Iris 3

"Hello and welcome! You may know me, I am Iris Kyle Figueras and I'm already dead. If you are watching this video then you are to join me as I go over my reasons. Sabi nga ni Kris Aquino on her former game show that I am in love with, game ka na ba?" The smile I have plastered on my face has been the smile I am wearing for the past few months. That small smile that makes people believe that everything is alright even though it's not. A fake smile. "Before I go over with the reasons of my demise, I want you all to know that what I will say in this video is nothing but facts because why will I lie? Why will a dead gay guy lie? What would my rotting corpse get with lying? What you will hear is my side of truth but then again, who values truth nowadays? You all value those that are convenient regardless of the veracity. But differ me, my dear folks, I will only share with you my side of truth. So ano? Simulan na natin?"

"If you are someone close to me or my family, you probably have been into our house as our family is known for their love of bringing visitors to our home. And if you have been into our house, you would know that the center of attraction of our living room is not the dangling chandelier on our ceiling nor the high-valued porcelain figurines and wares. But an intricately designed decal on one of our walls."

Compared to the other rooms of our house, our living room has got to be the coziest. My Mom took it upon herself to design our living room when the house was built and she likes it warm and welcoming. Sabi niya kasi, people judge others' house by the living room kaya dapat it's as comfortable as it can be. And true to her word, yung living room ang most raved part of the house ng mga bumibisita sa'min. Even Paul likes staying in our living room.

"But if you happen to be a random human being who stumbled upon this, then let me tell you that the decal on our wall states that *Family is where home begins*. But I have question for you guys, where does home starts for broken families? Doesn't that turn home into just a regular house?" Homes can be found on houses but some houses don't have homes, it always takes more than just a house to build a home. By far, these two are the most disconcerted words I have encountered with. People tend to not know that there's a fine line separating the two words. "You might be thinking, why am I talking about our decal? No, do not think that I will teach you the basics of Interior Design. I'm not into interior design that much. Shocking right? So going back, anong connect noong wall decor sa pagpapakamatay ko? Well, that is because my first reason on why I made an appointment to meet Death right away is because of a family."

I pulled out a picture from my wallet and showed it in front of the recording device. "You are the first on my list, Jonathan Figueras."

"You may know Jonathan Figueras as the man of the decade for he has been recently awarded of the title by a magazine widely known all over Asia. He has earned fame due to his significant contributions to the world of business and is now at the top of that steep pyramid. He also currently heads the electricity distributing company where we pay our electricity bills. Pero bakit nga ba s'ya, isa sa mga maimpluwensyang tao sa bansa, naging isa sa mga reason why I killed myself? Bakit naging rason sa pagpapakamatay ko ang sarili kong ama?" Have you ever felt that feeling where you have tried to hide a dark secret of someone and be able to share it to others? Parang naalisan ka ng bato sa dibdib 'di ba? It feels light and refreshing. "Up until you see this video, I bet you believe that we're a perfect family. You prolly have seen us grace the covers of various family-themed magazines. You might be admiring us and dreaming that you would want to have the same family when you grow up. We might be your ideal family. But I'll let you in on a secret; we are not perfect. We are only being pictured as the perfect family but we are damn not. Sobrang layo namin sa pagiging perpekto. Kasi, if we are perfect, then I shouldn't have helped my father hide to my mother the series of cheating he did to her."

My mother has raised me quite differently from a normal boy. I don't know, maybe she already has an idea of my gender preference as early as that. Hindi niya ako pinilit to play guns and balls, she let me play what I want to kahit pa play kitchen 'yan or dolls. Instead of forcing me to watch animes like Ghost Fighter or Voltes 5, she joined me as we tread through the journey of Card Captor Sakura and even imitate her as she summons her infamous Clow Cards. I am in love with Card Captor Sakura so much that she gave me a set of clow cards, Sakura's key and staff as my birthday gift. She raised me with the tales of Disney, she raised me to believe that everything is made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, she told me that happily ever after exists. I learned through her the value of morals. But what's ironic is, I wasn't able to apply the morals that my mother taught. I grew up to be a mama's boy yet I hid the biggest secret that Mom should know.

I was around eight or nine years old when I first witnessed my father cheating, unknowingly. I visited him at his office alone dahil wala ang Mom noon due to an event she was busy organizing tapos doon ko una iyong nasaksihan, I found a woman sitting on the lap of my father and they were kissing fervently. She was straddling on top of him like how a jockey straddles his favoured horse. I knew the woman, she was an officer or something to Dad's company. When they saw me, they just stopped kissing but the woman didn't bother to leave the lap of my father. I remember asking him what they were doing pero wala syang sinabing sagot, tinakot lang ako noon ni Dad na kung may maka-alam na iba ng nakita ko, he would take Mom away from us and that I would never see her again. I would lose my mother if I tell this to anyone. Ako, na walang alam sa mga tunay na nagyayari at takot malayo kay Mom, eh napatango na lang habang nanginginig ang binti at naluluha sa takot. It was at that very day that I became part of his evil scheme.

"Jonathan Figueras has been cheating over my mother for almost a decade. He ia cheating to Anastasia Rose Figueras upto this very day. What's even worse is that I knew it all along and yet wala akong nagawa. How imbecile of me." I laughed humorlessly as tears started flooding my cheeks like a faucet left open. The camera has seen me wiping away the tears but new sets replace the wiped ones, they just don't stop. They effin don't. "I lived through hell because of the lies I have weaved for you, Dad. There were times na gustong gusto ko na umamin kay Mom but I would remember how much she loves you and I could only imagine how devastated she would be once she finds out your betrayal and I can't bear that, hindi ko maatim na makitang masaktan ang Mom. I wasn't lying because of my fear of you my so called father. I was lying because I fear for Mom. I fear of what the truth will bring her. I wasn't protecting you, I was protecting my mother from you."

