Chapter 1: Unrequited love

Nyx POV

Love. Love. Love. What is love? What is it actually? Is it something that we can feel? We can see or touch? Something that could make us happy or sad or even make us devastated? I have never been inlove since I knew. I want to know how does love actually feels. I am always wondering, what does it take to be inlove, how does it feel? Will I go crazy just like what I have seen on dramas?

Well, I never knew. Not until I experienced it myself.

I had a friend, a boy bestfriend to be exact. His name was Erebus, Erebus Wayne Gonzales. What a lovely name for a very gorgeous man, it suits him well. He has been my friend ever since high school. He is the kind of person that is a softy inside and out, a sweet one, thoughtful, caring and protective at most of the times. What a perfect boyfriend material! Yet he's my best friend. My one and only boy best friend.

I was distant to my male classmates for a reason I don't even know. It was like when I get in touch with every male species, I would be sick with their thoughts on women like they see a woman as an excess baggage, a burden on their shoulders, a passing fancy to them. I am sick of their stupid lines, flowery words and all, it was all those lame sugar-coated, honey-filled, and garden-like words that I would always want to throw up. I want to vomit with those stupid words coming from them. Like ughh it was so d*mn disgusting.

They could say that I am an angel when being looked upon from afar but is actually a  little demon when in front of them, specially when they got to see my infamous blank stare or worse my death glare. I would always roll my eyes on boys who keep on talking to me, do something to show that they were some kind of gems that I have to grab, or acting manly in front of me just to get my attention, and ughh its f*ckin' annoying. And because of that they would call me a man-hater, the infamous man-hater of Crimson High. But I didn't know, or maybe I have known it since then? And I just don't mind? I don't know it's just that I hate how they got to manipulate girls around them, feed with the words of their tongue and never put it in act. Like duhh, they are all like a piece of bullsh*ts. They tend to let other one know and feel that they care and they love the latter but they actually never seem to be sincere, it was just a lie. Purely a lie. What a wonderful lying convincing son of a b*tch.

But despite of all those hates I trash on them and their kind,  Erebus was an exception.

He was the only exception of me keeping myself a distance from guys. I don't like being with guys but not with Erebus. He is my kind of peace, my very own tissue, pillow, stuff toy, my personal diary, my extra arms and shoulder, my prince, my knight in shining armour, my king in our own built kingdom in short my very own comfort zone, aside from my family and girl bestfriends.

Just like a fairytale, we have been sticking together through ups and downs and gone through it still staying strong. But it seems that not all fairytales would end up with a happily ever after, because some would  happen in just once upon a time.

I didn't know that time will come that we would part ways, find our own dose of happiness, and explore the world with someone we would choose to be with. Time will come that he would have to loosen the grip off my hands and walk through his own direction while I have to watch him off and start walking through my very own path. Yeah I definitely didn't know that this time would come but yeah here it is, it's waving on my way and had been creeping to my heart.

It happened when we graduated in high school. We parted ways and take different paths in fulfilling our dreams. We go to different universities where we could take our step in our journey. It is not easy for me to start over again, being alone and having no one to talk to aside from myself.  To start a day without him, to go the classroom without Erebus in front of the door while waiting patiently, a week without my bestfriend to spend with, a month without him, without my very own comfort place. Imagine I spent almost half of my life with him by my side.  Without him everything is plain, lifeless and dull. I don't have my stretching arms  when I fell down, no safest place when I got scared, no bestfriend when I needed moral support. I am all alone now. I missed him so much. I missed how he turn up the mood from gloomy to bright. I missed how he put a smile on my lips. I missed every silly and corny jokes he did just to make me laugh when I am sad. I missed how he make himself look like an idiot just to hear my laugh.  I missed him so d*mn much, but I have nothing else to do but miss him for we are miles apart. Maybe as time goes by, I would get used to it. I hope so.

Time passed so fast, just like how fast it pass when you are still enjoying and savoringthe moment yet it moves slow when you are waiting, clock is ticking as the hour glass moves. And here I am still missing every bit of those memories with him, missed every strand of those hairs I used to play with.  I missed him more than how I missed him before.  I sighed.

"There's nothing else I could do aside from missing you from afar Erebus, it was like you took half of my life with you"

I was scrolling on facebook since I am super duper bored. I am trying to divert myself from missing him and get distracted over something. Then a  notification popped out on my screen stating Erebus was in a relationship.. and the weird thing I felt the moment I  saw it, is that I felt sad. After I saw that status update, I felt like someone has robbed my heart from it's ribcage.  I don't even know why I felt sad. I was supposed to be happy seeing my bestfriend being with someone he loves. But I felt the other way around, I felt betrayed.

