Some Bad Joke

"AHHHHH!" I screamed suddenly as the speed at which I was falling drastically increased before I heard a weird noise that rapidly brought light back to my vision. Sadly this sense of falling lasted less than a second before I landed roughly on an old torn-up mattress left in the center of an alleyway of a dilapidated city. 

"Ooof!" I exclaimed as I felt the air leave my lungs, leaving me dazed on top of a moist mattress. Breathing deeply for a few seconds I glared into the blue sky before leaning upwards, only to feel my hand get wet.

Looking down I saw my hand in a puddle of something but whatever that was I did not care, as I got up as quickly as I could and rubbed my hands on the wall.

"UGHH Gross! Hunson you suck! That was not like Alice in Wonderland!" I screamed my frustrations before regaining my cool. Picking up my duffel bag I briefly checked it for any grime before shouldering it. 

Looking around the alleyway I quickly dashed to its entrance and looked up and down the street it led to. 'Noowww where are we?' I asked myself as I slowly exited the, frankly disgusting alleyway, out towards the street full of trashed cars. 

"Welp let's check if Hunson put my crap in here" I sighed to myself as I approached a rusting car, placing my duffel bag on it and opening it up. 

'Hambo, check. Clothes, check. Journal, check.' I began sifting through my bag looking for anything that Hunson put in it before scratching my back, noticing the loss of something important to me.

"Crap! Did he forget Rose?!" I exclaimed before rummaging around the bag, pulling out random crap. 'Bag of gold coins and gems? Not Rose!' I pulled out a heavy sack of money Hunson must've put in my bag and threw it to the side. 

'Crap, crap, crap, crap! Where is it?!' I searched some more before finding my jewelry box. Opening it up I found what I was looking for, laying on top of… "Are you that old snake necklace Hunson tried giving to me?" I asked the silver living snake necklace that lay curled in my jewelry box.

The snake slowly looked up at me with gleaming amethyst eyes before making a small hissing sound, bobbing its head up and down. It was a hyperrealistic metal snake necklace with golden horns… and Hunson tried using it to bribe me into taking over the Nightosphere a few years ago when he went on that gifting spree.

"Uhhh shoot, sorry dude that you had to come along for the ride…" I awkwardly said to it before pointing towards my miniature, thumb-sized axe lying on top of it. "Can… Can I have that?" I asked. 

The snake necklace looked at me before moving to grab the axe in its mouth, slithering out of the box and dropping it in my hand in one motion. Then it slowly continued to slither up my arm, reaching my neck and looping around it twice, and suddenly stopped moving entirely.

"Uh, thanks? I guess?" I looked at some of the other junk in my jewelry box before closing it back up and putting it in my bag. With my miniaturized axe, Rose, in one hand I pinched it before tossing it up in the air, pulsing some nightosphere magic through it, and watched as it began to grow.

It was a quick transformation turning from roughly toothpick-sized to a full-sized axe in under a second and landing back in my hand, letting out a strum of noise from its strings as it did so. 

"Sweet. Good to see Hunson didn't forget you." I said to Rose before grabbing its strap and putting it on my back. Feeling completed I looked at the mess I made of my stuff and sighing.

"Alllright. Let's see if I missed anything." I quietly muttered before looking through the bag, only to find a black feather from one of my Dad's Demon Generals, Azazel. Looking at it curiously I remembered an Angelic tradition Azazel told me, where Angels would gift feathers to each other before they do the Lord's work.

Picking it up I shrugged and placed it behind my ear and stepped back, nearly tripping on my junk. 

Looking at my stuff placed everywhere I facepalmed. "I gotta learn to control my anxiety or something, geez." After giving Hambo a gentle squeeze, I slowly put everything back in order and zipped up my bag.

"Okay Marcy, now what?" I asked myself, trying to figure out what to do. Thinking for a moment I remembered that there were most certainly humans left alive on this planet, but they were getting trounced on. 

Oozers, Vampires, and other monsters treat the once-dominant species of the planet as nothing more than food. Destroyed and brought back down to Earth for their hubris… 

Emotions surged through me as I recalled my life before meeting Simon—being alone, watching a city burn, witnessing the end of the world brought by a war like none other. It was all too much, making me blink some tears from my eyes.

