CXII ||| Hel(l) in Paradise

My time magic surrounded everything subconsciously.

"Suicide? Are you fucking kidding me?" He yelled the second the portal closed and we walked into the living room where the couch is. "Have you fucking lost it, Hel? Have. You. Fucking. Lost. It?" Anger and sadness poured from his body like a volcano towards me. "If I break the mating bond, he'll be free? Are you bloody insane?" Everything that was pending on the walls turned to dust behind him. "Free for what? To kill myself after you?"

I gasped, overwhelmed by his anger, "Don't do this, Oliver."

He scowled, "You don't do this. It's you who's harming us, Hel. Not me."

"You don't understand!" I growled exasperated.

His eyes turned blood red, and he pushed me on the wall, making me hit my back, "I don't understand?" Oliver hissed.

"Oliver-"

"Shut up, let me talk for once," he yelled. "How can you say that? If there's one person on this bloody fucked up world who understands the danger of loving and losing the person whom I loved, just because of my own feelings for them, it's me, Wilhelmina. Don't fuck with me like that."

"Oliver."

"Don't!" He clenched his jaw. "Don't you Oliver me now. Do you genuinely think you are the only one scared in here? Do you fucking believe you are the one who are scared because we are mated? Because if you do, you couldn't be more blind. I am terrified of putting you in danger just because you are my mate, terrified of the second my parents will learn about this. That's what I feared the most all these years. While I dreamed and pled for you to come into my life quicker, a part of me didn't want that to happen because it would mean adding someone else on the list of people Darius and Violet will use to break me."

"You think I'm scared of the Dragon Queen? Of her harming me, Wilhelmina? Because I fucking am not. You know her, that's why you fear her. I know my parents, that's why I fear them. And I know that on the first possibility they see, they will fucking put you in deadly danger just to get me to despair again. Just to show how power they are. To prove their power over me, because I cannot use my powers against them."

"They killed my childhood best friends right in front of me, because I loved them. They manipulated me and made me murder all of my five older siblings, because I loved them. River is constantly in danger because I love him. What the fuck do you think they will do to you? Play lovely family? Accept that I have a mate just because that means I'll successfully be the next King? No. They will put you in danger, and will one hundred percent sure, try to kill you."

"I wouldn't be surprised if they tried to make me kill you just to prove a fucking point," he pressed me on the wall by my shoulders, making me face him up. "I am terrified. In fact, I have never been more terrified in my entire life. River is my little brother, but you are my mate. My mate. I am connected to you in a soul level, and I love you with all I have in me. You know this," he growled, face is pain, "so, why? Why do you do this?" And the heartbreaking pain made my vision blurry.

"Why do you insist in this? Why don't you listen to me? Why do you try to fight what you feel for me when I'm on my knees for you? Why do you keep breaking my heart? Why don't you let me in openly and fight through all of this with me? You think you are helping me, Wilhelmina? You are not. Bloody fucking hell, you are destroying me. Every single time you bring this up, I feel like you are stabbing my heart, and even though you know it breaks me like this, you don't fucking stop!" He cried.

Oliver fully cried. Tears of despair falling down his cheeks like a waterfall, taking my breath away, the pain too overwhelming to say a word. "Why… why don't you understand that together we are stronger? Why do you keep doing this to me? Every time we are okay, and in the best of our moments, you have to come and break it all with this fucking talk about breaking our mating… our mating bond," he punched the wall above me, making a hole through, his years falling non-stop.

His shoulders shaking, "What is so wrong with me? Why can you just accept me? Why don't you… why don't you take my hand and pass through all this with me? Why does it has to be without me? Why can't you just understand that what we have is unbreakable? Is it so unbearable to be mated to me? Why am I… why am I not enough for you? Why… why…" Oliver's voice broke. "I would never do this to you, so, why are you hurting me like this? Why do you refuse my love?"

"Why Wilhelmina? Why do you insist… in breaking us? I know… I know I'm not worthy… of you, but why? Why can't you give in? Why do you fight it? Is the way I love you… wrong? Is the way I care for you… not enough? Why do you act hot and cold with me? Why… why… I am your mate… I know you didn't want me to be… b-but I am your mate. Free me?" He sucked on his breath, "From… from what? Am I not loving you enough? Do you… do you doubt my feelings?"

"I won't… I won't be able to live without you, Wilhelmina," Oliver gasped, his pain vivid. "I won't. You're the only thing that… that gave me hope to keep going, to stay sane, to stay alive in all those years before you and I met. I can't live without you anymore. This… mating bond isn't what made us feel this way, Wilhelmina… even if there was a way to break it, I would never stop loving you, because what I feel isn't fake. It would make breaking it useless, because I'll still care for you with all my heart."

"You will still be my weakness, and I… I would gladly give my life if yours was in danger. I would give everything I have to make you… to make you give up on this. Please… I can't handle this anymore. It's tearing me apart…" he cried violently, still pressing me on the wall. Making it hard for me to move, to go to him. "It hurts too much… I won't let you do this. I can't. I won't let you give up on us for fear, I won't let you do anything to your life, I won't let you harm yourself, I won't let you do anything stupid that will break us."

"I won't fucking let you do this to us. I may not be enough… not be enough for you… or worthy of you, but I am all yours. I'm handing my heart to you, Wilhelmina, it was always yours to do whatever you want with it. I am entirely yours. Do anything, but please, please," he cried, pressing his forehead on mine, "don't try breaking our bond. You… you are all I have, all I ever wanted, all I have dreamed with, all I will ever wish for. You are where I begin and where I end. My mind is yours, my heart is yours, my soul is yours, my power is yours, my body is yours. Everything I own is yours. So why can't you-"

Holding the arm he was pressing me on the wall with, I held onto it, got on the very tip of my feet, and pressed my lips on his, tears falling down my cheeks in the same intensity as in his. And though he held himself for a second, he quickly gave in and free me from his grasp, and that was when I held onto his neck, making him bend his body to my height.