Huh? Why do I even feel that I was betrayed? I kept on asking myself why? Why do I feel that way? I run my fingers harshly to my cheeks and felt my wet face. I didn't notice my tears flowing.. Why do I felt hurt? Is it because I was used to be the only one he cared about? His only princess in our own kingdom? Or there's something more than that. Something deeper that my little brain can't even imagine, something that my stupid braincells cant even relate. Is there something going on me? Am I getting jealous? Am I?

With all these I dont know what is it called pent-up feelings, this weird  feeling I felt with his relationship status, I still managed to congratulate him...

'I don't even know why does it hurt a little though. I don't know why do I feel this way. Am I on the stage of being inlove? Nope I'm not going there" I sighed again. I am hopeless. And clueless with this stupid stuffs and thoughts lingering on my little brain and so d*mn useless braincells. Duhh I think I just need some sleep.

Yeah I guess I only need some sleep. No lots and lots of sleep.

Months passed and that unknown feelings grow even more, it is way more deeper than last time yet I still can't manage to name it.

'Am I already getting in there? In that thing they called love?' I shook my head in disagreement with my own thought. No I'm not going there. But what if I am, what if I already am.

One day while strolling I accidentally bumped on someone. An accident that could lead into something wonderful. Bumping someone was just an accident for me since I didn't knew, and I never did it on purpose. But I didn't think that this stranger could be someone I can rely on, someone who can make me smile, laugh, make him my handkerchief when I feel sad or when I felt like crying, someone who I can be comfortable with, a person who was an another exception from distancing myself to guys. He was Eros. But he's no more than a friend. Erebus was still all over my system. Of course he never left my heart. He was just there, right there inside hearing my rants, my sobs, my chuckles, my childishness and everything like he used to. But then reality slaps me hard. He was way far away from me.

I got no more news about my bestfriend, and it pained me. It was like i was being stabbed a million times, my heart being crushed into pieces, very, very fine pieces. And it hurts like hell when I remember how he always remind me that no matter what happens we will be each others priority. We will remain each others extending arm, and back.

What a lie. Where are you now? I need you but you were not around.

But... that was long ago, our situation now was never been the same as it was supposed to be. It was way too different like how we used to be long ago. We have different paths, different person around us, decisions to make and everything that was never the same.

Now I can smile ear to ear with Eros, laugh with his silly jokes and be comfortable with him but I could still feel the emptiness inside. I still feel a hole inside my heart waiting for someone to fill it in. Eros confessed that he loves me, but I know I don't feel the same. Maybe I was still hoping that Erebus would remember me, remember me the way he does, the way he always do.

'Why do am I still hoping for you to remember me? Why do I have this kind of stupid feelings. It hurts you know, but then I can't stop my heart from feeling it. Am I inlove?'

Then realization hit me, maybe the reason why I am suffering, why I am in pain right now is because I have been inlove with him all this time.

A lone tear escaped from my eyes upon remembering the fact that he already has special someone. He is seeing someone more important than I am. It hurts. It f*king hurts, it sucks to fall inlove with your bestfriend knowing that he can't reciprocate your feelings at all.

One lonely night, a former classmate message me. It was about our class reunion. And everyone in our batch would be attending.

"Hey Nyx would you come?"

"I don't know. Maybe" I said with uncertainty.

"Oh come on, we would be reunited just once, so please"

"Okay" I sighed in defeat. Maybe I should go.

We have been having our get together with our classmates and friends in high school. Yeah friends, I still have other friends aside from Erebus, but he's the only boy being friends with me for all of my friends were girls.

We've been having our chitchat with my girl friends when my ever beloved bestfriend came, entering the venue with his jaw-dropping aura.. D*mn it I wanted to erase these damn stupid feelings for him but how can I do it now? I know he has his girlfriend and I as bestfriend should support him..

"Hey Nyx" he said happily as he walk towards me and immediately pulled me for a hug.

Excited eih?

A very warm and tight hug for someone you have missed for a long period of time, that was what he give me. I hugged him back as tight as he did. He just chuckled with my response, hearing his chuckles makes my heart throbbing fast as if I'm on a race running to get the winner's place. But I definitely know that I am not the winner. It is as clear as crystal that I am not the winner, someone already have claimed it. Someone already have won his heart. And sadly I am not the one.