Rubbing my eyes a bit I breathed deeply, calming myself before looking up and down the road.

Seeing the remains of a once thriving city I could only shake my head and sigh. I knew I had to do something, for the people I still, and will always call my own. 

"Well Marcy… Let's go save the human race!" I hyped myself up, ready to do my best before remembering one tiny little detail. 'Shoot, where the Glob am I?' I looked around helplessly before remembering an old saying Simon said.

"When in doubt… something something North!" I exclaimed and ran up the street, starting my grand journey.

===========================

(1 Week Later)

'Why in the Nightosphere did I ever think going North was the right move' I sighed and shook my head. I had been traveling up the same road for roughly 4 days, until slowly but surely I got lost.

Where the road had been a major 6-lane highway, it slowly shrunk to 4, then 2, and then no road as I left the nearby dead population center that once was a city. 

The city was long behind me, and all that was left around me were rural buildings and the occasional house as trees slowly but surely grew in numbers the farther I got. 

Looking at the very rural area around me slowly turn into a forest I sighed and looked at an old tree stump in the distance. Walking up to it I sat down and stared at my now dirty red boots. 

Taking a breather I opened up my bag, hungry and needing a rest, and pulled out one of my last cans of beans. "Dangit Hunson, why did you not pack more food!" I cursed him and opened the can with sheer strength, ripping into the lid and tearing it off.

Pouring a glob of the beans into my mouth I munched on them a bit before swallowing, leaning back as I did so. 'Oh my Glob they are so gross' I thought as I stopped myself from vomiting up the cold beans.

"I need to find someone–no something! Anything! Before I go insane!" I yelled out into the forest. "And I said that finding some humans couldn't be that hard! Ughhh how wrong was I?" 

I ate another mouthful of cold beans before tossing the can into the woods. Standing up I pulled Rose off my back and began to strum mindlessly as I walked deeper into the forest.

"La da dah dah da" I hummed, walking aimlessly down an overgrown dirt trail.

===========================

(Time Skip: 2 Days)

It turned out that Luck hadn't abandoned me fully, as that overgrown trail I followed led to a small town. It took a while to figure out what happened, but it looked like an old industrial town, with completely trashed buildings.

Any pavement the small town once had was now completely overtaken by grass and weeds. I was camped outside a building called Sewage Corp laying on an old mattress, huddled beneath a piece of sheet metal.

It was obvious survivors had been in the area, as tons of scrap was littered around my campsite. Trashbags full of metal computer chips, boxes of food left out, and other random objects were left haphazardly making it obvious what had happened. 

Sadly, as much as I wish to be able to continue my search for the humans who hastily abandoned this area, I could not. I wasn't a machine, and although I was much stronger than most things, I needed time to rest. 

Playing my guitar I looked at the box of liver sandwiches in front of me, feeling my guts rumble a bit I sighed. Placing Rose down I hesitantly lifted one of the sandwiches.

"Am I really about to eat this?" I asked myself before turning around. Looking at Hambo on top of my bag I frowned. "Yeah I know Hambo but I need something to eat, and this place only got brussel sprouts and this. Sadly a grownin girl needs more nutrients than brussel sprouts…" 

Slowly I raised the soggy liver sandwich to my mouth and took a bite. 'OGhh!' I resisted the horrid taste of the sandwich, chewing it quickly and swallowing. "Ugh Gross!" I held my tongue out and threw the sandwich onto the ground. 

Holding back tears I looked down at the ground hopelessly, questioning what I was even doing until out of nowhere I heard footsteps. 

Looking up I saw someone I thought I never would see again. 'Si-Simon!?' my mind stuttered to a halt as I watched what looked to be Simon in the distance. 

I took a few moments, staring at Sim–no. It wasn't him. But it was what I was searching for, a human!

Sniffling a few times, I dashed towards my junk and stuffed Hambo into the bag. I heard multiple footsteps and at least three people conversing, making me hurry my packing. 

With my bag on my shoulder and Rose on my back, I waved towards them, about to call out to them only to be cut off by something I had only memories of from a Life long since past.

