Chp.5: A proper apology
The day came early, but not as quickly as it did a few weeks ago. With the days getting shorter and shorter, evening came earlier and morning came later. And even after the sun had risen, its rays took time to make the air warm again. Even if the dragons were not afraid of heat and cold thanks to their scales that acted as thermal insulators, they could still perceive the increasingly evident difference in temperature.
Haku had wondered why the sun had sped up its daily pace, and why its heat had diminished. He wondered what were the natural processes behind the motion and luminosity of that strange celestial entity. Actually, he also wondered about other things about the sun, such as how it produced so much light and heat, where it got the energy to do it, where it went during the night and why it made the same movement in the sky every day. But unfortunately he knew too few about the celestial bodies to be able to answer these questions.
However, at the moment it didn't matter. Haku knew that the sun had always been there and that it had always performed its dance in the sky, even before dragons appeared in the world; therefore, he had no reason to worry that one day the sun would cease its motion and no longer rise and freeze everything, or that it would suddenly approach and burn everything. Therefore, Haku had decided that he would seek information about the sun's movements at a later time, when he and his siblings would be safe. It was one of the many questions he had put aside, many of which concerned the functioning of the world and its laws.
At the moment, however, his curiosity could wait. He had other plans that day. Plans that however proved to be not easy to implement.
He and his siblings left as soon as the first light of dawn illuminated the hill; they would reach the border with beastmen territory by late afternoon, and from there they would continue north until they reached the Yuthia Desert. Haku planned to approach Rhaegal while he was alone and apologize to him, but unfortunately his brother wasn't willing to make it easy for him.
Rhaegal in fact no longer moved alone: he was always surrounded by three or four of their sisters with whom he entertained all kinds of conversations. When they got tired of talking and asked him to leave, he ran as fast as possible to another group. It didn't take Haku long to understand what was happening: Rhaegal absolutely didn't want to risk being alone with him. Even when he had tried to call him, in a brief moment when there was no one beside him, Rhaegal had pretended not to hear him and immediately had run beside Sisna and Jatara, and only then had he turned to answer him.
Haku felt very guilty. It hurt him to know that his brother thought him so dangerous that he didn't even want to talk to him alone. Now he could clearly see the rift in their family that Kotaru had told him about.
Finally he decided he couldn't go on like this. It was obvious that he couldn't talk to his brother alone. Therefore, for the sake of his family, he had to put aside his pride and humble himself in front of everyone. Though his dragon nature didn't approve of that, Haku opened his mouth wide and exclaimed: "Excuse me, may I have your attention for a moment?"
The heads of all his siblings turned at him almost in unison. Suddenly, Haku felt sixteen pairs of eyes on him. Normally that wouldn't have bothered him, but right now he felt rather uncomfortable. "Listen, I...". He inhaled deeply: "I can't find any other way to say it than to just say it. I owe an apology, to all of you"
His brothers' eyes were suddenly confused and curious. Evidently many of them had never expected to hear those words come from his lips. "I would have preferred to speak to each of you privately, but I think I'll just say it out loud instead" Haku continued. "I screwed up. I've been acting like an asshole and it took me too long to realize it. I know you're mad at me… and you're also scared of me… and after thinking well about it, I don't blame you"
Some of his sisters didn't seem to like those words. After all, dragons were still a proud race. "We are not scared..." they tried to say.
"Yes, you are. I can see it by the way you act towards me" Haku replied, then he looked down at the ground. "And you are right. I went behind your back when we said we would always make our decisions together. I elected myself supreme judge without having any right to do so and I assumed you would agree with me just because... well, just because I was me. These aren't the thoughts of a brother towards the family... they are the thoughts of a master towards his servants. And when you tried to make me understand that I was doing everything wrong, I didn't listen to you and rather I treated you very badly"
He just looked up to see how his brothers were reacting to that speech. However, deciphering their emotions wasn't easy, as most of them kept a stoic facade. But Darbi was smiling at him encouragingly, and Kotaru and Tikka were also nodding slightly, so he felt he was on the right way. "I'll be completely honest: I don't regret what I did to our mother" he continued. "We needed that information to ensure our safety. There were too many questions in our future, and I couldn't risk that putting us in danger. But..."
