110 Opening up

I see that she had prepared everything for dinner, she just had not cooked it yet. Needing some time to straighten out my own emotions, I get to work cooking everything. I knew that she didn't want to be telling everyone. Was she ashamed that she had gotten pregnant? Was she ashamed of our baby that never got to live?

No. That couldn't be it.

Right?

Was he really just helping her? His hand behind her thigh, the other on her back? It was like he was going to pick her up in his arms. No. She said he caught her before she fell back. That could have caused her more damage if she had fallen back. She could have reopened her wound. Would he know to take her to the hospital if that had happened? Or would he had just left her there because she would tell him, she was fine?

I grit my teeth as I drain the noodles at the thought. I bite back my emotions as my eyes sting with tears. I drop the pan of noodles in the sink, angry at myself that I was helpless, angry at John for touching my woman, angry at Sarina for not letting me comfort her and in return be comforted too.

I lean over the edge of the sink and cover my head with my hands, trying to keep myself together as I felt the chaos of emotions rolling through me. The sound of hot oil, frying the food in the wok has me turning around to turn off the gas. I stir the food and find some of it has blackened edges but not enough to be considered inedible.

I grab the noodle pot and put it back on the stove. I make a bowl for Sarina and myself and take Sarina's to her. I pause outside of the doorway, hearing her painful, wracking sobs, that she tries to smother in the pillow that hides her face. Hearing her in agony causes the eruption of emotion of being useless comes over me again. I quietly walk into the room and set the bowl of food on the nightstand and walk back out. She obviously doesn't want me around her right now.

"Brian?" I almost didn't hear her soft, hoarse cry.

I stop, sighing, not turning around, "Yes, Sarina?" I ask her, softly.

"I need you."

I turn back around and see she's lowered the pillow from her face and holds her arms out to me. I make haste to her, climbing onto the bed to hold her to me. She sobbed still in my arms clutching me tightly like I may disappear.

Maybe I was ... wrong for my earlier thoughts. This whole situation had been traumatizing for both of us. She's used to pushing people away in these kind of situations, I should not take it to heart.

"Sarina. I'm here, my love. I'm sorry for being an ass earlier. I just... I've been having a hard time too." I softly let her know how I've been feeling.

She cries harder for a minute until a hard sob has her diaphragm pull on her incisions making her hiss, and hold still, trying to calm down.

"Sarina, careful baby." I quickly grab the box of tissues on the nightstand and offer her some. "Will you please tell me what's making you cry? I feel you pulling away from me and I don't want you to pull too far away. I'm here for you, with you. Open up to me, please?" I ask, my voice cracked at the end, not able to contain my emotion completely.

Sarina squeezes her eyes tightly, whispering, "I'm sorry. It's just hard to talk about it."

"I know. Can you try to tell me what you can?" I'm begging for anything to keep our connection, to understand or at least have insight into what she's thinking.

She takes a deep, long, breath, holding it, before letting it out. "What if.. I can't..." she takes another deep breath and says the next part so quickly the words are practically jumbled together, "havekidslater?" She takes another shaky breath, "I mean, my body failed me once. What if it happens again?"

"Oh Sarina." I hold her head to my chest again, letting her listen to my heartbeat and voice through my chest, "We'll cross that bridge when we get there. Even if we never have children, I will still love you. I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that baby."

She sobs and says something inaudible into a tissue.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

"I feel like I'd be betraying you if we can't have children later. You want them, I want them. My body failed though. I'm just a failure.."

"NO!" I say the word more harshly than I intended to, but it snaps Sarina from breaking down again.

"This does NOT make you a failure. The only way you could betray me is to cheat on me or lie about something big. IF WE can not have children later, Sarina, please listen and stick this in your brain." I take a breath before I continue, "IF we can not, I will still love you. There are other ways of having children. There's IVF, we could adopt, surrogacy, whatever, we have options and trust me when I say, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are enough for me, Sarina." I drag my fingers through her hair as she looks up at me with sparkling, tear filled eyes.

"I'm enough?" Her surprise at my words is evident, as they widen and she blinks.

Slowly, but firmly, I reaffirm to her. "Yes. You are enough for me, Sarina."

Her bottom lip quivers and I can't help it, I need to kiss her. I lower my head, taking her lips swallowing any response she may have had. I let my tongue caress her lips, enjoying its journey into her mouth, tickling hers, making her suck in a deep breath and kiss me more urgently. She clutches me to her, gripping desperately, pulling me down to cover her body. I felt her wince when she moved her body down the bed to be more comfortable.

"Are you alright my love?" I ask her, breathless, as I pull back to check on her.

"Yes." She pulls me back down crushing our lips together, her hands roaming before starting to remove my clothes.

Flashbacks from the dream I had the other night pop into my mind.

"Sarina..." I start, reaching for her hands to stop her, "We should wait until you see your gyno honey. Just to be safe."

She scoffs and starts peppering my neck with kisses, "The surgeon said as long as we're gentle and you don't come inside of me." She undoes my pants, as my body goes rigid and tense.

