An Eldritch Being's Non-Lethal Guide to Bullies

I have charms with the beloved Professor Flitwick next. Beloved because there is no world out there I've seen that has a Flitwick without a heart of gold.

The perfect professor, some would say. Deserving of the highest review on ratemyprofessors.com.

However, Fate, the bitch she is, decides that I should attend to a different matter: the eternal evilness that Slytherins possess. I mean, why? There must be at least one good ego that isn't bigoted or have an overly racist parent. Right?

The new generation will be fucked over on Twitter if that's the case. If they manage to not get lynched before then.

Oh, language, some of you may say. Well, first of all, read the tags. It's not R-18, but still restricted. Second, I'm older than all of you, so shut up.

Now, back to the thing where Rowling sucks at balancing character personalities. You know, that thing where nobody's entirely evil or good, just a mix of both? Yeah, she made Slytherins entirely evil and it shows.

At least I'm in the house where our main trait is yellow. And friendship!

Tori, somehow, has gained a group of followers, a posse, of Slytherin boys. One might think that she had gained some popularity and fans. However, she's shivering, terrified of the boys, and they keep jeering and insulting her. Something about being a dirty Gryffindor. How mean.

Even her own housemates, up in their ivory tower, seem to think that she lacks Gryffindor attributes.

Now, it's time to decide on my dilemma. I'm a Hufflepuff, lover of food and friends. If I save someone from another person, a heroic attribute, would the action make me not a Hufflepuff? I could be someone that had the traits of multiple houses, but the sectionalist ideals of the time period disagree, so which is it?

But! If I ignore my friend, perhaps even my best friends, then it would not follow Hufflepuff standards, so… Maybe, if I save her, while eating something, it'll tip the scales towards the more Hufflepuff-ish side?

Why not?

"Hey," I say, cracking my thoat. "HEY!" I shout, compressing air deep within my lungs to create a burst of air that knocks the aggressors to the floor. I teleport about right in front of their face. "Don't do that. It's not nice."

"Augh…" The boy groans, probably because I messed up the teleportation a little and he's now missing a kidney.

I narrow my eyes. Their clothes…they're made of finer materials than all the other robes I've seen thus far. Probably wealthy kids that have never been told no in their life. Spoiled brats.

A good public stoning will cure them of that! I'll have to arrange it! There will be balloons, a bouncy castle, food, drinks, etc. We'll make a day out of it! I could even try to charge people to throw rocks.

Not sure the staff will approve of that…

Maybe just eating their wands will work, for now.

Tentacles sprout out of my mouth, gingerly pickpocketing all of the boys for their wands, then retreating back into my gullet.

The boys are now a jabbering mess, crying and whimpering on the floor. I turn around to find the shellshocked Tori appreciating the fine detailing on the nearby brick wall behind me. To do so, she would have to look over the boys though, so I wipe them away, into a wormhole that'll send them to their beds.

Hmm. She's still unresponsive. I lightly pat her on the cheek, but still receive little response. I rip into another universe that seems broken and button-y and grab something to help calm her down.

I rearrange her hands, wrapping them like she's hugging the interdimensional utility for transporting water from one location to the next. It's a bucket. A Reassurance Bucket!

She doesn't look that reassured though. She's still staring at the wall. Hmm… I think I may have messed up a little.

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.sdeb rieht ot meht dnes ll'taht elohmrow a otni ,yawa meht epiw I os ,hguoht syob eht revo kool ot evah dluow ehs ,os od oT .em dniheb llaw kcirb ybraen eht no gniliated enif eht gnitaicerppa iroT dekcohsllehs eht dnif ot dnuora nrut I .roolf eht no gnirepmihw dna gniyrc ,ssem gnirebbaj a won era syob ehT

.tellug ym otni kcab gnitaerter neht ,sdnaw rieht rof syob eht fo lla gnitekcopkcip ylregnig ,htuom ym fo tuo tuorps selcataneT

Okay, things are almost back to normal. Actions still happened, but memories are nonexistent. Right now, Tori is confused at the lack of people behind her, and the bucket in her hands. The boys are confused as to why their in their beds while fully clothed.

Tori focuses on me. "Dreamer? What are you doing here?" She holds out the bucket. "And… why am I holding a bucket?" I smile, wrapping a tentacle around the bucket to fling it elsewhere.

"No reason. Just dealing with your…boy problem. Didn't know you were so popular already."

She blushes, then horrified, then confused again. "Did you- Did you kill them?" She whispers, barely audible.

I wave her off. "Of course not! What? You think murder is my first option? It's more like everything's too weak to handle me! Back to the original problem, I'll be honest. I don't like seeing you with so many boys after you." And…back to the atomic blush!

Me, she's adorable. She's almost perfect. Almost. But! I learned from my mistakes. I won't change anyone again…without their consent. That's a conversation to have with her another day.

I rock back and forth at the conversational lull I made. "I have Charms next. You?" I ask. She blinks and calms down, a little bit.

"T-Transfiguration."

I smile. "I think I have time to spare. Want me to show you the way there?" Disregarding her next words, because her brain was going to agree anyway, I link arms with her and skip down the hallway.