Why me?

New post in "Introverts life guide" from the owner "The extrovert introvert":

[Do you know what? I lie a lot..

To you less... To myself more... To everyone else, a lot more...

I love it when someone defends me, but hate it even more that I am not capable of defending myself..

Let's make a promise. One day, even if not an extrovert, we will still become individuals who speak our minds...

#action #talking #advice #quite #introvert 2025/06/19 ]

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I am not in a state where I can receive reassurance, since now I am responsible for someone else's life, too. Therefore, for the first time in the 14 years that I had the blog, I used the comments disabling feature.

A blog where people slowly but exponentially started to gather. Where I felt like I could talk with like-minded people. People who understood. Individuals who would not criticize me for who I am.. for complaining.. for not being perfect...

People who are not expecting me to be perfect. Anonyms seeking mutual understanding from each other. Something one couldn't find in the real world...

My small comfortable world. Somewhere I could be the little weird me who could see things and not be called a disappointment... Where I was allowed to be selfish... A place where I could give all the explanations I never gave due to not having the opportunity... Where I was, for once, told not to care.

I lay down on my back, looking at my phone again. Usually, I would only post once a day but thinking about the incidents of the day, my fingers started typing automatically..

Click click...

[ Why me?..

I was always the most considerate!

Why should I always be considerate of others?

Why can't they, for once, be the ones to consider my feelings?

Why am I always asked to consider others' feelings?

#why?]

[click!] And sent.

I closed my eyes without being able to sleep... Tonight I was told I should consider other's feelings. That I was a selfish person who loved no one but myself. They didn't even ask why I was there; didn't even ask why was my head bandaged. No one asked about my studies and they did not introduce me to their new in-laws as a family member. 

When I saw Diana and Theodore, I said my condolence only to get introduced by Theodore as a school friend and for my sister to get introduced to me as his fiance.

I don't think I will ever forget Diana's golden eyes burning with hate and Divine's similar-colored eyes with coldness. What had I ever done to deserve this?

None of my family members present showed any sign of familiarity as I met them on my way out. I was only called out, in the middle of the night, to get slapped and called a heartless, selfish person by my father while getting icy glares from my mother. To get my things thrown to my face and to get additional baggage to deliver to my new address.

Talk of additional luggage. I got one at the funeral too. Luckily, he wasn't the one casting hateful glares. Not even the mischievous one who wanted to call me "aunt", or the one prone to throwing up. It was the bold one with eye colors similar to the divine ones. However, unlike them, his eyes were as clear and bright as a morning dawn.

Looking at my empty ring finger another event came to mind. Tonight, I was also called unworthy of being loved and deserving of the hate I received.

When I finally placed the shattered glass of my heart in the driver's seat and rode to Eun-Woo's house, he gave me yet another smash. 

"What is with your face? Did you expect your sister to thank you for cheating on her with her fiance? Or did you expect Divine to reward you for being in contact with Theodore all these years?" he took a hammer and started smashing everything that was left with a cold piercing tone.

He had been so good today that I almost thought of him as the childhood friend whom I once was close to. During these 8-9 years, I had become quite accustomed to this version of him, bombarding hurtful remarks, every time the opportunity raised or he was in a bad mood.

 Usually, I would have just listened. Thinking of it as a punishment for ruining what he loved, for the piano. However, in the presence of the TEENAGER, I was supposed to teach how to be a decent human being. It was just too embarrassing to bear.

"I'm riding!! Could you please stop it?" I tried to prevent him from ruining my image any further with a desperate voice.

"If you don't want to listen, it is never too late to get out of my car and get lost!", he said in a in a coldly and indifferently.

We were already at his gate. So I just parked in front of his house. Then turned my head to him and placed his keys on the dashboard in front of him.

"Can he stay the night? As you could see, there was no room in my apart-.."

"-No, I can't share my house with a stranger!" He cut my words, as he firmly denied it.

"And leave the ring... I just got it cause there was no way they wouldn't become suspicious. As you may already know, I am pursuing someone else, so I hope you didn't misunderstand it, thinking I got it for you...Or thinking that I still have feelings for you. I will get us another appointment and call you!" He added, looking at the ring I was still wearing and said in an icy voice.

Of course, I knew. Who in the entire hospital didn't know how crazy he was about her? An outgoing and kind person with a warm personality. Also, a childhood friend and his father's business partner's daughter. 

Blip, Blip...Blip.

"What are you doing?" he said, seeing I was indifferent to his words, on my phone.

I turned my head to him again, showing my phone. I was looking at where the cab I had called was. It would arrive in 2 minutes. 

"Isn't the dorm just 15 minutes away from here?" he asked, looking my way, frowning.

"Lucas, get off. Were the baggage yours?" I called to Lucas and ignored his question. I wasn't in the mood to entertain him anymore. It was unfair that I couldn't hate him. Damn, that evil fairy.

Pressing the trunk button, I took off the ring and put it beside the keys. Then got out of the car and opened the trunk. Lucas, who was already beside me, took out one of the baggage. I took out the other one.

"Is this everything? " I asked him, with a confused frown.

"Yea." Lucas said, unfazed.

Our cab arrived. So, showing the digital receipt, I asked the driver to open the trunk. Loading the pieces of baggage we got on the cab. 

"Could you please take us to Hotel XX?"I asked the driver.

Passing by Eun-woo's car, I saw him still in his seat looking moody. Now, what is with his face? Did he want me to beg him to let Lucas stay? Should I have gone on my knees? Or should I have cried my eyes out since he loved someone else?

Trying to forget about him, I started explaining things to Lucas. 

"I am moving so my place is a total mess... Can you stay at the hotel alone?" I asked, feeling an unfamiliar feeling. Something a little awkward, a tiny bit endearing, a bit anguishing, and a lot of heavy. 

"Sure." 

His response made me free from the breath I was holding in.

Exhale...

"Umm, we are moving a bit far away for the summer. There might not be any markets or other things nearby..Or even a phone signal... I mean, think if there is anything you might need and text me." 

"Are you gonna dispose of me there??"

[Beeb Beeb] The chauffeur was so shocked hearing that he almost went out of line.

And I was so surprised I almost choked to death.

"Cough, cough... Sire could you give your attention to your riding??? "

"No! Of course not! Why would you even think that?" 

"Then why would you take me somewhere that doesn't even have a phone signal??"

"Cause. I. Just. Inhered. it!" I spelled each word with force as I looked at him with rounded eyes.

"Wow, so you're poor!" He stated, referring to what Melissa had said.

"I got the expression the first time too, but you're one direct one, aren't you?"

"So what? Do you hate it?" he answered, looking at me from the corner of his eyes with an aristocratic and indifferent tone.

"No! The exact opposite, I like it!" I said as I got off the car.

As the chauffeur helped us to take out his pieces of baggage, I stretched out my hand to him.

"By the way, I'm Dawn. Let's get along well."

Instead of his hand, he stretched out his phone. 

"You know my name. Give me your number. I can't text you if I don't have your number!" 

Unfazed, I took his phone and saved my number "The pretty guardian". Then called my number once and stretched his phone back to him. As he was about to take it, I fastened my grip. He looked up at me with a brow up.

"I have paid for the stay and food for two days. You can order whatever you want to your room or go to the restaurant. I will probably be back to take you tomorrow night. Call me if you need anything." I said, looking into his eyes and then loosened my grip. Letting him take his phone back.

After accompanying him to his hotel room. I got a phone call from father, ordering me to come home immediately.. And I, just like the night I run away from home, had that feeling, that fear..

The fear of myself..