Chapter 5: Talking About Me

I would have walked away then, planned to, actually despite my craving for companionship and comfort. It was my intent to return to and hide in my room and mourn in my teenaged way the utter desolation of my pathetic life. That is, if it hadn't been for Poppa. He spotted me in the

doorway and perked, waving for me to join them. I only then realized Gabriel was gone, felt his energy long departed, and wanted to cry all over again. The fact I only got to be mean and cold with my beloved brother for the brief time he was home drove little daggers of ice into my heart while I did as I was told-in kind intent or not-and stumbled outside into the glow of the hanging lights.

They fell silent as I appeared and I shuffled from a socked foot to another, one hand clutching at the opposite elbow, a physical protective response to being stared at like that. They all held frozen a long moment, deer in headlights as if I'd caught them at something they weren't proud of and realized right then I had.

They'd been talking about me, hadn't they?

Poppa rose an awkward moment later and crossed to me, hugging me against his broad chest, his rumbling voice in my ear as he held me tight.

"I'm so glad you came downstairs," he whispered, just for me. "I wanted to see my beautiful granddaughter."

I sniffed into his shirt. "Hi, Poppa," I said.

Nanna took his place, sweeping me into her arms, the feel of cool, slick silk and the scent of lilacs making me want to sob all over again. If only I could just go to Hong Kong and live with her, I was sure I could make the family proud of me.

I heard them moving then, the others, heard Mom mutter something just before the bulk of the gathering stood and left without a word. I found myself, a moment later, seated between my grandparents on the bench Mom and Oliver vacated, Nanna's arm around my shoulders as if protecting me from something. From the glaring attention of my unhappy GreatGram, I could only guess, while Mom took the seat beside us and sighed, Sassafras the only other presence in the now quiet back yard.

"I'm sorry, Ethie." Mom shocked me with those words, with the hurt in her voice. I crumbled a bit, lower lip trembling so I had to clamp it between my teeth to keep from weeping. Her own blue eyes brimmed with tears but she looked away, glancing at GreatGram who grunted and crossed her arms over her chest, sitting back and turning her face from me, expression grim. "We need to talk."

"About why I'm a prisoner in my own coven?" I didn't mean to be so biting, but that was, I realized, exactly how I felt. As if no one trusted or believed in me, that I was some kind of

figurehead with a time bomb looming over my head if I should ever consider leaving the utterly confined world of Wilding Springs. A bomb they clearly expected to go off at any minute.

This wasn't new news or anything. I'd grown up knowing I was here to keep me safe and all that stupid scaredy pants crapola. Considering who we were, who I was, who my mother was... surely I was the safest witch in Creation?

GreatGram's head snapped around, blue eyes flashing anger. "Until we know you can handle what comes for you-"

Sassafras sighed. It was a soft sound, quiet and weary, but it silenced my coven leader whose jaw clicked shut with an audible clatter.

My own hung open. I'd never seen Sass take my side like that before. And, as he spoke, it took me a moment to absorb what he said because shock held me in thrall.

"It's time to let go of the fear, Ethpeal," he said. "Time to let Ethie be Ethie. And to release our worry she might become your mother."

Mom's brow furrowed as Nanna's arm tightened around me, her upper body leaning forward as she said what I couldn't.

"You thought she what?" Nanna looked back and forth between Sass and GreatGram. "You thought Ethie had any chance at all of becoming like Mahalia?"

I had no idea what they were talking about, but a burning fury woke in the center of my chest, surprising me with its intensity, a rage I think I'd carried since I was a little girl. Had I known there was a reason for their mistrust and cruelty?

"Mom." My mother's voice had that same edge of tired to it. "From what I was told, it was an honest worry." Even my mom didn't sound convinced though. Had she allowed me to be guided under false pretenses all this time? "But that's just a small part of it and you know it.

