I Got The Life I Longed For After I Ended It.

*Trigger warning.*

This chapter include self harm.

Prologue

Under the cold, dark night, I stand tall. I've always found it hard to breathe as life is very suffocating. It feels so... heavy. As if I carry the whole wretched world and its bombardment of problems. Why does it have to be so heavy?

My everyday life is so heavy and there's no change at all. I don't know what I am living for.

Living is just suffocating.

A noose feels like a necklace. I wonder what she felt wearing one. Those evanescent seconds in time. Perhaps she felt better dying on her own. Hanging on her neck rather than his hands. But that old man is already dead.

Finally...

The home is empty. Nothing but a man hanging on his neck with his final breaths catches a glimpse of illumination. Dimness led me towards luminosity. The light I was looking for... hoped for... longed for...

It's cold... and dark here... please come find me... I... just want to be found again.

CHAPTER 1

30 Years From Now,

I Will Find You.

The alarm blasts to wake me up. "This damn alarm clock." then the alarm immediately turned off.

Morning again, I need to go to my job huh. To that overworked and underpaid job again. Later it'll be noon. Then comes the night again. And alas, another repetitive morning of the day.

Makes me wonder why I should even wake up.

Today's gonna be the same as yesterday. And tomorrow, today. Nothing's ever new.

As I murmured under my blanket I heard someone walk past me, then sunny light rays seared me through as someone opened up the curtains."Huh?" I tried to look at who It was and I only saw a silhouette.

Who could it be? I live alone. The over-stacking thoughts woke my scrambled brain from a deep sleep.

"Oh good! You're awake now, Juster! Good morning. Come on, get up now and let's eat. I cooked breakfast. "

Upon hearing that voice, I immediately knew whose it was... A voice... a voice that I haven't heard since childhood.

I-it's my Mom!

But how? Why? Why is Mom here? She's been away for years...

Why are you here?

I feel like I'm having a terrible case of Deja vú. My surroundings. Even this room. This room when I was a child. It all feels so familiar! The difference is just that it feels much brighter than before.

Then I remembered what had happened. Last night. That cold and lonely night. "Oh, I guess it's just my memories coming back to me, flashing back after taking my own life. Ha, so much for fine nostalgia, though I wish I could remain here," as I told Mom of it, she looked at me worriedly. She gently hugged and patted me on my head.

"What are you saying, Juster?! What do you mean you took your own life? Don't ever think of that again. We love you. You're probably still dreaming. "

The old man, huh? He didn't even see me as his son. He can't even stand the sight of me. So how does he love me? While my mom hugged me tight, I saw someone. I feel a familiar sense of disgust and hatred. Someone that I despised. The one who couldn't take my existence. It's my father.

I take back what I said. It's all nothing but unpleasant memories. What is this old fucking man even doing here? As I shivered, enraged. The old man headed toward me. OH, YOU'RE APPROACHING ME? Shocking, as you loved avoiding me the whole time. Let me guess you can't beat the shit outta me without getting closer.

When he finally reached me, I received not a beating but a smile. For so long, he smiled like a Cheshire cat. What the hell is going on? I'm so dumbfounded by what I saw. He even lifted me up from my bed.

"Are you awake now, son? Let's go eat breakfast, Juster. Mom has cooked something special."

It was the very first time that he called me a son. Heck, it was the first time he said my name. "Let's eat breakfast and I'll drop you off at school. You must be so excited, huh. First time attending school and meeting your classmates." What are you saying?! You didn't even care about me or my life. Not at all. And that school? I'LL NEVER EVER GO TO IT AGAIN!

My father carries me on his shoulder. "Let's go now, Juster!" My father called me while smiling. I don't understand this at all. It feels like my memories, but not exactly as I remember. My brain is being dissonant with me, trying to play games. What's going on? My father brought me to the kitchen table and in front of me was Mom's warm cooked food.

The smell of Mom's cooking is so savory. I wished I had a taste of it when I was still alive. Look at all this. I rarely had tender, juicy bacon before, honey-blended pancake, garlic-flavored fried rice, and cheesy scrambled eggs. I remember all of the foods we had were nothing but junk and instant foods only purchased from convenience stores. "Eat now before the food gets cold," Mom chirped.

"That's right! Let's eat now and Juster, make sure you eat enough okay? I'm sure you want to have lots and lots of energy to make friends in your school." My father replied

Friends huh? I couldn't even make friends. No one wants to do anything with me. What I only have are enemies. I can't have any due to my family. So how?

"And make sure you find yourself a cute girl in your class and bring her home okay? Hehe." My father said playfully. "Hey! Juster's too young for that yet!" My mother replied.

"Oh come on, honey. Can anyone refuse our boy's charm? After all he takes after me. What a waste if he won't have it though, right?" My father said while pinching my cheeks. "Anyways eat up now."

I'm still confused about all this. If it was a memory, this did not happen. But… this ain't bad at all. I just wish it happened while I was still breathing and alive. But I'm already long gone, and now it's just my brain playing lucid dreams on me. Dreams are so unreachable. If I can redo everything in my life, I hope it's like this. What a wonderful world.

But then again, everything feels so real, even for a stupid flashback. Their warm, caring touch, the scent of aromatic food, and the pleasant sight of their smiles were all in front of me. I can recognize and feel myself inside the house. I can use all of my senses! How strange. It's way too real for a lucid dream. Just how?

After eating, as I tried to figure things out, I looked at the mirror and was shocked at the sight of my face. It's a young boy's face! I tried washing my face to see if I only saw things. "It's me! It's really me. But… from 30 years ago. Hmmm." Then I touched my face. "Oh no! It can't be?! Did I travel through time? It's impossible! There's no existing button that can reset things in the world! What if there is? Maybe… just maybe, I could save him."

I rushed outside to Mom and asked her what the date was. "Uhmmm oh, it's June 4, 2012." What is the actual hell?! I'm back to 28 years ago?! This means I'm 7 years old now. Hmmm, but it's not exactly the case. It's June 4, 2012. No, not on this day! The day that I'll never forget. The day that tipped the balance of my whole life, where everything became a misery. The day that forced me to kill myself. Why? Good God, do I need to suffer again? Is this my punishment for taking my life?

CHAPTER 1 -END-

To be continued.

PS.

This chapter is only rebooted version of "After I Suicide, My Life Restarted With The Life I Longed For." chapter 1. I reboot this story to make it more sensitive to other reader. I also changed the words on the title because it might be triggering. AND I REPEAT, THIS IS ONLY WORK OF FICTION. I don't intend to glorify or normalize the self harm. Its a bad thing at all.