A vampire and it was ready to attack the first Humans I have seen in years. "Hey! Leave that family alone!" I shouted, grabbing Rose from my back I rapidly dashed at the vampire.

I heard screaming as the family noticed the situation they were in, wishing I could comfort them, I channeled that emotion into running even faster. Completely catching the vampire off guard I swung Rose towards its neck.

I saw it futilely try to turn towards me, but it was slow. 'Hunson is at least 10x faster than this thing.' I thought to myself as I watched Rose tear through its neck, decapitating the monster.

The vampire's head dropped to the ground, with an expression of shock marking its face before it poofed. Seeing no point in wasting I channeled my soul-sucking powers and sucked up its soul. 

The sound of a vacuum could be heard as I consumed the soul. I felt a lot more power come from its soul from that poor rabbit years ago, but honestly not as much as I thought I would get. 

I closed my eyes, innately searching through the souls last couple hours of memories and found what happened here. 

"Hmm, spicy… And I guess I was right about what happened." I muttered to myself, licking my lips a bit feeling full. Opening my eyes I saw the family trembling on the ground, with the man and woman hiding their daughter behind their backs.

"St-stay away! Please don't hurt us!" The man shouted in terror as I numbly put Rose back over my shoulder. It hurt, knowing that I just saved their lives and all I received in return was fear. 'No! Marcy don't think that! Never think that!' I shook my head vigorously. 

"Listen, dude! I'm-I am not going to hurt you!" I exclaimed, slowly kneeling on the ground beside them. They were still trembling, but it seemed the husband chilled a bit.

"I have been searching for other Humans, and I know I might look scary! Bu-but I am… Ugh shoot I messed this up." I facepalmed and sighed. Looking at the family I frowned. "I want to help," I said with determination. 

The family stopped trembling, and I took that as my sign to continue. "I am Marceline Abadeer, and I have been trying to save Humanity from the scourge of monsters that donked up our planet." 

Standing up I offered the man a hand, which he slowly took. 'Let's fix you up dude' I smiled slightly and dusted the dirt off of him. The wife and daughter slowly stood as well, seeing as I was not going to kill them. 

"Yo-you aren't a monster?" The wife asked, flinching as my gaze shifted to her. Smiling I flashed her a toothy smile and shook my head. "Nope!" I cheerfully said, before being glomped by the little girl.

She was jumping up and down pulling at my arms. "That was so cool! You were all like wabam! And the vampy was like ahhhhg!" She ran circles around me leading the parents to chuckle.

Patting her head I looked at the parents, who were looking a lot less hesitant to be around me I decided to see if they knew where the other humans went. 

Scratching my neck I ignored the girl tugging my arm, and asked "So… Do you guys know where the rest of your group ran off to? I know they evacuated from a vampire horde."

The husband deeply frowned. It seemed I killed the mood as the wife grabbed his shoulder, comforting him. It took a few minutes but he recalled what happened to me.

He, alongside his family, was part of a large group of humans who were simply gathering supplies in the area. They thought that vampires would never find them so far out in the middle of nowhere, so they neglected their safety and got burned for it.

A vampire attack happened in the middle of the night right as they were about to fall asleep. It started with creepy laughter from a weird floating gremlin in the distance that one of his friends noticed, and then out of nowhere, a horde of vampires charged them. 

He said that he and his family hid, as the few humans left with guns fought off the vampires, holding the line as the rest of the group ran away towards a city 16 miles North East of here. 

As they got left behind by their group, they hid in wait until the vampires left. 

"So wait, that one laughing vampire you said that your friend saw. Did you overhear anything from it?" I asked suddenly, cutting off the man's story. 

'That sounds a lot like the Jester… or was it the Fool?' I asked myself, searching my old memories. 

 "Huh? Wait yeah now that you mentioned it, that creepy thing told his vampires to chase the rest of the group while it stays… around to find something fun." The man slowly realized how dumb it was that they were out in the open.

"Glob! We got to get outta here! That freak probably heard us!" He shaked in fear and grabbed his wife and kid. He looked at me quickly and exclaimed "Come on Marceline! We gotta find some cover in case that freak comes out! The suns already setting!"

