Childhood (Part 2)

TW// Bullying, sexual harassment, mental illness, death.

“M-Mom, c-can you help me with this?” I said in a shaky voice, nervous. Scared that she might shout at me again. I gave her my notebook. It was an activity saying that I need to cut a paper that will look like a heart, triangle, and square.

She violently laid her cellphone on the table and then looked at me, “Why do you keep asking me? I told you not to talk to me.” I knew she would be like this again. Now I’m starting to grow up, I’m starting to feel like they don’t love me. They always have no time for me, they won’t call me when it’s time to eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner, they don’t help me at school, they don’t teach me things I can’t do.

They never hugged me, they never said ‘I love you, they never tried to comfort me when I’m crying. I… I never feel like they care about me.

I just nodded and stepped forward. I have been crying for weeks now when Mom said that I should’ve died. I don’t want to cry anymore.

I left the kitchen where Mom was eating. She wasn’t even looking at me.

I knocked twice on Nanny’s room. When Abuelo’s not around, I feel like she’s the only one who cares about me in this house. She’s like everything to me, A mother, a friend, and a teacher. She stays patient with me all the time.

“What do you need, Hijo?” She welcomed me with her warm smile. She bent her knees so she could reach me. I smiled and gave her a hug.

“I have an activity, Nanny....” I said softly.

“Okay, let me help you.” She caressed my hair and pinched my cheeks.

***

I was six when I found out that Nanny has breast cancer.

“Sir… I don’t think I can stay here anymore…” I could barely move from where I was standing when I heard that. She was talking with Abuelo.

“You’re the only one he has, Emy…” Nanny started to cry.

“I have breast cancer, Sir… I want to spend my time with my family, I don’t have money to—”

“I’ll help you… you will be fine again, just don’t go, he still needs you. You’re the only family he has in this house.” I heard her complain about Abuelo helping her, but she ended up agreeing.

I couldn’t eat. My world seemed to collapse because of what I found out. Why do I feel like she’ll leave anytime?

I couldn’t go to school because of that. All I did was to pray, I prayed so hard. I pleaded with God to give her a long and happy life.

I was seven when I was sexually harassed.

I was running really quickly to get my ball, but I spat when I hit a man. I stood up quickly, said sorry to him, and ran again to get my ball.

But I got shocked when the man I hit earlier ran to take my ball.

His hair is all white, he was wearing a loose shirt and shorts.

“Hey, is this yours?” He said while smirking. He looked kind but his smirk creeped me out.

“Y-yes…” He tried to give it to me but when I was about to reach it, he took it away. Then he laughed.

He handed the ball to me before letting out a laugh. “I’m just kidding, do you want some candies?” He sounded trustworthy so I agreed.

We walked until we left the court. I don’t know what time already but it’s kinda getting dark. We were already walking for 15 minutes but we haven’t found a store yet. I could almost stop when our path was narrow and dirty. I hardly knew what to do because of the darkness.

“Uh... I-I think I should go home….”

“Shh…” He pulled out his tongue, it revealed his piercing in the middle of his tongue.

“You know what's more delicious than candies?” He whispered in my ears and I can now feel him licking my ears.

“Hmm, do you know what it is, kid?” He moaned in my ears. I almost threw up because of that, I don’t know what to do! My tears started to fall as soon as I panicked.

“My c*m…” I spat at him and kicked him, this is disgusting! What is he doing?! I want to go home already!

“Nanny! Abuelo!” I shouted as I tried to escape him. I saw the anger in his eyes because of what I did.

He pulled my hair and pushed me hard. I cried more when I felt the pain in my back because it hit the wall as he pushed me. He pulled down his pants and revealed his d*ck. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. I was stunned when he started touching himself. I couldn’t take this anymore.

“I want this to be inside your butt…”

He moaned again while maliciously looking at me. I closed my eyes and covered my ears.

“Hold this…” He said while pointing his c*ck.

“No!” I shouted as I stood up and tried to run away.

He pulled my hair again and tried to touch mine, he started doing things as I cried out loud. I can’t be helpless this time.

I was shaking, trembling, and panicking. I don’t know what to do.

