Prologue

Today was a great day. I died. It wasn't a great day because I died. No, it was a great day and I died. One has nothing to do with the other.

Enough nonsense. Let's continue with the topic we're all curious about. Why was it a great day? I achieved my dream to transform my real life into an MMORPG. Grinding skills, leveling up, collecting coins, going on an adventure, and making progress on my main quest. The dream of every gamer.

And no, I'm not mad. Let me give you some context before we continue. I'll keep it short, for we have more urgent matters to discuss.

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Do you sometimes have the feeling that our mind is not the same as our self? Somehow, It belongs to us, but we don't have absolute control over it. It's like a powerful tool, which we can use to cut through the problems of life. But if we lack control, we risk cutting ourselves with negative thoughts and emotions. That's what happened to me. I cut myself nearly to suicide.

From a young age on, there was unbearable inner pain. A pain, fueled by regrets of the past and fears of the future. I know, what problems could a 14-years old German boy have? Bad marks, mobbing, fights with school bullies, and social anxieties. A feast for the mind. Whenever I tried to change something, negative thoughts kicked in, followed by unbearable negative emotions.

The only way for me to stop this feeling?

Tranquilizing my mind with food, games, and several other things. My biggest addiction was an MMORPG called Nostale. I played it for years, non-stop. Playing games, eating fast food, and masturbating. That was my life in a nutshell.

Why I quit?

A friend asked me "Who do you think we will be in 10 years?" I ignored him, but I could not ignore my mind. I knew the answer: The same person I am right now. The only difference? Alone and closer to death. That realization hurt.

From there on a voice creeped inside me. I tried to ignore this voice. It said that I am wasting my life, making no significant progress. I felt empty. I felt a certain kind of silence creeping out of that emptiness. That kind of silence that devours every joy in life.

I stopped playing.

But life was still unpleasant. I wasn't able to enjoy real life like I enjoyed my in-game life. In movies and games, this is usually the time where motivation kicks in, a ridiculous work ethic, and a change in every aspect of your life.

Bullshit.

Life has its own hilarious way of telling you fuck yourself. The moment I wanted to change was the moment I got lost, lost in a forest of questions.

How can I change?

Where is the energy I felt when I was playing games?

Why is it impossible for me to do the right things?

What is this force that pushes me to the ground?

Long story short: I crawled for years like a cockroach, getting squashed, shewed, and spat out by life. My only drive was to figure out the rules of life. Life could not possibly be this hell. What is the way to finally enjoy life again? So, I read hundreds of books, many of them more than twice, some more than ten times. I will spare you with the embarrassing parts and skip the pity details; after years of search, I found a way to get addicted to real life.

How? I transformed my real life into an MMORPG. I studied the rules of this game and found my skill tree, main quests, side quests, and boundaries.

I wasted enough time with the reading manual. It was time to start playing the best game of all time: life. The same day, I died.

Oh. How I died? I suffocated on a peanut.

Now I'm here, stuck in this room full of emptiness, telling my story into a void of nothingness, as if it would have some effects. How long have I stuck here already? Weeks, month, years, decades? Or am I just getting crazy? This is how hell must feel like. There are no nights or days here. It's neither bright nor dark. Just me, and my old enemy: my thoughts.