lost her, perhaps forever. I know how important first experiences are, especially something as intimate as a first kiss. I wanted to be a part of her life, but instead, I feel like I've pushed her away. 

The regret is eating me alive. I should have been more aware and considerate of her feelings and boundaries. I should have communicated my emotions differently, maybe just told her the truth instead of letting my impulsive actions ruin everything. Now, I'm left with the painful realization that I may have driven a wedge between us. The girl I secretly loved for so long might be slipping away, and it's entirely my fault. I need to apologize, to explain that it was a terrible mistake, that I never meant to steal something so personal from her. But right now, all I can think about is the sinking feeling in my chest, and how I wish I could turn back time to undo this mess I've created.

It's true, what she said, I already did enough. I should let her go and not follow her. But I can't just let her go all by herself at midnight with a bottle of whiskey in one hand. She already drank a lot tonight, and now she has a whole bottle. I let my impulsive thoughts win once, I can't let it happen again. Without thinking twice, I went over to my car, got in, and drove in the direction of her house. I'd probably find her on the way, at least that's what I hoped for. The air was frigid, mirroring the icy distance that had grown between us. As I drove through the dimly lit streets, my mind raced with regret and anger. How had it come to this? 

I was still driving down the street when I saw two grown men with a particular someone attempting to control her. In that high-stress situation, I felt a surge of adrenaline, increased heart rate, and a sense of anxiety or fear and I didn't know how to control it. Looking at such an intense situation, as much as I wanted to find her, a part of me hoped it wasn't her. When I stopped my car and got out, the men fled. I felt instant relief that they were no longer a threat. However, my attention directly shifted to the girl who had passed out possibly due to excessive drinking by looking at the shattered pieces of the bottle lying on the floor nearby. I can't be. Regret and guilt flashed through my eyes when I saw it was no one other than Josette.

Without thinking twice I wrapped her up into my arms and started walking towards my car. Good thing, she wasn't fully unconscious, she moved a little and also murmured a few words which I couldn't understand entirely but I did hear something like 'go away'. She probably knew it was me. "I'm sorry for what I did, it was completely unintentional, I promise. And no, no one is going away neither you nor I ever will. I'm never letting you go away, not in this lifetime at least."

Once we reached the car, I opened the door and helped her settle into the passenger seat, making sure she was comfortable and secure. "You're an ass," she whispered as I settled her inside. "I know and I'm sorry," I whispered back. After making sure she was buckled up and had her belongings with her, I got behind the wheel and started the car. My main priority was getting her home safely, and I knew that driving her was the responsible thing to do. But I didn't know if Audreya would be home yet to help her, and she probably wouldn't like me invading her personal space at least not after what happened. I was driving but I didn't know where I was driving to. I couldn't leave her alone after how many drinks she had tonight. 

After a minute of thinking, I decided. We're going to Sadie's. It would be safe and comfortable for her to have a female around and at Sadie's, I could watch over her too. 

As I drove, I couldn't help but steal glances at her. I focused on the road, trying to keep her safe without her realizing the watchful eye I cast upon her. I stole quick, furtive glances in her direction, careful not to betray my concern. The soft glow of the streetlights painted her features, revealing the carefree smile on her face, unaware of the world outside her inebriated euphoria.

Every swerve of the car and sudden stop at traffic lights sent a jolt of anxiety through me. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, silently cursing myself for not insisting on a cab. She continued to chatter, her words a jumble of incoherence, and I nodded along, feigning interest while my eyes darted between her and the road.

It was a peculiar mix of protectiveness and helplessness that I felt, knowing she was incapable of comprehending the risks of her situation. In that dimly lit car, I became the silent guardian, navigating through the night, my focus divided between the path ahead and the precious cargo beside me. She remained blissfully unaware of my silent vigil, lost in the haze of her intoxication, and all I could do was hope that we would reach our destination safely. "she's a bitch and I am pretty." She muttered and I chuckled. Even if I didn't know who she referred to in her first sentence, the second one here is true, there's no doubt of that. 

As I pulled up in front of Sadie's house, a sense of relief washed over me. The night had been a whirlwind of emotions and unexpected turns, but at least we had made it here safely. Glancing over at the passenger seat, I couldn't help but feel a knot of worry in my stomach.

The girl I had been longing to get to know better sat there, her head tilted to the side, completely unaware of her surroundings. The faint scent of alcohol hung in the air, a stark reminder of the party they had just left. She still smelled like vanilla, exactly how she was a few hours ago. I had never seen her like this before, vulnerable and unresponsive.

Now, the question arises, should I wake her up? Or should I pick her up in my arms as before and take her in? A thousand questions swirled in my mind, each adding to the situation's complexity.

At that moment, I realized that my feelings for her went beyond mere attraction. I cared about her well-being, and this night had taken an unexpected turn that I couldn't ignore. As I sat in the car, the engine off, I knew I had to make a choice – one that would not only impact the rest of their night but possibly their relationship as well. But that was not what I was worried about, I was worried about how she'd react in the morning when the memories of tonight would come flowing back all together.