"I need you. Brian, please?" She begs.

"I don't know, Sarina. I could hurt you while you're still healing." I try to blink the visions in my head from that horrible night mare.

"Brian, I need this like I need air. Please don't make me suffocate with out you." She whimpers. Then her hand slides into my slacks and strokes my cock, working me, knowing how I liked to have her twist her palm around the tip.

"Fuck.... Sarina..." I gasp out, "What if I hurt you though?" I ask her, my resolve leaving with the lack of blood to my brain and heading to my cock. However, the visions from my nightmare kept battling with what her hand was trying to do. Her hand was winning though.

"I trust you, Brian. I know you won't." She states, moving my slacks farther down over my hips. I shimmy the rest of the way out of them, while she shimmies out of hers. I help pull her pants off and open the drawer of the nightstand and pull out a condom. I slide it on and position myself at her entrance, thumbing her clit as she looks expectantly at me, desire a blaze in those beautiful eyes.

"Tell me if you feel anything uncomfortable, even if it feels good too baby." I stare at her, hoping she understands I'm serious.

"Yes, Brian. Now, please... stick that cock in me. I need to feel you." She reaches her arms out for me.

I gently press forward, barely giving her my first two inches. Watching for any sign of pain. Instead her eyes roll back into her head and her mouth makes a giant O shape.

"Oh god... Brian..." She gasps and I see her wanting to move her hips but stops remembering her incisions. "I need more Brian... Please."

I move and work a little bit more, paying attention for any fresh blood on me and any sign that she's in pain. But so far, she is enjoying herself. I speed my movements a little bit, and Sarina's eyes bunch up as I feel her tighten around my cock.

"Sarina?" I go to ask to make sure she's alright, when I feel the flutter of her body along my cock and she cries out and starts trembling. Still not seeing blood, I draw out her orgasm by changing up the pace.

"Oh god.... Brian..." She gasps out when her climax starts to calm down. I pull out of her and don't see anything to worry about on the condom. I pull it off and toss it in the trash as I grab a wet wash cloth. I clean up Sarina and then myself, even though I did not cum.

"Brian did you come?" Sarina asks me.

I shake my head, "No, I don't need to baby. I don't mind just taking care of you." I let her know. climbing back into the bed with her.

"Are you sure? I could give you a blowjob?" She asks, her brow furrowed in concern and disbelief.

"Yes. I'm sure baby." I tell her, seeing the bowl of stir fry and remembering that we still needed to eat dinner.

"I'm sure you're hungry, let me go warm up our dinner?" I pick up her bowl and reheat them both up and find her walking out in just a robe to me. "Oh, I was going to bring this back to you. You didn't need to get up."

She waves her hand, "No, I shouldn't baby it too much. They did tell me the more I move, the sooner I'll get back to normal and the better it will heal, as long as I don't overdo it." She takes the bowl from me and stands to eat it.

"How are you feeling down inside?" I ask her. My nightmare still wanting to flash in my mind.

"Great actually." She gives me a small smile but it drops as she looks at my face. "Brian? What's the matter? What's going through your mind?" She steps closer to me and that's when I realize I'm a little shaky.

I try to laugh it off, "Well, I'm hungry first of all." I take a bite and sit down, taking a few more bites as Sarina watches me like a hawk.

"Uh huh. What else?" She pushes me for more, "Don't tell me to open up if you're not going to as well, Doctor Huller." She sets her bowl down and crosses her arms in front of her.

"It's silly, really." I state because it is. It was just a nightmare.

"No, you're not getting away with it that easily." She taps her foot, annoyed with me.

I let out a loud and groaning breath, setting my food down. "You remember that nightmare I had last night?" She nods and motions for me to continue. "I dreamt that we were having sex, that I had been hesitant and you insistent, just like earlier. I gave in.. and ... you wanted me deeper. I lost control and when I had finished, you were bleeding... your eyes were open and lifeless. I had killed you." My heart clenched at the memory of the dream and then Sarina doing almost the same thing just a little while ago... I didn't lose my self control, but still it scared the hell out of me.

"Brian..." Sarina comes closer and wraps her arms around me, holding my head to her stomach. "Nothing bad happened, the doctor said we could as long as we were careful. I see my gyno tomorrow and I'm sure they will tell me, I'm fine." She tries to console me.

I just clutch her to me, breathing heavily. "I almost lost you." I whisper, "I felt so helpless... I felt like the morning we found my brother dead, but worse, because it was you." I look up into her eyes and see tears rolling down her face, "I don't know if I'd survive losing you, Sarina. This situation scared the living hell out of me. I know that I've acted like I've been handling this all well..." I tightly close my eyes, and shake my head, "I can't help but be concerned. So, what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry about my attitude and I'm sorry if I do or say something stupid or inconsiderate. Please know, I don't really mean it if I do."

Sarina nods, "I know Brian. Same goes for me too. I love you, even when I need my space, I'm still going to need you."