LAST MOMENTS

The ride after that is silent and I wonder what happened to that chirpy person who wanted to have a conversation with me so bad went. I plug in my earphones as I drift into my world.

I had never gone down this road before. It was dark and empty I did not know which direction to take. I did not know what I was doing or what I was supposed to do.

All I knew was that I had to see it out through. It was dark and cold like it was a ghost town. There was no one there it was just me my feelings and my thoughts.

I could not be happy for a long time because slowly my brain shifted and I was in another dimension. A place I did not want to be in. It's like I was being trapped there intentionally so I could deal with my issues. How was I supposed to heal things I did not have a clue on how to deal with?

For months on end, I had had my hours so I thought about it a thousand things. I had thought about it more than I could accept it.

I thought I had found a way to shut the voices in my head. It had become my greatest fear. It tires me to pieces to the point where it felt nice. I had endured pain to the point where I now liked how it made me feel. It felt like home. I was comforted by sadness to the point where I liked the feeling.

I had become numb so I wanted to feel something and my body welcomed the sadness like it was a part of us. There was a time when my friend was the guy you on the moon but then one day I called on him and he did not answer. It's like he had given up on me. I was a lost cause if even he could not help me. I wanted to believe in him but day by day I wondered if he was there.

I wondered where someone got the courage to slit their wrists. I wondered if it was a painful way the blood oozed from your body as the life left your body. Did someone need drugs?

I thought that if it was me maybe I would need the drugs so I would get the courage to do it. I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant I would get peace. I would shut off my brain completely.

I wanted that peace. It's like I was not in control of my body anymore and I hated it. I was always thinking about something and no matter what I did I could not get to shut the voices in my head, it just got worse.

I wondered what it felt like when someone died. Did it hurt them? When their life flashed before their eyes did they wish they had not done it?

I had my own opinion of what happened when someone died. In the final moments of someone's life, they would feel. You always knew that you were going to fie a d that was the part that scared me the most.

No matter how much you wanted to fi, the time that you saw yourself dying it's when it hit you. You would die and then maybe you would finally have peace. You would stop fighting for something you were not going to win.

When someone died another heart was the first thing to stop. It would jump by stop beating to a halt and your body will lie lifeless. But then someone did not die immediately.

The blood was still flowing the only difference was that it did not have oxygen in it sooner or later it would reach the brains and that would be it. So someone had approximately five minutes after they died before their body shut off completely.

This was the time when someone had the dream of all dreams. You would dream bigger than you had ever dreamed before. You would see every moment you had in life. All the things you did including your favourite memories.

The rush of neurons to your brain would be too much to comprehend but then yet again these were the best moments of your life.

Mostly because with this many neurons being shit at your brains someone would even relieve their best childhood memories and then you would just be laying there waiting for the body to shut.

It's like the world was just naturally mean to people. People went through shit just to toughen up. That was a shitty way of describing what it felt like to live on earth.

I did not want to be strong. I did not want to go through traumatizing things so that when issues arose in future I had to know how to deal with them. Why did issues have to arise?

Could we not just live happily without having to worry about it. It had not made me strong. It had just made me more vulnerable. I thought everyone was out to get me. It's like I wanted to live life and no matter what I did it just went the other way.

"Baby are you okay ?" she asks.

"Yeah, why would I not be okay ?"I ask as I take a look at myself in the mirror.

"It's just that you were so happy when you woke up and you've been quiet since we left the house. You seem distracted coming here like you are elsewhere", she says.

"I just did not have anything to say ", I say.

"Okay If you need anything please came okay",s she says smiling softly.

"I won need you, the last time I needed you I called your phone and it went straight to voice personnel on can depend on s I take my bag and open the door. Her face changes like she was hurt and opens her mouth to say something and then she closes it again.

"Have a nice day", she says as she drives off.