CHAPTER 5

I then take a few seconds to observe it in more detail. It looks different to me and I don't really understand why. His face seems more marked to me, his features slightly more drawn but his still tanned skin still accompanies his black hair. They are still as unruly as ever, her completely disheveled locks going all over the place and some even falling on her eyes. However, he now sports a dark beard that ages him and he seems to have swapped his old 70s rock band T-shirt for a fitted checkered shirt open on a piece of gray cotton. His stature also impresses me. He looks much bigger and more muscular than the last time I saw him. How is it possible to change so much in such a short time?

Yesterday, we skipped school to hide in the park to spend hours playing music and writing. I always write to the rhythm of the Milan Accords. If his music is soft and unctuous, my words will caress the pages with pleasure. On the other hand, when his fingers strum his guitar abruptly, be sure that my characters will suffer. We've always worked this way: our moods merge into one. But today, when I look at Milan, I collapse against a wall of ice. I'm definitely on my own to deal with this nightmare and I don't even know why.

This observation hurts me a little more than I already am. I feel like all the physical pain that's been pounding my body since I woke up is nothing compared to Milan's attitude. I'd rather go back to sleep and plunge back into that awful black hole than have to bear my friend's resentful gaze. This is how, despite all the strength that I am capable of showing in normal times, I begin to choke. The shock linked to the behavior of Milan combined with my physical failures push me into a dimension where I no longer control anything. The nurse on my right then bends over me to stabilize the spasms of anxiety that have taken possession of my body, then she begins to ventilate me with a kind of green plastic balloon which in half a second becomes my beacon in the storm I'm going through.

It may take me five minutes to completely calm down. When she considers that I am no longer at risk, the nurse comes away from me slightly before speaking to me in a soft voice. I don't know at all what she's telling me, I don't listen to her. I only notice Milan, who has approached my bed and is standing behind the young woman in the white coat. I try again to find his gaze and this time, I succeed. But what I read there breaks my heart.

A mixture of resentment, relief and anguish tarnishes his two blue marbles that I love with all my soul. I've never seen Milan look at me with anything other than a sparkling, protective gaze. Damn what's going on?! Despite myself, I feel tears trying to force their way down my cheeks but I push them back as best I can. All this is not us.

The nurse turns to Milan to ask him to speak to her in private. They head down the hall and I strain my ears to understand what she might want to tell him, but whatever I can make out doesn't help me in the least.

"Fragile..., coma..., painkillers..."

I try to regain my strength, but intolerable pain in my left arm and in my chest strips me of the weak hold I had on my body until then. My arm is in plaster, my chest completely bandaged, my still inert legs are covered with bandages and it also seems to me that my head has not been spared. I don't have time to react to all this before Milan enters my room again.

His face is much more relaxed now and he looks at me like I'm a wounded little animal. Hell, I don't like that! After playing the aloof guy, he has no interest in playing the compassionate guy. Fortunately for him, he recovers quickly and I finally find his true face. My friend's. The one who rocked my childhood, my adolescence and sometimes my dreams. The one who has always offered me a mixture of gentleness, assurance and playfulness.

I open my mouth to try to speak but the words get stuck in my throat. I cough loudly and manage to calm myself down. The flash of panic that crossed his face is drowning in his lagoon. Milan slumps in the chair to my right then stares at me for a long time. The silence between us is strange. We have never been embarrassed by our silences but today, everything is different. Embarrassment, incomprehension and distance blur our beautiful memories.