I bit his hand that was holding my neck and when I jumped up I kicked his cock. He looked really in pain, that’s why I took the chance to run away.

“Run quickly, kid! I’ll fucking eat that!” He shouted. I don’t know where I am going, I just ran, ran away… I was still shaking and panicking, I felt like fainting.

I felt helpless and started crying again.

“Stop, Hijo… Abuelo’s here… someone saw what he did, he’ll rot in that fucking jail.” Abuelo cried behind my back while hugging me.

“I-I’m… s-scared… Ab-buelo.”

“Abuelo’s here, I’m sorry, I’m too late.” He cried more.

“I’ll stay with you, Hijo. Don’t be scared… I’m here.”

***

I was eight, when… Nanny died.

“I’m sorry, Hijo. I can’t stay any longer,” Her tear dropped in her left eye. She looked weak, her lips were almost colorless.

“No… this isn’t what you promised,” I held her hand and squeezed it. God, please. I’m begging.

“You’ve been a good boy, Travis.” I closed my eyes as my tears fell.

“All I did was to cry, Nanny… who would wipe my eyes now?”

“It’s time to use your hands, Hijo…”

“Who will be my mom now, Nanny?” Her tears fell more. Her sad and tired eyes say she’s in pain.

“Thank you, Hijo. Thank you, Sir…” She smiled sadly at Abuelo. Abuelo just nodded and smiled a bit, he looked so messy right now.

“I’m proud of you, Hijo, You’re a strong little kid… Promise me, you'll still fight, okay?” I nodded quickly. I went to her and gave her a tight hug. A hug that may be the last.

“It’s 12:00 am, Hijo. Happy birthday… p-please, live a happy life…”

“Nanny!” I cried out loud.

She no longer responds. My Nanny has already passed away.

“Time of death, 12:01 AM.”

A minute after she greeted me, she died.

***

I was nine when I got bullied because of seeing a Psychiatrist.

“Zalvatore Crazy! Zalvatore Crazy!”

I don’t know what to feel. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh.

I just let out a deep sigh and ignored them.

“Hey! How does it feel to be crazy?” Someone asked.

“Why are you asking me?”

“Just because you’re crazy.”

“Doesn’t mean I am seeing a Psychiatrist, I am already crazy, and what if I am crazy?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t you know that crazy people are the strongest ones? They’ve fought a lot of battles before becoming like that, they didn’t become crazy just because they wanted to, they became one because of hard battles. You don’t know how it’s so hard to be out of control, to be out of your mind.” I said even they can’t understand what I am saying.

“Crazy people can be treated, don’t humiliate or judge someone who has been going through a lot. You’ll never understand how much they suffer until you’re the one experiencing it.”

“Instead of bullying me, better listen to our teacher and teach yourselves how to be kind.”

As usual, they filled me with a bucket of water and trampled on my uniform. I didn’t react, I just let it happen. I don’t care anymore.

And again, they got suspended.

***

Everything started to get better when Abuelo took care of me, he let me see a Psychiatrist and get me treated. I am now healing but there are still days I will experience panic attacks, anxiety, or depression.

Every year I started becoming better.

The one who sexually harassed me was already in jail. Nanny was already at peace. And I am healing.

Until I no longer see a Psychiatrist.

Until I can sleep without a nightmare.

Everything takes time to heal.

All thanks to My Abuelo, Nanny, and of course, God.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hello there! This chapter is an eye-opener for all of us that also men got sexually harassed. If you’ve ever experienced this, we’re all with you, you are not alone, and you are heard. If you experienced this, it doesn't mean you’re weak, it’s not your fault. It’s not the victim's fault. No one would get harassed if there’s no harasser, no one would get raped if there’s no rapist. For those someone who’s experiencing any kind of mental illness, please, hang in there. Ask for help, don’t ever think you’re alone, because I am with you, we are with you. We’ll get through this together. Your feelings are all valid. You are worth it, you are important and you are loved. You may not know, but there’s always someone who’s proud of you. Life may be dark but there are stars who will shine, and remember that stars won’t shine without darkness. So please, hang in there. You are almost there. Be patient with yourselves and don’t stop loving yourselves. I love you, we’ll get through this together. I will always be proud of you. :)