Plagued by illusion.

About 3 days had passed since I learned about why I'm alive, and how the world and universe operates. It bothered me still, I was almost confident that everything from the past few days had been a dream, It still to this moment feels like a fever dream at best. I tried my best to keep my mind off the subject, I needed to flat out forget about all of this, I was given the opportunity to live a peaceful life, I mine as well take this chance. Knowing all of this though, I decided to keep it hidden from my family, I didn't want to have to fight my father again or have to die, the feeling of being dead still haunted me at the time. It was almost like my body could feel pain from dying and I sat there in an empty and dark void. It's a cold and painful feeling, where no one will come to save you because in that reality, It's all nothingness.

I walked back home after the encounter, and to my surprise nothing had changed from my previous life to my knowledge. My dad and brother seemed perfectly normal and the day went on as usual, training and studying into the evening. I haven't missed much school in this world like the previous one so everything was going good. I haven't gone yet so I don't know what to expect, its still nerve racking. Did I make any friends? Was I getting bullied at all? My anxiety spiked just thinking about it but honestly this entire life so far was nothing but anxiety and confusion so I was use to it. It was around dinner time and my father was cooking dinner per usual, I could smell the aroma of curry and rice being cooked from the living room. It was weird though because curry isn't a common dish in our house. I decided to get up and ask my dad why we decided on curry tonight but when I stood up I heard the door creek open

?: I'm home everyone!

My body was frozen when I heard that voice, so familiar but someone who's been gone for such a long time. That was the voice of my mother. At this point my brain was spinning in circles, My mom was alive. The person who I felt the most amount of guilt for, the person I had failed to protect, was standing feet away from me. I felt a hole in my chest, I didn't deserve this, I'm the reason she's dead, she's not proud of me. I failed her my entire life and now she stands here, I thought I was going crazy. The long straight brown hair, heavy smell of perfume, This was her in the flesh. I looked up at her and stared trying to hold it in, I had to keep my past a secret.

Mom: You okay honey?

As she said this the tears started flowing out almost instantly, Both my mother and father stopped what they were doing and came over to me. I had failed at the first thing I tried doing here, keeping my emotions a secret. I felt my mother hug me tightly, it gave me a warmth I haven't felt since I was a baby. But the guilt just kept pouring through my mind, flashbacks of my previous life. The reason she died.

When I was around 5 years old, my mother and I were going for a walk when we were ambushed by a group of mysterious people in motorcycle suits. They were armed with guns and my mother almost instantly offered herself as long as I got out scott free. I kept crying and yelling for them to leave us alone, I even remember the last thing my mother said to me. She told me to live a happy and fruitful life, and to become the strongest alive. When they heard that they came up with a sick idea, they told my mother to stand perfectly still. She listened to them word for word and stood completely still and closed her eyes. When this happened the world started moving in slow motion for me; I was so scared my body turned to stone. I had no clue what they were going to do but my i was horribly scared, I even stopped breathing. Then in the blink of an eye, one of the men pulled out a knife and pierced right through her chest. I watched the blood start to spew out of her as she slowly started to fall to her knees, at this point I started crying. I wondering if the reason this was happening was me. If I was as strong and fast as my father none of this would have ever happen. After this thought, I felt a sharp pain hit the back of my neck and I passed out in an instant, leaving me to remember nothing that happened after that. I remember being depressed and a wreck for months, I gave up on training and school. Eventually I came out of it but that's a story for another time.

As I thought about that, I whaled and my parents were so confused on to why. I knew I needed to stop and started to inhale and exhale in attempt to calm myself down. I could feel my heart racing, it felt like a rock band was playing inside my chest, but it was able to slowly calm down with every breath I took. I had to tuck this trauma deep away in my heart, that version of the world was gone. The thought of the world made begin to feel like a dream, ever so slightly being sucked away into a deep pit of darkness where only I could understand what was going on, it felt like the weight of the past was tightening around my throat and starting to swallow me whole.

After extreme focus on my mind, I was able to calm down. The extreme heartbeat and anxiety had stopped for the moment. The world that was just a second ago spinning had returned to it's natural state, even the sensation that plagued my mind had gone away. I looked up at my mom with the best poker face I could possibly put on but even I knew that something like this wouldn't fool her. My mother was extremely perceptive when it came to peoples emotions, she could easily manipulate a person just by tinkering with their emotions a bit.

Me: I'm fine mom don't worry.

Mom: I don't exactly believe you but I won't pry if you don't want. If you wanna talk I'm always here alright sweetie?

Me: Yeah.. Maybe I'll tell you about my feelings a bit later, I just need some time for now.

Mom: Did something happen?

At this point I wasn't going to respond so I chose to walk away. I walked to my bedroom, everything was almost like a fever dream, everything felt so cold to me. When I hit my bed and closed my eyes I almost instantly fell asleep. But I started to hear things in the darkness, I knew I was sleeping but couldn't wake up.

"Did you finally realize yet?"

My confusion began to build, I was questioning how I was even conscious at the moment. Was I awake? I tried moving my body but there was nothing, I didn't even have a body it felt like. It was like I was just a soul floating through a void.

"Did you enjoy this world, or did it just cause more pain"

"This is what you wished for no?"

The minute I heard that everything made perfect sense to me. The reason everything felt like a fever dream to me was because it was. This was all a fabricated reality, and it made sense because of how off everything seemed.

"There you go, now respond now or be trapped in thy illusion forever. Do you want to return to reality?"

I thought about this for a minute. Even if it was all fake, everyone was there and happy; everything I had ever wanted was presented to me on a silver platter. I felt ashamed even thinking of staying there forever, but I felt so empty that even an illusion could satisfy my shallow and withered mind.

I had literal moments to make my decision so I decided to ask something.

Me: Can I have a conversation... Wait actually, Ill return to reality.

I was planning on asking to talk to my mother, but I decided that I should stop trying to run away from my current life. I need to keep fighting even if things were looking bad. I needed to find a way to live that peaceful life.

A few seconds after I had finished talking. I became extremely dizzy, the world spun around me and it shifted to a white room. I could smell the scent of cleaning alcohol all around me. I could also hear the hue of the florescent lights. I was very clearly in a hospital room, It looks like I survived the fight with my father.

Me: I guess it was all a dream...

I said that to myself out of loneliness. I was alone now it seems, I don't even know my next step, but for now I guess I can only recover. At least all of the past couple of days were an illusion, but what in the world caused it?