I looked at the setting sun hidden behind the trees, watching as the shadows they produced slowly grew longer as the sun lowered. "Yeah… Yeah, that would be a good idea. Let's find someplace for you all to shelter." I nodded firmly as I led the family to an old Church only to sense something.

Stopping completely in my tracks, the family I was leading stopped too in fear. "Shoot! Get inside!" I yelled as I pushed the family into the building and closed the door.

I could hear their shocked voices behind the door but ignored them as I walked slowly towards an open area. 

The ability to sense evil that Dad taught me was not always the most reliable. It was a strange sixth sense that gave me tingles up my neck. Sometimes those tingles were powerful, other times more subtle. But right now, the hairs on my neck were jittering as if they were dancing to a tune I couldn't hear.

"Something's coming!" I dropped my bag and grabbed Rose from my back. Cautiously scanning my surroundings, I glared into the darkness that had swiftly engulfed the town as the sunset.

"Pffft!" What sounded like someone holding back a laugh came from the trees. I turned my head in that direction and got smacked in the face by something wet.

"Ahgh, what the—!" I yelled as I wiped a cream pie off my face and glared at the being who did it.

"Hahahaa! You just got pied!" The floating vampire laughed uncontrollably, spinning in circles as he came into view. My eye twitched in irritation as I pointed at him.

"You! You're the Jester!" I pointed at the vampire, who hovered just out of my reach. He chuckled a bit at my frustration and lazily floated in the air.

"Nah fool, I'm the Fool!" He chuckled and stuck out his tongue. "I'm gonna drink y'all's blood. What's your name again?" The Fool scratched his pointy hat before slamming both hands against his cheeks.

"Oh yeah! You're Mary or something!" My eye twitched even more as I stomped my foot into the grass. "No! My name is Marceline, you oaf! And you aren't sucking anyone's blood tonight!" I yelled at him.

Inwardly, I thought about the feeling of evil he gave off. 'This guy is straight-up bad news, like those freaky horror clowns or something.'

The Fool turned his butt towards me and patted his cheeks, laughing the whole time. "Oh yeah! And what are you gonna do? Womp womp!" He slapped his butt and laughed.

'Yup, I've had enough of this guy…' I charged a bit of magic into my axe blade and swung it towards him. His eyes comically widened as he ducked under the slash of dark magic, narrowly dodging it at the cost of his hat being cut in half.

"Aw, what the—! Hey! We haven't started the game yet!" The Fool yelled as he rubbed his no longer pointy hat. "C'mon! I liked that hat!" He rolled onto his back in mid-air and flailed his limbs.

Noticing he wasn't paying attention, I ran towards him and jumped up, soaring above him. I swung downwards in a devastating chop, aiming to cut him in two, only for him to harmlessly float around the swing.

"Haha! Ya missed!" He blew spit into my face as I landed back on the ground. Aiming to grab him, I lunged at his small form, floating in circles around me, only to miss again.

"Fool! Stop dodging, you butt face!" I yelled in frustration, swinging Rose at him repeatedly, but missing every time.

The Fool laughed even harder, inhaling air to make his face look like a butt. "Yeah, you're right!" he laughed as I missed another attack.

'What is this!? He's not even as fast as Dad! How come I can't hit him?!' I growled, trying to punch him only for the Fool to flow around my fist and kick my face with his dirty feet.

"Ugh, gross!" I shouted as the Fool rapidly floated towards me and… farted in my face. "THAT'S IT!" I yelled as I swung Rose towards him, releasing a crescent of Nightosphere magic.

Like before, he dodged, though with much more difficulty. "Whoa!" The Fool shouted as I launched multiple waves of magic at him. While I was bad at magic, as Pops put it, I could at least manage simple attacks like this.

The Fool rapidly floated up into the air, trying his best to dodge my attacks. "Oh donk, you almost got me there!" he shouted as one of my attacks cut the hair off his leg.

"Yeah! THAT'S THE POINT!" I shouted back, straining as I sent another volley of attacks his way.

The Fool stopped laughing as my next attack clipped his shoulder, leaving a decent-sized cut. Glaring at me, he struck a superhero pose and farted into the air, somehow launching himself at me.

"I'm gonna knock some sense into you!" The Fool yelled as he rapidly approached, dodging the purple-black crescent strikes of Nightosphere magic.