I remember, every now and then, isinasama ako ng Dad tuwing umaalis siya. Sinasabi niya kay Mom na magbobonding lang daw kami ng kami lang dalawa which I actually believed nung una una pa lang. That makes Mom happy, she likes the idea of her child and her husband getting along so well. Who wouldn't want naman to bond with their father 'di ba? And me, being the clingy kid that I am, loves the idea of going out with your father.

I was ecstatic with the first few instances, I remember feeling like a kid being given a cauldronful of sweets during Halloween. I was radiating of sunshine but that didn't last long. I started dreading the day he would tell Mom that he is bringing me out for the usual father and child bonding. Naisulat ko pa nga yata iyon sa things that I don't like part ng slambook nung isa kong classmate sa highschool, she didn't take the answer seriously though at inakala na lang na I'm just taking things lightly. How I wish.

The father and child bonding happens every month and it lasted for up until three months after turning 13. It's a day where my Father and his lady of pleasure meet freely and sexually satisfy each other under the pretense that my father is with me as we fortify our filial relationship. Father brings me with him and he and his lover will meet at random hotels outside the metro to go incognito. As I pour out my heart to the recording device, the memories are swarming back to the top of my head as if I was someone with an extraordinary gift of retention, naaalala ko kung paano akong umiiyak sa isang gilid ng receiving area ng hotel room namin habang dinig na dinig ng mga musmos kong tenga ang mga ungol nila. Imagine a young child hearing the man who made him pleasure himself with someone that is not your mother. Imagine the agony I went through. Imagine the emotional torture that I have gone through at a very young age. I underwent through months of hearing those awful sounds hanggang sa isang araw, I think I was 11 that time, tinakasan ko si Dad and I spent my time by myself. I was alone at a strange place, with no one and no where to go to but I felt better. I was alone but it didn't made me feel lonely. It rather made me feel alive, free and relieved.

Then after I turned 13 up to this very day, my Dad grew tired of using the father and son bonding so he started using his companies as his excuse. Siguro tumigil na ang Dad sa pag-gamit sa'kin kasi tumigil na din ako sa pag-cooperate, I learned how to say no and decline. I was not the kid he was able to blind with fear anymore, I was no longer the kid who would let himself be an instrument to do acts of evil. Binago na ako ni Dad, and it was not for the better.

Tumatagal ng ilang araw sa isang linggo ang pagkawala ni Dad at ang nasa isip ni Mom ay busy lang ang asawa niya sa trabaho and all those shit. But I knew better. Nahuli ko na nga siya one time eh, a few weeks ago lang ito actually, my friends and I went to Tagaytay for a staycation kasi. Lumabas ako ng unit namin noon to observe the surroundings of the building when I saw a young woman pinning a man who definitely looks older than her a few feet away from me. Call it a gay's instinct, but I knew that what I saw is trouble. And I was right. Ang tatay ko nga ang lalaking kahalikan ng isang babaeng halos pumasa na as my twin sister. I saw the shock in his eyes, I had it in mine as well for a second but I hid it right away and sported a neutral gaze. I share the same damn floor and the same damn building with my damn unfaithful father! May mga pagkakataon talagang magiging target ka ng biro ng tadhana, and Fate never joked lightly. I didn't let him talk to me when he tried to, sinabihan ko lang siya na I am with my friends who can bust his dirty secret and they might see him. That made him and his lady of pleasure scrammed away from me.

"Sinubukan kong intindihin ka sa ginagawa mo Dad but I couldn't come up with any logical and rational reason behind you bedding different sets of women aside from Mom. Why? Why did you do it?" My voice trembles as I sought for answers from questions left unvoiced. What if hindi ako pumunta nun sa office ng Dad, would things change kaya? What if hindi ko nalaman ang mga nalaman ko, would I still result to killing myself? Hayy. Indeed, what if's are the hardest question one would answer because there's almost no way for you to answer it. "Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan mong manatili pa sa side namin Dad kung hindi mo naman na pala mahal ang Mom. You didn't stay for us, that's for sure, so why? If you fell out of love, then bakit kailangan mo pa kaming paniwalain sa kasinungalingan? Hindi ko makuha Dad and the sad thing is, I have already given up on my chance of understanding you. Hindi ko na malalaman ang side mo. I wouldn't be able to hear your side, your thoughts, your explanation."

"Sabi nila, your family would be your first foundation towards a better future. At ngayon, habang ginagawa ang video na'to, I now know the reason why I gave up on the challenges of life: I had a seemingly strong yet weak foundation. The facade is impeccable ngunit inaanay ang loob."

I wiped away the tear and composed myself as I stared right through the lenses of my recording device. "I want you to know Dad that what you did to me is etched on my mind up to this very day. You did things unthinkable. You made me doubt the concept of love and fidelity, you made me question the morals I have been selflessly taught by your wife, you forced me to know that the world is evil at a very young age. You have exploited me. Funny thing is, the very person who is supposed to lift you up towards greater heights has initiated your downfall. You killed my youth. You started the snowball effect, Jonathan Figueras."