Keeping Ethie in the protection of the coven let us guide her and kept her safe from threats we all know could appear at any time. Have appeared when we least expected it." I caught the barest whiff of smoke from her mind, the image of a burning woman crashing to this very yard so clearly I looked over her shoulder as if that same girl would appear at any second. I knew here, naturally. Zoe Helios, one of the Fates. But what did she have to do with this? Mom went on as if unaware of the connection we shared. "We've had enough experience with loss, with surprise attacks, with threats we didn't see coming. Powerful or not, we're not invulnerable." Well, she was. Grump. "And there are those who see our standing as a chance to prove themselves, or as

proof we're their enemies." Like who? Mom had eradicated all the baddies from what I knew. Who was left? Shadows and bump in the nighters. That's who. "I'd rather not have to go through it when we think everything is quiet."

Nanna shook her head, a violent motion that made her fingers tighten on my bicep and pinch enough it hurt, though I didn't shrug her off, taking comfort from her rejection. "That argument I understand," she said. "But Mahalia, Mother. This is the first I've heard of any suggestion..." she spluttered a moment before stiffening. "What is wrong with the three of you?"

"It's none of your business, Miriam." GreatGram's hard expression didn't falter. "The child is my responsibility. Syd gave up the right to tell me how to raise the heir when Ethie was eight years old. And I've done my best to make sure she turns out to be an asset to this coven, safe and protected, a good witch and not a monster."

I flinched, her words burning slaps to my face and even GreatGram seemed overcome a moment when she stopped speaking, her cheeks paling with two bright red points on the tips of her cheekbones. So clearly this whole Mahalia thing had a huge part in my imprisonment then, no matter what Mom said. News to me and a diabolical undercurrent to my entire life. All along I thought they'd been trying to protect me out of misguided fear. But were they, in fact, afraid of me rather than for me?

Just what the hell had I done to make them think I wasn't the girl they needed me to be? And, more importantly, what had Mahalia Hayle done to make her own daughter hate her so much she'd rather keep me bound to this place under constant guard rather than trust me to live my life?

GreatGram hesitated, as if using such language muted her soul. I hoped those words choked her. Cut off her air and her arrogance and all the horrible feelings she had for me. For her own mother, for the sake of the elements.

"Enough." Nanna sat up straighter, Poppa's hand taking mine and squeezing my fingers, his outrage and frustration and pride for my grandmother sifting through our power and connecting to me. On purpose? Maybe, maybe not. But it gave me strength. "Ethie is a Hayle witch. And I'm tired of standing outside how she's raised when the three of you-I'm looking at you, too, Sassafras-seem to think isolating her will save her from whatever evil it is you've imagined she might encounter. Or evolve into."

More hits, more hurt. Mom winced visibly, shook her head at me, one hand reaching for me.

"It's not like that," she said, voice cracking, speaking directly to me, her power touching mine. I didn't resist her or the personas she carried in her head, the way they latched onto me as if they'd always longed to but didn't have permission. Demon, vampire, Sidhe and Mom, all embracing me and murmuring to me as if they could right this wrong with a moment of regret. "Ethie, I love you. You're my daughter. But it seems, like always, the harder I try to make sure I don't screw you up the worse I am at it." Tears trickled down her cheeks and she wiped at them with angry hands. Did she know what I was feeling? This blank and empty nothing that washed away the fury, the hurt, the grief? Did she see what she'd made me?

Didn't matter now.

I stood up, shedding the love on either side, rejecting the sorrow before me. Ignoring the flash of fear from GreatGram, the way Sassafras retreated from me in pain and regret.

"I have no idea what this is about," I said, voice dull, hoping it hurt Mom as much as she'd hurt me. "Who this Mahalia is or why you were worried I might become her. Or why you even for one second think this life, this trapped and tiny life in the confines of Wilding Springs could be preferable to getting out there," I jabbed a finger into the air, "and living my way, risk or no risk. But it doesn't matter." I took a step sideways, out of the circle, into the darkness. "I already told you and I meant it. I'm no longer heir. Find someone else to lead your coven. It seems you doubted me all along, regardless. So you can't have me."

Not fair, no. But all I was able to muster. And, with that, without any of them trying to stop me, I strode through the yard and past the hedge into the park on the other side, leaving them all behind in as complete a severance of heart, soul and mind as I could.

I just wished I had the guts to cut off my power, too.

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