There's no need for more words for we know gesture is enough for us to understand each other, the tight hugs is enough for us to know how much we missed each other. Of course, we know each other very well,  but I guess not anymore, he didn't even know that I love him.

F*ck this stupid heart, f-ck you for loving your bestfriend, F-ck you for this stupid feelings making our relationship to be at risk if ever I would confess, can you not love that bestfriend of yours? Can you? But i know very well that I can't darn it.

___

"So man how are you?" one of my classmates asked him.

"Still handsome as ever" he said confidently.. d*mn you bastard, f*ck that confidence. 

"Haha, you're really something bro" he just chuckled..

"How's love life lover boy?" another one asked.

He just shrugged his shoulders. 

"We broke up" he said in a plain tone like an i-don't-hella-care about expression.

What? They broke up? That b*tch why did she hurt him, why did she hurt someone I treasured the most, why did she throw something I badly wanted to keep?

____

"Guys, let have a game, this would be called 'never have I ever' and if you made that statement he or she stated you would drink bottoms up no need for explanation since we're too many" our batch president announced and these bunch of idiots made some noise expressing how happy they are with her announcement.

We suit ourselves in a long table with drinks.. and yeah someone or maybe everyone would get drunk after this piece of sh*tty game.

"Okay so let's start" they announced

"Never have I ever kissed someone who's not my boyfriend or girlfriend" my jaw dropped when almost half of the batch drank up boys and girls and what shocked me was the one beside me drinking up by that statement none other than my ever beloved bestfriend Erebus. Then he turn his gaze on me. Seeing my half opened mouth in shock with what he did or whatsoever, he just smirked. What the actual fudge?

I can't remember what they were saying after that because I was still shocked by what I knew about bestfriend. My senses came back to me as I heard Yannah saying.

"Last.. Never have I ever fell inlove with a friend" I gulped. Dang it. I quickly grabbed a drink without minding their gaze.

"Guys enough of this, let's go home"

___

"Hey Nyx, you okay?" he asked in a worried tone. And here my heart was going crazy as f*ck as he is beside me. But at the back of my mind I was hoping and wishing that I could be the one. I mentally chuckled at my misery, while hearing my heart being ripped apart silently like a thief in the middle of the night.

"Hey Nyx" he asked me again that bring back all my senses. I just nod at him as he walk me through my apartment. I don't know what was ge thinking as of the moment. He was just silent and I am not comfortable of it. I don't know if it is the right time to say it to him but I just wanted him to know how I feel. I know I'd be risking our friendship but I don't care. He may have the idea already but I just want to make it clear.

'No Nyx, you would be putting your friendship in danger' I reminded myself. But my other conscience was telling me the other way around.

And just like once in a very cliche moment in a romance novel, like a drunk girl with the man she secretly fell in love with, I almost kissed the floor upon entering my unit and thanks to his reflexes he caught me and gather me into his arms. I turned my gaze to him but to my surprise we're just few inches apart. He look straight to my eyes as I was to him. My head was clouded with thoughts.

'How does it feel to be kissed by someone you like, by someone you dearly loved?' I thought.

I don't know what am I doing as of the moment but I just noticed that I am leaning in closer to him while looking at his lips then look back to his face. My head has gone turmoil and had been clouded with thoughts that I didn't notice what am I doing. I just knew it when my lips touched his, but I am not sorry for what I did. he was stunned for a moment, yeah who would not? Your bestfriend just kissed you. But who the hell cares. I just kissed him like a girl who is so inlove with her partner.  And to my surprise he also kissed me. He kissed me back. It's not that I am complaining but he did just  kissed me back like a boyfriend responding to his girlfriend's touch. And now we are kissing like couples do, kissing like we miss each other so damn much, like our life depends on each others lips. We just stopped when we were almost out of breath.

And I know this time he already realized that he was the one I am pertaining to in that game earlier. Erebus has a sharp mind. Still panting, he just gave me a questioning look. I knew he wants a confirmation.

"Nyx" he uttered while still panting and breathing hard.

"Sorry but I'm not sorry for what I did, sorry for loving you more than a friend but loving you was one of the best feeling I ever had" I said straight to his eyes

I'm saying sorry because you're my bestfriend, I'm sorry for feeling this way more than a friend, I'm sorry for loving you more than a friend. I'm sorry for crossing the line. I'm sorry but I love you.