He didn't quite know what to say at this point. Haku sighed deeply trying to find the words, then he continued: "But the choice wasn't up to me alone. It was up to all of us. I should have told you about it, and then we would have discussed it and we would have decided together what to do. Some of us would have agreed and some others wouldn't, both the sides would have made their arguments, and if in the end the majority of us would have been against that plan… I should have accepted it. Instead I chose to act on my own, and in doing so I betrayed your trust. I thought, foolishly, that I could choose for all of us like I was an autocrat. But that's not how a family works, and my actions have led to this mess. And for this, I have to apologize for anyone of you"
Haku remembered what Tikka had told him: he shouldn't try to apologize for things he didn't believe he was wrong. So he had decided to publicly admit that he had no remorse for what he had done to their mother, but immediately afterwards he said what he was really sorry about, which was having deceived his siblings. He was sorry because now he knew how much he had hurt them, and he absolutely wanted to fix it. Therefore, those were sincere apologies.
He turned his head slightly towards Rhaegal. His brother seemed to want to back away as his gaze fell on him. That sight hurt Haku. He had really gone too far with him. "And especially I have to apologize to you, Rhaegal. You were right and I was completely wrong. You tried to make me understand and I almost yelled at you in return. I shouldn't have reacted like that, I acted like a real asshole. I think...". He paused again, then simply said what was on his mind: "I think I got so used to always being right, that as soon as you pointed out that I wasn't anymore I felt threatened and that made me feel it infuriated. Only now do I realize how terribly inappropriate and unkind my behavior was towards you, Rhaegal. And I'm sorry, really"
Rhaegal didn't look too convinced. Haku wondered if he shouldn't apologize again, but maybe that would have seemed too inappropriate. After all, as Tikka had told him, forgiveness couldn't come too soon. Now that he'd told Rhaegal he was sorry, perhaps the best thing was to wait for him to agree to forgive him, or at least give him time to process what he'd said and decide what was best to do. Pushing too hard right away could be counterproductive, if not harmful.
So he turned back to everyone else: "Listen, I know I won't be able to fix what I did to you right away. But I can assure you that I understand where I went wrong. And I really hope that one day you will be able to give me a second chance" he said. "You are afraid of me, and I understand it. I too would be afraid of me. This time I have really gone too far, towards all of you. But I don't want the price of my recklessness to be the bond that unites us and that has kept us together for all this time. So... so I hope you can accept my apology, and my promise that I will never go behind your back again. From now on, I won't hide anything from you"
A dragon's promise wasn't something to be taken lightly: it was one of the most unbreakable oaths that could exist in the world. A dragon would never break his word, even if it cost him his life. Therefore, vowing never to go behind his siblings' backs again, Haku was committing himself for his entire life to share all his plans and ideas with them. Of course, that oath could be interpreted in various ways, but it was still a strong promise that Haku, since he was a dragon, would never break.
Haku had already made such a promise to Darbi when he assured him that he would protect him and all their siblings. Even though Darbi had tried to free him from that oath a short time later, Haku hadn't let him, because he wanted their family to stay together and that promise was a way to remind himself never to leave anyone behind. Now, Haku was making a second promise, this time in front of all of his brothers and sisters, pledging his sincerity towards them in the future. After all, if he wanted the family to stick together, he couldn't only worry that they were just physically okay: he had to consider the emotional one too, and to do that he had to trust his siblings and open up completely to them.
His siblings in fact weren't indifferent to that promise: even if they didn't say anything, it was clear that they were astonished. All of them knew what that oath was worth. Unlike the families of the other races, that often promised something each other, they never made promises between them, because making a promise means binding yourself to it; no matter what promise it was, it was a big risk. If they did, they were promises made only in a short period of time and with a very specific goal, and only after having carefully calculated them. Therefore, Haku's act was to be considered one of great courage: making such a promise, without a precise term and infinitely valid in the future, meant clarifying that that oath could one day get him into trouble. Haku knew it, but for now his desire to mantain the family united was stronger than his fear for the future.
His siblings looked at each other, clearly undecided on what to say. Darbi looked very happy, as if he was proud of his brother, and Tikka and Kotaru were also giving a hint of a smile. Haku hoped those were signs that he said the right things.
Suddenly Rhaegal stepped forward. He seemed rather indecisive, but found the courage to speak: "Haku, listen, I..."
There was no time to say anything more. Suddenly, a new smell entered the nostrils of all of them. Instantly the dragons forgot their argument and got into attack stances, looking towards where the smell had come from. Haku snapped like a violin string, and his claws dug into the ground with the tension; Darbi also reacted the same way. In fact, both of them remembered very well that smell and what it meant.
Humans! They were close!