Contribution: Hetalia Snippet (6) The Four Arrows Pt.1

Hetalia Snippet #6

Previous Snippet here

Title: The Four Arrows Pt.1

*A wooden plaque is held up by string that says 'Katanga meets the Four Arrows' in broken Russian.*

*Scene changes to show a young Katanga as he eagerly sightsees the swampy terrain on an old paddle steamer traveling down the muddy Congo River. He has the form of a small African child wearing a brown cloak several sizes too large for him and a copper necklace around his neck.*

Katanga: "Habari* or Hello! I am Katanga and I've been invited to have tea with Mr. Russia and Ms. Ethiopia in New Moscow. To be honest, I never formally met either of them, so I'm a little nervous. But, I've been told by my boss that it's a big honor to receive an invitation from our benefactors like this, so off I went."

*Scene shifts to a flashback of little Katanga hiking eastward through the savanna towards the German colony of Buganda near the African Great Lakes, but stopping after seeing a huge wooden fence topped in barbed wire. A strict looking Germany is inspecting the horizon on a guard tower before spotting the curious Katanga in the bush. The Teutonic power doesn't seem particularly happy to see the young African polity so near the border of his colonial sphere.*

Katanga: *Irritated grimace* "Unfortunately, Mr. Germany was not in a pleasant mood and told me to leave his property. Looks like I'm taking the long way to Ms. Ethiopia's place. Hence, my decision to go down river to the Atlantic. At least I nabbed some of the jerk's pretzels when he wasn't looking hehe."

*Montage shows the paddle ship tirelessly moving down the Congo river as Katanga passes the time playing cards, talking to other travelers, and fishing on the deck of the large boat. His mouth is stuffed with German pretzels in one of the shots.*

Katanga: "The detour wasn't so bad. The crew were nice and I even met some of Mr. Russia's friends along the way!*

*A strange man comes on board while the boat is docked near a small fishing village. He's tall and is wearing a richly embroidered Toghu robe covered in orange and red geometric shapes. Without saying a word of greeting, he approaches a wary Katanga. Even more strangely, he wears a wooden tribal mask. He finally reaches the nervous Katanga but gives him a huge basket of tropical fruit, much to his cautious delight.*

Katanga: *Confused shudder* "I met Mr. Cameroon on my journey and he was really nice! And weird. Just...so weird…"

*Cameroon stares at nothing for hours on end as he chews on some strange bark while Katanga plays in the background. Katanga finally realizes that while Mr. Cameroon has a healthy appetite, he never sees the man take off his mask - ever. When they later eat some river fish in the boat's mess hall, it seems like the food in Cameroon's bowl disappears bite-by-bite every time Katanga blinks his eyes. The boy looks visibly creeped out at the end of the meal, but the enigmatic figure just pats him on the head and then proceeds to go on deck to stare at nothing again for another few hours. Katanga cowardly sleeps under the covers to feel safe."

Katanga: "It looks like Mr. Cameroon was also invited with the rest of Mr. Russia's friends to the tea party. They even have a name for their weird club called Slavic Africa. I think it's a weird name for a club. What's a Slav? I wonder if it tastes good?"

*In another stop, a new nation comes aboard as they approach the mouth of the river near Moanda. Obviously European based on the color of his skin and his wavy brown hair, the gruff man is dressed in military apparel and seems uncomfortable being there. He nods his head to acknowledge Katanga, but seems more interested in talking to Cameroon. However, the new stranger looked positively pained as he greets the masked man.*

Katanga: "The second nation I met was Equatorial Guinea who recently ran away from Spain's home. He wasn't part of Mr. Russia's club, but he did do business with them. It looked like he's main business partner was Mr. Cameroon because they were neighbors, but I get the hunch that the Spaniard wished he could deal with someone else..."

*Katanga witnesses them having a painfully awkward business deal in the port town of Moanda on the Atlantic coast. They meet up in a small hole-in-the-wall eatery to eat seafood.*

Equatorial Guinea: *After several seconds of silence* "So mi amigo, are things good for you?"

Cameroon: *Still as a statue* "..."

Equatorial Guinea: *Forced smile* "How are your borders doing? I heard about the war refugees pouring into your land. Sorry to see that. I have personal experience with the horrors of war so I can share in your pain..."

Cameroon: *So totally still that a small parrot lands on his head and begins to roost in his hair* "..."

Equatorial Guinea: *Forced smile becomes faker* "Hey, how about a drink on me? You like Spanish wine right? It's the best in the world so of course you will like it."

*Equatorial Guinea almost desperately pours some wine on a small wooden cup and pushes it towards the corpse-like Cameroon. He completely ignores it and now the parrot laid some eggs on his scalp.*

Equatorial Guinea: *After some more awkward seconds pass in silence* "Listen Cabron. Let's just cut to the chase? Sounds good? You give us a lot of food and we will send you ivory, oil, and cocoa in return. Not only is that good for your development, but your jefe Russia will probably like it as well. Suena bien?"

Cameroon: *After some excruciating seconds, he returns a slow thumbs up in reply*

Equatorial Guinea: *Blinks in confusion and notices that both Cameroon's cup and the bottle of wine is now empty. He stares in shock as Cameroon burps loudly through his mask. The parrot's eggs have miraculously hatched on Cameroon's head and the mother parrot tears up in maternal pride*

Equatorial Guinea: *Not even trying to hide his mental exhaustion as he covers his head* "Oh nuestra madre, what even are you?"

Cameroon: *The parrot chicks are practicing flying off his frozen thumbs up* "..."

Katanga: *Narrating* "We only just made it to the ocean, and already I could tell this trip was going to be longer than I thought..."

---

Habari = hello in Swahili.

One thing that always annoyed me about Hetalia is how little focus is given to Africa. I figure the author deliberately avoids talking about the continent because he wants to avoid the topic of European imperialism at its worst. To be fair to the author, I agree that it's hard to make the Scramble for Africa funny while also staying respectful. But obviously, I'm not managing a major webcomic here so I have less limitations holding me back.

Katanga's overly large cloak was a gift from a Russian orthodox missionary.

The bark that Cameroon is chewing on is iboga which has healing properties but is also poisonous if taken in large quantities. He can speak multiple Western languages fluently and has a doctorate in Polish literature.

Equatorial Guinea is just trying to survive dammit.