He Did It With a Fart

*To be read after Chapter 15- Establishing a Home*

We enter the Super-Big Planetary System, existing at the very center of the Super-Big Galaxy, which is as creative a name as any... I guess.

Here, five monumentally gigantic planets were closely packed together, like celestial siblings each with their own unique characteristics. Some of them had more moons than the others, some were multicolored, some of them even had massive holes that could be seen even from outer space. Orbiting around one 'super-big' star, these planets housed beings of unmatched intelligence- at least that was what they said about themselves.

The Super-Big Planetary System was named after the same individual that the entire galaxy was named after, which should come as no surprise. This person was a mighty figure in all the universe, bearing a name synonymous with death and destruction. Whenever he ventured across the galaxy to visit one of the many worlds, those that inhabited them would run and hide for fear of looking upon him.

In all the galaxy there was not one person that would dare to meet his gaze nonchalantly.

Great was his temper, feared was his army of interplanetary 'Super-Big Soldiers,' and revered was his title as the Super-Big Ruler of the Super-Big Galaxy.

Who was he? Who was this man that had sentenced countless people to death for just looking at him the wrong way?

You are about to find out!

At the border of the Super-Big Galaxy's primal chaos zone, which existed to divide the universe's galaxies, was a stationary rock looking to be a fragment of a humongous shattered meteor. Huge, thick chains were bolted into the base of this rock, affixed to space itself and ensuring the rock could not move.

Built atop it was a tall castle, rectangle-esque and brightly colored. It stood a whopping nine hundred feet with inner-wall pillars and a single massive blue flag, the banner of which was a long white 'f.'

Within the keep, at the very top of it all, a group of armored guards were kneeling before their lord. He was standing at the top of the keep, overlooking the rest of the castle and the faraway stars and planets. This was the 'Super-Big' Ruler, dressed in a bright red tunic with black sleeves, red gloves with gold trims, black pants, a black belt with a gold buckle and black boots. His short red cape fluttered behind him, his hands clasped beneath it, behind his back.

On his head was a red hat with a white top, out of which fell his sleek black hair. His powder blue eyes glittered with self-satisfaction and pride, the sharp black brows above them also glistening in the starlight.

There was a light amount of stubble on his face, giving him the look of a dignified yet masculine ruler.

"Your Hugeness, the Ogre Clan has vanished from the Swampy-Shit World. After two days of searching, I regret to you inform you that they may have fled the galaxy."

One of the armored guards bowed his head lower than normal in anxious anticipation of his lord's reaction. You can imagine his surprise when the Super-Big King merely chuckled, his voice sounding almost adenoidal as he said, "No matter, Sir Flamboyant! There are more pressing matters to attend to, huhu!"

He turned around, looking at his kneeling subjects and frowning. With an irritated expression, he snapped his fingers and said, "Jeeves."

Hurriedly and fearfully, a butler rushed to him and placed a stepladder and stool before him. Clearing his throat, the Super-Big King stepped onto it and chuckled.

"As I was saying, the matter of the ogre and ogress is of little importance to me now."

Confused, since their lord had spent almost five years searching the galaxy for the ogres, his subjects looked up at him and awaited his explanation.

"As you all know, I was once a weak, small man living in a tiny hole somewhere. After a series of life-changing events, and a few tight spaces, I was thrust from the rear end of the Scarlet Dragoness and forced to suffer many days alone in the wastelands. It was there, far beneath the surface of the planet, that I discovered the legacy of the Giant Celestial Emperor and cast off my previous identity. I would be 'Lord Farquaad' no more!"

Beneath their helms, the guards wore blank and annoyed expressions. They had heard this same story far too many times and were unable to understand why he was bringing this up again.

"I used that to strengthen myself, discarding the smallness of my personage and becoming the Super-Big King, ruler of my very own galaxy!"

He paused to laugh, but once he realized that no one was laughing with him he glared down at them in a rage.

"Ahaha!"

"Your Hugeness is a true legend! Your story shall be told for years and years..."

"Haha! Indeed, I am, but flattery will get you nowhere so stop distracting me."

At that moment, each of his guards were suppressing the rising desire to slap this tiny man to death. He would kill them immediately afterward, but they did not care.

"It has come to my attention that the other Galaxy Lords will be travelling to the Heavenly Gate to welcome the new Mythical Envoy. Of course, I will be in attendance. Thus, I require the strongest and most capable of my men to accompany me. If I can impress the envoy and win their favor, our Super-Big Galaxy could be blessed beyond measure, expanding even intergalactically."

Forgetting their previous feelings, the guards all gasped and reeled in shock. Their lord was nothing if not resourceful and shameless. If anyone could kiss up to the envoy and win their favor, it would be their lord. Of this they were sure.

"Those ogres are of little significance now. The envoy could easily deliver them into my hands if they wished, so I must get in good with them."

"Understood, Lord Farquaad, sir- Ah crap..."

Sadly, one of the knights had a fatal slip-of-the-tongue-accident. It was known among the knights that the name 'Lord Farquaad' was taboo now that he had created a new identity for himself. Anyone that dared to use it would be executed.

Having dwelt on the Super-Big King's words from earlier, the knight accidentally said this name instead of addressing the king by his title.

"You dare!?"

"EEK! Wait, Super-Big King, sir, I beg you!!!! Please!!!" As he begged for his life, the other knights hurried to distance themselves from him. The king smiled, then suddenly burst into boisterous laughter.

"Oh, you! I know it was an accident, so don't worry." After snapping his finger, Jeeves carefully brought the stool- with the king on it- over to the kneeling knight. Once he was in front of that crying knight, he put a hand on his shoulder.

"Your Hugeness you... You won't kill me?"

"Of course not! You're one of my knights, are you not?"

The knight tensed up, remembering just how many knights had already died for the same thing. Was the king forgetful or something?

The King removed his hand and turned around, his lower back directly opposite the knight's relieved face. Suddenly, his body stiffened and he grunted. Seconds later, a wet toot was heard coming from his backside.

The Super-Big King had farted in his knight's face.

Much to their horror, the knight suddenly cried out in pain and tried to pinch his nose. Sadly, he had already been exposed to the gases. His eyes rolled up into his head and he fell onto his back, convulsing and twitching; dead.

In their heads, the guards were screaming like frightened little girls, even more terrified of their lord. He had truly taken offense even though he said he didn't, reminding them that they should absolutely never make the same mistake.

After all, no one wanted to die in such a way. He did not do it with a sword or knife, but a fart. He had carried out his punishment swiftly and vengefully.

And he really did do it with a fart.