Determined To Prove Himself

Luca felt he had gone far past the angry feeling he had when he woke up, but when she said it was a problem that she liked when he touched her, he felt his eyebrows lower and a familiar, uncontrollable feeling inside of his skull. He wanted to be upset with her, but his confusion often presented as anger instead. 

To try and mitigate the feeling, he heaved a sigh and put a hand over his forehead, his large shoulders slumping. 

"Why is that such a problem?" he asked. 

To Sophia, he was like a large animal and any wrong move might upset him. She was trying to walk on eggshells around him because she didn't know how he would handle her rejection. 

As he was pulling himself together, though frustrated by her words, she stepped towards the closet and put her shoes and purse away. 

"It's making me confused," she admitted, her back against the closet door as she pressed it closed with a gentle click. "A week ago I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself and my life, but when you're next to me I keep feeling out of control… Of my life and myself." 

"You're helping me figure myself out," he said. "Why can't we do that for each other?" 

Sophia sighed and her shoulders slumped. She started walking towards the stairs as if to say the conversation was going to be over soon. 

"Because I just want to be safe," she confessed weakly. "My heart was broken recently. I'm trying to figure out what it's like to be by myself. I need to grow up at some point and get used to this feeling." 

"You don't have to get used to it," he urged, his voice strained. "I want to be by your side, you just won't let me." 

She had been avoiding his eyes but she turned to him, an alarmed expression on her face. 

"That just can't happen," she said, louder this time. "I don't want to disappoint you, too. It's better if I forget about the silly things I've been feeling for you because I can't guarantee you'll stay around forever. I don't know anything about your life. We could be completely incompatible." 

"You won't let me prove myself," he said, his voice turning dark. "There's something inside of me that's telling me that won't be the case. I'll quit whatever life I have and be by your side if I have to. No one has come looking for me in a week. I must not have very many people who care about what happens to me." 

He didn't realize just how complicated his life was. They hadn't been bothered by anyone searching for him because they were still figuring out how not to cause a scene. It was dangerous that he already made himself known to so many people.

"You don't need to prove yourself to me!" she finally snapped. "You're great. You're kind. I can tell you're smart, too. It's me who can't handle disappointing you. I don't want to see you wind up hating me and regretting saying these things to me. Nothing has hurt me worse than realizing the point at which someone stopped loving me. I've never pretended to be a strong person. I can't stop hurting." 

Sophia could tell something was physically wrong with her. She knew it was escalating but she was too terrified to see the extent of her defectiveness. Even at that moment, there was a lingering pain just because she was getting worked up from the conversation. It reminded her that she wouldn't be able to ever give herself to him physically. 

"Are you referring to what that asshole said to you?" Luca asked in disbelief. "I can assure you that I will never act like that." 

Sophia stared at him, returning his disbelief. Was he not understanding what she was saying? She decided she had to be more direct. 

"I can't have sex with you," she finally said, shame evident in her voice. "What man wants a woman like that? I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm too scared to figure it out. That's why it was hard for Grant to love me. I can't even blame him for that." 

Sophia didn't feel like there was anything else he could say to that. She started to turn away and walk up the stairs. There was a lump in her throat and her eyes felt wet as she tried to hold in the tears that came from her shame. 

Luca grabbed her wrist and turned her towards him before she could escape him completely. His expression was frustrated again, but not for the reason she was thinking. 

"I'm not asking you to give yourself to me," he said. "There are other ways for people to get to know one another. I know that much. I will never pressure you into doing anything if I'm not met with explicit enthusiasm." 

She tried to wrench her arm from his grasp but he held on.

"There isn't a man out there who would be okay waiting, never knowing if I'll be able to give them what they want," she persisted. 

Luca had to hold back again and take a deep breath so he wouldn't act irrationally. He felt it wasn't fair that he was being punished for the transgressions of other men.

"Please stop lumping me in with all other men," he said as calmly as he could. 

Sophia turned to him, surprised to hear a genuinely hurt tone coming from him. She hadn't meant to hurt him while explaining why it would never work between them. 

At the miserable expression he wore, she couldn't muster up a simple "no". She still wanted him and it was obvious he still wanted her. 

"Can I think about this for a while?" she asked quietly. "I just need some time." 

"How long, Sophia?" he asked. 

He wondered a few times why he was going through all the trouble but he couldn't escape the gut feeling he was having. Even if she didn't mean anything to him before the accident, she meant something to him after. 

"Just let me sleep," she said. "We can talk tomorrow after I've cleared my head a little bit." 

He couldn't deny her room to think. It was the most positive answer he had received from her so far. 

Giving in, he let go of her arm and she quickly escaped up the stairs.

She knew it was going to be a long night.