Oliver broke the kiss, annoyed, "You can't shut me up like this just because you-" Then I did it again, but this time I jumped on him, pushing my fluffy red fox slippers and enlacing my legs around him. "Don't do this," he growled. "Please…"

Why can't he understand? "Oliver," I called, breathless, holding his beautiful face in my hands with the utmost kindness I could gather in me.

"What?" He growled, not as angry as before, but still.

"You got it all wrong," I whispered.

Gulping, he stared at my teary eyes, "I don't think I did."

"I'm the one who's not worthy on you. I'm not… I'm not worthy of you. I'm not worthy of having someone like you, of feeling what you make me feel. It's not that you're not enough, it's that you are way more than I've ever deserved," gulping, looked into his eyes, refusing to break the eye contact, even if it meant showing him my weak crying self again. "That's what Belladonna meant."

"Earlier, when we were alone in the office… I panicked because she threw all this at my face. That I'm terrified, I keep lying to myself, I'm a fool who pushes everyone away from me. I'm not worthy of such a pure love with no reservations like yours, and I'm conflicted because I want you. I want you fervently, Oliver. And I'm not speaking in a sexual meaning, since I've made that clear already. I'm talking about you. I… can't bring myself to say it, because I'm a coward."

I pressed my right hand on his chest, "Despite trying hard not to fall so helplessly for you, my efforts are in vain. I keep finding myself wanting you, wanting to be good for you, wanting to be worthy of you, wanting to be sane for you, wanting to be a safe choice for you, wanting to be the mate you deserves, wanting to be to you what you are to me, to love with no reservations, to give myself entirely to this. I find myself wanting to be worthy of your heart, of your soul, but I'm not."

"My… my soul is in pieces, Oli," I cried. "In pieces. It's broken and I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix it. You… you deserve someone who is complete, who will be able to give you all you want… who isn't going to snap and lose her mind at any second, because I'm not sane, Oli. I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but I'm doing exactly that while trying to protect you. I'm too far gone, my mind is tricky, it's messed up. I'm messed up, I'm broken, I'm sick, and you deserves the world."

"You…" I pressed my shaky lips together. "You are the first thing I ever wanted for myself, you make me want to live, to give myself the privilege of having a life if I survive this war. But I am not worthy, I… I do not know how to allow myself to be with you in the way you deserve. I'm paranoid and the idea of losing you destroys me. I would prefer to do this myself than to have Meredith do it to me. It scares me in a mindlessly way, Oliver. It's not simple fear, it's terror, and when it takes over me, I can't control myself, I can't stop those thoughts that invade my mind."

"I can't help but to think that you will be better without me. That you will be safer if I'm not around you. That you will be able to live a life free of imminent danger if you're not with me. That breaking what binds us is the only way to saving you, not just from Meredith, but from me. My mom's death traumatized me too much, and I can't get my mind out of it. If she wasn't with me, she wouldn't have died. If we didn't love each other, Meredith wouldn't have used and killed her. If I hadn't been born, mom wouldn't have a weakness that caused her death. If I wasn't there, mom wouldn't have lost the fight against them, because they were using me to keep her in check."

"After all you've been through, I don't want to be one more person who's death will tear you apart, if I die. I don't want to be someone your parents will use to break you even further, because the idea of you suffering that again breaks my heart. You've endured a lot more losses than I did, and you are still standing. I endured only one and I'm still having difficulty to deal with the overwhelming pain, even after two thousand years. You're stronger than me, and you deserve someone who's as strong as you are."

"Your deserve someone clean, Oliver, and I'm anything but that. If I was or not used, it doesn't matter. I didn't kill the people I did because I was being manipulated and couldn't tell who was it. I was conscious and I did it to get free. It's different and it's worse. It's so much worse, and it breaks me that you had to be mated to someone unworthy of you as myself. My past keeps holding me back, and I still can't deal with it as I should. I don't know what to do, Oliver. I don't know how to do this, how to have friends, how to be a leader, how to be a Queen."

"It's not that I want to commit suicide, but that, if I break the bond, everyone will be better without me. I'm the wielder of the Crown, but that is too much power, Oli. No one should have that much strength, no matter what. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with once I get the Crown."

"It's not that I do not want you. It's not that your not enough. It's not that you're not loving me enough or in the right way. I want you. I want you too much, so much that it hurts. You are more than enough, way more than what I deserve, way more than anything I could ever ask for, it's me who's not enough for you. You are loving me too well, too bloody well, and it's making it hard for me, it's making me want to throw everything on the air. I'm so unworthy of it, that I can't even bring myself to say the words that are sipping in the tip of my tongue, to say the words that are thundering inside me, the words that you want to hear, because I'm a coward."

"I am terrified of saying it, and finding a way to save you afterwards because it'll hurt you. I'm terrified of saying it because I've never said to anyone but my mom, and look where that got me. I'm terrified of saying it because it'll make it all too real, and I'm scared I'll never be able to let you go if I say it. I'm terrified of saying it, because it's too strong, and I'm sacred of the force of my emotions. I'm terrified of saying it, because of how much I find myself wanting to say it."

Crying, he hugged me tight and faded to the room, then he laid me down and came above me. "Seems like we have a problem. Mirroring thoughts that won't bring us anywhere good. Why don't we go through this together? Why don't we do it scared?" He unlocked my corset and put it away, then began to unbutton his shirt that I'm using. "My love for you is definitely bigger than the fear that's been consuming me. Let me show it to you in a way I know you will understand."