WAKE UP MONA!!
Inside the cells!
The door closed behind me with a bang, my mind raced again to try and make sense out of my existing but it failed terribly. My cellmates looked unbothered, and peaceful. In fact they felt as if they were home, like those four walls was their safe haven. They had gotten used to peeing standing awkwardly on top of the pail positioned in the furthest corner, eating pinches of unevenly cooked food, sleeping on the cold floor, and having no one to be by their side but I could never get used to constantly being mocked, being weak, being nothing, being helpless, being in all of these conditions they had grown fond of. None of that sat right with me, none of it made sense to me.
Everytime those doors came flying open, I eagerly waited to hear my name pout out of the officer's lips. Almost five times or even ten times in a day they did fly open, but not even once was my name uttered. Not that I was expecting anyone in particular, but a little hope in the dungeons went a long way for me at that moment, if only that hope could last longer.
Everything was good and then suddenly nothing was anymore, everyone was my friend and then suddenly no one was, but I could have sworn those KFC luncheons touched a nerve, those java cakes softened a heart, those late night phone calls meant something, and the bond with her son was undeniable too. Only all of this was now a vague wake of memories running fresh in my mind, burning torture and screaming triumph in and over my head, of how love once again had gotten bitter and sour.
Did love bear a price tag? And if yes, was this my price tag to pay? Did love cost a thing? And if yes, why was mine rotting behind bars? Furthermore, paying for a crime I didn't dare to commit? Did love have a formula to follow? And if yes, why was mine proving to be wrong?
END OF FLASHBACK
* * *
I heard voices again, only this time they felt a bit distant then in the midst of the voices, a soft calm soothing sound rhythmically making my heart beat flow. My cheeks warmed up to the sound and my eyes flew wide open to welcome that sweet sound warm-heartedly. "Mona? How are you feeling? Are you feeling okay Mona? Please say something Mona I'm here now, everything's gonna be okay." I felt a warm touch on my forehead, I could have sworn it was a kiss and a gentle hand sliding on mine intertwining with ease, like it was a perfect fit for mine, then suddenly I felt at ease and safe. My heart did that somersault thing arousing butterflies in my stomach. I clenched harder to the hand as I drifted back to a garden of black nothingness.
* * *
"ORDER IN THE COURT!!!
After listening to both sides; the plaintiff and the defendant, it is clear that a crime has been committed. In addition to that, the defendant did not provide sufficient evidence to drop the charges against her. It is therefore the court's final decision to convict you for theft by employee under article 36, section 2B and in accordance with the law. You will serve 7 months with no cash bail and subjected to community service. That will teach you to be mindful of your mouth next time. Next case!!!"
"No! No! No! No! Listen to me I did not steal any money not even a penny from her!! She's lying!! Why won't you listen to me??!! I wouldn't dare to steal from anyone. My mother never brought me up like that!! Please you need to hear me out, I'm innocent she just wants to punish me.... you don't have to do this please!!!"
* * *
It felt like the four walls were sucking in air and getting thinner by the minute. I wanted to scream loud enough to awaken the dead or hard enough to lose my voice or my mind whichever, just to relieve me off that pain that pinched my skin, that shame that slapped my face, those tears falling down my cheeks, and the weariness I felt in my heart. All of that was wanting but getting? Getting I got strange glances, judgemental looks and unwelcoming hands. Yes I did walk right into prison, only I wasn't sure if I'd last a night behind those bars.
My heart beat increased rapidly as sweat trickled down my temple profusely. Fear ran down my spine causing my whole body to shiver intensely. The door flung open and this time around my name was actually spit out, followed by that soothing soft sound I had heard before.
* * *
"Wake up Mona!! Shhh.... I'm here now, I'm not leaving you, I'm right here baby, I'm right here for you, and with you. I love you."
"I heard this weird dream, I went to court and lost the case to her, and the judge mocked me because she's her friend too. Then I went to prison and people just stared and scared the hell out of me. I got so scared I couldn't even move.
I feel trapped and I can't move on,what she did didn't just ruin my life, it ruined my mind. Everytime I close my eyes I keep reliving those three days inside that cell, and I thought this new job was going to be my rescue but everything is a trigger. I just don't know how to exist let alone live anymore. I don't know if I can trust myself to be okay after everything. I mean she knew I didn't do it but she still put me there, and I thought we weren't just friends, or employee and employer. Regardless, I didn't deserve all that torture and it's painful that it happened to me. I don't see myself getting out of this tunnel. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm terrified. Babe, I feel lost."
It was getting harder as days went by to draw the line between reality and fantasy, probably because part of the DONT'S became DO'S by force, and every concept of right was constantly distorted. I felt like I was weirdly existing in a space with no air, and every thing anyone spoke haunted me, like they were trying to arouse my demons. Thinking about all of it was what got me into hospital in the first place, but I just couldn't shut it all down no matter how hard I tried.
* * *
FLASHBACK
Fight! He said, we'll get through this, he said, you won't spend another night in there, he said, and at that point my hope had already been shuddered and shattered, it was over for me. I was already bracing myself to accept the reality of going to prison. In as much as I wanted to make peace with that, I couldn't. I needed just a plan to finally finish all of this misery, one last huge pinch of pain and it would all be over. All I needed was a master plan to execute my death, at least that was what my mind kept leading me to.