'What the—!?' I stared in shock as the air deformed around his form from his sudden boost. 'Crap-crap-crap! What do I do?!' I panicked, my eyes opening widely from what looked like a miniature sonic boom happening from his speed.

"Oh wait." I stopped my panicked swing aimed at the rapidly approaching vampire and simply turned my axe so that the flat part was facing him.

Like a cartoon scene, the Fool comically looked shocked as his fist missed my axe blade, his expression frozen in horror as he stared helplessly at the oncoming wall of enchanted metal.

He tried to backpedal with his hands, but his speed became his downfall, driving him face-first into the flat of my axe. 

I strained against the impact, holding Rose steady as I felt his face collide with her. The strings of my axe-guitar let out a loud, discordant sound as he crashed into it.

It took all of one second for me to swing Rose, and the Fool attached to her, with all the force in my body towards the ground. 

"Aaagh!" I yelled in exertion, watching as the Fool made a literal crater when he landed. Breathing laboriously I walked to the crater, hearing muffled moans of pain.

"Ow! Youh Bhroke Mhy Nhose!" The Fool shouted as he held his swollen face. Floating up into the air he looked down at me and glared, ready to say something only for one of his long fangs to fall out of his mouth. 

"Wha! Nho! Me Thoof!" He grabbed it and tried putting it back into his mouth, only for it to fall out. "Wha-hahaha! Yhou whin thish ghame!" With blood trickling down from his nose he laughed. 

I stared at him in disbelief, blinking once, then twice, before finally saying, "Dude, you are straight-up insane. But I'm going to kill you now, so... yeah, I guess that means I win." I looked at his floating form, advancing with Rose in my hand, ready to bring it down on him.

He laughed even harder at my words before calming down. "Hey Mharceline. Lhets pway Hide n Sheek!" The Fool rapidly turned his butt towards me, slapped his cheeks and floated away.

'Noope!' I swung Rose towards him, launching another crescent of magic at him, but like the previous times, he somehow dodged my attack. And this time he couldn't even see it.

"Hahahaha!" The Fool laughed as he left my maximum range of attack, leaving me in the literal dust he kicked up. 

Ready to chase after him, I remembered what I was doing before and quickly turned back towards the building where the family was. I could see them all looking at me from a window, and the husband gave me a thumbs-up.

The little girl was shaking with excitement, and I could barely hear her shouts of, "That was so cool!" The mother was trying to calm her down.

Raising a hand, I shouted towards them, "Hey! Look, I gotta go and get that guy! When I do, I'll find that group of humans and meet you there!" I picked up my bag and put Rose on my back.

The husband was smiling at me, while the daughter was still upset, with the mother patting her back. "I know you know where your group went! I'm gonna take care of those vamps after them, so meet me there!" I gave a meaningful glance to the husband, who gave me a nod. I gave him a quick salute, saw the girl still crying, and sadly turned towards where the Fool had flown off.

"Let's catch that sucker!" I shouted, running away from the first humans I'd seen in years as I chased down the Fool.

"I'm coming, you bozo! Ready or not, here I come!" I yelled, laughing a bit as the feeling of saving someone's life empowered me. Running faster than I thought I could I sprinted toward the distant city where the Fool was bound to be flying to.

===========================

(POV Shift: Unknown)

In a dark skyscraper, an unknown figure sat in a CEO's chair, gazing down at the ruined city. They sipped from a wine glass, pausing mid-drink as their brow furrowed.

"Hm?" The figure muttered to themselves, peering into the distance before stopping. "A new enemy… Let's see how the heroes of this generation measure up," they mused, taking another sip.

Their face remained obscured by the glass, but through their glowing blue eyes, a flash of emotion shined—an emotion long forgotten.

It was excitement.

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A/N Time:

Hey all! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know I've been gone awhile, and frankly, I got no excuse so I hope you don't mind. Take this chapter and feel a bit better about my long absence. 

I felt an urge to update this, alongside some of my other stories recently, so here I am writing a nice long chapter for you all. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the briefly hidden lore drops I gave. 

See ya next time on Marceline's adventure! And make sure to leave your thoughts in the comments <3< p>