83 Knuckles

Her jaw is set, her silence is answering my question instead of her own words. I feel a sharp stab in my heart, like her silence was twisting a blade, hollowing out my chest.

"I see." Empty, hollow sounding words, that match my empty, hollow heart at this moment. Here I thought we were good. I thought that we understood each other. I thought I we were on our way to trusting each other so we could be spending the rest of our lives together. However, if she thinks so little of me, when I've done nothing wrong.... I know I can not stay in a relationship, if this will be a continuing issue.

I need to get away and clear my head. I don't want to say anything out loud that I might regret.

I leave the living room, heading to the bedroom and pack my workout bag with some clothes.

Sarina stands in the door way, watching me. "Are you going to go workout with Lance?"

"Something like that."

I turn to grab some underwear and socks and feel Sarina's soft arms encircle my chest from behind. "I'm sorry. I should've known better, I just...."

"It's fine." I stand there frozen, not wanting to hear her excuses at the moment.

I move to put my stuff in the bag and Sarina lets me go. "Why are you packing so much?" She asks noticing how many items I'm placing in there.

"I might stay the night there. Depends how I'm feeling afterwards." I say not wanting to elaborate.

"Stay the night...? Brian?" Sarina moves in front of me, panic on her face, "I said I was sorry!"

She's acting like that just magically fixes our situation.

"Yes, I heard you." I move again and reach for my sneakers, then grab my bag and sling it over my shoulder.

"What? Brian, stop walking away from me for a moment!" She grabs my arm and it's like she's touched the fuse on a bomb for my emotions inside.

"WHAT SARINA? What did you think saying sorry just fixes the fact you think I'm a liar and cheater?! That you not only doubt my sincerity, but actually would believe that piece of shit, over me?!" I grit out, "COME ON! I'm not fucking perfect, Sarina! I admit it! BUT I've NEVER, WOULD NEVER cheat on anyone! It's like you are purposefully looking for something to make you think I'm cheating on you! My days I spend at work, my nights are spent with you! My weekends are with you! When am I supposed to be cheating?!"

Startled, she lets go of my arm, stepping away as tears falling heavily from her eyes, "I'm sorry..."

I scoff and roll my eyes, "Yes, I've heard that already. How many more times are we going to go through this before you understand, I LOVE YOU!"

I drop the bag and walk towards her gripping her shoulders as I try to make her understand, "I love you, Sarina. I worship the ground you walk on! No woman holds a candle to you in my eyes! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! You're so creative and full of life! You know how to make me smile, surprise me with little things that mean the world to me! You make me feel complete! BUT then you make these little comments, about this or that, like you know I'm up to something! Then you accuse me of cheating because of something that your cheating ex said?!" I let her go and run my hands through my hair again, pulling at the length in frustration.

"You make me feel complete, only to plunge a hole through my chest by not trusting me! I trust you completely! I know you don't want his touch! But you can't return that same kind of trust towards me? When I've done nothing to deserve this!"

She struggles to keep a glare on her face, as tears roll down her face, "I don't mean to. Your acting like I am intentionally not trusting you."

I scoff, "Well it doesn't seem to me that you're trying very hard either, if a piece of paper with future dates on it and my computer for work can be considered as evidence in your mind or be bits that convince you something is going on behind your back!"

I let out another loud groan, "You know what? Something has been going on. I was planning a trip for us to get away, let you have some time to relax with every thing going on. I wanted to surprise you! Happy now?!" I breathe heavily, as she just stands there looking at me with wide eyes, tears still leaking out of them.

I pick up the bag and sling it over my shoulder, "I need to get out and cool off, before I say anything else."

"Brian!" Sarina calls out as I walk out of the room. "I love you!"

I stop right there, frozen for a moment, I say over my shoulder, "I love you too, Sarina. It's not love that's the issue right now. It's trust."

I go ahead and leave the house, throwing my bag into the car and take off. Angry at the whole situation that I know just blew up beyond what it should have, but it's true. It fucking hurts that she doesn't trust me, that there is this doubt that lives in her mind, when I didn't put it there.

Then using my work computer and a piece of paper from my office, that she kept in her purse, like evidence?!

I give Lance a call and make sure he's at home before I head over. When I get there and walk in with my duffel bag, Lirael takes one look at me and gets up.

"Brian? What's wrong?" She comes and wraps her arms around me but I just pat her back.

"I'm going to workout with Lance, work off some steam, you know?" I force a smile and she just nods and tells me I know where to change.

