Our First Persons

List of Things I Thankfully Learned Earlier in Life:

Two. I love him more now that he could really no longer be mine.

Ninth grade, after transferring curriculum, I became one of that class's top students. Easily climbing ranks and replacing their first. Although it wasn't always like that. There were only two students alternating the first ranks every grading period. He was either a rank above or a rank lower than I. Surprisingly enough, not once we ever tied.

For the rest of the academic months, since my transfer, I've done nothing but made sure he never gets first. Not because I wanted it for myself, but because it could never be him. I didn't even realized he's from the same class as I was back in 5th and 6th grade. We've been grouped, we've been paired. And each time, we always get to be…best. But not without the constant argument of who gets to lead, who gets to plan and who gets to be actually boss around. Ninth grader self was childish and petty, to that I admit.

But what irked me wasn't the fact that he firmly insisted on his ideas. It was how he's done every single suggestion. How he's taken every single one of mine. The guy actually listened, with respect and patience at that. How he was firm of his own points, never mocked me for mine. Oh, every time, they were humbly explained. And I hate how half the time, he was right.

I realized that he was a smart kid halfway through the academic year. That we actually have the same initial thoughts about matters, but I've decided to disagree with myself just to not agree with him. From seemingly endless discussions, best outputs were polished. And obviously, in the end, we got to terms favoring the team. Ours.

My friends knew what was going on. I was never a bully. In fact, I just recently overcame my overly shy and silent attitude. But when it came to him, I made sure he knew he couldn't be better than I am. No harsh words were thrown by this tongue, never hurt anybody, just the usual petty one from your usual rivalry pair. And I hated my past self for being so stingy towards someone that's done nothing but unfortunately became my competition. If only I realized back then what my sudden change of attitude towards a single person meant.

-

Senior High School. Enter, 11th grade. The both of us enrolled for the same strand. Us both, and another friend, joining the same strand. Our rivalry ceased in an instant. The realization hit us both, that we needed to help one another to do better than others. Rivals turned to a solid pair. We now got to accomplish things together. For good few months, I realized, this should've been how I spent the last two years with someone as helpful as he was. A partner, not a rival. Around the same time, I found out I was petty because I liked him. Down bad. What was that? The more you hate, the more you love? Were the girls actually right?

I learned how to depend on someone I used to think a threat, academically of course. I started admitting how much of a hard worker he was, and complimented his diligence. Instead of denying his concepts, I readily agreed to each of them. My friend knew what was going on.

For weeks, I remember, I came to regret not making my feelings known, even to myself. Because in an instant, our pair was no longer. It was made obvious that we were simply rivals that came to be academic buddies. And because I couldn't help but cover my feelings with denials and childish methods, I've missed my chances.

Oh, how it hurt to be the girl with unrequited feelings. To be that person who's watched him grow to be the man that would be holding another lady's hand.

What would have changed, if only I was honest?

That, I remember, was the first. Real deal, a cut through the chest. And worst was that we both knew, something changed between him and I. That even he admitted to have avoided something, had hesitations and doubts about something we can never name. So, as we were sharp-witted, we acted dumb. Like nothing happened.

-

From others, I've heard, we are all tolerant of our firsts. First love, first friends, first every person. Especially ones that's given us no reason for hate, pain and trauma. Just the not uncommon, bittersweetness.

And as of this day, my 4th year of college, I still think of him. He's on his grad year. The ever-achiever he is. In the end, he's chosen a course shorter than mine. Who knew I'd be completing college at a later year because finally, he's decided he wanted to become a civil engineer and I, an architect. Our partnership extended even into the future, rivalry too, if I must kid.

That day we decided to not address whatever that was and exchanged apologies for having stepped over the line but never really crossing, we settled with being just friends at that moment. Throughout the years, we've now casually been helping one another from the sidelines. Little by little, I felt my feelings for him morphed into something. We got over the more awkward times in our relationship. We started hanging out more. Laughing louder around each other and even joked about how he ignored me for a romantic relationship that did not even last until we marched out of our alma mater. We now openly blame each other for it. We started sharing even greater burdens, not with him alone but with the other two friends that stayed throughout half the senior years and earlier in college. My heart started feeling lighter as time went by. I knew then what was going on.

I am certain, that while I no longer have romantic feelings for him, he's become more important to me now. The rival that came to be a partner. I stopped wondering why we could not make an arrangement and try again, with us not being with someone else. Honestly, I am more content with what we have now. Besides, I love him more now, because he's become a dear friend. He'll always be the boy I almost grew up with, the first love that's never been mine. The boy my past self hated, loved and hated. But the man he is now…I cherish the stability of our friendship today. To which I think would be a better fit for us, two.

We all had such stories to tell. And I've written to let you know, that he may have my past as bittersweet as it was, the future will be yours and yours alone. This time, ready and mature enough to not let go.