Chapter 11

I was now in a stabilized moment in my life, I had all my ducks in a row, I knew where I was headed and I wasn't going to let the past haunt me. Aaron and I had finally had the talk, I was really disappointed by the answers he gave to the questions that I asked him. "What are your expectations from this relationship, do you know that what we did the other day is really going to impact our lives, and change our future", and yes I was now using the word US, he simply replied by saying.

"Paige, I love you, and we will see where the future leads us". All that was left to do now was to see how the future actually turned out. I knew in my heart that I didn't love him, but I had hope that I could manually change the way my heart was feeling.

Romance is about thinking about your significant other while you were supposed to be thinking about something else, a quote from Nicholas Sparks, I really was a true romantic, and I believed in happily ever after's, but lately my life started becoming more like a nightmare than a fairytale, I was becoming the worst version of myself, I never wanted my life to be this way, I wanted a Prince Charming, I wanted him on a white horse riding towards me ready to lift me up onto that horse and take me far, far away from everything and everyone. Whenever I thought about being happy, he entered my mind, it was his face, his broad shoulders, that sarcastic smirk on his face and that laugh, that laugh that just makes me laugh, that's what he did to me, that is the impression that he left on my heart, and no matter what I did I couldn't get him out of my heart, no matter what he did to me I couldn't forget him. I had come to this point in my life where I needed to talk to someone, I needed someone to hear me out, I needed someone to give me their utter unbiased opinion, I needed that person to just tell me that I'm wrong for having these feelings and that I'm a total crazy person for liking someone who could care less about me. This person was to set me straight and make me realize that this whole fantasy dream of mines was just that, a fantasy. This person turns out to be the one to give me the total opposite answers.

It was midday on a Wednesday afternoon that I first admitted my true feelings for Liam in front of someone else, and that felt great, it was great knowing that I had this big burden on my chest that I've practically been carrying around with me for more then a year and now I've just unloaded some of that burden onto someone else. It all began on a scorching hot day, there was practically steam evaporating from the ground, we were all on the P.E grounds and Melanie and I were trying to take cover from that dangerous Sun, we decided to sit down on the concrete floor underneath a staircase, from where we sat we had a clear view of the Soccer match that was taking place on the grounds, we were silent and totally invested in watching this soccer match, it was between our class team and a rivalry classes team, my intentions were not to tell anyone about my inner feelings for Liam but it just so happens that Liam was a player in this soccer game, and I couldn't help but watch him, even though we haven't spoken or seen each other in months it just felt so familiar, looking at him like this from a distance, I never really ever looked at him like this, but today I had the chance to, I observed him in his element, playing his favorite game and he just looked so happy, he was brilliant, the man of the match I'd say, scoring the most goals and showing off his new soccer moves, everyone was cheering on and everyone was so impressed, all I could see was the way he ran across that field, my heart just could not control itself any longer, this is the moment I realized that I loved Liam. I loved him and I missed him, and I missed the silly conversations that we used to have, I missed his hugs, he gave the best hugs, he could hug every single physical and emotional pain away, he was a good enough height so that he could hug you and your head would sit directly on his chest, you could hear his happy heart beating and feel the warmth of his chest, and that was the place that I longed to be for such a long time. Alas, I was abruptly brought back to reality when I see Liam give the biggest smile and wave, and for a minute I think he's waving at me, I was bewildered because I knew that he was the one who said he didn't want to have anything to do with me and now he waves and smiles at me, after six whole months, what changed his mind, what made him suddenly want to be friendly with me again, in less then a second later I start to frantically wave back at him giving him one of the biggest smiles I could muster up after all that has happened between us, but just like a slap across my face he lifts his head up and blows a kiss, now I definitely know that the kiss wasn't for me, when I look up I see her, Viola, sitting just a few stairs above me also watching Liam, her boyfriend in the soccer match, how disappointing, I'm actually disappointed at myself, here I am having feelings for a man that is taken, and I also have a man, not forgetting, a man that I had just given my virginity to, I was unaware of the audience that I had started to acquire outside of my head, I had been talking to myself and Melanie knew there was something going on.

"Paige, is there something bothering you?" She asked.

"No, it's nothing really Mel, I am just trying to keep cool, I'm starting to have hot flushes". That's when I started to fan my face with an old mathematics worksheet, I wasn't lying, I was feeling the heat, and maybe it was the heat that was really getting to me, and this was just me wanting something I knew that I could never have. Melanie actually knew me better then I knew myself.

"It was quite embarrassing for us to be frantically waving to Liam while he had his attention on Viola", she said.

"I really didn't notice Mel", I said that with a little too much force and attitude, and I realized that at that moment Melanie had no idea why I suddenly snapped at her, she didn't deserve my attitude, she wasn't the one who betrayed my friendship, she wasn't the one who chose to be with someone else rather than me, she wasn't the one that broke my heart into a million pieces.

"Hey, Paige, I'm sorry if I said something wrong, I honestly didn't mean to mention his name, I just thought that you two have finally made up". She couldn't be any more further from the truth.

"Mel, I want to tell you something, something personal, and please don't judge me". I was just about to tell her about my feelings for Liam, but in my head I was making a mental note, if I finally admit it out loud then it becomes a thing, it becomes something that is real and am I really sure that I want to ruin whatever respect Liam has for me. The noise in my head could not stop, it wasn't sweet symphonic music but loud banging of drums and guitars, and that noise that is made when you have long nails and you scratch a chalkboard, it was annoying and frankly I was starting to hate myself for all the thinking I've been doing lately. Melanie promised me that whatever it is that I needed to ask her she would treat it as a state secret and take it to her grave. So I just pushed myself and I told her, I told her that I started having feelings for Liam a year ago and that Renè had advised me against it, Renè had made a lot of sense at the time and I honestly thought that I wasn't feeling any true romantic feelings just feeling lost without my best friend. At that moment I stopped to look at my now best friends face, she had on the most confusing yet excited mixed facial expressions.

"I knew it, I mean everyone can clearly see,"she tells me with a now excited look on her face.

"What do you mean everyone can see, do I make my feelings that transparent, Melanie that was not my intention at all, I tried so hard to hide the way I was feeling, I know that he is in a relationship and so am I," she had just cut me off mid-sentence,

" Paige, life is complicated, but what's not complicated is love, if you love him you should just tell him the truth, you get nothing from hiding your true feelings, and right now you guys aren't even friends so what do you have to loose?". She was absolutely right, I had nothing to loose, besides the fact that I could get rejected and feel even more worse than I already felt about this whole situation.

"Why don't I just try to love him from a distance for now, because I would hate to ruin what he and Viola had, if it's meant to be then it will be, I'm not a home breaker, I can see that they are really in love, so who am I to get in the way of true love." Saying the words hurt more then I expected them to. Melanie could see the pain in my eyes, but she could also see the faint smile that I tried to concoct in that moment. She didn't mention anything about the subject there after, we just sat in absolute silence, the silence that I had just needed.

"Paige, can I just say that you are brave, you are brave to admit your feelings like this, and I just want you to know that I'm always here for you, when you feel like you've had enough and you need a break, I'm here." That was all I needed , For someone to just listen to me, and she would be the one to listen to me and all my problems for a long time.