I get changed and go to the workout shed where Lance is currently wiping the dust off some of the equipment. He tosses me a rag to help him out and I get to work.

"So still pissed at that asshole? Or did something else happen?" He asks after a few minutes of me wiping down the bench press.

I grit my teeth and shake my head, not ready to talk about it yet.

"Alright, man. Punching bag?"

"Sounds great."

"Hey, come on, stretch and warm up first. Let's not hurt ourselves." Lance reminds me.

As soon as I get my knuckles wrapped though, I start punching the bag, wishing it was Marc's face, as I continue to pound into it.

"BRIAN!" Lance shouts, holding the punching bag. "Dude, you're fucking bleeding!" He points down at my hands and sure enough, I've punched the tape off my hands.

He grabs a clean rag and wraps my hand up and drags me inside, "Come on man, lets take care of this inside, we can see better in here."

I notice that the sun has gone completely down and it's chilly on my sweat soaked skin.

The sun was up when we started, wasn't it? When did I start sweating this bad?

Lance pulls me into the familiar bathroom and shuts the door. He has me wash my hands off, has me apply the ointment before wrapping them up. I tore off more of my skin than I initially thought. I still don't really feel any pain in them though.

"Do you mind if I crash here tonight?" It's the first actual sentence I've given him since I showed up. It doesn't sound like my voice though. It's a voice of someone who's struggling to keep it together.

Lance meets my eyes, grips my shoulder, "Of course, brother. You want to talk to me about what's going on? "

My shoulders slump, "After a shower man."

Lance nods, "K, I'll make us a drink." He pats my arm and exits the bathroom and I get the water going.

After a quick shower my hands now ache and I know I'm going to regret this tomorrow. I fumble getting dressed into some clean workout pants and shirt before gathering my stuff up to join Lance.

He sits on the back porch, Lirael curled up next to him on the porch rocker. His hand is on her swelling tummy, laughing at something. Lirael spots me and waves me over.

"You want to feel your nephew doing trick flips off my stomach walls?" she grabs my wrist and moves it onto her stomach, pressing lightly. "Now, just wait a minute..."

I wait, then a few moments later... thump. Right against my hand. I glance up at Lance and Lirael, smiling wide in amazement. "He kicked me!"

They both laugh at my astonishment, Lirael's tummy bouncing with the laughter and which is then followed by a few more kicks on my hand. "Wow. He's really active!" Every time I speak, he kicks my hand, having me pause and stare.

Lirael giggles, "He's saying hi to his uncle Brian."

I start talking to her belly, "Hey there nephew. Don't give your momma too much heck." There's no movement for a moment, before a firm thud lands on my hand. "Good!" I laugh, "I'm glad you understand."

We all have a laugh, until Lirael suddenly starts to get up, "There he goes, kicking my bladder, I'll be back." She starts making her way inside and Lance watches her until she's in the house.

He hands me my drink, "Here, tell me what's going on man."

I sigh, taking the drink and explain to him what happened after we left the courthouse.

"It's unlike you to lose your cool like that. What was the other things that made her have doubts?" Lance asked.

I explain the evidence and what I told her and even Lance covered his face.

"Wow you're right, that was reaching way out there for something." He pauses, "She called you virile, though?" He chuckles, "Damn, man how often are you guys at it?"

"As often as she or I initiate it. Here lately, not as much because she's been so busy and exhausted, I don't want to make her even worse. So during the week, unless she initiates it, I let her sleep."

"Did you tell her that's why?" Lirael comes back out with a shawl wrapped around her shoulders.

"She didn't bring it up." I pop a brow up at her. "Have you been listening to the whole conversation?"

She points to the open bathroom window, "You left it open after your shower. Couldn't help it." She takes a seat next to Lance, "But maybe that's why too? She's used to you giving her more sexual attention and for you to suddenly stop, maybe that's what made those doubts and insecurities start?"

I groan, "Maybe you're right..." I grip my head, "But still! She had to stretch for some kind of physical evidence?"

Lance snorts, "At least she didn't get mad at you over a dream she had..."

Lirael's hand connects with Lances arm, "HEY! That only happened once! I was very emotional at the time!"

I roll my eyes as the two bicker between each other.

"Anyways, Brian. While, we agree with you, you can't put up with these insecurities forever.. She has been trying though... " Lirael finally turns back to me as I stand up. "Where are you going?" She asks as I make my way inside.

"Home." Is all I say as I leave my cup in the sink and grab my workout bag.

They both stop me though before heading out the door.